Chode Picks – Week 16

Merry Christmas league, and more importantly, happy end-of-semester!  It’s currently Christmas Eve Eve Eve in Menomonie Wisconsin, and I’m stuck here for only four more days, so despite being forced to spend time with my family, I have a lot to be thankful for.  There’s been a lot of football since last weekend and a few other life happenings, so lets get started.  First and foremost, let’s do  some college football.  More specifically, it’s time for Chode’s annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama, where I count down all of this year’s BCS games and correctly pick the winners.  So in order of least to most important…

BEEF ‘O’ BRADY’S ST. PETERSBURG BOWL: OHIO BOBCATS (7-5) vs EAST CAROLINA PIRATES (9-3)

So apparently the 7^th-place team in the MAC gets a bowl bid (Ohio), while the 7^th-place team in the Big Ten (Penn State) gets left out in the cold.  Way to go, NCAA.  The Nittany Lions would rape both of these teams, given the chance.  Seriously.  Penn State would bend over the Pirates and Bobcats, have their way with them and leave them emotionally traumatized for life.  That’s just how it goes over in Happy Valley.  Oh, and apparently this isn’t a BCS bowl.  But I’m picking the Bobcats since East Carolina isn’t a real state.  Also, five Chode Points if you can tell me why Penn State didn’t make a bowl this year.  Never forget.

OHIO by 3

TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL: #15 CENTRAL FLORIDA KNIGHTS (11-1) vs #6 BAYLOR BEARS (11-1)

I’m not sure what shitty conference UCF won to make this game.  The Big East?  It’s probably the Big East.  Anyways, their reward is a game against a Baylor team that plays zero defense and is going to disappoint the entire country when they tune in and figure out Oregon isn’t playing in the Fiesta Bowl.  Because if there’s one image that’ll stick with me from last year’s BCS games (other than Stanford running over the Badgers), it was watching Puddles the Duck cram his beak full of Tostitos as Chip Kelly’s squad crushed Kansas State.

BAYLOR by 14

ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL: #11 OKLAHOMA SOONERS (10-2) vs #3 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (11-1)

Yawn.  BORING!!  Unless Oklahoma gets six points per field goal and twelve per touchdown like some spring game scrimmage, I can’t see the Sooners covering the 15 point spread.  You think AJ McCarron and his buddies might still be a little pissed off about losing to Auburn on a 108-yard kick return?  Poor Bob Stoops.  He’s about to get bumrushed like a nine-year old at a Penn State charity findraiser.

ALABAMA by 21

DISCOVER ORANGE BOWL: #12 CLEMSON TIGERS (10-2) vs #7 OHIO STATE FUCKEYES (12-1)

I’m not writing about this game because it still makes me angry that the Badgers aren’t playing in it.  And in case you couldn’t tell, I’m still harboring a little bit of hostility against the Nittany Lions.

OHIO STATE by 7

ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: #5 STANFORD CARDINAL (11-2) vs #4 (12-1) MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS

Ugh.  Not sure if I should root for the Big Ten here, or against those a-holes from East Lansing.  It would be quite embarrassing if the Spartans were able to accomplish in one year what Wisconsin failed to do the last three: win a Rose Bowl.  Thank God Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany saw fit to put Ohio State, Michigan State, Michigan and Penn State all in the opposite division of the Badgers next year.

MICHIGAN STATE by 3.  Excuse me, I need to go shower now.

VIZIO BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP: #1 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES (13-0) vs ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

HA!  Haha.  Oh God, I kill myself sometimes.  Just kidding.  Let’s try that again.

VIZIO BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP: #1 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES (13-0) vs #2 AUBURN TIGERS (12-1)

I expect the Tigers to take an early lead, until Jameis Winston sneaks over to the opposite sideline and slips a few rohypnol tablets into Auburn’s Gatorade bucket.  Then look for Winston to use his physical talents to take advantage of the lethargic Tiger secondary after halftime.

FLORIDA STATE by 10

CAPITAL ONE BOWL: #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (9-3) vs #9 SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS (10-2)

Well, this is gonna be a disaster.  Mediocre, underachieving Big Ten team?  Check.  Super-talented SEC team that’s good enough to win an actual BCS bowl?  Check.  Freakishly athletic JaDeveon Clowney chasing around awkward, clumsy Joel Stave in the backfield?  Checkmate.

