………. sssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………
Do you hear it?
Listen closely, my friends. Turn
your ears to the east and west. That’s
the eastern conference, laid to rest once again. That’s Brandon Jennings, he of the “we’re
gonna win in six” prediction. That’s
Joakim Noah, who said “we’re not afraid of Miami” and “they’re Hollywood as
hell”. That’s Tom Thibodeau, silently
trying to remember how his roster of contenders fell apart once again this
season. That’s Roy Hibbert, no longer
spewing profanities and slurs in postgame conferences. That’s Tyler Hansbrough, hiding in a corner
to keep the Birdman from finding him in a dark alley. That’s David West plotting his next
free-agent contract. That’s Frank Vogel,
no longer accusing his opponents of flopping because he knows his team isn’t
good enough to beat them anyways. That’s
Carmelo Anthony snorting lines of cocaine that would put Whitney Houston to
shame. That’s Mikhail Prokhorov deciding
which men on his roster will be executed this offseason. That’s Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce slipping
quietly into retirement. That’s Kevin
Durant, sobbing and watching highlights of the 2012 Western Conference Finals
on repeat. That’s Dwight Howard plotting
an escape from his second team in two years.
That’s Bill Simmons, Magic Johnson, Skip Bayless and every other media
pundit who declared that the Pacers would advance to the NBA Finals for the
first time in almost three decades.
That’s Paul George, silent because he realizes he was beaten fair and
square by a smaller, but more skilled man than himself. That’s Lance Stephenson, silent because he
doesn’t know how to read or write.
That’s the glorious sound of America’s collective mouth… closed. Do you know why? Of course you do. It’s because… hold on. Let me savor this for a minute.
THE PACERS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE PACERS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE HEAT HAVE DEFEATED THE EASTERN CONFERENCE
FOR, COUNT ‘EM, THREE YEARS IN A ROW!! THE
LEBRONCORE IS NEARLY COMPLETE!! NOBODY
ELSE STANDS A CHANCE!! TIM DUNCAN IS THIRTY
FREAKIN’ SEVEN YEARS OLD!! FRANK VOGEL
AND GREGG POPOVICH HAVE MALE PATTERN BALDNESS!!
JOHN DILLINGER WAS BORN IN INDIANA, WHICH MEANS BEING KILLED AT
THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD WAS ONLY THE SECOND WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO
HIM!! OVER THE PAST THREE SEASONS, THE
BADGERS HAVE OUTSCORED THE HOOSIERS 204-41 IN FOOTBALL!! FEED ME YOUR TEARS, INDIANA!!!!
Whew. That felt
good. I gotta be honest with all of you,
I enjoy being a Heat fan nearly as much as I enjoy being a Packer fan, for one
simple reason: when the rest of the country is actively rooting for your team
to lose, it makes winning that much sweeter.
And now, as everyone else hops on the Spurs bandwagon, only one team
stands between us and complete dominance of the basketball world. But I’ll get to them in a minute. Time to write about the lesser playoffs of
the National Hockey League.
PITTSBURGH PENGUINS vs BOSTON BRUINS
Well, this is kind of poor timing. But no matter how many times I ask, the NHL
refuses to match the timing of its playoff series to the Chode Picks. So I guess I’ll go ahead and make a pick even
though Boston is up 3-0. Which sucks,
because I really despise Boston sports teams.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice city, but something about Tom
Brady, Bill Belichick, Kevin Garnett and Rajon Rondo just makes me want to hate
the Bruins as well. Oh, and there’s the
Red Sox too. Fuck the Red Sox. You know what? I’m gonna make a genius out of myself at
their expense. Upset special.
Penguins in seven.
Penguins in seven.
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS vs LOS ANGELES KINGS
Let’s be honest here.
We all know who really wins this series: Kings fans, because they don’t
have to go back and live in Chicago after the game. Worst city in the world. Except for maybe Detroit. And Cleveland. And Baghdad.
But you get the point. Hey
speaking of the middle east, The Dictator is on Netflix now. I suggest you watch it. Personally, I thought it was better than
Borat. Unless you’re the easily
offended, politically-correct type. In
that case, I don’t know why you’re still reading the Chode Picks. Anyways, there’s a hockey series going on
between the Blackhawks and the Kings, and unfortunately, Chicago is probably
going to win. I suppose that’s a
consolation prize for the combined suckitude of the Bears, Bulls and Cubs. T-minus two weeks until Pat Kane is snorting
cocaine off of the Stanley Cup. ‘Merica.
