Chode Picks – Week 11

And we’re back.  Coming to you LIVE from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to a special post-exam edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s been over 72 hours since I completed my third round of exams this semester, and I’m sorry to say I’ve neglected doing any writing until now.  I would apologize, but naturally I have excuses instead.  You see, for most of the past week, I came down with a nasty case of a debilitating disease commonly known as “the sobers”.  The good news is, I had my favorite antidote ready on Tuesday afternoon; a solid thee day binge drinking spree.  The bad news however, is that my cure kept me from doing anything productive whatsoever during that time, including writing your favorite blog.  Fortunately, I think at this point I’ve finally cleared any trace of sobriety from my circulation, thanks to a few gallons of delicious craft beer from the Great Dane brewpub in Madison.  This led to one glorious moment Thursday night where my hand-eye coordination abandoned me and I lost two games of darts against a girl who couldn’t have been more than five feet tall.  That was when I knew Chode was truly back in business.  And guys, with a Badger gameday on the horizon and no real responsibilities this weekend, it feels fantastic.  So without further delay, let’s get to the Picks.  First up…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (5-4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (3-6)

Damn it.  We’re less than two weeks into the Scott Tolzein experiment and I already hate it.  I can’t tell you why Mike McCarthy has so much confidence in this guy, because I went to the game last week, and somehow he looked even worse in person than on TV.  Trust me.  If Philadelphia’s secondary was even halfway decent, they would have had at least four interceptions instead of two.  At this point, our only hope is that somehow Eli Manning will somehow out-suck whatever pathetic excuse for a quarterback we put on the field Sunday afternoon.  And call me biased, but I’m really disappointed we didn’t give Tebow a tryout.  I don’t see how he can possibly be any worse than Tolzein.  Here’s hoping Scotty pulls his groin on the first drive and Matt Flynn comes in to save the day.  By the way, what the hell, Seneca Wallace?  You couldn’t even last a full quarter against the Eagles?  Fuck you.  Aaron Rodgers spends his ENTIRE OFFSEASON getting his groin pulled!  This is depressing.  Let’s move on.

GREEN BAY by six

INDIANA HOOSIERS (4-5) at #22 WISCONSIN BADGERS (7-2*)

Ah, much better.  If there’s one thing I’m certain of this week, it’s that the Badgers are going to light up the scoreboard tomorrow against Indiana.  Over the past three years, we’ve scored 204 points on these miserable bastards.  Two-hundred and four.  That’s nearly 70 points a game, including an 83-20 ass-kicking in 2010 when career backup Nate Tice ran for a score.  Nate fucking Tice.  Also known as “the guy who threw an interception to Alex Quilling in high school”.  Sure, it was a 7-on-7 passing tournament, but that’s besides the point.  The point is, we’re gonna drop at least 60 on the helpless Hoosiers again tomorrow.  I’d be more worried if we were lining up against the Indiana Pacers’ defense.  At least Roy Hibbert can knock a ball down every now and then.  Expect Joel Stave to throw for 200 yards, and Melvin Gordon to run for more than that.  Unless Coach Anderson gets really smart and puts Abbrederis at quarterback.  Then we’d probably break the scoreboard. 

WISCONSIN by 35

Editor’s note: I wrote the previous paragraph before the Badger game on Saturday.  As it turns out, I lowballed it.  Should have picked Wisconsin by 45 instead.  James White for Heisman?

#3 OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (9-0) at ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI (3-6)

There’s something I need to get off my chest: I like Urban Meyer.  Yes, I know he coaches our mortal enemy, the Ohio State Buckeyes.  And if I had my choice, I’d love to see his team lose every game for then next few years.  But if I’m being completely honest, I have to say that I have nothing but respect for the guy.  He’s confident but classy, he defends the Big Ten at every turn, and he’s one hell of a recruiter.  Basically, he’s the polar opposite of Bret Bielema.  So that makes me feel a little less awful about rooting for the Buckeyes the rest of the way.  If they somehow sneak into the BCS championship game, nobody outside of Columbus will be rooting for them more than me.  I know Wisconsin is still Robin to Ohio State’s Batman in the Midwest, but I’m much happier about being second to Urban Meyer’s Buckeyes than say, Brady Hoke’s Wolverines or Bo Pelini’s Huskers.  If gambling were legal, I’d bet a trillion dollars on OSU to cover the spread here.

