I couldn’t help myself.
For months, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t write again until the
start of the NFL season in August. I had
all the reasons in the world not to; between med school exams, another
half-marathon to train for, and seemingly an endless number of weddings to go
to this summer, I really didn’t think I’d have time to write this summer. But then I went and drunkenly promised
someone that I would write for the NBA playoffs, and after pounding a six-pack
of Leinenkugel’s, here I am. Time to
catch up on everything I missed since December.
Let’s get to it. This week’s
edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Leinenkugel Brewing Company,
the pride and joy of that disgusting town west of Menomonie.
First of all, I need to address the greatest sports victory
that the state of Minnesota has scored in the past five years or so: Greg
Jennings. That’s right, the Packer’s 4th
best receiver and 1st best TV actor defected across the state line
after Ted Thompson wisely decided not to match the ridiculous, salary-cap
destroying, franchise-killing contract that our less-intelligent neighbors to
the west offered him. So congratulations
Minnesota, you just gave us the perfect excuse to get rid of our most injury-prone
player and gave us the cap space to re-sign Clay Matthews and Aaron Rodgers in
the process. In Thompson we trust.
In fact, now that I think about it, Jennings was actually
our 5th best receiver by the end of the season, behind Jordy Nelson,
Randall Cobb, James Jones and Jermichael Decorean Finley. Yes, that Jermichael Finley. I don’t care what the rest of you have to
say, I like the guy. And if you’re too
biased against him to notice that he played VERY well over the second half of
the season, that’s your own damn fault.
Also, yesterday Jermichael tweeted that he plans on donating $500 to
charity for every touchdown and dropped pass this season. What charity, you ask? One Fund for Boston. Go ahead and boo him now, assholes.
One last note about the NFL: I’m calling this right
now. The Vikings are going to draft
Manti Te’o in the first round with the 23rd or 25th pick,
and he is going to be an absolute disaster.
But hey, if you can’t be good, might as well be interesting, right?
On to college sports.
More specifically, the NCAA tournament.
Might as well get this out of the way right now: the UW Men’s team put
on an embarrassing performance in the first round against Ole Miss. It’s bad enough that they lost to a 12-seed,
but the fact that we had to watch that cocky prick Marshall Henderson celebrate
afterwards makes it even more humiliating.
But as was the case all season long, when we weren’t making
three-pointers, we simply didn’t have another way to score consistently. And I’m not sure when Ben Brust got the idea
in his head that he should consistently shoot from four feet behind the
three-point line (probably after that overtime Michigan game), but I don’t care
if it’s Ray Allen taking the shot; it’s still a bad possession. Anyways, with Josh Gasser coming back healthy
and a full offseason for Sam Dekker to work on his low-post game, we should be
pretty damn good next season. Also, at
long last the Curse of the Breuser is finally over.
Speaking of Badger sports, the spring football game was
yesterday, giving us a chance to see Gary Andersen’s scheme in action for the
first time in Madison. A lot of pundits
have written us off next season as the runner-up to Ohio State in the Leaders
Division, but I really think we can give them a run for their money if we get
consistent play at quarterback and wide receiver. However, as optimistic as I may be about the
future of Wisconsin football, there is no way in hell we’re going to be ready
to compete with Alabama in two years.
Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but athletic director Barry “my
stomach is only surpassed by my ego” Alvarez decided to schedule the defending
BCS champs for our season opener in 2015.
In Dallas, Texas. Right next door
to Alabama. Son of a bitch. To put the matchup in perspective, I was in
Florida for spring break a few weeks ago and met a couple of girls from the
University of Alabama, leading to the following conversation:
Drunk Alabama girl 1: Hey, can you do us a favor?
Chode: Maybe. What’s
up?
Drunk Bama girl 2: Say “Roll Tide”
Chode: Nah, can’t do it.
Sorry.
Crimson Tramp 1: Come on, why not?
Chode: Well, I go to Wisconsin and we just scheduled a game
against Alabama in football…
Crimson Tramp 2: (hysterical laughter)… WHAT!?! Why would you do that to yourself??
Chode: Damn it…. roll tide.
‘Bama bitches:
WOOOOOO!!!!
