Welcome back friends, on a gorgeous Thursday afternoon to
the second edition of the 2013 NBA Playoff Chode Picks! Finals are over, I’m unemployed for the next
month and America’s Team, the Miami Heat are still rolling through their
Midwest tour of destruction, so I’m here to rock your socks off for four to
five pages of two-fingered typed bullshit.
Hold on tight.
EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: INDIANA PACERS VS MIAMI HEAT
YES! That’s
right. Believe it or not, the gritty,
undermanned Indiana Pacers were able to hang in there against the mighty New
York Knicks and somehow advance to the Eastern Conference Finals. And somehow the other underdog in the conference,
the Miami Heat were able to sustain major injuries to Dwyane Wade, a vicious
home-court advantage for the Bulls, and horribly one-sided refereeing from Joey
Crawford (Oprah voice: You get a technical foul! You get a technical foul!! EVERYONE GETS A TECHNICHAL FOOOOUUL!!!!!),
the shorthanded Heat found a way to steal four games against heavily favored
Chicago.
Hold on a second. Let
me savor this…
THE BULLS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE KNICKS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! NEW YORK, WELCOME TO ANOTHER DECADE OF
IRRELEVANCE!! CHICAGO, WELCOME TO
ANOTHER DECADE OF BEING SECOND-CLASS IN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!! TOM THIBODEAU STILL HAS NO IDEA HOW TO KEEP A
TEAM HEALTHY!! DERRICK ROSE IS THE
HEALTHIEST MAN IN ILLINOIS, BUT HE’S TOO AFRAID TO PLAY AGAINST LEBRON!! HE’S GOING TO BE THE ONLY MVP EVER TO NOT
MAKE THE HALL OF FAME!! JR SMITH WILL
NEVER BE PART OF A REAL CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER!! CARMELO IS A FAT, NON-CLUTCH VERSION OF
DWYANE WADE!! THE MIAMI HEAT ARE ABOUT
TO GO UP THREE TO ZERO ON THE REST OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!!
Bahahaha. One side
effect of a year’s worth of studying for medical school: I’m now convinced that
Joakim Noah is suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome and Tom Thibodeau has
dissecting cellulitis of the scalp with progressive alopecia. Not that it matters, because they now both
have enough free time in the offseason to deal with their issues. Speaking of issues, the Bulls are
fucked. They’ve got approximately half
of their salary cap tied up in Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah,
leaving them with one effective player and almost no money to recruit the
free-agent they’ll need to compete with the Heat over the next five years. Which leaves the title of second-best team in
the East to the Indiana Pacers, who are about to experience the pain and
disappointment that comes with being eliminated one step short of the NBA
Finals. I don’t care how impressive they
looked dispatching the Knicks, the truth is, they’re way too offensively
challenged to threaten my team this year.
I expect this series to be chippy, physical and highly contested… until Miami
decides to shift into full-gear and bury the Pacers under an avalanche of
highlight-reel dunks and three-pointers.
It’s just a matter of time. At
this point, the only drama left in the NBA postseason isn’t which team will
take home the trophy, it’s how many games the Heat will need to claim their
place as one of the greatest teams of all time.
Personally, I don’t think it will be more than eleven. And even though most of the suspense is gone,
trust me when I say that you should still watch the games, because someday your
kids are going to ask you if you got to watch LeBron James, and it would be a
damn shame if you missed it. He’s
playing chess on the NBA’s checkerboard.
The Heat’s dominance over the past two seasons makes me look back on the
2011 playoffs with a mixture of nostalgia and embarrassment, mostly because
Erick Dampier and Mike Bibby were legitimate parts of the rotation at that
point (Sweet Jesus, I forgot about Bibby.
He was actually our starting point guard for half the season. Facepalm).
Anyways, that’s enough about the greatness of my favorite basketball
team for one week. More coming in five
games, I promise.
Also, thank you Frank Vogel for benching your best defender
on the last play in game 1. Not that it
would have mattered anyways. The real
reason Roy Hibbert was on the bench for the closing seconds is, ironically
enough, the same reason that LeBron used to get ripped for “not being clutch”:
his fantastic passing ability. You see,
if Hibbert stays in on that play, he has to leave his man to protect the rim as
LeBron drives to the hoop, and LeBron, as we’ve seen him do so many times in
the past, then hits a teammate for a wide-open shot. It’s the dilemma that he puts on every coach
unfortunate enough to face him in the playoffs, and more often than not, LeBron
wins. And no, I don’t get an erection
when I type “LeBron James”. Not every
time, anyways.
Heat in five.
Halftime. Time to
write about hockey. And since the
Blackhawks are playing the other marquee team from the Midwest, we’ll start off
with Detroit and Chicago.
DETROIT RED WINGS VS CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS
You know what? I can
almost sympathize with Blackhawks fans on this one. Do you know why? It’s because they have a horribly racist
mascot. And for my entire high school
career, I also played for a team with an insensitive, politically-incorrect
moniker: the Menomonie Indians. And as
much of an asshole as I might seem like for typing this, I loved it. I’ll never forget sitting at a girls
basketball game at Menomonie High chanting “Indians! Indians! Scalp ‘em! Scalp em!” Unfortunately, my alma mater’s logo was
changed last year to the Menomonie Mustangs, a much less badass mascot. The lesson as always; the loud, angry
activist group will always get their way, despite your best efforts. And just like the loud, angry activist group,
the Red Wings will get their way in this series. Good Lord, that was a terrible analogy. Bear with me, I haven’t been this drunk since
graduation (Hi, Mom! I love you!). Never chug vodka and Red Bull.
