Hide your daughters and shoot your sons, the Chode is back in business!! After a painful three-month hiatus, the Chode Picks have made their triumphant return to add to your end-of-semester apathy. I don’t know if I can express how frustrating the last twelve weeks have been, without an outlet to express my creative genius. It’s been like three months of mental blue balls, if that makes any sense. Taking the analogy way too far, that means that writing the Picks is equivalent to my creative ejaculation, of which you are all the lucky recipients (Mom, I’m truly sorry for that analogy. You might want to stop reading).
Anyways, you might be wondering what I’m going to be writing about, since there’s no football to speak of until August. The answer is simple: NBA and NHL playoffs. With the first round of the NHL’s tournament coming to a close and the NBA postseason starting this Saturday, now is as good of a time as ever to start the picks up again. Also, I’ll be focusing more on the NBA, since I can’t take any professional league seriously that has multiple franchises in Canada. So go ahead and take a moment to prepare yourself for the magical ride to the NBA finals, courtesy of yours truly. I’ll be writing before every round starts, which should come out to once every two weeks or so. We’ve got a lot to cover since the last time I wrote, so let’s get started.
First off, we’re one week away from the greatest day of the year. Better than Christmas, better than my birthday, even better than Halloween, that’s right: the Mifflin Street Block Party. Whatever personal, professional or legal obligations are keeping you from being in Madison next Saturday, you need to set them aside and get your ass here. If you’ve never been to Mifflin before, I’m sorry, but you’ve been robbed of what could possibly be the craziest days of your life. Last year, the Madison Police Department detox center was full by 8:00 AM. Imagine the wildest party you’ve ever been to, multiply it by 1,000, and stretch it out over 24 hours. That’s what you’ve been missing out on. Don’t make the same mistake again. Jared Sawle, I’m looking directly at you. Also, if any of the rest of you guys are coming down, hit me up.
Alright, time to get to sports. Time to tackle the biggest offseason sports story of the year. No, not the Saints. Not Peyton Manning. Not even Tim Tebow (I’ll get to all of those eventually). I’m talking about Ryan Joseph Braun. Props to the best baseball player in the National League for pulling a Lance Armstrong and an O.J. Simpson on the MLB. Honestly, I don’t know what to believe about PED use in professional sports anymore, but at the same time, I really don’t care that much either. If you play professional sports and want to shoot yourself up with drugs that could kill you in 20 years, go right ahead. You’ll probably hate your life after you retire anyways. Also, PEDs might be the key to staying in front of China this summer at the 2012 Olympics. Hell, if it were up to me, I’d make PED use mandatory for all professional athletes, and work towards making them less life-threatening. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but my point was this: Ryan Braun’s is innocent, and his innocence is surpassed only by his awesomeness. Go Brewers. Also, fuck you Prince.
By the way, the NFL Draft just started while I’ve been writing. Forgive me for a few outbursts.
I’m going to be honest with you. I had my doubts about this NBA season early on. The offseason lockout, combined with a compressed schedule made for some really shitty basketball in the first month of the season. Predictably though, the NBA’s star players rose to the occasion to dig David Stern out of the massive hole that he and the owners dug themselves. Thanks to fantastic seasons by Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Kevin Love, Rajon Rondo and others, the Association managed to rise back to relevance and pulled off one hell of a season. Also, some guy named LeBron James played pretty well. To put it in perspective statistically, LeBron just had the same kind of regular season that Aaron Rodgers did, and he’s about to win his third MVP for the effort, along with his first ever Finals MVP. Yeah that’s right. You heard it here first. The LeBron James-led Miami Heat are about to roll through the NBA playoffs and claim their second NBA title in the past decade. As a fan, watching the 2012 Miami Heat has been fantastic. Every time LeBron, Wade and Bosh take the court together, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Heat are going to win. In my lifetime, only three teams have instilled that kind of confidence in me: the 1996 Green Bay Packers, the 2011 Green Bay Packers, and the 2012 Miami Heat. One of those teams won a title, another lost their first playoff game, and the third has yet to be decided. If you can’t tell, I’m all in on the Heat this year. You see, when Miami was struggling a few weeks ago, I had two choices. I could either be cautiously optimistic and hedge my bets on the Heat, or go all-out, be cocky as hell and hope they don’t make me look like an idiot. If you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for a while, you already know what route I picked. So for the past three weeks, I’ve been verbally harassing anyone I see wearing a Chicago Bulls or New York Knicks jersey in Madison (there are more than you’d think). I even made a slap bet on it. That’s the kind of attitude you have to have when the stakes are this high. For the Miami Heat, anything less than a championship will be considered a failure. So if I’m Erik Spolestra, I’m saying “Screw it. We’re already the bad guys, might as well run with it. I want ridiculous, over-the-top player introductions. I want LeBron beating his chest and Bosh screaming his goofy-looking head off after every dunk. I want confetti falling from the rafters after every single playoff win, and I want a parade after every series. We’re the Miami Heat, and we’re better than you. Deal with it, America.”