OHIO STATE by infinity

#2 OREGON DUCKS (8-0) at #5 STANFORD CARDINAL (7-1)

Just kidding.  This game already happened.  But I’m really glad I didn’t bet on it, because I definitely would have taken the Ducks.

STANFORD by 6

MONSTARS (0-1) at TUNE SQUAD (1-0)

If you haven’t seen “Space Jam”, feel free to skip this paragraph.  And shame on you.  For the rest of us ‘90s kids, we all remember what was probably the worst basketball movie ever made.  Michael Jordan’s second-biggest failure is now 18 years old, and it still bothers me.  Some people say that technology, fast food and instant gratification have ruined the newest group of college athletes.  I say that’s bullshit.  It was this move that ruined our generation.  More specifically, the lack of any effort put into defense or rebounding shown by Jordan and his crew.  The record still shows that the Tune Squad allowed a ridiculous 154 points per 100 possessions and let the Monstars shoot an equally absurd 110% true shooting percentage.  Yet somehow, they managed to pull out a victory by shooting 39-for-39 from the field, all of which came from inside the three-point line, except for Jordan’s game-winning half court dunk at the end (he traveled, by the way).  Also, official Marvin the Martian made an egregious scorekeeping error by awarding the Tune Squad ten free points in the fourth quarter without any time elapsing from the game clock.  So to make a long story short, the Tune Squad was one of the worst basketball teams ever to walk the face of the Earth, and the Monstars got robbed.  And yes, I took the time to calculate the true shooting percentage of a cartoon team.  Unfortunately, the more realistic sequel “Space Jam 2” was never sent to cinema due to LeBron James’ team-first, defensively sound performance, which led to a boring, thirty-point victory by the Looney Tunes.

MONSTARS 77, TUNE SQUAD 65 (the real score)

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there.  I do that sometimes.  Time for an update on the Chode Points.  Sam MacDonald wins 15 points for being the first one to shotgun a Rolling Rock silo last weekend.  That puts him atop the standings this week with that dickhead who picked the Bears two weeks ago.

Sam MacDonald and Dan Jensen: 25 pts

Zach Niemeyer: 20 pts

Ben King: 15 pts

Nate, Megan, Eric and Bianca: 10 pts

As for NovemBeer, I’m at 45 for the month, and I expect to put down ten to fifteen tomorrow for the Badger game.  Once again, let me know if you’re ahead of me, and we’ll all try to pretend that Nate isn’t going to win in a landslide anyways. 

For this week, we’re going to do something stupid because I’m tired and I don’t have the energy to think of anything brilliant.  So I’m going to flip a coin, and you’re going to post either “heads” or “tails” in the comments below.  Everyone who gets it right wins 10 Chode Points.

BALTIMORE RAISINS (4-5) AT CHICAGO BEARS (5-4)

I told you so, Chicago.  You can hurt our all-world quarterback and possibly end out season, but there’s no way in hell that makes you a contender.  You’re not making the playoffs either.  And when Rodgers is back for week 17, you can bet your stupid silver bean that he’s ending your season if you’re not out of it already.  Hey, at least Derrick Rose looks like an MVP again.  Oh wait, he’s hurt.  Again.  And he always will be.  He’ll be the only MVP to not make the hall of fame.  Embarrassing.  Go Raisins.

BALTIMORE by 7

FANTASY FOOTBALL: MAX GEHRMAN FARTS CONDOMS (7-3) vs BULBO SPONGI-AWESOME (4-6)

See what I did there?  I implied that Max is a gay.  Ha.  I’m hilarious.  Unfortunately, this is what my fantasy season has been reduced to: making personal attacks via my team name every week.  Mainly because my team can’t seem to stay healthy and Tom Brady is having his worst season in over a decade.  Never trust a Michigan man.  Unless that man is Charles Woodson.  Regardless, I think Gehrman is going down like a twelve-year old Vietnamese prostitute.

MAX GEHRMAN FARTS CONDOMS by 11

Drinking rum at 8:00 AM doesn’t make you an alcoholic, it makes you a pirate.

- Chode Out