Chode Picks – Requiem

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure that my mere words are capable of describing the shocking, improbable upset that we all witnessed last week. In any field of competition, upsets are to be expected, but there’s a big difference between the garden-variety “upsets” that we see every year, and the kind of momentous, earth-shaking underdog victory that took place last weekend. Unbelievable. Just in case you’ve been completely cut off from society for the past seven days, I’ll fill you in on the most shocking contest that I’ve ever witnessed in my life, one that redefined the very essence of victory and gave the state of Wisconsin it’s finest hour.
Of course, I’m referring to Miss Wisconsin’s glorious victory in the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Despite being a heavy underdog, Laura Kaeppeler (from here on referred to as the Goddess of Wisconsin) worked her way through the preliminary elimination rounds, surviving with a combination of veteran savvy, unflappable confidence, and a smokin’ hot body. The Goddess of Wisconsin soon found herself facing a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the final round, going up against heavily favored Miss New York. Like a true champion though, she beat the odds and emerged victorious, solidifying Wisconsin’s claim to the title of Greatest State of All Time. 

Also, I think there was a football game on last weekend, but I’m not sure. Moving on.

Just kidding. I need a second to compose myself, otherwise my head is going to explode in anger. The hatred that I feel for Elisha Nelson Manning and his band of idiots is a raging inferno that has only been doused over the past seven days by a river of Natural Light. To be completely honest though, I wasn’t totally shocked by the Green Bay loss on Sunday. By the end of the regular season, it had become apparent to me that the Packers had peaked WAY too early, probably sometime around week 10. It was also obvious that our defense wasn’t anywhere near championship-caliber. For 15 weeks, Aaron Rodgers and company were spectacular enough to compensate, but when luck finally turned against the Packers in the form of fumbles, questionable calls and dropped passes (Seriously, Finley? Catch the fucking ball), it wasn’t enough. And even though I could see the loss coming from a mile away, it didn’t make it any less painful. Watching the final seconds of our season tick away as the Giants celebrated in Lambeau was a worse feeling than realizing my fly is still up after I’ve started urinating. The one thing that did take some of the sting away was knowing that less than a year ago the Green and Gold claimed their thirteenth NFL title, and at least for the next two weeks, we’re still World Champions. Also, at 15-2, the Green Bay Packers will finish the 2011-2012 season with the best winning percentage in the league, regardless of who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyways, here are the main takeaways from the 2011-12 season from an NFC North perspective. If it seems like I’m grasping for straws and desperately trying to find a silver lining, it’s because I am.

- The Green Bay Packers are going to be Super Bowl contenders for at least another five years. At least.

- If you would have told me at the start of the season that the Packers would finish 15-2, with Aaron Rodgers having the best regular season in NFL history and claiming the MVP, I would have taken it, even if I knew we weren’t winning the Super Bowl again. My friends, we just enjoyed one hell of a season. Even with the disappointing finish, we have a lot to be proud of.

- Jay Cutler will never be a championship-caliber quarterback.

- The Detroit Lions have replaced the Chicago Bears as the primary threat to the Packer’s divisional dominance.

- Minnesota, welcome to ANOTHER decade of irrelevance! It’s a bit depressing that a Packer playoff loss and a WNBA championship were the highest points of your year. Also, if you were looking for a sign of weakness, I apologize. The only feelings that I have these days are A) Drunk, and B) Awesome. And I can’t help but love the haters, because let’s be honest, we made you.

With that, it’s time to close the book on the Packers’ 2011 season. Until next fall, you stay classy Green Bay.

Speaking of fantastic seasons, Tebow Time finally came to and end last week against the Patriots. I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually expect Denver to win, but I thought they’d at least keep it within two touchdowns. However, it’s obvious to me now that the Broncos can only do two things: win close games in the last minute, or get blown out. There is no in between. As for Tebow himself, his 2011 season was even more polarizing than Michael Vick’s resurgence last year, which is odd when you consider that Vick murdered puppies and Tebow simply loves Jesus and sucks at throwing. Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel (Tequel?) next year.