Now, I realize that outside of South Beach, I might be one of the only people in the country that wants the Heat to win the Finals this year, and that’s fine with me. Everyone likes to root for the underdog, but the truth is that in real life, better people almost always win. The sooner that everyone else realizes it, the better off we’ll all be. I’m sick of watching the privileged elite being crushed under the heel of the common man. I’m the kind of guy who roots for the odds-on favorite, like the Kentucky Wildcats in the NCAA tournament or Cato in the Hunger Games. So to recap: screw everyone else, go Heat. Sometimes you’re the favorite because you fucking deserve it.
Good God, Morris Claiborne is an idiot. A four on the Wonderlic? Out of fifty? Fucking four!?!?! Seriously? Congratulations Dallas, you just gave up a king’s ransom to trade up and take the stupidest player in NFL history. In a league with Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, that’s saying something.
Before I get to writing about the first-round matchups in this year’s playoffs though, I want to take a moment to salute the Charlotte Bobcats, who just yesterday finished the regular season with the worst record in NBA history at 7-59. The Bobcats managed to lose the last 23 games of the regular season and set a new standard in professional sports futility. The best part is, the one man that shoulders the blame for this god-awful performance is none other than Michael Jeffery Jordan. Apparently not satisfied with being the greatest NBA player of all time, Jordan set out to claim the title of worst owner of all time as well. Well played, Michael. The sad part is, I watched some of those Bobcat games, and they were actually trying to win, unlike the Wizards, who started blatantly tanking for Anthony Davis sometime in late February.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
San Antonio Spurs (50-16) vs Utah Jazz (36-30)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The top-seeded Spurs, after revamping their roster, surge to the best record in the league only to face a young, athletic eight-seed with a loaded frontcourt. Yup, I’ve already seen this movie. It doesn’t end well for Tim Duncan and company. You heard it here first; UPSET SPECIAL JAZZ OVER SPURZZZZZZ!!!!!
Jazz in six.
Oklahoma City Thunder (47-19) vs The Team From The West That Shall Not Be Named (36-30)
Fuck you, Dirk.
Thunder in five.
Shit. Bears got Shea McClellin. I wanted him.
Los Angeles Lakers (41-25) vs Denver Nuggets (38-28)
I, along with the rest of the country, am deeply disappointed that we didn’t get to see a Lakers/Clippers first round matchup, if only because it would have been fun watching Kobe jack up terrible shots on one end while Chris Paul schooled him by playing super-efficient on the other. At this point in his career, you can practically see Kobe counting down the number of career points that he needs to pass Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The Laker’s dirty little secret this season is that Kobe is playing the least efficient ball of his career, while Andrew Bynum is becoming the 2nd best big man in the game. When the Lake Show pounds the rock down low with Bynum and Pau Gasol, they’re almost impossible to beat, but Kobe won’t let it happen. I’m still picking them to win this series, just because the thought of James Harden and his beard exacting revenge on Metta World Peace in round 2 makes me giggle with excitement.
Lakers in six.
BOOM!! Nick Perry!! Great pick. If I remember correctly, the last pass-rusher we took from USC turned out pretty well.
Memphis Grizzlies (41-25) vs Los Angeles Clippers (40-26)
Ah yes, the Grizzlies, everyone’s “sleeper” team. Well, I hate to be the one to rain on their parade, but once LITERALLY EVERYONE starts calling you a “sleeper”, you’re not exactly flying under the radar anymore. Also, if Zach Randolph isn’t at 100%, I don’t trust these guys. And I know this sounds like something that no sane, rational and sober person would ever say (two out of three ain’t bad), but I trust the Clippers. More specifically, I trust Chris Paul. With the clock winding down and the game on the line, there’s no one else I’d rather have with the ball. So the Clippers are my “sleeper” team for the 2012 playoffs. I’ve got them making it to the Western Conference finals, at least. And if Blake Griffin ever decides to stop dunking for like, five fucking minutes and learn how to play some defense, they could go further.
Clippers in five.
Quick side note: I woke up at 8:30 this morning. It’s now 2:56 and I feel like absolute shit. I haven’t gotten out of bed that early since sophomore year. Is this what normal people do every day? I thought about taking a nap and writing the rest of the picks later, but I settled on eating a handful of espresso beans and powering through it instead. You’re welcome.