Chode: Enjoy being unemployed
That’s alright though, I wasn’t planning on winning a
national championship that soon anyways.
And hell, maybe the Nick Saban’s crew will get hit with some NCAA
violations in the meantime to give us a fighting chance. Speaking of NCAA violations, how about them
Oregon Ducks? Let me be the first to
thank Chip Kelly and Willie Lyles for making the Wisconsin Badgers RETROACTIVE
2012 ROSE BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!! I demand
one of those t-shirts that was mistakenly shipped to Africa.
Now then. Enough
about football for this week. Time to
get to the main course, the final act of the 2012-2013 NBA season, the next
chapter in the great American sport known as basketball, the prelude to round 2
of the Heat-Thunder rivalry, the LeBroncore, whatever you want to call it. You all know why I’m writing this week;
because my favorite basketball team is poised to capture another NBA title
after a fantastic regular season. Let’s
break it down.
WESTERN CONFERENCE:
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER (60-22) VS HOUSTON ROCKETS (45-37)
I’m not going to waste any space going over the matchups in
this series, because we all know that the Rockets will be lucky to win one game
against a healthy OKC team. What is
important in this series though, is how badly James Harden wants to show the
Thunder that they made a mistake in trading him before the season. If you haven’t been paying attention, Harden
has been absolutely spectacular this season, vaulting himself into first team
All-NBA consideration and perhaps more importantly, outplaying Russell
Westbrook. And despite what his fearsome
beard suggests, Harden is only 23 years old.
Twenty-fucking three!! And he’s
already one of the best players in the league!!
So if you’re Thunder GM Sam Presti, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TRADE HIM
JUST TO SAVE FEW (million)
BUCKS!?!? Don’t get me wrong, I still
think Oklahoma City will win a championship eventually, I just know it would
have happened a hell of a lot sooner if they hadn’t gotten rid of their
second-best player. Feel free to throw
this back in my face if they beat Miami in the Finals.
Oklahoma City in five
SAN ANTONIO SPURS (58-24) VS LOS ANGELES LAKERS (45-37)
Damn it, Kobe. This
could have been such an awesome series, then you had to go and fuck it all up
with your stupid Achilles tendon. In my
semi-educated medical opinion, I think you’re milking it. Suck it up and get back on the court,
Mamba. Also, it’s bullshit how this
whole injury situation has turned you into a sympathetic figure. Remember when LeBron, Wade and Bosh formed a
superteam in Miami and everyone absolutely HATED them for it? People were openly rooting for LeBron to tear
his Achilles! Double standard
bullshit. Regardless, there’s no way the
Spurs are dropping this series to the 2nd best team in Los
Angeles. Maybe next year, Dwight.
San Antonio in six
DENVER NUGGETS (57-25) VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (47-35)
Finally, a competitive series. This one should be a lot of fun, considering
that both teams like to play at a fast pace and shoot a ton of threes. Also, I’ve forgiven Steph Curry for knocking
the Badgers out of the NCAA tournament in 2008, and he’s now one of my favorite
players to watch. With that said, I
think he’s going down like Q-bombs on Bowen Ct in this series, for one
reason. Do you know who had the best
home-court record in the NBA this season?
Nope, not Miami. Not OKC or San
Antonio either. The Denver Nuggets, at
38-3. Thirty eight wins, three
losses. Good God. Perhaps they have an unfair advantage playing
a fast-paced game at altitude, and maybe they shouldn’t be the 3-seed with a
losing home record, but hey, I don’t make the rules. And the rules of basketball say that Golden
State must lose in seven games to the Nuggets.
Denver in seven
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS (56-26) VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES (56-26)
Yes. Thank God, David
Stern, Marc Gasol and Chris Paul for allowing this series to happen. In case you missed it, the second-most
entertaining series of last year’s playoffs happened in the first round between
these two same teams. I vividly remember
watching game 1 between them, and turning the TV off at the start of the 4th
quarter when Memphis was blowing out the Clippers, only to find out the next
day that Los Angeles had pulled off the largest comeback in NBA playoff
history, coming from 27 points down to stun the Grizzlies. I still haven’t forgiven myself. So I’m watching every minute of every single
game in this series and damn it, it better be awesome. Also, there’s a legitimate chance of a brawl
happening sometime in this series, because these two teams absolutely HATE each
other. As for who’s going to win? Never bet against Chris Paul.