By the way, if you’re wondering who’s going to take home the Lombardi trophy now that the Packers have been eliminated, I’ll give you a hint: its not the Giants. Or the Patriots. Or the Ravens. That’s right, you better get used to hearing the phrase “Super Bowl MVP Alex Smith”.

Now, I realize that in a few weeks a wave of post-Super Bowl depression is going to hit most of you, along with the false idea that there are no more sports worth watching until next August. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m probably more excited for this offseason than I have been any other year, for more than a few reasons.

First and foremost, the 2012 Olympics. There are two Olympic sports that you absolutely must watch this summer. The first is women’s 2-on-2 sand volleyball, for obvious reasons. I’d like to meet the man who invented that sport (It has to be a man. There’s no other logical explanation) and shake his hand. The second is Olympic basketball. There’s no other sport on Earth that the United States has such a distinct advantage in, and there’s almost nothing as gratifying as watching the USA beat the living hell out of countries like Iran, Syria, China and France. Also, Spain. Fuck Spain. In short, if you don’t watch USA Basketball this summer, you’re a terrible citizen and should probably move to Canada, especially since this year’s team is probably the best the world has seen since the original Dream Team in 1992.

Secondly, I think this is the year that Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will finally fight. It seems more than a little ridiculous that the two best boxers in the world are in the same weight class, yet have never fought each other. Personally, my money is on Pacquiao, but I might be a little biased because I think Mayweather is an arrogant douchebag. Even if you don’t follow boxing, you should watch this fight. It should be the Ali/Frazier of our generation. Cross your fingers that they’re both man enough to make it happen. This fight would make both of them far too much money for them to turn it down.

Last but not least, the NBA. If you’re not watching professional basketball this season, you should be. The league hasn’t had this much talent since the Jordan Era, and there are more than enough elite teams to make for a great season. And if you don’t like watching the NBA because the Bucks are terrible and you don’t know who to root for, just pick a team, for instance Oklahoma City, Miami or the L.A. Clippers. Just don’t pick the Bulls. Or the Lakers. Actually, don’t pick the Clippers either. I’m starting to despise them, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand in sports, its when superstars put aside personal statistics, take less money and join other great players to try to win championships. Just kidding. The real reason that I hate the Clippers is because they beat the Heat last week. In fact I was watching the Clippers-Timberwolves game last night and found myself rooting for the Wolves for most of the game, before I realized it and asked myself “wait, that the fuck are you doing?” And that’s when I realized how much I’ve committed myself to this Heat team; I was rooting for a MINNESOTA SPORTS TEAM JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING A TEAM THAT BEAT MIAMI!! Never again, I swear. 

Before I wrap up this season’s final edition of the Chode Picks and head into my offseason activities of mailing heroin to children and making omelets from bald eagle eggs, I want to take a minute to thank all of you for reading and making this such a special season. I honestly think its been the best year in Chode Picks history, and I wouldn’t write if it weren’t for you guys. So thanks again.

And with that, I’d like to announce my decision on a couple of issues that I’ve been debating with myself for a while now: where I’m going to medical school next year, and more importantly, if I’m going to write the Chode Picks again next fall. I think the major factor major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also. 

And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a rookie or even in high school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help my teammates get better and just wanting to win. And I've done some great things in my seven years, and I want to continue to do that. So this fall, man this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to keep my talents in Southern Wisconsin and continue to write the Chode Picks at the University of Wisconsin. That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

So I hope I can count on you guys to come back again next year. I really think that I’ll be able to maintain the Chode Picks at their current level during the first year of medical school. At the very least, I’m going to try. At this point, if I lost the Chode Picks, I feel like I’d be losing part of myself. Probably the best part of myself. So as of right now, the odds of me not writing the Chode Picks next fall are about the same odds that you have of meeting a real lesbian in a lesbian chatroom. Also, I might write a few times in the offseason. Maybe for Olympic basketball or the NBA Finals. Let me know what you guys think.

Until next season…

-Chode Out.