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
Chicago Bulls (50-16) vs Philadelphia 76ers (35-31)
First off, congratulations to the 76ers for successfully tanking the last week of the season in order to avoid playing Miami in the first round. Seriously. Evan Turner even admitted last week, when asked what the 8 seed would mean to them that “it means we dodged the better team”. At least he’s honest. Unfortunately for Philadelphia though, they don’t have a chance in hell against the Bulls either, even if Derrick Rose is less than 100%. I hope I’m wrong, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching Chicago teams choke away their seasons (here’s to you, Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks!), but I don’t see it happening here.
Bulls in six.
Miami Heat (46-20) vs New York Knicks (36-30)
Damn it, this is the one team that I wanted to avoid in the first round. As bad as New York has been this season, they’re the one team in the conference that has the star power to match up with LeBron, Dwyane and Chris. I don’t think they’ll be able to get their shit together and take four games from Miami, but there’s always the threat of Carmelo going off for 40 points per game, and that worries me a little. Also, I have a bet on this series. One of my good friends is a Knicks fan, and we came to the agreement that whoever loses this series has to yell the opposing teams star player’s name during sex. So I’m crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that my Mifflin experience next week won’t end with a cry of “JEREMY LIN!” coming from my bedroom.
Heat in five.
Indiana Pacers (42-24) vs Orlando Magic (37-29)
Good God, Dwight Howard. Are you trying to make sure no one ever buys your jersey again? Sadly, I think we all know where this tired saga is headed: another full year of D12 trade rumors and mediocre basketball from the Magic. This team used to be fun to watch, too. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution to this problem, but I don’t think that Magic general manager Otis Smith has the balls to pull the trigger on it: trade Dwight Howard for Chris Bosh. Yes, Orlando is losing that trade, but it’s better than any other trade offer they’re getting, and it’s a hell of a lot better than losing Howard for nothing in free agency next summer. Come on Pat Riley, I know you’ve got one more blockbuster move in you. Make it happen. As for the other team in this series, the Pacers have quietly become one of the best teams in the NBA, behind good coaching, solid defense and unselfish play. In fact, if they weren’t in the same conference as Miami, I’d probably pick them to make the Finals. They’re that good. Also, Danny Granger turned his house into a Batcave, which is awesome. The Dwight-less Magic are about to end up on the wrong end of a four-game sweep.
Pacers in four.
Boston Celtics (39-27) vs Atlanta Hawks (40-26)
See if you can follow me here. Boston is seeded fourth, since they won their division, while Atlanta is fifth even though the Hawks have a better record. But the Hawks have home court advantage in this series, despite being a lower seed. In summary, the NBA’s playoff seeding makes absolutely no sense. Anyways just about everyone at ESPN has already penciled the Celtics into the second round against Chicago, despite the fact that the Hawks have been on fire lately and the combined age of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce is somewhere around 167 years. So yeah, I’m gonna go against the grain here and pick Atlanta, even if it violates the cardinal rule of NBA gambling: Never Trust The Hawks. Up yours, Bill Simmons.
Hawks in seven.
A couple more thoughts before we wrap it up this week.
Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team for advancing to the sweet sixteen for the second year in a row. I’m fairly certain that Wisconsin was the only school in the country that played in a BCS bowl game and made it to the round of 16 this year. So that kicks ass. However, it’s become increasingly obvious to me that the Badger basketball team is cursed. Let me explain. You see, two years ago, the Chode was hanging out, drinking and doing Chode things at one of his favorite bars just off of State Street. At a certain point, he ordered a gin and tonic and began to make his way to the upstairs of the bar, only to be run into by a very tall, red-haired gentleman, who managed to spill Chode’s drink all over him. Rather than graciously apologizing and offering to buy Chode a new drink, the big, gangly asshole just looked him in the face, paused, then walked away without saying a word. At that moment, Chode swore to himself that as long as Mike Bruesewitz was on the Wisconsin basketball team, they would not advance past the sweet sixteen. Call it the Curse of the Brueser. Now, if by some strange turn of events that ginger dick ends up reading this, a simple apology is all it would take to reverse the curse. And perhaps a gin and tonic. I don’t ask for much.
Holy shit. Six pages. That might be a Chode Picks record.
This week’s Chode Picks are brought to you by dollarshaveclub.com.
-Chode Out.
WARNING: Reading the Chode Picks may result in increased intelligence, superhuman strength and agility, tiger blood, fire-breathing fists, severe intoxication, gratuitous violence, female sexual arousal, and winning. Read at your own risk.
