Welcome back everyone, to a SECOND championship edition of
the Chode Picks!! Did you miss me? Probably not.
That’s okay. I’m kind of
embarrassed that it took me this long to get another column out anyways. You see, for the past week and a half I’ve
been busy celebrating about a certain team from Florida winning their second
title in as many years, and I haven’t had much time in between to write. But I’ll get to them later. First, time to clean house around the state
of Wisconsin. Somehow, I forgot to write
about Ryan Braun last time.
Unfortunately, I don’t think the PED accusations will be going away
anytime soon, and to be honest, I really don’t give a damn. If he did use them, fine. Just about everyone in baseball is cheating
one way or another. Just let him serve
his suspension this year while the Brewers are already shitty. Also, good to see that the hot dog finally
won the sausage race. About damn
time. We can’t let bratwurst, chorizo
and Italian sausage get all the glory.
This is America, after all.
Speaking of great American products, this week’s edition of the Chode
Picks is brought to you by Old Milwaukee, America’s best tasting beer.
As long as we’re on the topic of Wisconsin teams, I need to
briefly address the season-opening football game that the Badgers scheduled in 2016
against LSU. Stupid, stupid,
stupid. We’re going to lose. That is all.
Maybe if we’re lucky we can trick a few of their players into getting on
the wrong bus afterwards.
Well, I suppose I better get this out of the way as soon as possible so I can start pretending it never happened; the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. In doing so, they put me in the rare position of being forced to eat my words. You see, back in the spring when the Miami Heat were in the midst of their historic 27-game winning streak and the Blackhawks were cruising through their considerably less impressive 24-game point streak, I used to end all arguments about which team was better by saying “The Heat are going to win a championship this season, and the Blackhawks aren’t. Also, the Bears suck.” Whoops. Although I was certainly correct about the Bears’ sucking, it appears I overestimated the rest of the NHL’s ability to stop Pat Kane and his merry band of douchebags from making another title run. So congratulations, Shitcago. You’re the best at the sport nobody cares about. Try not to put too many bullet holes in the Stanley Cup while you parade it around your awful city.
Well, I suppose I better get this out of the way as soon as possible so I can start pretending it never happened; the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup. In doing so, they put me in the rare position of being forced to eat my words. You see, back in the spring when the Miami Heat were in the midst of their historic 27-game winning streak and the Blackhawks were cruising through their considerably less impressive 24-game point streak, I used to end all arguments about which team was better by saying “The Heat are going to win a championship this season, and the Blackhawks aren’t. Also, the Bears suck.” Whoops. Although I was certainly correct about the Bears’ sucking, it appears I overestimated the rest of the NHL’s ability to stop Pat Kane and his merry band of douchebags from making another title run. So congratulations, Shitcago. You’re the best at the sport nobody cares about. Try not to put too many bullet holes in the Stanley Cup while you parade it around your awful city.
By the way, if you find yourself struggling to stay awake
during hockey games, try pretending that they’re fighting over the world’s last
Oreo. It works for me, anyways.
So now that hockey’s over, we can get to the Greatest Series
of All Time. I know most of you watched
it because you all repeatedly sent me insulting text messages and snapchats
after every Miami loss. Good job, good
effort. I hope it was fun. Because now that the smoke has cleared, the
confetti has settled onto the floor at American Airlines Arena and I’m sober
enough to articulate my thoughts into sentences, it’s time for you all to stop
with your amateur Skip Bayless impersonations and kiss the ring(s). America’s enemies, the Miami Heat, are once
again atop the basketball world. Hold on
a second. I want to savor this…
THE SPURS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE SPURS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THIS NEVER GETS OLD!! TONY PARKER HAS LOVE HANDLES!! BORIS DIAW HAS MAN-BOOBS!! REMEMBER THE ALAMO?? NOW THAT WASN’T THE ONLY TIME SAN ANTONIO WAS CONQURERED BY A CITY FULL OF HISPANICS!! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE SPURS WON BACK TO BACK TITLES?? ME NEITHER!! CHRIS ANDERSEN HAS MORE RINGS THAN CHARLES BARKLEY!! KNEEL BEFORE KING JAMES!! THE LEBRONCORE IS COMPLETE!! HE’S NEVER, EVER LEAVING MIAMI!! EAT A DICK, MICHELLE BEADLE!!
