Chode Picks – Week 10

Tragedy.  A word with many meanings.  To some, a tragedy means failing a class, losing your job or watching your house burn down.  Others may consider it losing a loved one, going to war or being forced to listen to a Miley Cyrus song.  If you asked the surviving population in the Phillipines today, they might tell you about the tragedy of Super Typhoon Haiyan. (Which by the way, would make an awesome name for a pro wrestler.  If I could pick one thing in the world to be named after me, it would be Super Typhoon Alex.)  But if you were to ask the citizens of Green Bay, Wisconsin to define the word tragedy last Monday night, I’m fairly certain “fractured collarbone” would have been at the top of the list.  Yes, I’m sure you were all watching when the evil Chicago Bears inflicted this horrible, senseless, black-hearted scourge upon the good people of Wisconsin, so I won’t recap the awful events of that night.  But with every dark storm cloud comes a silver lining, and this is no different, because it’s going to look way more awesome when we come back to win the Super Bowl again this year.  That’s right.  We might need a few breaks along the way, but I’m confident that if we can do the following things, we’ll stay right on track for a playoff berth until Rocket-Arm Jesus comes back to lead us to the promised land.  Dibs on that nickname. 

First and foremost, Eddie Lacy needs to be a man.  I know he’s been impressive so far, but he’s going to need to run like he stole something from Jason Bourne twenty to thirty times a game to keep the offense afloat and take some pressure off of Seneca Wallace.  Basically, he needs to do what James White did to BYU today.  More on that later.  I think he’s up to it.  Don’t let me down, Hammer. 

Second, we need our offensive line to be outstanding.  Seneca Wallace isn’t a great quarterback, but if you give Jordy Nelson and James Jones enough time, they’ll get so wide open that anyone not named “Joel Stave” could hit them. 

Third and most importantly, Clay Matthews, Morgan Burnett and the rest of the Packer defense must play like their pubic hair is on fire.  No, not literally.  It’s a metaphor.  But I expect them to rebound from an embarrassing showing against Josh McCown last week and pull their weight.  Major injuries like this have a way of focusing a team.  It’s called the Ewing Theory and it was discovered by some giant dickhead who writes for Grantland.  Anyways, as long as Rodgers isn’t out for more than a month, everything will be okay.  Seneca will improve, Hammer will carry us to a couple of wins, and we will survive.  If the game was all about one player, we would call it tennis. 

By the way, I apologize to those of you who think I somehow “jinxed” the Packers by guaranteeing a win over the Bears last week.  But don’t be an idiot.  If I had the power to curse my favorite teams through the Chode Picks, Green Bay never would have won Super Bowl XLV and the Miami Heat would have lost the NBA Finals the past two years.  And the Badgers would have lost three Rose Bowls in a row.  Oh, damn it. 

Speaking of UW football, the Badgers rolled over the BYU Cougars today in Camp Randall to the tune of 27-17.  I’m sure our Mormon head coach Gary Andersen was a little conflicted watching his squad of thugs beat up on the Latter-Day Saints, but luckily I’m Protestant and have no such misgivings.  So take your extra Bible book, caffeine-free soda and sexually frustrating lifestyle back to Utah where it belongs, Cougars.  Tell your righteous, overly polite fans to enjoy the 20-hour drive home.  Jimmer Fredette sucks.  

And concerning Badger football, it’s time to face the music.  Enough is enough.  It was obvious to everyone in Camp Randall today that we have top-notch talent at every position… except for one.  You know, the most important position in all of sports, quarterback.  It’s time to show Joel the way to the bench and hand him a clipboard.  Now you’re probably asking, “who do we have that’s better?”  Curt Phillips?  I love him, but no.  Bart Houston?  Not yet, he’s too young and unpolished.  Tanner McEvoy?  Hell no.  Apparently we need him at safety and he’s arrogant enough as it is.  But there’s one player on the roster with a stellar record at quarterback who has the intelligence, mobility and arm to lead us to the next level.  His name is Jared Abbrederis.  Yep.  You all know about my long-ago friendship with the Badger’s #1 receiver, but what you may not know is he played quarterback in high school.  And he was really, really good.  First-team all state good.  BFS National Athlete of the Year good.  Don’t ask me why nobody on the coaching staff has thought of this earlier.  Maybe they should have taken a closer look at my job application after Bielema left.  Assholes.  Regardless, Abbrederis is a shorter version of Jordy Nelson.  And Jordy Nelson was one injury away from playing quarterback for the Packers last Monday.  Make it happen, Andersen.  ABBRA-CA-DERIS!!