Los Angeles in seven
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
MIAMI HEAT (66-16) VS MILWAUKEE BUCKS (38-44)
Hehe. Yes. Yes, yes yes.
This is why I love the NBA. So
that after all the bullshit of the regular season is finally over, I can sit
back and think about all of the glorious ways that my team is going to murder
everyone in their path to a third NBA title.
To be completely honest, it wouldn’t have mattered which team you threw
at the Heat in the first round, they’re just that much better than the rest of
the conference. You could put together
an Eastern Conference All-Star team (minus the Heat), put them up against Miami
in a seven game series… and the Heat would win in five or six. They have lost exactly two games since
February 1st. Two games. In fact, I’m not sure how they managed to
drop 16 all season. At one point, LeBron
and company won 27 games in a row. That’s
more wins that the Charlotte Bobcats have had over the past two years. That means nearly 20 million people were born
in between the time the Heat lost two basketball games. That shit cray. But as crazy as it was, it’s not nearly as
batshit-insane as what Brandon Jennings of the Milwaukee Bucks told the media
yesterday: “we’re going to win in six”.
Six… years, Brandon? Maybe, if you’re
lucky. Because there’s no way in hell
Milwaukee takes more than one game this series.
And honestly, I can’t even see Miami letting this series get past game 4
in Milwaukee, where I’ll be watching from section 105, row FF, seat 6. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yup, that’s right. I’m going to watch Erik Spoelstra’s crew in
their eighth victory of a TWENTY-GAME PLAYOFF WINNING STREAK (counting four
last season in the Finals). Which, you
know isn’t that big of a deal, unless you take into consideration that I’ll be
getting to watch the best player OF ALL TIME IN HIS PRIME destroy the Bucks in
the Bradley Center. And you better
believe I’ll be wearing Heat gear. Suck
it, Milwaukee. Also, I made a bet with
one of my med school buddies: if the Bucks win, I have to name my first child
Larry Sanders, and if (when) the Heat win, he has to name his first kid
Birdman. By the way, shame on the Bucks
for trying so desperately to make the playoffs this year, when they should have
been doing the sensible thing and tanking for a lottery pick instead.
Now, I know there are more than a few of you who are
probably confused by my continued support of the Miami Heat, even when they’re
on the verge of knocking out one of the original pro sports teams from my
beloved home state of Wisconsin. But
after you’re done calling me a traitor and a bandwagon fan (whatever that
means), hear me out. After all, it’s
Milwaukee’s own fault that I’m a Heat fan.
You see, when I first started watching basketball as a young-impressionable
13-year old, I was (and it deeply pains me to type this), a Marquette fan. For some reason, the Golden Eagles’
fast-paced, high-flying style of play appealed to me more than Bo Ryan’s
stagnant, clogged-toilet offensive “system”.
And when 13-year old me watched as Dwyane Wade carried Marquette to the
final four, tea-bagging Keith Bogans and the rest of the Kentucky Wildcats
along the way, I told myself “I am rooting for whatever team drafts that
man”. Later that year, the Bucks decided
not to trade up for Wade in the draft, and instead selected T.J. Ford three
picks later. The rest is history.
Miami in four
NEW YORK KNICKS (54-28) VS BOSTON CELTICS (41-40)
So I thought about this one for a while, and I decided that
it would be rude, tasteless and immature to make a cheap joke about the
tragedies that have occurred in Boston this week. Regardless of my general disdain for the
Celtics, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the response the city of
Boston had to the bombings last weekend was both heroic and inspiring. After all, I’ve ran a couple of marathons
myself, and I was absolutely amazed when I heard that following the race, many
runners kept going for TWO MORE MILES to the closest hospital in order to
donate blood. Incredible. And if you haven’t had a chance to watch the
YouTube video of the Boston Bruins crowd singing the Star Spangled Banner on
Wednesday night, stop reading this and go watch it now. If that doesn’t make you proud to live in
this country, nothing will. ‘MERICA!! Now,
with that being said, I think New York takes this series, because basketball
isn’t a game of emotion. It’s a game of
skill and athleticism, two categories where the Knicks outclass the Celtics by
some distance. And I hate to say it
because New York is probably the biggest threat to Miami in the East, but
they’re about to blow Boston out like the four-hour finish-line crowd. Whoops.