SOUTH CAROLINA by 6

Before we move on to the NFL, I feel like I should mention the Wisconsin Women’s Volleyball team recent trip to the national championship match this week.  I have absolutely no idea how that happened.  The only volleyball match I went to this year was at home against Michigan, and the Lady Badgers got crushed.  But somehow they managed to make the NCAA tournament as the #12 seed and knock off a bunch of quality teams, including #1-ranked Texas in the semifinals.  Then, after they had suckered Badger fans everywhere into thinking they might actually win the first volleyball title in program history, the girls lost 3-1 against…

…damn it…

Penn State University.  You know, since Minnesota sucks at everything, I think I have a new least-favorite college team to root against.

Alright, time to get to professional football.  Let’s start off on a high note.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (6-6-1) at DALLAS COWBOYS (7-6)

LOL.  I think it’s safe to say that my reverse-jinx on Tony Romo and his boys last week was a success.  Even if we end up missing the playoffs this year, coming back from 23 down at halftime to effectively knock Jerry Jones’ traveling circus out of the race was a highlight I’ll probably never forget.  And you know what?  For as much as everyone has ripped on Matt Flynn this season, taking us on five straight touchdown drives to win in Dallas has redeemed him in my eyes, as long as he doesn’t go ahead and do something stupid like throw a pick-six and fumble in our own red zone today…

GREEN BAY by 1

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (6-8) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (7-6-1)

Oh, fuck you Flynn.  Goodbye, Super Bowl dreams.  Never mind that there’s still an outside chance we could make the playoffs, we’re not going anywhere with this defense, especially if Clay Matthews and Eddie Lacy have to miss any significant amount of time.  I suppose it could be worse.  I’d rather have a moderately successful regular season and miss the playoffs at the end rather than suck from September on and spend all winter rooting against my team for a better draft pick.  The lesson as always: don’t be a Viking fan.  If you are, stop.  But hey, I know there’s one team that always makes me feel better when the Packers shit the bed…

PITTSBURGH by 7

CHICAGO BEARS (8-6) at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (8-6)

Just over ten minutes have went by in this game, and somehow the Bears have managed to give up 21 points while piling up a whopping four yards of net offense.  But hey, at least Jay Cutler is back.  It’s not like Chicago has an outstanding backup quarterback who might be leading the conference in QBR or anything.  So let’s all cross our fingers and hope the Bears sign Cutler to a nice, long contract extension this offseason and Josh McCown goes to Jacksonville.  Oh hey, Eagles scored again.  24-0.  Looks like nobody wants to win the NFC North this year.

PHILADELPHIA by 17

CHODE (2-3) vs FINAL EXAMS (3-2)

The good news: I’m pretty sure I passed all of my classes.  The bad news: my GPA is going to fall somewhere in the 3.1-3.3 range, making this the least successful semester grades-wise of my college career.  But you know what?  I’m happy with it.  In between all the Badger gameday drinking sprees, late nights downtown and writing the Chode Picks, I actually tried this semester.  I studied, went to class and generally acted like someone who gives a shit about doing well in school.  In fact, during finals last week I went SIX WHOLE DAYS without getting drunk.  But in the end, all that effort ended up landing me right next to the class average.  Whatever.  I’m not trying to be a brain surgeon or a radiologist.  Being an average, run-of-the-mill ER doc is just fine with me.  I guess it’ll take me 20 years to save up for my luxury yacht instead of 18.

FINAL EXAMS by 3

Good Lord, Trent Cole is murdering the Bears tonight.  This is awesome.

FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP: TEAM ERICKSON (10-3) vs JON’S MOM PAYS FOR SEX (9-4)

Ah, shit.  I just realized LeSean McCoy is playing for Jon.  So unless Matt Forte can score me some serious garbage-time points tonight, it looks like I’m gonna be making one hell of a comeback to win the title next weekend.  By the way, congratulations to Jay Cutlet on becoming the Bears’ all-time leader in passing yardage, which is kinda like being the smartest kid on the short bus.

JON’S MOM PAYS FOR SEX by 10

… and right on cue after I wrote that, Jay threw a pick-six.  He never fails to disappoint me.  I guess nobody wants to win the division this week.  Speaking of shitty quarterback play, let’s loop back to last Sunday’s game for a minute here…

Tony Romo, it’s not your fault.  Actually, that’s a lie.  It’s partially your fault.  But you’re less than half to blame for the Cowboy’s annual December collapse.  Because you didn’t give up five touchdowns on five possessions to a team quarterbacked by Matt Flynn.  Defense is the Cowboys’ #1 problem, while Tony Romo’s 4^th-quarter failures are a distant #2, which is appropriate because Romo tends to play like number two in the fourth quarter of the season.  That is, like a turd.  He plays like a giant poopsicle dressed in a Cowboy uniform.

