Chode Picks – Requiem

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure that my mere words are capable of describing the shocking, improbable upset that we all witnessed last week. In any field of competition, upsets are to be expected, but there’s a big difference between the garden-variety “upsets” that we see every year, and the kind of momentous, earth-shaking underdog victory that took place last weekend. Unbelievable. Just in case you’ve been completely cut off from society for the past seven days, I’ll fill you in on the most shocking contest that I’ve ever witnessed in my life, one that redefined the very essence of victory and gave the state of Wisconsin it’s finest hour.
Of course, I’m referring to Miss Wisconsin’s glorious victory in the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Despite being a heavy underdog, Laura Kaeppeler (from here on referred to as the Goddess of Wisconsin) worked her way through the preliminary elimination rounds, surviving with a combination of veteran savvy, unflappable confidence, and a smokin’ hot body. The Goddess of Wisconsin soon found herself facing a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the final round, going up against heavily favored Miss New York. Like a true champion though, she beat the odds and emerged victorious, solidifying Wisconsin’s claim to the title of Greatest State of All Time. 

Also, I think there was a football game on last weekend, but I’m not sure. Moving on.

Just kidding. I need a second to compose myself, otherwise my head is going to explode in anger. The hatred that I feel for Elisha Nelson Manning and his band of idiots is a raging inferno that has only been doused over the past seven days by a river of Natural Light. To be completely honest though, I wasn’t totally shocked by the Green Bay loss on Sunday. By the end of the regular season, it had become apparent to me that the Packers had peaked WAY too early, probably sometime around week 10. It was also obvious that our defense wasn’t anywhere near championship-caliber. For 15 weeks, Aaron Rodgers and company were spectacular enough to compensate, but when luck finally turned against the Packers in the form of fumbles, questionable calls and dropped passes (Seriously, Finley? Catch the fucking ball), it wasn’t enough. And even though I could see the loss coming from a mile away, it didn’t make it any less painful. Watching the final seconds of our season tick away as the Giants celebrated in Lambeau was a worse feeling than realizing my fly is still up after I’ve started urinating. The one thing that did take some of the sting away was knowing that less than a year ago the Green and Gold claimed their thirteenth NFL title, and at least for the next two weeks, we’re still World Champions. Also, at 15-2, the Green Bay Packers will finish the 2011-2012 season with the best winning percentage in the league, regardless of who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyways, here are the main takeaways from the 2011-12 season from an NFC North perspective. If it seems like I’m grasping for straws and desperately trying to find a silver lining, it’s because I am.

- The Green Bay Packers are going to be Super Bowl contenders for at least another five years. At least.

- If you would have told me at the start of the season that the Packers would finish 15-2, with Aaron Rodgers having the best regular season in NFL history and claiming the MVP, I would have taken it, even if I knew we weren’t winning the Super Bowl again. My friends, we just enjoyed one hell of a season. Even with the disappointing finish, we have a lot to be proud of.

- Jay Cutler will never be a championship-caliber quarterback.

- The Detroit Lions have replaced the Chicago Bears as the primary threat to the Packer’s divisional dominance.

- Minnesota, welcome to ANOTHER decade of irrelevance! It’s a bit depressing that a Packer playoff loss and a WNBA championship were the highest points of your year. Also, if you were looking for a sign of weakness, I apologize. The only feelings that I have these days are A) Drunk, and B) Awesome. And I can’t help but love the haters, because let’s be honest, we made you.

With that, it’s time to close the book on the Packers’ 2011 season. Until next fall, you stay classy Green Bay.

Speaking of fantastic seasons, Tebow Time finally came to and end last week against the Patriots. I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually expect Denver to win, but I thought they’d at least keep it within two touchdowns. However, it’s obvious to me now that the Broncos can only do two things: win close games in the last minute, or get blown out. There is no in between. As for Tebow himself, his 2011 season was even more polarizing than Michael Vick’s resurgence last year, which is odd when you consider that Vick murdered puppies and Tebow simply loves Jesus and sucks at throwing. Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel (Tequel?) next year.

By the way, if you’re wondering who’s going to take home the Lombardi trophy now that the Packers have been eliminated, I’ll give you a hint: its not the Giants. Or the Patriots. Or the Ravens. That’s right, you better get used to hearing the phrase “Super Bowl MVP Alex Smith”.

