Chode Picks – Week 9

Happy November, bitch!  It’s officially the worst month of the year now that Halloween is over, and we’re staring down five bleak months of winter ahead, but that’s not going to rain on my parade today.  Nope, not when my bitchin’ new Jordy Nelson jersey just arrived in the mail, fresh from China and expertly stitched by the finest child laborers Southeast Asia has to offer.  Try to contain your jealousy.  It couldn’t have come at a better time, considering Jordy is coming off of a two-score performance against Minnesota and is keeping our prolific passing attack alive and well despite the emergence of Eddie “Lace Mode” Lacy and our new power running game.  Thank God, because I’m fairly certain Vince Lombardi has been rolling in his grave for the past few years due to our continued inability to gain yards on the ground.  With our offense in it’s current state, I imagine he’s still spinning underground, but doing so with a massive erection, producing a hollow, knocking sound against the sides of his coffin.  You are sincerely welcome for that image.

And since today is November 1^st, I imagine many of you will be partaking in Novembeard.  Unfortunately, I won’t be able to participate this year, because on the few occasions I have to deal with patients this month, I’m not allowed to look like an unkempt savage.  Damn it all.  So as a replacement, I will be kicking off the first ever month-long competition of…

…wait for it…

NovemBEER!!  Brilliant, I know.  Rather than pledging to raise awareness about men’s health by growing out my face-fur, I’ll be raising awareness for coronary artery disease (Did you know alcohol modestly raises your good cholesterol?  You do now!) by pledging to drink an average of at least three beers a day for the month of November.  Yes, I know that’s only three cases for an entire month.  I could do better, but I just like whiskey too damn much to limit myself to beer alone.  But I’d like to invite you all to participate in Novembeer with me.  Keep track of your beer count for the entire month and the winner at the end will get 40 Chode Points.  We’re gonna be relying on the honor system here, so don’t be a dick. 

CHICAGO BEARS (4-3) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-2)

This just keeps getting better.  One week after curb-stomping a Minnesota team forced to choose between the concussed Josh Freeman and the limp-armed wreck Christina Ponder, we get the Bears in Lambeau without Jay Cutler.  And because Chicago apparently couldn’t forsee another inevitable injury to their mopey, dickhead quarterback, they’ll trot out the immortal Josh McCown in Green Bay on Monday night.  Somehow, we’re only favored by ten points.  But maybe I’m being a little to harsh on McCown.  After all, he threw one of the greatest passes in NFL history a decade ago to put the Packers in the playoffs and knock the Vikings out (remember that one, Minnesota?).  But sorry Chicago, I just can’t see a guy who played in the United Football League two years ago keeping this one close.  So for this week’s Chode Points challenge, I want you all to predict the Packers’ winning margin in the comments below.  Closest guess gets 15 points.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t spend some time on the Packers’ masterful offensive display last Sunday night.  Aaron Rodgers and company took the field for nine drives last Sunday, and five of those drives resulted in touchdowns.  Three of them finished with made field goals by Mason Crosby, and the last one finished with Rodgers taking a knee to end the game.  Needless to say, punter Tim Masthay was not happy.  His Pro Bowl chances just took a major hit.  And that’s a shame, because he’s been mostly spectacular during his brief run with the Packers.  But honestly, if I were Ted Thompson, I’d cut his ass and sign another receiver.  We’re not gonna need to punt against the Bears anyways.   Expect Aaron and Jordy to pick apart Chicago’s secondary with the same precision and efficiency as all the little Chinese kids it must have taken to stitch together this beautiful jersey.

GREEN BAY by 21

So apparently I was wrong about the St Louis Cardinals.  The team that looked unbeatable almost all year got bombed in Boston last night to lose the World Series.  The Red Sox blasted the Cardinals’ bullpen without mercy and slaughtered their championship dreams.  I have nothing but sympathy for the poor St Louis families that were blown away by this horrible, horrible tragedy.  MISSOURI STRONG!

So if it’s alright with you guys, I think I’ll stick to football and basketball from now on.  Or at least until the Brewers are respectable again.  Then I’ll hop back on the bandwagon.  Don’t judge me.

