Chode Picks – Week 13

Hello again friends, and welcome to a somewhat depressing, half-sober edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s currently Friday night in Madison, Wisconsin, and despite the forthcoming Badger game against Penn Rape (whoops, Penn State), it’s a very subdued crowd in the Badger State.  Why, you ask?  Well, you already know why, but here goes anyways…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-6-1) at DETROIT LIONS (7-4)

Well, shit.  Good season everyone.  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, because it’s a small consolation to the fact that the Green Bay Packers turned in one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen in the NFL on Thursday.  Adding insult to injury, it appears that this will be the first time in a while that I won’t be writing the Chode Picks in the playoffs (for those of you who are new to the Picks, I usually stop writing after the Packers get knocked out).  Believe me, there’s nothing I wanted more this season than to have to keep writing into February, but our defense and offensive line are apparently determined to shut me up far sooner than that.  Also, what the hell, Josh Sitton?  I don’t like Ndamukong Suh either, but if I were unfortunate enough to be playing against him in a few days, I sure as hell wouldn’t go out of my way to piss him off.  You owe my boy Flynn an apology and a case of beer.  Or two.  Speaking of Flynn, I don’t know how it’s possible, but he made me say the words “I miss Seneca Wallace” TWICE on Thanksgiving.  I guess the Seahawks, Raiders and Bills knew what they were doing after all.  But at least there’s one silver lining we can all be thankful for: none of us have to go back home and live in Detroit.  Hopefully.  If you live in Detroit and you somehow have internet access to read this, I sincerely apologize.  May God have mercy on you.  Trust me, it could be worse.  And by worse, I mean Chicago.  Yes, I would rather be chased down the streets of Detroit by a coked-out gangbanger than sit in a Chicago pub paying seven dollars a beer and listening to a bunch of fat bastards in Brian Urlacher jerseys cry about Derrick Rose’s latest season-ending injury.  Oh hey, that reminds me.  NBA basketball, the one professional sport I can go to distract me from the Packers’ continued futility without Rodgers…

DETROIT by 30 (Thirty. Are you fucking kidding me?!?)

MIAMI HEAT (13-3) vs INDIANA PACERS (15-1)

Let’s be honest: the Eastern Conference sucks balls.  The regular season in the NBA is all leading up to the Eastern Conference Finals when the Heat will play the Pacers for the honor of matching up against the Spurs in the Finals (again).  It’s really too bad the Bucks have had a shitload if injuries this year, because if they had kept everyone healthy this year, they could have snagged the #3 seed and kicked the Rose-less Bulls out of the playoffs, securing the ultimate slap in the face for Chicago sports teams: losing to Milwaukee.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  The Bucks might as well tank for Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker, Marcus Smart or Julius Randle anyways, because in the NBA it’s better to throw away a season to get a game-changer than play your balls off for the eighth seed and remain mired in mediocrity.  As for the Bucks’ owner Herb Kohl, I have this to say:  Please survive until Dustin Baldwin, Matt Van Himbergen and myself earn enough money to buy the Bucks, and we will save your franchise.  Honestly, if I won the lottery tomorrow I would buy the Bucks, if only because the Packers aren’t for sale.  Whoops, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  My bad.  What I meant to say is that the Heat are going to complete their four-peat of Eastern Conference titles, and it’s the only thing keeping me sane through second year of medical school and a shitty Packer season.

MIAMI in seven.  Again.

PENN RAPE (6-5) at #15 WISCONSIN (9-2)

We’re going to win.  That’s really all I can tell you about this game on Friday night.  I can’t tell you where the points are coming from, but I’m guessing the majority will come from the quadrangle of James White, Jared Abbrederis, Melvin Gordon and (sigh) Joel Stave.  But this I know: Wisconsin’s defense is one of the best in the country.  Shit, at this point I would take the Badger defense over the Packer offense behind Matt Flynn, Scott Tolzein or whoever else we put under center.  And to be honest, this game will cement our place in the Orange Bowl.  And that’s one hell of a consolation prize after losing to Ohio State and starting the season 3-2.  Hey, maybe we’ll win a BCS game for once in my college career.  Cross your fingers.  And it pains me to admit this, because he’s an immature douchebag, but Sojourn Shelton is going to be one of the best defensive backs Wisconsin has ever seen.  Damn, it’s going to be cold tomorrow.  SOULJA’ BOY, TELL ‘EM!