THE SPURS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE SPURS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THIS NEVER GETS OLD!! TONY PARKER HAS LOVE HANDLES!! BORIS DIAW HAS MAN-BOOBS!! REMEMBER THE ALAMO?? NOW THAT WASN’T THE ONLY TIME SAN ANTONIO WAS CONQURERED BY A CITY FULL OF HISPANICS!! DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE SPURS WON BACK TO BACK TITLES?? ME NEITHER!! CHRIS ANDERSEN HAS MORE RINGS THAN CHARLES BARKLEY!! KNEEL BEFORE KING JAMES!! THE LEBRONCORE IS COMPLETE!! HE’S NEVER, EVER LEAVING MIAMI!! EAT A DICK, MICHELLE BEADLE!!
First of all, let me take a minute to do something I don’t
think I’ve ever done in the Chode Picks before: congratulate an opponent. Before the series began I was convinced that
I would gradually develop a deep, seething hatred for the San Antonio Spurs,
because that’s what always seems to happen when I watch somebody play the Heat
well. Surprisingly though, that never
happened and I actually felt a tiny kernel of pity for poor Tim Duncan as he
walked off the court after game 7. I
suppose this has something to do with how classy and respectful these two teams
were throughout the series, even as they pushed each other to their respective
limits on the court. It was refreshing
to see an intensely competitive series devoid of cheap shots, trash-talking and
the general douchebaggery that you get from a series with Chicago, Boston or
Indiana. The Spurs should be very proud
of a fantastic season that looked like it would certainly end with another
championship. Until you know, they knocked
LeBron’s headband off, inadvertently turning him into the Terminator, and
choked in hilarious fashion losing two games in a row for the first time since
2012. By the way, I’m gonna go ahead and
state the obvious here: LeBron’s Headband Game was far superior to Jordan’s Flu
Game. Especially considering Michael
didn’t actually have the flu. He had
gastroenteritis, which is much easier to play with. Trust me, I’m a doctor. But regardless about how great the Spurs are,
this series was never about them. Aside
from a few parts of Texas and Florida, the entire country was watching for one
reason and one reason only: to see the Heat lose. And lose they did, three times in five games
to be exact, as Danny Green lit the nets on fire and Tim Duncan turned the
clock back a decade. But in game six,
with the Heat’s season, legacy and championship blueprint hanging in the
balance, LeBron James happened. Unlike
in 2010 when he shrunk from the moment against another team from Texas, he put
his head down and drove to the basket over and over, breaking the Spurs’
defense and bringing his team back from a double-digit deficit to within three
points with half a minute left. Then,
with the entire nation holding its breath and South Florida swaying on the edge
of insanity, Ray Allen made the greatest play in his hall-of-fame career. BALLS.
GAME OVER. SERIES OVER. Honestly, from the moment Allen made that
shot to send game six to overtime, there was absolutely no doubt that the Heat
were going to slam San Antonio’s title window shut. The best part about that play? Before it happened, arena workers were roping
off the court for what they assumed was going to be a Spurs title
celebration. After hitting the shot,
Allen turned to the nearest official and screamed “GET THOSE MOTHERFUCKING
ROPES OUT OF HERE!!”. Well said, Ray.
Of course, in game seven the series came to it’s obvious
conclusion with Miami’s big three of James, Wade and Battier driving a stake
into the heart of America’s new darlings.
To be fair, the Spurs actually played the best possible defense against
LeBron, laying off of him and forcing him to take open jump shots. But unfortunately for them, this isn’t 2007,
LeBron now has a consistent midrange stroke, and he was more than happy to
punish them with it. You might say that
he repeatedly made the right… Decision.