Also, this is normally the point where I’d congratulate Peyton Manning for breaking the single-season touchdown record, but we all know if the Broncos had done the sensible thing and kept Tebow instead, he’d have thrown at least sixty and be going for his second Super Bowl in a row.

Chode Points update!  Since last week’s writing, ten of you got points for correctly naming Arrow as the greatest TV show on the air right now, while Cody Stanton and Ryan Bade scored 20 points each for drinking in a sauna and rolling around in the snow afterwards (correct me if you actually did it in time, Dougals).  Also, in a moment of weakness, I let Garrison Draves challenge me four times in Mario Kart over a period of an hour.  No need to worry though, because I kicked his ass in all four races.  As for this week’s challenge, anyone who slaps a Chicago Bear fan in the face gets 15 points.  And for the last fucking time Biceli, I’m not going to give you points for FIFA.  Current standings are as follows:

Sam MacDonald: 75 pts

Dan Jensen, Cody Stanton and Nick Miceli: 45 pts

Nate Mocadlo and Zach Niemayer: 40 pts

Ben King and Ryan Bade: 30 pts

Bianca Miceli and Dana Duncan: 20 pts

Megan, Andy, Eric and Dustin: 10 pts

Also, I promised Garrison 5 million points if the Packers play the Steelers again in the Super Bowl this year.  Not happening dude, sorry.  But if it does I’ll throw a Super Bowl party and buy beer/shots for everyone so nobody gets cheated.

Last but not least, I’m going to apologize in advance for next week’s edition of the Chode Picks being late.  You see, I’m going on a cruise in the Bahamas from the 28^th to the 3^rd and I’m probably not going to be able to get the Picks out in time.  My bad. 

There is no strong beer, only weak men.

- Chode Out

Chode Picks – Week 15

You know, there was a time when I actually enjoyed finals week.  Seriously.  Back in the glorious days of undergrad, it was my favorite week of the semester.  A full week without classes and only a few stupid exams to worry about?  Sign me up.  But alas, that was back when I could get by getting drunk almost every night, waking up at noon, studying for a few hours and getting ready to do it all over again, safe with the knowledge that there were enough idiots in my class to drag the average down to a level where I could get an A with minimal effort.  Good times.  But for some reason I decided to give up that cushion by going to med school, and now I’m sitting here sober on a Saturday night after an 11-hour studying binge, just getting started on the Chode Picks.  Well okay, maybe not completely sober.  But there’s a big difference between “casually sipping whiskey at my desk” and “shotgunning vodka-Red Bulls at Chaser’s”, so trust me when I say I’m not happy to be in the former category.  But enough about my hopelessly boring life.  I apologize for the shortened version of the Picks, but I’ll make it up to you over winter break.  Fuck you, school.

GREEN BAY PACKERS (6-6-1) at DALLAS COWBOYS (7-6)

So you’re saying there’s a chance.  That’s right, despite going winless for a month without our superstar quarterback, the Packers managed to pull out a one-point win over last year’s #1 seed in the NFC, the Atlanta Falcons.  Truly impressive.  I’d like to take this moment to point out that about six weeks ago, I declared then-unemployed quarterback Matt Flynn to be the most valuable player in the league on a dollars-per-game basis.  Understandably, more than a few of you thought I was a moron.  Well, guess who just saved the Packers’ season last Sunday?  MATT MOTHERFUCKING FLYNN, THAT’S WHO!!  And today, the Pack returns to the site of their greatest victory in the nearly two decades: Dallas, Texas.  Surely all of you Viking and Bear fans remember watching as Aaron Rodgers tore up the Steelers’ secondary and laid claim to the title of Super Bowl MVP three years ago.  Expect more of the same against the Cowboys this afternoon.  Looks like we’re going to make the playoffs after… wait, what?  Rodgers STILL isn’t cleared to play?  Shit.  Well, here’s hoping Tony Romo can pull his usual December disappearing act again and Matt Flynn finds a way to out-score a team with a winning record for once.

(thinking)…

Yeah, we’re screwed.