WISCONSIN by 14

JASON KIDD (4-12) vs  EVERY OTHER NBA COACH (236-228)

Yes, that’s right.  The combined records of every coach in the NBA are just barely above .500 at 236-228, while the Brooklyn Nets are mired at 4-12, right next to the injury-riddled Milwaukee Bucks.  You know, I wish I would have called this sooner but there’s no way in hell a team coached by a 43-year old dude could convince Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Deron Williams to play hard enough to seriously challenge for the NBA title.  Sorry Mikhail Prokhorov, but you bought the wrong team.  If you want to win in the NBA, you need to sign young players before they hit their prime, not old players past their prime.  Baksetball is a game for young men, which explains why a 5-foot-9 guy like myself can hold my own at the Camp Randall Sports Center (the Shell) against a bunch of thirty-year old dudes in pickup games.  And yes, I just took a whole paragraph to humblebrag for myself in the Chode Picks.  Deal with it.  By the way, anyone that can beat me one-on-one for the rest of the football season in a best of five game wins 30 (THIRTY) Chode Points.  Challenge me if you dare.  And while we’re on the topic of impossible challenges, I’ll throw two more out for anyone daring enough to take me on:

Beat me in Mario Kart 64 on Yoshi Valley, Koopa Troopa Beach or Banshee Boardwalk = 40 points

Beat me in Super Smash Bros 64 on-on-one = 50 Chode Points

These challenges will stand until the end of the season.

Good luck.

ANY OTHER NBA COACH by 14 games

With that said, here are the Chode Points standing so far:

Sam MacDonald: 50 pts

Zach Niemayer: 30 pts

Dan Jensen and Ben King: 25 pts

Nate, Megan, Andy, Nick, Eric, Bianca and Dustin: 10 pts

Congrats to Sam on being man enough to take a shot of 151-proof booze this week.  I expected much more out of the rest of you.

SEADDERALL SEAHAWKS (10-1) vs REST OF THE NFL (163-177)

No, I didn’t think of “Seadderall Seahawks” on my own, but if you tell me who did, I’ll give you 10 Chode Points.  Brilliant.  Anyways, since the Packers are pretty much out of the playoffs, I’m finally ready to forgive Seattle for the Fail Mary last year and root for them to win it all.  After losing Kevin Durant to Oklahoma City, they deserve a true contender.  Also, like all other Badger fans, I have a slight man-crush on Russell Wilson, and I can’t wait to watch him beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.  But mark my words, at some point over the next five years, the Packers will beat the Seahawks in the playoffs and I will scream “YOU DESERVE THIS, YOU CHEATING ASSHOLES!!”  But not this year.  I’ll save it.  God bless you, Al Harris. 

FLORIDA STATE FOOTBALL (11-0) vs TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPT (0-0)

(tomahawk chop motion)

NOOOOO…. MEANS… NOOOOOOOOO

(tomahawk chop again)

NOOOOO… MEANS… NOOOOOOOOO

TALLAHASSEE POLICE DEPT by 10 years plus five on probation

FANTASY FOOTBALL: JON ERICKSON STILL PAYS FOR SEX (9-3) vs TEAM ERICKSON (9-3)

First seed playoff spot on the line here.  But let’s be honest: nobody cares about my fantasy league.  He’ll probably beat me again, but that doesn’t take away the fact that me and my high school teammates beat him twice in his senior year and knocked the Chippewa Falls Cardinals out of the playoffs.  See you in the Championship round, Jon. 

One last bit of advice: keep track of the random girls you hook up with in college, because one of them might end up becoming the love of your life.  You know who you are.

Green and Gold until I die.

- Chode Out.