Boom. Eat me.
So the 2013 NBA season ends with the Miami Heat collecting their third title in 25 years of existence. At their current pace this decade, the Heat are on track to become the new Lakers, a wildly successful team in a beautiful coastal city that everyone wants to play for. Vegas has already placed them as favorites to three-peat and win the title again next season. By the way, did you know Pat Riley actually has a trademark on the term “three-peat”? Seriously. He donates all of the money he gets from it to charity every year. Also, LeBron is now on track to match his famous “not five, not six, not seven” prediction. Damn right. Now that doesn’t sound like a joke anymore, does it? Now it sounds like a motherfucking THREAT! (credit Dan Lebatard). More importantly, LeBron just spent eight months proving what I’ve been saying for over a year now; that he’s the best player of all time. Yeah, we’re going there. Keep in mind, there’s an important difference between “best” and “greatest”. Either Bill Russell or Michael Jordan will remain the greatest player of all time until LeBron’s career proves otherwise, but the point I’m trying to make is that right now, LeBron is better than MJ or anyone else was in their prime. If you were picking one player from all of history to play basketball against the Klingons for the fate of the universe, you would either pick LeBron James or you would be wrong. And that’s why he’ll never star in “Space Jam 2” (Space James?). Because the Tune Squad would win by 30 and it would be boring as hell. And that, my friends, is why I will never buy a pair of Air Jordans. Eat me, Michael.
So now that San Antionio has been conquered, who are you all going to root for? The Harlem Globetrotters? CSKA Moscow? The Spanish national team? Honestly, I’m curious. I’ve grown so accustomed to seeing everyone jump from one team to the next, first rooting for the Bulls, then the Pacers and finally the Spurs, that frankly I’m worried about you. You have become what us Heat backers have often been labeled: bandwagon fans. Luckily, there are still a few decent people watching the NBA, those of us with enough balls to stick with one team no matter what. And you know what? Most of us are Miami fans. Collectively, we make up for your lack of moral integrity. You’re welcome.
So the 2013 NBA season ends with the Miami Heat collecting their third title in 25 years of existence. At their current pace this decade, the Heat are on track to become the new Lakers, a wildly successful team in a beautiful coastal city that everyone wants to play for. Vegas has already placed them as favorites to three-peat and win the title again next season. By the way, did you know Pat Riley actually has a trademark on the term “three-peat”? Seriously. He donates all of the money he gets from it to charity every year. Also, LeBron is now on track to match his famous “not five, not six, not seven” prediction. Damn right. Now that doesn’t sound like a joke anymore, does it? Now it sounds like a motherfucking THREAT! (credit Dan Lebatard). More importantly, LeBron just spent eight months proving what I’ve been saying for over a year now; that he’s the best player of all time. Yeah, we’re going there. Keep in mind, there’s an important difference between “best” and “greatest”. Either Bill Russell or Michael Jordan will remain the greatest player of all time until LeBron’s career proves otherwise, but the point I’m trying to make is that right now, LeBron is better than MJ or anyone else was in their prime. If you were picking one player from all of history to play basketball against the Klingons for the fate of the universe, you would either pick LeBron James or you would be wrong. And that’s why he’ll never star in “Space Jam 2” (Space James?). Because the Tune Squad would win by 30 and it would be boring as hell. And that, my friends, is why I will never buy a pair of Air Jordans. Eat me, Michael.
So now that San Antionio has been conquered, who are you all going to root for? The Harlem Globetrotters? CSKA Moscow? The Spanish national team? Honestly, I’m curious. I’ve grown so accustomed to seeing everyone jump from one team to the next, first rooting for the Bulls, then the Pacers and finally the Spurs, that frankly I’m worried about you. You have become what us Heat backers have often been labeled: bandwagon fans. Luckily, there are still a few decent people watching the NBA, those of us with enough balls to stick with one team no matter what. And you know what? Most of us are Miami fans. Collectively, we make up for your lack of moral integrity. You’re welcome.