New York in six
INDIANA PACERS (49-32) VS ATLANTA HAWKS (44-38)
I can’t help but feel like both of these teams have fallen
into the same trap: not good enough to contend for a title, but not shitty
enough to contend for a lottery pick either.
However, as you might remember from last year’s Eastern Conference
Semifinals, the Pacers can do a passable job of imitating a real contender when
they’re sufficiently motivated. On the
other hand, the Hawks are a perfect example of everything that the casual fan
hates about the NBA: a group of highly-talented, overpaid athletes that could
probably contend for a title if they were sufficiently motivated and
intelligent enough to play smart, team-oriented basketball. And believe it or not, I think this is one of
the few series in the NBA playoffs where effort, discipline and defense will
prevail over pure talent. Also, I can’t wait
to watch the Pacers play the Knicks in the second round. And seeing how I correctly predicted the
outcome of 13 out of 15 matchups in last year’s playoffs, just trust me when I
tell you that Indiana is taking this one, and remember the cardinal rule of
betting on NBA playoffs: Never Trust the Hawks.
Place your bets accordingly.
Indiana in six
BROOKLYN NETS (49-33) VS CHICAGO BULLS (45-37)
Hey, remember two years ago when people thought that Derrick
Rose was a better basketball player than LeBron James? Haha.
Good joke, Chicago. Part of me is
actually hoping that the Bulls will win this series, just so the Heat can exact
revenge for the streak-ending loss they suffered in Chicago last month, but
let’s be honest. The highlight of poor
Chicago’s season was beating Miami once during the regular season. And after they get knocked out in the first
round for the second year in a row, maybe Derrick will finally return at full
strength and reclaim his place as the fourth-best point guard in the NBA behind
Chris Paul, James Harden and Russell Westbrook.
But I doubt it, simply because I think Rose has lost faith in his own
abilities. It’s been nearly a full
calendar year since Rose tore his ACL, and despite watching Adrian Peterson
return from the exact same injury to become the best player in the NFL, Rose
has yet to suit up for a game, despite being cleared by multiple team doctors. If he had half the heart that Chicago fans
think he does, the Bulls would win this series.
But he doesn’t. So the Nets will
advance.
Nets in five
BREAKING NEWS (sort of): The Big Ten has just announced that
the conference divisions will be realigned starting in 2014, with the East and
West divisions replacing the Leaders and Legends. The East will consist of Wisconsin, Nebraska,
Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Northwestern and Purdue, while the teams in the west
West division will be Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State,
Maryland, Rutgers and Indiana. First of
all, I think I speak for everyone when I say it’s about damn time we renamed
the divisions. Good riddance. Secondly, I think Wisconsin caught a major
break here being separated from Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State. For the forseeable future, the winner of the
Wisconsin-Nebraska game should be headed to the Big Ten Championship game.
A bit of trivia before we wrap it up this week: who is the
only NBA player to have his jersey hanging from the rafters in Milwaukee’s
Bradley Center? I’ll give you a hint:
it’s not Brandon Jennings. The answer is
Miami’s very own Dwyane Wade, who will be playing an instrumental role in
ending the Bucks’ season over the next week.
In fact, when the Heat inevitably retire Wade’s jersey in American Airlines
arena, he’ll become only the third player in the history of the league to have
his jersey hanging from the rafters of two different NBA arenas (after Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar, who was retired by both the Bucks and Lakers, and Michael Jordan,
who had his jersey retired by the Chicago Bulls and bizzarely enough, the Miami
Heat as well).
Welp, I think that’s all he wrote this week. If you’re reading this on Blogger, I want to
invite you to join the Chode Picks Facebook group, purely for the purpose of stroking
my already-inflated ego. As for the rest
of you already in the group, if you’re sick of listening to me, go ahead and
leave the group. Or deal with it and
pass me a beer.
- Chode Out.