Now, I realize that in a few weeks a wave of post-Super Bowl depression is going to hit most of you, along with the false idea that there are no more sports worth watching until next August. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m probably more excited for this offseason than I have been any other year, for more than a few reasons.

First and foremost, the 2012 Olympics. There are two Olympic sports that you absolutely must watch this summer. The first is women’s 2-on-2 sand volleyball, for obvious reasons. I’d like to meet the man who invented that sport (It has to be a man. There’s no other logical explanation) and shake his hand. The second is Olympic basketball. There’s no other sport on Earth that the United States has such a distinct advantage in, and there’s almost nothing as gratifying as watching the USA beat the living hell out of countries like Iran, Syria, China and France. Also, Spain. Fuck Spain. In short, if you don’t watch USA Basketball this summer, you’re a terrible citizen and should probably move to Canada, especially since this year’s team is probably the best the world has seen since the original Dream Team in 1992.

Secondly, I think this is the year that Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will finally fight. It seems more than a little ridiculous that the two best boxers in the world are in the same weight class, yet have never fought each other. Personally, my money is on Pacquiao, but I might be a little biased because I think Mayweather is an arrogant douchebag. Even if you don’t follow boxing, you should watch this fight. It should be the Ali/Frazier of our generation. Cross your fingers that they’re both man enough to make it happen. This fight would make both of them far too much money for them to turn it down.

Last but not least, the NBA. If you’re not watching professional basketball this season, you should be. The league hasn’t had this much talent since the Jordan Era, and there are more than enough elite teams to make for a great season. And if you don’t like watching the NBA because the Bucks are terrible and you don’t know who to root for, just pick a team, for instance Oklahoma City, Miami or the L.A. Clippers. Just don’t pick the Bulls. Or the Lakers. Actually, don’t pick the Clippers either. I’m starting to despise them, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand in sports, its when superstars put aside personal statistics, take less money and join other great players to try to win championships. Just kidding. The real reason that I hate the Clippers is because they beat the Heat last week. In fact I was watching the Clippers-Timberwolves game last night and found myself rooting for the Wolves for most of the game, before I realized it and asked myself “wait, that the fuck are you doing?” And that’s when I realized how much I’ve committed myself to this Heat team; I was rooting for a MINNESOTA SPORTS TEAM JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING A TEAM THAT BEAT MIAMI!! Never again, I swear. 

Before I wrap up this season’s final edition of the Chode Picks and head into my offseason activities of mailing heroin to children and making omelets from bald eagle eggs, I want to take a minute to thank all of you for reading and making this such a special season. I honestly think its been the best year in Chode Picks history, and I wouldn’t write if it weren’t for you guys. So thanks again.

And with that, I’d like to announce my decision on a couple of issues that I’ve been debating with myself for a while now: where I’m going to medical school next year, and more importantly, if I’m going to write the Chode Picks again next fall. I think the major factor major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also. 

And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a rookie or even in high school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help my teammates get better and just wanting to win. And I've done some great things in my seven years, and I want to continue to do that. So this fall, man this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to keep my talents in Southern Wisconsin and continue to write the Chode Picks at the University of Wisconsin. That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

So I hope I can count on you guys to come back again next year. I really think that I’ll be able to maintain the Chode Picks at their current level during the first year of medical school. At the very least, I’m going to try. At this point, if I lost the Chode Picks, I feel like I’d be losing part of myself. Probably the best part of myself. So as of right now, the odds of me not writing the Chode Picks next fall are about the same odds that you have of meeting a real lesbian in a lesbian chatroom. Also, I might write a few times in the offseason. Maybe for Olympic basketball or the NBA Finals. Let me know what you guys think.

Until next season…

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Divisional Round

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome to the first-ever NFL Playoff edition of the Chode Picks. After a week off (did you miss me?), I’m back to bring you all of the sports knowledge that you desperately crave. It’s been an eventful two weeks, so let’s get to it.