In other NBA news, the most entertaining draft in the
history of the league was on TV Thursday.
I hope you didn’t miss it.
Starting with a hilariously bad #1 pick, followed by crazy trades,
awesome haircuts, great interviews by Shane Battier and the incomparable David
Stern, it truly was something to behold.
In a million years, I never thought I would say this, but I’m really
gonna miss Stern when he retires next year.
If you think the boos Roger Goodell gets at the NFL Draft are loud, you
should hear how the fans were giving it to Stern on Thursday. Unlike Goodell though, he embraces it. Walking up to the podium amidst thunderous
jeers to announce the second pick of the draft, Stern calmly took the mike and
told the crowd “I can’t hear you”. He
then proceeded to turn his ear and wave for more hateful noise with every pick
afterwards. It was beautiful. And when the first round came to its
conclusion and he came out to deliver the last draft pick of his career, the
crowd responded with a standing ovation, to which Stern replied “stop it,
you’re taking all the fun out of this”.
He then introduced the new commissioner Adam Silver, who was immediately
booed vociferously. I’ve said it before
and I’ll say it again; the NBA connects with its fans like no other league in
America, and if you’re not one of them, you’re missing out. Yes, I know this article made no sense to
most of you. I wrote it for myself. It’s my blog.
Eat me.
By the way, congratulations to the Boston Celtics for
managing to get rid of Ray Allen, Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Doc Rivers in
less than a year. Goodbye, playoff games
at the TD Garden. Hello, tanking for
Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker (Wank for Wiggins? Park for Parker? Just lose for Jabari?). Anyways, it’ll be interesting to see how good
the Clippers can be with Doc Rivers coaching.
But don’t let him fool you. He’s
not a doctor. Or a river. The Clippers’ coach is living a lie.
Speaking of Boston, I hear the Patriots Pro Shop has some
killer deals on Aaron Hernandez jerseys right now.
Finally, the world-famous Beer Bracket has reached its
conclusion. The title game pits #1 seeds
Capital Island Wheat from the Wisconsin regional against fellow #1 seed Bell’s
Oberon from the domestic regional. Both
are fantastic beers, so I assumed there was no way you all could possibly screw
this up. But I just counted up the
votes, and lo and behold, you found a way to screw it up. Island Wheat and Oberon are locked at a 5-5
tie. Way to go. Trusting you all with the Beer Bracket was
the second-worst mistake I made this year, only behind forgetting to include
Hoegaarden in the bracket. By the way,
Hoegaarden totally would have kicked ass.
It might be my new favorite beer.
You know what? Fuck you all. Hoegaarden wins the Beer Bracket. HOORAY!!
Before we wrap it up here, I feel obligated to update you on
the scoreboard over the past few years.
Since 2010, the Packers have won one Super Bowl and two NFC North
division titles, the Miami Heat have won three Eastern Conference championships
and two NBA titles, the Wisconsin Badger football team has won three Big Ten
Championships, and the Wisconsin Badger basketball team… whoops. Let’s not talk about them. Anyways, the point is, MY LIFE IS AWESOME!
A few more thoughts before I call it a season:
A few more thoughts before I call it a season:
-
We were thirty seconds and one missed shot away
from Danny Green being named NBA Finals MVP.
Think about that for a minute.
-
Judging from Dwyane Wade’s Twitter account and
his new insistence that reporters call him “Three”, I think he’s been drunk
since last Thursday night.
-
I want to let you all know that I plan on coming
back to write the Chode Picks next fall as well. Second year of med school is supposed to be
the hardest, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some silly M.D. degree come
between me and the Chode Picks. Then
after the Packers win the Super Bowl next February, I’ll retire and ride off
into the sunset and you can all tell your kids about the Chode Picks
someday.
-
Lastly, I have a favor to ask you all. I need you to open this video,
set your computer on full screen and turn the volume all the way up. In return, I’ll relay to you an important
life lesson I learned today: never rub your eyes after eating fresh jalapenos.
Until this fall…
- Chode Out.
- Chode Out.