DALLAS by 10

CAPITAL ONE BOWL: #9 SOUTH CAROLINA vs #19 WISCONSIN

Ha!  No, I’m not ready to write about this one yet.  Give me another week and I’ll try to find a way to spin it into a Badger victory.  But don’t cross your fingers.  Unless you’re hoping Clowney gets on the wrong bus after the game and comes back to Madison to play for UW next season.

SPURRIER’S COCKS by a lot

#4 WISCONSIN BADGERS (12-0) vs OTHER BIG TEN BASKETBALL TEAMS (88-29)

Fun fact: every single Big Ten team is at or above .500 after the first third of the season.  Yes, even Nebraska.  Some attribute this to the weak non-conference schedules that teams from the “power conferences” play at the start of the year, but I’ll present a much simpler reasoning: the Big Ten is the only true “power conference”, and everyone else sucks, other than a few aberrant teams like Arizona, Syracuse, Duke, Kentucky and Louisville.  Shit, Arizona (the “top-ranked” team in the country) just beat the second-to-last team in the Big Ten by a whopping two points.  There’s no doubt in my mind that the Badgers are good enough to beat any team in the country on any given night this year.  And as long as they remain undefeated, I’m going to give them a space in the Chode Picks every week.  They’ve earned it.  Does that mean they’ll win the national championship?  No, of course not.  Don’t be ridiculous.  They might not even win the Big Ten.  But it’s gonna be a fun ride regardless. 

WISCONSIN by 1

HALFTIME.  I’m going to take a break from writing now, go get drunk in my sauna and roll around in the snow afterwards.  I would encourage you to do the same, but I’m pretty sure none of you have a sauna in your house.  Ten Chode Points if you do.  Twenty if you actually roll around in the snow afterwards. 

Speaking of Chode Points, time for an update.  For the second week in a row, NOBODY managed to beat me in basketball, Mario Kart or Super Smash.  Congratulations to Ken Bing for having the balls to challenge me in Smash, but I once again prevailed by a score of 10-6.  Keep at it dude, you’ll get me eventually.  Otherwise, Nick Miceli, Cody Stanton and Sam MacDonald win 15 points each for the closest guess at Frank Kaminsky’s point total against UW-Milwaukee: 16.  And honestly, one of you needs to beat me in video games before the end of the season to keep Sam from running away with the free case of beer at the end of the season.  This is embarrassing.  Point totals below.

Sam MacDonald: 65 pts

Dan Jensen: 35 pts

Nate Mocadlo and Zach Niemayer: 30 pts

Nick Miceli (happy birthday dude!): 25 pts

Ben King: 20 pts

Cody Stanton: 15 pts

Megan, Andy, Eric, Dustin and Bianca: 10 pts

U.S. MENS NATIONAL SOCCER TEAM (24-8-6) vs GROUP OF DEATH (0-0-0)

World Cup Soccer.  It only comes around once every four years, and I’m probably not writing this summer, so we might as well address this disaster now.  In case you’ve been living under a rock, the World Cup pairings were released last week, and it appears that US coach Jurgen Klinsmann must have slept with FIFA president Sepp Blatter’s wife at some point, because our group pairing literally could not be any more difficult.  Somehow in a field of 32 teams, #2 ranked Germany, #5 ranked Portugal and #14 ranked USA somehow got stuck playing each other for the right to advance in Brazil this summer.  Not to mention the last team in the group, #24 ranked Ghana, is no slouch either.  It’s bullshit.  This is the biggest farce of a sporting event since my 6^th-grade flag football team was robbed of the Dunn County Parks and Rec Championship.  Oh well.  I guess it’ll just be that much sweeter when we conquer Portugal and Germany on our way to ultimate victory just like World War II, right?  Wait, that’s not it.  France and Germany?  Russia and Japan?  Italy and England?  Whatever.  Europeans all look the same anyways.  And in case you’re wondering, 24-8-6 is the US team’s record under Jurgen Klinsmann.  So I actually like our chances of making it to the elimination round.  USA!! USA!! USA!!