First off, I am not going to wish any of you a happy new year. Do you know why? Because IT HAS NOT BEEN A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, for a number of reasons. First off, New Year’s Eve kicked my ass. I had to work until 10:30PM, which meant that I was forced to play catch up in regards to drinking (never a good idea). This, combined with bars being open all night, turned me into Drunkasaurus Chode before I knew what hit me. My last coherent memory was yelling “No, YOU put on some pants!” at a police officer before I blacked out. Somehow, I woke up on my friend’s futon at 9:06 AM the next morning. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem, but unfortunately, I had booked a bus ticket to the airport for 9:00 AM. I sprinted home to grab my bags, then ran to the bus station, all the while fighting the growing sense of dread that told me I might not make it to the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio after all. Luckily, after missing the first bus, I was able to get a spot on the next one, which still gave me enough time to catch my flight. Crisis averted. Unfortunately, the next day I was caught in another disaster, more specifically known as Wisconsin’s defense (or lack thereof). If you didn’t watch the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio, I’ll quickly summarize for you: those Oregon bastards are FAST. To be honest though, I think we all knew this was coming. After watching our defense get torn up by Michigan State, it was pretty obvious that we were going to struggle trying to slow down the Ducks. So to compensate, I stepped up my trash-talking in the hours leading up to the game, insulting and belittling anyone dressed in green and yellow that was dumb enough to cross my path. Oddly, they were a lot more clever and offensive than TCU fans in response, but I put them to shame with rants that would have made Dan LeBatard proud. An example:

“You have injury-prone LaMichael James! We have Heisman finalist Montee Ball!”
“You have the Portland Jailblazers! We have the world champion Green Bay Packers!”
“You have Sam Bowie! We have Vince Lombardi!”
“You have Greg Oden! We have Aaron Rodgers! DISCOUNT DOUBLECHECK!!”
“You live next to Washington! We live next to Minnesota! Shit, you win that one”
“Chip Kelly looks like a homosexual leprechaun!”
“Not a lot of people know this, but Bin Laden went to Oregon!”
“De’Anthony Thomas can’t even read! How did he get into college? Oh wait, he goes to OREGON!!”
“How the hell do you get to play in the Rose Bowl when you’re the third-best team in your own conference?!?”
“You have ugly-ass trees, we have delicious cheese!”
“We’re gonna blow you out like Brandon Roy’s knees!”

And so on. For the most part, they didn’t like me. But I did get a couple of Oregon girls to give me free shots because they thought I was clever. So I’m counting that as a win.

As for the actual game, I know what the rest of the world is saying. Bret Bielema “can’t win the big one”. Bullshit. The Badgers have won a lot of big games over the past three years. Yes, we lost to an inferior TCU team last year, but we also beat a pretty damn good Michigan State team in the Big Ten Championship game. And if I remember correctly, we knocked off the #1 team in the nation last year in the regular season (I noticed that game didn’t make your top 10 Wisconsin sports moments from 2011, Dave. It should have.). Overall, I’m not going to complain about back-to-back Big Ten championships, even if I walked out of the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio for the second time in 366 days with the sting of defeat. Its also worth noting that no Big Ten team has ever played in the Rose Bowl game presented by Vizio three years in a row. And in response to the two of you jackasses that blamed me for losing the game because the crowd convinced Bielema to waste a timeout, you’re welcome. You’re welcome for losing the game and thus convincing Montee Ball to come back for his senior season. You can thank me again after he wins the Heisman next December.

On top of Wisconsin’s football failure, the basketball team has dropped three in a row over the past two weeks, including a particularly awful home loss to the Iowa Hawkeyes, the worst team in the Big Ten. Right now, this team only does two things well: play defense and shoot three-pointers. Lately, the three-pointers haven’t been falling. It’s like watching a bunch of Kenne Koehler clones play basketball (actually, considering the majority of our team is slow and white, that’s a really good comparison). I’m still expecting Wisconsin to make the NCAA tournament, but it doesn’t look like we have what it takes to make a deep run this year, unless we catch fire from downtown. We’ll have to wait for Sam Dekker (the white Blake Griffin) next season to take us to the Final Four.

Damn it. As if things weren’t already bad enough, it’s snowing now. All I wanted was one damn winter without any snow. Is that too much to ask? Apparently this is only the start, and tomorrow we’re supposed to get pounded like a nine year-old in the Penn State showers. Ugh.