#24 WISCONSIN BADGERS (5-2) at IOWA HAWKEYES (5-3)

After a brief hiatus, it’s time again for one of college football’s most treasured rivalries, Wisconsin and Iowa, the battle for the Heartland Trophy, which I’m pretty sure most of you didn’t know existed until just now.  Yup.  The trophy game started in 2004, and although it’s surpassed in importance by the battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe, this rivalry has actually had more than one winner over the past decade.  However, this game gives us a chance to stretch our dominance over the Hawkeyes to five years.  And you can bet we’re not letting it slip away.  Because the truth is, Iowa is merely a less-talented version of Wisconsin.  Not only in athletics, but also in intelligence.  And that friends, is the biggest reason I chose to stay in Madison for med school instead of moving to Iowa City.  That and because UW offered me a scholarship while Iowa merely gave me loans.  HOW DARE YOU, IOWA CARVER COLLEGE OF MEDICINE??

WISCONSIN by 10

By the way, the winner of last week’s costume competition was Zach Niemeyer.  I saw a lot of Miley Cyrus costumes this past weekend, but that was unquestionably the best.  So as of this week, the Chode Points standings are as follows:

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric, Sam and Bianca: 10 pts each

#20 WISCONSIN BASKETBALL (0-0) vs REST OF THE BIG TEN (0-0)

The college basketball season tips off next weekend, and I was going to do a long write-up on why the Kentucky Wildcats are going to steamroll everyone en route to another NCAA title, but then I realized none of you care.  So we’ll stick to the Badgers.  Fortunately, predicting a Badger basketball season is easier than a UW-Stout sorority girl after five margaritas.  Bo Ryan’s crew is going to win somewhere between 20-25 games, finish third or fourth in the Big Ten, make the NCAA tournament seeded somewhere between 3 and 6, and then lose in the round of 32 or the sweet sixteen.  They’ll do this despite having a glaring talent disadvantage against every Big Ten team not named Iowa or Northwestern, and despite not returning any big men except a seven-footer who averaged less than two rebounds a game last year.  So we’re gonna be asking a lot from Sam Dekker, Ben Brust and Josh Gasser.  But they’ll be fine.  Bo always finds a way.  Also, I have absolutely no idea how this team is ranked higher than our football team.  That is ridiculous.  Damn BCS computer bullshit. 

REST OF BIG TEN by 3 (teams)

Seriously, guys.  I wish you could all see this jersey.  It’s beautiful.  The numbers are even stitched on!!  Those magnificent orphans are earning every single cent of their salary. 

#7 MIAMI HURRICANES (7-0) at #3 FLORIDA STATE INJUNS (7-0)

Bold prediction: by tomorrow night, one of these teams will no longer be undefeated.  Haha!  In all seriousness though, I’ll be rooting for Miami tomorrow night.  Not because I have anything against Jameis Winston.  He’s awesome, and I think he should win the Heisman.  More because we need FSU to lose for Ohio State to have any chance of making the BCS title game.  In reality though, everyone wins here because they live in Florida and don’t have to freeze their balls off for half the year. 

MIAMI by 7

FANTASY FOOTBALL: MYOCARDIAL INFARCT INDUCER (4-4) vs LACMBOUH LISTENS TO NICKELBACK (6-2)

First of all, thanks in advance to my friend Lacmbouh for leaving Maurice Jones-Drew and David Akers in the lineup despite being on a bye week.  That takes some balls.  As for my team name, I know a few of you are asking right now “but Chode, don’t you like Nickelback?”  Yes, yes I do.  Nickelback is undoubtedly the greatest rock band of our generation.  Someday you’ll tell your children about them like your parents told you about Elvis or the Beatles.  But apparently there are a few people in this world who think listening to Nickelback is some sort of character flaw.  So I’m acquiescing to them just for a week.  Whatever.  Nickelback rules. 

LACMBOUH LISTENS TO NICKELBACK by 12

Oh.  My.  God.  THEY THREW IN A FREE SWEATBAND WITH THE JERSEY!!  This may be the best day of my life.  Or maybe it’s a tiny vest.  After all, people in China are pretty diminutive.  And I can’t imagine those kids had any need for a sweatband in their safe, well-ventilated working conditions.

Shout out to Nastassja Muchin so she stops asking me if she can be in the Chode Picks.  You’re welcome. 

This week’s edition of the Chode Picks was brought to you by One Wipe Charlie Buttwipes.  Yeah bitch, buttwipes.  It’s the 21^st century.  Time to stop cleaning your ass like a caveman.  Check out the link.  Trust me.  You’ll be glad you did.

- Chode Out