And we’re back!
Another week, another glorious edition of the Chode Picks for your
reading pleasure. It’s been eight days
since we last met, and as you might recall, I was in kind of a shitty mood last
week due to the combined failures of the Badgers in the Rose Bowl and the
Packers in their week 17 game.
Fortunately, my boy Aaron and his brothers did more than enough to get
me out of my funk by winning their way to a date with San Francisco tonight
after beating the hell out those purple jackasses from Minnesota. Hold on a second. I want to savor this…
THE VIKINGS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE VIKINGS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! JOE WEBB’S ARM IS MADE OUT OF COOKED
SPAGHETTI!! CHARLES WOODSON IS
BACK!! DUJUAN HARRIS HAD MORE YARDS THAN
ADRIAN PETERSON!! AARON RODGERS IS
KEYSER SOZE!! MINNESOTA, CHICAGO AND NEW
YORK HAVE ALL BEEN ELIMINATED!! UP
YOURS, MINNEAPOLIS!! YABBA DABBA DOO!!
Whew. Hold on a
second, I need to go change my pants.
Alright, we’re good.
I’m assuming that you all watched the fantastic performance that Green
Bay put on last weekend (and if you didn’t, get the hell out of here, right
now), so there’s really no need for me to state the obvious, but I’m going to
anyways because it makes me smile: I was completely right about the MVP. If that game didn’t prove how much more
valuable a good quarterback is than any running back, I don’t know what will. Consider that despite having one of the
greatest running backs of all time, the Vikings only managed ten points (seven
of them coming in garbage time), mostly because the guy behind center didn’t
have the ability to throw deep. Or
short. You know your franchise is in
trouble when your fans are saying things like “I really wish Christian Ponder
was playing tonight in Lambeau”.
Brutal. On the other hand, the
silver lining for Viking fans is that eventually Joe Webb is going to perfect
that bounce pass and become unstoppable in the Canadian Football League (which
is where the team will end up when their stadium deal falls through
again). By the way, those of you that I
sent mocking texts to after the game, you’re welcome. You should feel honored that I took time out
of my victory celebrations to taunt you.
Sucks to suck.
Anyways, I’ll get to the Packer-49er game in a minute, but I
want to tell you about the other reasons that it’s been a great week. First and foremost, I finally got the hell
out of Western Wisconsin and came back to the greatest city in the world,
Madison, WI (Sorry, Mom and Dad. It’s
nothing against you). Secondly, you
probably didn’t notice, but I went a perfect 4-for-4 on my wildcard picks last
week, which means if you bet on the games like I told you to, you probably owe
me a beer or two. You’re welcome. Last but not least, I discovered a very
profitable hidden talent that will serve me well for the rest of my life:
roulette. You see, on the way back to
Madison from Menomonie last Sunday, I stopped in at one of our state’s fabulous
Indian casinos to kill time while my brother checked out a wedding convention
(Yes, he’s getting married. Don’t ask me
why.) In less than half an hour of
gaming, I made a tidy profit of $20 on an investment of just $5. Now if my math is correct, that comes out to
approximately $40 an hour, which in a 40-hour work week translates to $80,000 a
year, TAX-FREE! I think I’ve found my
calling. So, effective immediately, I’m
quitting this whole “med school” thing to become a professional gambler and
magician. Wish me luck.
Alright, time to get to the picks. I would apologize for being late this week,
but I’ve been a little distracted for the past couple of days. I’m not sorry. Also, I finished this entire edition in less
than an hour and a half. Pretty damn
proud of it.
AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE:
BALTIMORE RAVENS (11-6) at DENVER BRONCOS (13-3)
This is kind of cheating since the game has already started
and Denver is up by 7, but let’s be honest; nobody was picking the Ravens
anyways. It’s nice that they could get a
win last week for Ray Lewis’s last home game, but we all know that the Broncos
are the much better…. Holy shit.