Fortunately, the state of Wisconsin still has one sports team that can wipe away all of our recent anguish with just three more victories. The Green Bay Packers begin their title defense this week against the New York Giants. Honestly, out of the three teams that the Packers could have played this week (Falcons, Lions and Giants), New York worries me the most. The Falcons and Lions are predictable; they beat bad teams and lose to good teams. With the Giants though, you never know what you’re getting. They could take the Packers down to the wire again, or they could shit the bed and lose by 30. My feeling is that after two weeks off, Rodgers is going to annihilate the Giants’ secondary, and the defense will do enough to keep a comfortable lead. Also, there’s no way this team is losing after dedicating the game to Joe Philbin and his family.

Packers by 10

On a related note, I’d like to call attention to the fact that I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT MATT FLYNN!! You probably laughed to yourself when I said that he would torch the Lions and lead the Packers to victory in week 17. Well who’s laughing now, asshole? Not only did Flynn win, he broke EVERY single-game passing record in franchise history. So I think I’m more than justified in saying that Matthew Clayton Flynn is the greatest quarterback in Packer history. In fact, he played nearly as well as my other personal favorite...

TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TE-BOW! DID! IT! AGAIN!!
As impressive as Flynn was against Detroit, Tim “Tesus” Tebow was even better against the defending AFC champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Timmy Terrific threw for 316 yards and two touchdowns with a passer rating of 125.6 in addition to rushing for another touchdown and kicking three field goals*. His 80-yard strike to Demaryius Thomas in overtime was purely magical. Slowly but surely, the doubters are turning into believers (Except for you, Jared. Take your “Tebow is the antichrist” theory and shove it up your ass.) When he was drafted, people said “Tebow can’t play in the NFL because he can’t throw”. Later they said “Tebow can’t win games”. Then it was “Tebow can’t lead a team to the playoffs”. Then he “couldn’t win a playoff game”. Just imagine what Tebow “can’t” do next. My prediction: Tebow is going to lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl. And the World Series. And the NBA Finals. 

Also, the Chode would like to thank Tebow and the Broncos for allowing me to win a slap bet with my foolish friend Jared Sawle last week. If I were you Jared, I’d start growing a beard out now, and maybe in three or four years you’ll have enough cushion to save your face from my furious palms.

In fantasy news, I am refusing to acknowledge the winner of the Sorry For Partying league championship, and I request that the commissioner strikes this entire season from the record books on account of Nate’s blatant cheating. Also, I have a few more suggestions to improve the league for next year. First and foremost, we need a trophy. Or a championship belt. Between all of us, I’m sure we can find or build something suitably awesome. Second, we should put money on the league. Nothing huge, but I think throwing in around $15 per person would raise the stakes and make everyone try harder. Third, I think we should do an auction instead of a draft. Just throwing it out there. Let me know what you guys think.

I’ve got a couple more random tangents before we wrap it up this week:

Dear University of Minnesota students, please stop referring to your school as “The U”. That nickname has belonged to University of Miami for over three decades now. If for some reason you’d like to tell somebody where you go to school (I can’t imagine why you would), feel free to tell them that you study at “Hell on Earth”, or “Where Dreams go to Die”, or “The Worst of the Big Ten”, or “The University of Gary Anderson’s Loserville” or even “Not Wisconsin”. Anything but “The U”. The only thing “U” stands for in Minnesota is underachievement. Also, ugly. Like Goldy Gopher.

Speaking of ugly things, baby-faced Eli Manning. All babies are ugly. If you don’t think that babies are ugly, it only means that you haven’t seen enough of them. Stupid, illiterate, jobless leaches. The absolute worst part of my job is when I have to take blood from babies. First they’re laying there in the crib, all smug and shit. Then when you poke them they start crying and making a scene. I want to punt every single one of them. I have a feeling that pediatrics isn’t going to be my specialty. Also, I want to punt Eli Manning’s face. I’m not sure why.

Shout out to the greatest weekend in the history of The Crevice. Thanks to everyone that made it happen. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to return until sometime in the late spring or summer. I trust that those of you back home will carry on the tradition proudly.

- Chode Out.