Blackhawks in six
In college football news, Ohio State President Gordon Gee
announced his retirement this week, which is a damn shame, because even though
he worked for UW’s public enemy #1, he consistently provided the best quotes in
the Big Ten. Two years ago, when TCU was
picked to go to the Rose Bowl, Gee claimed that the Buckeyes were a better team
because “we don’t play the little sisters of the poor” (and we won’t discuss
what happened in the Rose Bowl that year”.
Then last week when he was asked about the possibility of Notre Dame
joining the Big Ten, he responded by saying “those damn Catholics can’t be trusted”. And when asked about the SEC’s dominance in
college football, he replied with “when the SEC learns how to read and write,
maybe they’ll understand what we’re doing up here”. Bravo, Gordon. In fact, I’d like to personally invite him to
apply for the position of chancellor at UW-Madison. Otherwise, Gordon Gee for President in
2016.
Okay. Time to get to
the final act of the 2012-2013 NBA season, the colossal showdown between the
three kings of South Beach and the three amigos of San Antonio. Time to put the Spurs to rest for good, and
prove wrong all the haters who said a team built around Birdman and Rashard
Lewis would never win an NBA title. Time
for me to spend a few paragraphs converting you all into Heat fans. Maybe.
NBA FINALS: MIAMI HEAT vs SAN ANTONIO SPURS
It’s been a long road, but we’re finally here. Somehow, the overmatched, undersized Miami
Heat found a way to steal four games from the heavily favored Pacers, leaving
them with the unenviable task of taking down the most successful team of the
past two decades in San Antonio. Now, I
know many of you are probably already writing off this underdog Miami squad as
more fodder for the Spurs dynasty, but hear me out. First of all, Tony Parker is French. You don’t really want to see a French dude
beat a bunch of Americans, do you? No,
no you don’t. Secondly, Gregg Popovich
may be a brilliant coach, but he’s ugly.
Ugly, ugly, ugly. Last but not
least, Tim Duncan is too damn old to be here.
He’s been playing since the days of short-shorts. Nobody likes watching dudes play basketball
in short-shorts. I went to the veteran’s
hospital in Madison today and I’m pretty sure I saw him drinking coffee and doing
crossword puzzles. Tim Duncan is so old,
he owes Jesus five dollars. Last but not
least, Cleveland is rooting for the Spurs.
Do you really want to be on the same side as Cleveland? Also, Aaron Rodgers is a Heat fan. So if you’re a fan of Aaron Rodgers, you’re
also a Heat fan. That’s just how it
works. (Unfortunately, Justin Bieber has also recently jumped on the Heat
bandwagon. Let’s all just agree to
pretend like this never happened.) And
since the Heat won last year when I did this, I’m going to break down this
year’s Finals position by position.
POINT GUARD: Tony Parker vs Mario Chalmers
One of these men is creative, thoughtful and
team-oriented. The other is Mario
Chalmers. Tony Parker lives in a world
where the best play is a pass to a wide-open teammate for a layup or
three-pointer, and his coach’s word is gospel.
Mario Chalmers lives in a world where he’s the best player on the court
and it would be irresponsible for him not to shoot the basketball every time it
touches his hands. Mario Chalmers
believes that gameplans are for the weak and incompetent, and unless the
playcall is an isolation for himself, it is to be completely disregarded. Mario Chalmers has no idea Erik Spoelstra
even exists. I fully expect him to be
traded before his contract is up in favor of Norris Cole. But he does play good defense.
ADVANTAGE: SPURS
SHOOTING GUARD: Manu Ginobli vs Dwyane Wade
Well, if it was still 2008, this would be a matchup for the
ages. Unfortunately, injuries have
robbed both of these guys of their customary playmaking skills. Luckily though, I think Wade is in better
shape than Ginobli. I honestly believe
he was sandbagging it for most of the Pacers series and finally kicked it into
gear in game 7 when the Heat needed him.
And I think he’s got enough left in the tank to be the second-best
player on the court for one series.
Ginobli on the other hand, looks like he should be playing pickup ball
at the YMCA. Also, he’s from Argentina,
so it would be borderline treasonous to give the edge to San Antonio here. USA!!
USA!!