U.S. MENS NATIONAL SOCCER TEAM by 2

So, it’s finally the holiday season, and I know there’s only one thing on your mind: what do I get my favorite sports blogger/med student for Christmas?  Well, luck for you, I’ve complied a list of the things I want this December:

I want a new quarterback for the Badgers.  I want a new offensive line to protect Aaron Rodgers.  I want winter to be three months shorter than usual.  I want all of my classmates to develop transient amnesia this week.  I want Paul George and Roy Hibbert to move to Mongolia.  I want the Packer defense to stay reasonably healthy for just one damn season.  I want Bret Bielema to be fired from Arkansas and start working at Burger King.  Then I want him to get fired from Burger King too.  Last but not least, I want another bottle of Wild Turkey, because this one is nearly empty.  But more than any of those things…

I want to get rid of the hipsters.  They’re everywhere.  On my streets, in my bars, even IN MY FUCKING TV COMMERCIALS!!  Listening to their weird music, sipping gourmet coffee, wearing their hair sideways with scarves wrapped around their puny, thin necks year-round.  Good Lord.  Even worse, it seems like the female ones purposely go out of their way to look less attractive than they normally could.  They’re useless.  The lowest form of life, even below clostridium difficile and opportunistic mycoses (clostridium difficile is the bacteria that makes you shit your guts out).  Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  But the point is, I wish I could get shipwrecked on a deserted island, spend five years surviving with only a bow and arrow, then return home, put on a green hood and TAKE DOWN THOSE WHO ARE POISONING MY CITY.  TO DO THIS, I MUST BECOME SOMEONE ELSE.  I MUST BECOME SOMETHING ELSE.  And if you can be the first person to tell me where the reference in the past three sentences comes from, you win 20 Chode Points.  Everyone after that gets 10.  Yes, that was a horribly awkward and convoluted way of plugging my favorite TV show, but I’m drunk and if at least one of you ends up watching, it was worth it.

FANTASY FOOTBALL SEMIFINALS: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (9-4) vs MOLSON ICE (8-5)

My buddy Mole took an early lead on me Thursday when Ryan Mathews and the Chargers knocked off the Broncos at home, defying everything we thought we knew about the NFL this season.  But considering Adrian Peterson is out (at least someone on the Vikings is taking their tanking responsibilities seriously) and Cam Newton is projected to score a billion points against the Jets, I’m gonna be okay.  And in my other league, we use a two-week per matchup format in the playoffs, which means I already have a 50-point lead going into this week’s semifinal game.  SHIVA BOWL HERE I COME!

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 6

Alright, time to call it a wrap for the week.  Considering the circumstances, I’m calling this week’s edition a success.  If you disagree, you can kiss my hairy, muscular white ass.  I leave you with the traditional Jewish Orthodox prayer, which goes as follows:

“Blessed are you, Lord, our God, ruler of the universe who has not created me as a woman”

Well said.  Go Pack.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 14

It’s my fault.  Friends, family and Badger nation, I’m truly sorry.  The Wisconsin Badgers will not be playing in a BCS bowl game for the first time in four years, and the blame falls squarely on my broad, muscular shoulders.  I have failed this city.  So go ahead and block me on Facebook, unfollow me on Twitter (just kidding, I have no Twitter followers), and deny that you ever knew me.  The less-informed Badger fan may put the blame on Joel Stave, thrower of three interceptions, or the suddenly porous defense, which was torn to shreds by the arm of Christian Hackenberg.  But you, esteemed reader, know better.  You know that Wisconsin’s Rose Bowl aspirations died the moment that I guaranteed a victory over Penn State last Saturday.  So I mean this from the bottom of my heart: my bad.

In case you couldn’t tell, the entire paragraph above was satirical.  I’ll say this once more: I DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO JINX COLLEGIATE OR PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS.  I wish I did, because then I could ensure the Bears never make the playoffs ever again (luckily, they’re taking care of it on their own this year).  Now with that said, let me go ahead and jinx the other high-profile sports team at UW.

MARQUETTE WARRIORS (5-3) at #8 WISCONSIN BADGERS (9-0)

I’m watching the game as I dictate to the nine-year old Hatian boy that I pay thirty cents an hour to type up the Chode Picks, and I must say I was completely wrong about this team.  They have the combination of shooting, size, defense and depth that could take them to the Final Four in March.  Also, we’re more than halfway to my predicted 16-0 start behind the fearsome frontcourt of Sam Dekker and Frank the Tank.  We even got a rare Evan Anderson sighting today.  He airballed a three-pointer.  Of course.  Just one small quibble that I’ve mentioned before: Ben Brust, you should not be shooting from three feet behind the arc.  Take a step forward.  We have too many scoring options to waste a possession with a thirty-foot prayer early in the shot clock.  If Dekker doesn’t bolt for the NBA after the season, this team could be real good for a long time. 