Baltimore just scored on a bomb to Torrey Smith. Hold the phone, we might have a game
here. Still though, I’m picking Denver,
if only because the thought of a Peyton Manning-Tom Brady AFC championship is
too compelling to resist. The only thing
I’d love more would be watching Aaron Rodgers lead us to a Super Bowl win over
Manning’s Broncos, just to prove that he would have succeeded where Brett Favre
failed and led us to a title over Elway’s Broncos in 1998.
Broncos by 6
HOUSTON TEXANS (13-4) at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (12-4)
Remember what I said about the Manning-Brady matchup in the
previous paragraph? Forget it. I just remembered that I picked Houston to
make the Super Bowl last week, so now I’m stuck with the Texans. Damn it.
This is what happens when I drink a fifth of Canadian whiskey before I
start writing. Here’s hoping Watt and
company can do to Tom Brady what the Seahawks did to RG3 last week.
Texans by 4
Wow, Baltimore just scored again. And… hold on, am I reading this correctly? Peyton Manning threw a pick-six!?!? What the hell is going on???
NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE:
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (12-5) at ATLANTA FALCONS (13-3)
Somehow, incredibly the Falcons are only favored by 2.5
points in this game, despite having a week of rest, the most impressive regular
season in the NFC, and playing against a rookie quarterback at home. Too easy.
I know everyone here at UW wants Russell Wilson to keep winning, but the
truth is, Matt Ryan is better. Don’t be
an idiot. Just bet on Atlanta, take the free money and thank me later. And regardless of who wins this game, either
the Packers or 49ers are going to the Super Bowl instead anyways.
Falcons by 10
GREEN BAY PACKERS (12-5) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (11-4-1)
Yes. I’ve been waiting
for this game all week. It makes me
giggle, thinking about all of the dirty things Rodgers is going to do to the
Niners’ secondary. I know he’s been
waiting for this matchup ever since San Francisco passed on him with the #1
pick in the 2005 draft. The real
question is, how many “eff-you” touchdowns does he throw tonight? Four?
Five? Six? Colin Has-no-dick and his merry band of
jackoffs over at Candlestick Park have approximately the same chance as a
snowball in a cagefight against Mike Tyson in hell. For the past two decades, the Packers have
been consistent winners, while the 49ers have been losers. Don’t expect that to change tonight.
Aaron be nimble, Aaron be quick, Aaron tears up Candlestick.
(thanks Brandon)
Packers by 14
Damn it, it is January 12th, WHY DOES CHRISTMAS
MUSIC STILL COME UP ON MY SPOTIFY RADIO??
I’d like to take a moment to congratulate the new kings of
college football, who put on a dominating display last week on their way to a
national championship. No, I’m not
talking about Alabama. Or Ohio
State. Notre Dame? Get the fuck out. I’m talking about the REAL college football
champions, the North Dakota State Bison, who captured their second FCS title in
a row last Saturday. For those of you
who aren’t up on your college football, the FCS is the division that actually
has a playoff. Unfortunately for NDSU
though, their victory celebrations were tempered by the stark reality that they
had to go back and live in North Dakota afterwards. Sioux Suck.
As for Alabama and Notre Dame, I’m glad we can all finally
stop pretending that the Fighting Irish deserved to be in the title game. There was a moment after Alabama went up by
28 when I legitimately wondered if Notre Dame would be the first team to drop
from #1 to unranked after their bowl game.
Sorry, Kenne. I like Rudy too,
but let’s be realistic; they would have finished fourth or fifth in the
SEC. Also, the nickname “Fighting
Irish”, in addition to being completely racist, doesn’t make sense when you
realize that the University of Notre Dame is named after a church IN
FRANCE. Hey, speaking of France…
Lance Armstrong cheated.
Son of a bitch, I wanted to believe in him. Whatever, he’s still a hero. I feel like if you beat cancer, you should be
allowed to cheat a little bit.
LiveStrong.
Our quote of the week, from the reigning NFL MVP, comes from
back in 2005 after the 1st round of the NFL Draft…
Reporter: Aaron, how disappointed are you that you will not
be a 49er?
Rodgers: Not as disappointed as the 49ers will be that they
didn’t draft me.
- Chode Out.
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