Also, I’m fairly convinced now that Joel Stave is racist.  He only throws to white dudes.  Or dudes named White. 

Time for an update on the Chode Points standings.  There was one insufferable asshole who picked the Bears to win last week, but I’m not going to type his name because he doesn’t deserve it.  But you know who you are, and you get 15 Chode Points.  As far as the Novembeer competition goes, I’m currently at 27.  Considering it’s the week before exams, I’m pretty damn proud of myself.  Let me know in the comments if you’re ahead of me.  And yes, you’re allowed to game the system by drinking watered-down shit like Natty Light or Keystone, but if I catch any of you drinking Miller 64, I will smack that garbage out of your dirty fingers.  It’s an affront to real beer.  Anyways, here are the standings:

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King and THE ASSHOLE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric, Sam and Bianca: 10 pts

As for this week’s challenge, it’s very simple.  The first person to shotgun a 16-ounce beer and confirm it by posting on the Chode Picks Facebook group gets 15 points.  Anyone who does it after the first person gets 10 points.  I won’t ask for pictures, but no cheating, please.  And yes Eric, you can crush-chug it instead because somehow you do that faster than anyone can shotgun a beer. 

Well, we’re two full pages in and have yet to get to the actual Picks.  Time to put a stop to this nonsense.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (4-5) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-3)

Hey, guess what?  I’ll be at this game, which starts approximately 13 hours from now!  And since I’m publishing the Chode Picks on a Saturday night, there’s a pretty good chance you’re reading this during a commercial break in the game.  Look for me!  I’m in the south endzone stands, way up near the top, next to the drunk guy wearing a Rodgers jersey! (That’s you, Garrison.)  And even though it’s the weekend before exams, I made it to two Wisconsin football games this weekend.  Do you know why?  Because I’m a real fan, damn it.  I bleed green and gold.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I bleed Badger red just like everyone else, but you know what I meant.  And while my classmates were all locked up in the library this weekend, I had my priorities in order.  If that means I end up with a B in respiratory pathology, so be it.  The most important equation I learned in medical school was this: B = M.D.  Go Pack.

GREEN BAY by 3

DETROIT LIONS (5-3) at CHICAGO BEARS (5-3)

Go Lions.  There, I said it, and I don’t ever want to say it again.  But it’s important that Detroit wins this game to keep us in first place in the NFC North.  Unfortunately, as the entire state of Michigan can attest to, the Lions have a way of faltering exactly when you expect the most out of them.  I’m counting on Ndamukong Suh, Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford to keep me from looking like an idiot here.  A couple of Cutler INTs wouldn’t hurt either.

DETROIT by 7

#1 ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (13-0) vs #2 FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES (13-0)

Let’s be honest.  Neither of these teams is losing before the BCS National Championship game.  And I’d like to be the first one to make this (somewhat) bold claim: AJ McCarron will win the Heisman Trophy.  Yes, boring old unbeatable AJ McCarron.  It’s time to stop penalizing him for playing on the best team in the country.  Sorry, Ohio State.  I guess 25-0 over the past two seasons just isn’t good enough for the computers.

ALABAMA by 10

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (6-3) vs TEAM STAHL (6-3)

This week, I take on last year’s league champion with first place in my Madison league on the line.  And this week, I beat Brian and lay claim to the best damn team in the land.  But that’s boring to everyone else, so I’ll skip ahead here.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by eleventy billion

MOLSON ICE (5-4) vs BRADY BUNCHES OF X’S AND O’S (4-5)

I’m obligated to mention this matchup because one of my buddies threw a fit last week when he was playing me and I didn’t write about it.  My bad.  I didn’t realize being mentioned in the Chode Picks was such a big deal to you.  So allow me to introduce all of you to my good friend Ryan Bade.  Ryan is a fellow second-year med student at Midwestern University in Chicago.  He enjoys long walks on the beach, science fiction novels, pigeon breeding, and creating arcane drinking games with plastic crocodiles meant for children between the ages of 4 and 12.  Also, he’s single and available, ladies. 

BRADY BUNCHES OF X’S AND O’S by 6

Obligatory note about the Miami Dolphins turmoil: Richie Incognito is a douche.  Just take a look at his fat, stupid face.  Being a good football player doesn’t give you the right to be an asshole.  Enjoy your premature retirement.  Interior offensive linemen aren’t that hard to come by in the NFL.  Just be glad you got out before you suffered too much irreversible brain damage.

Alright.  It’s late, I’m old and I have to wake up early to get to Green Bay tomorrow.  Thanks for reading.  God bless America and the Green Bay Packers.

- Chode Out