WISCONSIN by 6

One more note on the Wisconsin basketball team before we move on.  We suffered a loss today when point guard George Marshall decided to leave the team and transfer.  This is disappointing to me not just as a fan, but also on a personal level because George is one of the few UW athletes that I actually enjoy hanging out with.  The guy is a class act, and college sports need more men like him.  So farewell George, and I hope you become a star at whichever school is lucky enough to land you.  I hope you catch on with a professional team someday.  I love Bo Ryan for what he’s done for our program, but I really wish he had given George the chance to succeed instead of burying him on the depth chart.  God bless you, George.

WOMEN’S BASKETBALL: WISCONSIN BADGERS (6-2) at MARQUETTE WARRIORS (6-2)

Just kidding.  I’m not actually going to write about women’s college basketball.  But apparently we won today, giving us a sweep over our less-educated friends to the east for the first time in God knows when. 

WISCONSIN by 2

And in case you’re wondering why I’ve spent so much time on Marquette basketball today, just know that I grew up rooting for them instead of the Badgers.  In fact, as a child I used to sleep in a Marquette Warriors t-shirt.  I would blame my parents, but it resulted in me being a Heat fan today, so I can’t complain.  Also, I’m pretty sure my dad now resents the fact that I root for Miami.  Sorry Steve Quilling, but you did this to yourself.  I can never thank you enough.

ATLANTA FALCONS (3-9) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-6-1)

Aaron Rodgers has been ruled out of this game already.  In a related story, Atlanta is going to pick up their 4^th win of the season and the Packers are going to miss the playoffs in 2013.  Fine.  You know what?  Our defense sucks anyways.  Might as well keep Aaron on the sidelines, let Scotty Tolzein and Matt Flynn take turns throwing interceptions, and free-fall into a top 10 draft pick.  Is there a chance Jadeveon Clowney could end up in Green Bay?  Well no, unless a well-meaning Packer fan/owner travels to South Carolina and plants drugs in his car.  Speaking of Clowney, it now looks very possible that the Badgers will be facing off against the Gamecocks in the Capital One Bowl on New Year’s Day.  So there’s a chance that Jadeveon could save both Wisconsin football teams if he tears one of Stave’s arms off and Bart Houston or D.J. Gillins starts at quarterback next season.  Damn it Joel, WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE LIKE RUSSELL WILSON AND NEVER THROW INTERCEPTIONS OR GET SACKED??  But naturally, now that I’ve laid-out the Packers’ grand tanking strategy, they’ll find a way to win this game and fuck it all up.

GREEN BAY by 3

As long as we’re tempting fate here, might as well push it to the limit and test the powers of my newfound power.  So here’s a couple of sure-fire, iron-clad promises to the world:

The Seahawks will win the Super Bowl and Wilson will be named Super Bowl MVP.  GUARANTEED.

The Miami Heat will win their third NBA title in a row.  GUARANTEED.

Also, I’m embarrassed it took me so long, but I finally figured out what’s going on with Derrick Rose: it’s karma for the Bears breaking Aaron’s collarbone and killing our season.  More proof that God is a Packer fan.  And a Heat fan.  And a Yankee fan.

By the way, I’d like to wish you all a belated Happy Thanksgiving as I sit here and drink my leftover turkey.  Yes, drink.  Wild Turkey, that is.  And not just any Wild Turkey, but Wild Turkey American Honey, nectar of the gods and the official whiskey of the Chode Picks.  Go out and get yourself a bottle today.  Then pour it over ice, sip and look classy as hell while you drink away the painful memory of the most recent Packer loss. 

BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: #2 OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (12-0) vs #10 MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS (11-1)

(Editor’s note: I wrote this part on Saturday afternoon, before the game was played.  I’m leaving it as is for two reasons.  First, it’s more proof of my ability to sabotage sports teams via Chode Picks.  Second, it’s hilarious in retrospect.)

So Mark Dantonio thinks Michigan State should be in the conversation for the BCS title game if they beat Ohio State.  That’s cute.  And also completely irrelevant, because Urban Meyer’s crew is going to kick the living Chicago out of the Spartans.  Yes, I just used “Chicago” as a pseudonym for “shit”.  But anyways, there is only one way this game ends: with Brutus the Buckeye raping the steroid-fueled Spartan mascot and the Ohio State Buckeyes crushing all resistance on the way to their first BCS championship in over a decade.  It’s finally time for the Big Ten to break through the SEC blockade of national championships, and this team is going to be the one to do it.  So I call on you all to join me on rooting for Braxton Miller and company to crush Rapeis Winston and his Florida State brothers in the national championship game.  O-H-I-O!