Also, I may have given you all the wrong impression that I
hate every team from Chicago. That’s not
exactly true. I still recognize the 1985
Bears as one of the best teams ever to play in the NFL, and naturally I will
also concede that Michael Jordan was the 2nd-best basketball player
ever to walk the earth. Along the same
lines, I won’t be upset if the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup. It’s not that I like them, I just despise
them less than the Bears, Cubs and White Sox.
But Pat Kane is still a douche, no matter how much I secretly enjoyed
watching him and his friends knock the Wild out of the playoffs at Chasers Bar
and Grill last week. Also, I like that
song that plays when the Blackhawks score (DA DA DUM, DA DA DUM, DA DA DA DA DUM).
Red Wings in six.
Nah. No more
hockey. One series was enough. When one of the Florida teams moves to
Wisconsin, I’ll pay more attention.
WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: MEMPHIS ASS GRIZZLIES VS SAN
ANTONIO ASS SPURS
First of all, let me take a moment to remind you all that I
told you so. I told you that the Spurs
were the best team in the West. You didn’t
listen. I told you that Wardell Stephen
Curry’s (yes, that’s his real name) hot shooting streak wouldn’t last against a
brilliant defensive team like the Spurs.
You still didn’t listen. I told
you that the Grizzlies’ defense would tear apart Oklahoma City like a class 4
tornado (too soon? nope). No
matter. You all watched how Gregg
Popovich’s crew tore apart the vaunted Memphis defense in game 1. And if you’re an astute observer, you
recognized the Grizzlies for what they really are: a healthy version of the
Chicago Bulls. Yes they play great
defense, but in today’s NBA, offense wins championships. And despite the fact that Mike Conley is now
unquestionably a better point guard than Derrick Rose, neither team would have
a chance at winning an NBA title this year.
Don’t get me wrong, I admire Memphis for what they’ve been able to do this
season, knocking out Chris “Point God” Paul and Kevin Durant in consecutive
series, but they have a snowball’s chance in a cage fight against Mike Tyson in
hell of beating San Antonio. And this
series will finally give me what I’ve been waiting for since 2010: a Heat-Spurs
NBA Finals. Yes. You see, as an intelligent basketball fan, I
can’t help but appreciate what San Antonio has done over the past few years,
reinventing themselves around Tony Parker and Tim Duncan as a slash-and-kick
offensive juggernaut that most NBA coaches have wet dreams about, and I can’t
wait to see how they handle the invincible flying death machine that Pat Riley
has assembled in South Beach. But I’m
getting ahead of myself. We still have
five more games to watch Parker and company dispose of America’s darlings, the
Memphis Grizzlies. Game. Blouses.
Spurs in six.
Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers on winning the
NBA’s draft lottery tonight, giving them the chance to draft future All-Star
Nerlens Noel with the first overall pick in June. And congratulations to the Miami Heat for
signing All-Star free agent Nerlens Noel in 2018.
It would be irresponsible of me if I failed to mention the
greatest victory that the Minnesota Vikings have scored in the history of their
sad, pathetic franchise this week: their new stadium plan, which almost assures
that they won’t be forced to move to Los Angeles after all. Touche Minnesota, for roping your sappy
taxpayers into paying for a brand-new “state of the art” venue that looks like
a giant turd. Seriously. I want to be the first one to capitalize on
the obvious nickname for the proposed stadium: the Star Destroyer. As in, it’s a place where football stars go
to die. Like Michael Bennett. And Erasmus James. And Percy Harvin. And Gary Anderson. And Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin
and company (Herschel Walker trade, look it up). And eventually Adrian Peterson. I cannot wait to watch Aaron Rodgers tear it
up in that cursed building for the forseeable future.
Before I wrap it up this week, I need to share with you all
a deep-rooted Madison tradition that I’ve been slacking on until now: the Beer
Bracket. You see, ever since my freshman
year at UW, I’ve put together an annual competition to determine the greatest
beer in the world, March Madness-style.
The contest is resolved by me and my friends voting on head to head
matchups between 68 different beer brands every day until the final four, when
blind taste tests are conducted by the finest of beer connoisseurs (yeah that’s
right, I just spelled “connoisseurs” right on my first try). Anyways, since I’ve been slacking on getting
this year’s edition out, I’m opening it up to all of my readers. From this point on, I will be posting four
different matchups every day on the Chode Picks Facebook group and Twitter
page. There will be four different
regionals: Wisconsin Brews, Domestic Brews, Foreign Brews and Hangover Brews (shitty, cheap college
beers). Anyone and everyone can and is
encouraged to cast their vote. Previous
winners are listed below:
2009: Leinenkugel’s Original
2010: New Glarus Spotted Cow
2011: Capital Brewery Island Wheat
2012: Paulaner Hefe-Weissbier
2013: Your choice
Two last notes: I was told on Sunday that writing a blog is
“not very manly” from a bunch of undergrads.
Bull. Shit. Thanks to Alex Fannin
for defending my honor.
Also, it’s 2013. It’s
no longer acceptable for men to wear suspenders (unless of course, you’re at a
Badger game). Buy a damn belt.
Go Packers, Badgers, Brewers and Heat. God Bless America.
- Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment