It’s my fault.
Friends, family and Badger nation, I’m truly sorry. The Wisconsin Badgers will not be playing in
a BCS bowl game for the first time in four years, and the blame falls squarely
on my broad, muscular shoulders. I have
failed this city. So go ahead and block
me on Facebook, unfollow me on Twitter (just kidding, I have no Twitter
followers), and deny that you ever knew me.
The less-informed Badger fan may put the blame on Joel Stave, thrower of
three interceptions, or the suddenly porous defense, which was torn to shreds
by the arm of Christian Hackenberg. But
you, esteemed reader, know better. You
know that Wisconsin’s Rose Bowl aspirations died the moment that I guaranteed a
victory over Penn State last Saturday. So
I mean this from the bottom of my heart: my bad.
In case you couldn’t tell, the entire paragraph above was
satirical. I’ll say this once more: I DO
NOT HAVE THE POWER TO JINX COLLEGIATE OR PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAMS. I wish I did, because then I could ensure the
Bears never make the playoffs ever again (luckily, they’re taking care of it on
their own this year). Now with that
said, let me go ahead and jinx the other high-profile sports team at UW.
MARQUETTE WARRIORS (5-3) at #8 WISCONSIN BADGERS (9-0)
I’m watching the game as I dictate to the nine-year old
Hatian boy that I pay thirty cents an hour to type up the Chode Picks, and I
must say I was completely wrong about this team. They have the combination of shooting, size,
defense and depth that could take them to the Final Four in March. Also, we’re more than halfway to my predicted
16-0 start behind the fearsome frontcourt of Sam Dekker and Frank the
Tank. We even got a rare Evan Anderson
sighting today. He airballed a
three-pointer. Of course. Just one small quibble that I’ve mentioned
before: Ben Brust, you should not be shooting from three feet behind the
arc. Take a step forward. We have too many scoring options to waste a
possession with a thirty-foot prayer early in the shot clock. If Dekker doesn’t bolt for the NBA after the
season, this team could be real good for a long time.
WISCONSIN by 6
One more note on the Wisconsin basketball team before we
move on. We suffered a loss today when
point guard George Marshall decided to leave the team and transfer. This is disappointing to me not just as a
fan, but also on a personal level because George is one of the few UW athletes
that I actually enjoy hanging out with.
The guy is a class act, and college sports need more men like him. So farewell George, and I hope you become a
star at whichever school is lucky enough to land you. I hope you catch on with a professional team
someday. I love Bo Ryan for what he’s
done for our program, but I really wish he had given George the chance to succeed
instead of burying him on the depth chart.
God bless you, George.
WOMEN’S BASKETBALL: WISCONSIN BADGERS (6-2) at MARQUETTE
WARRIORS (6-2)
Just kidding. I’m not
actually going to write about women’s college basketball. But apparently we won today, giving us a
sweep over our less-educated friends to the east for the first time in God
knows when.
WISCONSIN by 2
And in case you’re wondering why I’ve spent so much time on
Marquette basketball today, just know that I grew up rooting for them instead
of the Badgers. In fact, as a child I
used to sleep in a Marquette Warriors t-shirt.
I would blame my parents, but it resulted in me being a Heat fan today,
so I can’t complain. Also, I’m pretty
sure my dad now resents the fact that I root for Miami. Sorry Steve Quilling, but you did this to
yourself. I can never thank you enough.
ATLANTA FALCONS (3-9) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-6-1)
Aaron Rodgers has been ruled out of this game already. In a related story, Atlanta is going to pick
up their 4th win of the season and the Packers are going to miss the
playoffs in 2013. Fine. You know what? Our defense sucks anyways. Might as well keep Aaron on the sidelines,
let Scotty Tolzein and Matt Flynn take turns throwing interceptions, and
free-fall into a top 10 draft pick. Is
there a chance Jadeveon Clowney could end up in Green Bay? Well no, unless a well-meaning Packer fan/owner
travels to South Carolina and plants drugs in his car. Speaking of Clowney, it now looks very
possible that the Badgers will be facing off against the Gamecocks in the
Capital One Bowl on New Year’s Day. So
there’s a chance that Jadeveon could save both Wisconsin football teams if he
tears one of Stave’s arms off and Bart Houston or D.J. Gillins starts at
quarterback next season. Damn it Joel,
WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE LIKE RUSSELL WILSON AND NEVER THROW INTERCEPTIONS OR GET
SACKED?? But naturally, now that I’ve
laid-out the Packers’ grand tanking strategy, they’ll find a way to win this
game and fuck it all up.
GREEN BAY by 3
As long as we’re tempting fate here, might as well push it
to the limit and test the powers of my newfound power. So here’s a couple of sure-fire, iron-clad
promises to the world:
The Seahawks will win the Super Bowl and Wilson will be
named Super Bowl MVP. GUARANTEED.
The Miami Heat will win their third NBA title in a row. GUARANTEED.
Also, I’m embarrassed it took me so long, but I finally
figured out what’s going on with Derrick Rose: it’s karma for the Bears
breaking Aaron’s collarbone and killing our season. More proof that God is a Packer fan. And a Heat fan. And a Yankee fan.
By the way, I’d like to wish you all a belated Happy
Thanksgiving as I sit here and drink my leftover turkey. Yes, drink.
Wild Turkey, that is. And not
just any Wild Turkey, but Wild Turkey American Honey, nectar of the gods and
the official whiskey of the Chode Picks.
Go out and get yourself a bottle today.
Then pour it over ice, sip and look classy as hell while you drink away
the painful memory of the most recent Packer loss.
BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: #2 OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (12-0) vs
#10 MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS (11-1)
(Editor’s note: I wrote this part on Saturday afternoon,
before the game was played. I’m leaving
it as is for two reasons. First, it’s
more proof of my ability to sabotage sports teams via Chode Picks. Second, it’s hilarious in retrospect.)
So Mark Dantonio thinks Michigan State should be in the
conversation for the BCS title game if they beat Ohio State. That’s cute.
And also completely irrelevant, because Urban Meyer’s crew is going to
kick the living Chicago out of the Spartans.
Yes, I just used “Chicago” as a pseudonym for “shit”. But anyways, there is only one way this game
ends: with Brutus the Buckeye raping the steroid-fueled Spartan mascot and the
Ohio State Buckeyes crushing all resistance on the way to their first BCS
championship in over a decade. It’s
finally time for the Big Ten to break through the SEC blockade of national
championships, and this team is going to be the one to do it. So I call on you all to join me on rooting
for Braxton Miller and company to crush Rapeis Winston and his Florida State
brothers in the national championship game.
O-H-I-O!
OHIO STATE by 14
JAMEIS WINSTON (12-0) vs JOHN HEISMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY (INFINITY-0)
Fun fact about this trophy: John William Heisman played
center for Buchtel College in the 1800s, which would make him ineligible for
his own award in 2013. He also invented
the shotgun snap that is now used by every collegiate and professional football
team in the world. Later on in his
career as a coach, he led Clemson to their first national championship,
cementing himself as one of the greatest men to ever take the field. He also coached their baseball and track
teams, and once defeated the Cumberland College Bulldogs in football by a score
of 220-0. No, that’s not a typo. Two hundred and twenty to zero. A score that would make Bret Bielema shoot a
load in his oversized khakis. And that,
my friends, is why the trophy is named after him. But there’s one thing Heisman never did in
his illustrious career: sexual assault.
And that brings me to the sole reason that Jameis Winston should not win
the most prestigious award in all of college sports: he took advantage of a
super-drunk girl and got away with it because he happens to be the best
football player in the country. You
know, I actually want the Vikings or Bears to draft Jameis in 2015 just because
it means I get to root against him for the rest of his career. End rant.
NOOOO… MEANS… NOOOO
(tomahawk chop)
NOOOO… MEANS… NOOOO
Ugh. Geaux Tigers.
JAMEIS WINSTON by non-consensual 69
NEW YORK YANKEES (29-13) vs REST OF THE MLB (13-29)
Welcome to the dark side, Jacoby Ellsbury. Congratulations on your new contract. Go ahead and introduce yourself to your new
teammates, along with the New England Patriots and Miami Heat. You’ll want to make friends with LeBron and
Jeter, but don’t let Tom Brady or Dwyane Wade get near your wife. We’ll need to check your ring size before
October. And get used to the boos. By the way, 29-13 is the Yankees’ World
Series record. Let’s get number thirty
in 2014.
I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. I like rooting for the evil teams. A-Rod is only guilty of being a true
competitor. Also, one of my ethics
professors (Norm Fost, MD, MPH) told me that performance-enhancing drugs are
okay. That ought to give you an idea of
how flawed the power structure is at UW Health.
NEW YORK in seven.
Chode Points update: nobody challenged me in basketball or
Mario Kart, so those points remain unclaimed.
However, Ben King took me on in Super Smash Brothers and was defeated by
Fox McCloud’s aerial assault 10-7. I am
truly disappointed in the rest of you Madison folk for not taking me on. But to reiterate, these challenges stand for
the rest of the season. And yes, I will
be home for Christmas, so those of you in Menomonie can take me on.
BEAT ME IN ONE-ON-ONE BASKETBALL: 30 Chode Points
BEAT ME IN MARIO KART: 40 Chode Points
BEAT ME IN SUPER SMASH BROS: 50 Chode Points
However, Nate Mocadlo wins the NovemBeer competition with a
rough estimate of 250 beers, crushing my mark of a mere 127. Well played, Nate. Also, Dan Jensen wins 10 points for correctly
figuring out that the name “Seadderall Seahawks” came from Bill Simmons (sorry,
Sam. You’re still in first) That leaves
the standing as follows:
Sam MacDonald: 50 pts
Dan Jensen: 35 pts
Nate Mocadlo and Zach Niemayer: 30 pts
Ben King: 20 pts
Megan, Andy, Nick, Eric, Dustin and Bianca: 10 pts
Come on guys, get your shit together. We can’t let Sam win this easily, especially
when he’s living in Minneapolis. Also, I
think this is a good time to point out that two of my current roommates read
the Chode Picks, and neither of them have challenged me in basketball, Mario
Kart or Smash yet. You’re allowed to try
me once a day fellas, and we have a Nintendo 64 set up in the living room. Be brave.
This week’s challenge is simple: predict how many points
Frank Kaminsky (my new favorite UW basketball player now that George is
leaving) scores on Wednesday against UW-Milwaukee. Closest guess gets 15 points. Also, one
million Chode Points to whoever can bring me the following items: one can of
helium, 41 scrambled eggs and a kangaroo.
Don’t ask why.
Welp, I’m at five pages now, so I think it’s time to call it
quits. Happy December to you all. Stay indoors, it’s cold as hell out there.
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