OHIO STATE by 14

JAMEIS WINSTON (12-0) vs JOHN HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY (INFINITY-0)

Fun fact about this trophy: John William Heisman played center for Buchtel College in the 1800s, which would make him ineligible for his own award in 2013.  He also invented the shotgun snap that is now used by every collegiate and professional football team in the world.  Later on in his career as a coach, he led Clemson to their first national championship, cementing himself as one of the greatest men to ever take the field.  He also coached their baseball and track teams, and once defeated the Cumberland College Bulldogs in football by a score of 220-0.  No, that’s not a typo.  Two hundred and twenty to zero.  A score that would make Bret Bielema shoot a load in his oversized khakis.  And that, my friends, is why the trophy is named after him.  But there’s one thing Heisman never did in his illustrious career: sexual assault.  And that brings me to the sole reason that Jameis Winston should not win the most prestigious award in all of college sports: he took advantage of a super-drunk girl and got away with it because he happens to be the best football player in the country.  You know, I actually want the Vikings or Bears to draft Jameis in 2015 just because it means I get to root against him for the rest of his career.  End rant.

NOOOO… MEANS… NOOOO

(tomahawk chop)

NOOOO… MEANS… NOOOO

Ugh.  Geaux Tigers.

JAMEIS WINSTON by non-consensual 69

NEW YORK YANKEES (29-13) vs REST OF THE MLB (13-29)

Welcome to the dark side, Jacoby Ellsbury.  Congratulations on your new contract.  Go ahead and introduce yourself to your new teammates, along with the New England Patriots and Miami Heat.  You’ll want to make friends with LeBron and Jeter, but don’t let Tom Brady or Dwyane Wade get near your wife.  We’ll need to check your ring size before October.  And get used to the boos.  By the way, 29-13 is the Yankees’ World Series record.  Let’s get number thirty in 2014.

I’m sorry, but I can’t help it.  I like rooting for the evil teams.  A-Rod is only guilty of being a true competitor.  Also, one of my ethics professors (Norm Fost, MD, MPH) told me that performance-enhancing drugs are okay.  That ought to give you an idea of how flawed the power structure is at UW Health. 

NEW YORK in seven.

Chode Points update: nobody challenged me in basketball or Mario Kart, so those points remain unclaimed.  However, Ben King took me on in Super Smash Brothers and was defeated by Fox McCloud’s aerial assault 10-7.  I am truly disappointed in the rest of you Madison folk for not taking me on.  But to reiterate, these challenges stand for the rest of the season.  And yes, I will be home for Christmas, so those of you in Menomonie can take me on.

BEAT ME IN ONE-ON-ONE BASKETBALL: 30 Chode Points

BEAT ME IN MARIO KART: 40 Chode Points

BEAT ME IN SUPER SMASH BROS: 50 Chode Points

However, Nate Mocadlo wins the NovemBeer competition with a rough estimate of 250 beers, crushing my mark of a mere 127.  Well played, Nate.  Also, Dan Jensen wins 10 points for correctly figuring out that the name “Seadderall Seahawks” came from Bill Simmons (sorry, Sam.  You’re still in first) That leaves the standing as follows:

Sam MacDonald: 50 pts

Dan Jensen: 35 pts

Nate Mocadlo and Zach Niemayer: 30 pts

Ben King: 20 pts

Megan, Andy, Nick, Eric, Dustin and Bianca: 10 pts

Come on guys, get your shit together.  We can’t let Sam win this easily, especially when he’s living in Minneapolis.  Also, I think this is a good time to point out that two of my current roommates read the Chode Picks, and neither of them have challenged me in basketball, Mario Kart or Smash yet.  You’re allowed to try me once a day fellas, and we have a Nintendo 64 set up in the living room.  Be brave.

This week’s challenge is simple: predict how many points Frank Kaminsky (my new favorite UW basketball player now that George is leaving) scores on Wednesday against UW-Milwaukee.  Closest guess gets 15 points. Also, one million Chode Points to whoever can bring me the following items: one can of helium, 41 scrambled eggs and a kangaroo.  Don’t ask why.

Welp, I’m at five pages now, so I think it’s time to call it quits.  Happy December to you all.  Stay indoors, it’s cold as hell out there.

-Chode Out.