ADVANTAGE: HEAT
ADVANTAGE: HEAT
SMALL FORWARD: Kahwi Leonard vs LeBron James
Bahahahahaha. I’m Rick James, bitch. I wish I had more
hands, so I could give Kawhi Leonard four thumbs down. Fuck your couch.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT
ADVANTAGE: HEAT
POWER FORWARD: Udonis Haslem/Shane Battier/Chris Andersen
vs Tiago Splitter/Matt Bonner
Neither of these teams use a true power forward, so I just
listed all of the guys that rotate through on both side. Last year I would have given the edge to the
Spurs here, but the addition of Birdman tilts the scale in favor of Miami. He’s been unreal in the playoffs this
year. It’s gotten to the point where I
don’t know why he’s not starting over Haslem.
On the other hand, I’m almost certain he’s going to get kicked out of at
game for trying to fight Tiago Splitter.
The guy absolutely loses his mind at least once a game. I spent five minutes the other day trying to
think of an NBA player that I would be more afraid to fight, and I came up
empty. And yes, I realize that I would
absolutely hate Chris Andersen if he played for any team other than mine*.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT
CENTER: Tim Duncan vs Chris Bosh
Yes, I know Bosh played terrible last series. Yes, I know Duncan made the Grizzlies’
frontcourt look like a bunch of high school freshmen last series. Duncan is a surefire first-ballot hall of
famer. Bosh may never get there. But I don’t care. At some point, Bosh is going to realize that
he’s nearly a decade younger than Tim, and he’s going to relentlessly attack
the basket and get the old man into foul trouble, just like he did to Roy Hibbert
in game seven. And when that happens,
the Spurs will be cooked. However, until
it gets to that point, San Antonio has the advantage. Also, if the Spurs win this series and Tim
gets his fifth title, he leapfrogs over Kobe and stakes his claim to the title
of 8th-best player of all time (behind Russell, MJ, Kareem, Magic,
Wilt, Bird, Oscar and of course, someday LeBron).
ADVANTAGE: PUSH
COACHING: Gregg Popovich vs Erik Spoelstra
Let’s not talk about it.
This scares the piss out of me.
ADVANTAGE: SPURS
HOME COURT ADVANTAGE: HEAT
Now, before I break the suspense of who I’m picking in the
series (I know you’re all on the edge of your seat), I want to make it clear
that I respect the hell out of the Spurs.
It’s incredible how they’ve managed to be consistently successful for
the past two decades. I’ve never seen
anything like it in my lifetime. Hell,
even the Packers had a couple of down years in the late 2000’s. I legitimately enjoyed watching Duncan and
company anesthetize the Lakers, Warrior and Grizzlies. But I know at some point during game 1
tonight, I am going to develop a deep, deep hatred for all things silver and black. It’s unavoidable. I’m going to want to punch Timmy in his
wrinkled face, and I’ll secretly be hoping Tony Parker cuts the wrong way and
goes down in a crumpled heap at midcourt.
Do you know what this tells me? That
I am an awful person, and I care far too much about sporting events that I have
no control over. Regardless, my pick for
the series comes down to one simple fact: when the Heat are truly motivated,
nobody can stop them. Nobody.
Heat in six.
Three final thoughts before I leave to go watch the Heat
crush the Spurs:
-
Girls, putting a pretty shirt on over a muffin
top does not make it a cupcake.
-
Thanks to all of you who’ve participated in this
year’s Beer Bracket. I’ve been
deliberately voting last on each of the matchups every round because I don’t
want you all to be swayed by my expert opinion, but so far you’ve pretty much
nailed it (NAILED IT!!) anyways. I’m not
sure how we’re going to do the blind taste tests for the final four this year, but
we’re definitely off to a good start, with one exception. Somehow, 16th-seeded Tecate nearly
upset the #1 overall seed Paulaner Hefe-weizen in the first round. What the hell is wrong with you people!? I’m just gonna assume that many of you have
never actually tried Paulaner and voted for Tecate despite the fact that Tecate
tastes like a fat clown’s asshole. So do
yourself a favor and go buy a six-pack of Paulaner this weekend. You won’t regret it.
-
This week’s edition of the Chode Picks was
brought to you by Monster energy drink and Grave’s Grain Alcohol. Follow me on Twitter @chodepicks.
* Ten pushups if you read that out loud
- Chode Out
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