Hello again friends, and welcome to week two of the
extraordinary EIGHTH season of the Chode Picks!! Yeah that’s right, despite your repeated
attempts to keep me from writing, I’m back.
So you can take your snotty comments and condescending suggestions that
I should “take my life seriously” and shove them. Then sit down and read for 5-10 minutes,
depending on your literacy level. You’re
welcome.
First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate the winners of
the 2013 NFL Draft: the Green Bay Packers.
If you only watched the first round, you might have gotten the
impression that the St. Louis Rams or Minnesota Vikings won the draft, but I
apologize if you were foolish enough to fall into the trap that Mel Kiper and
Todd McShay set for you. You see, the
Rams made the ill-advised decision to trade two of their later picks so that
they could trade up and take Tavon Austin, a wide receiver two inches shorter
than me (and much less athletic, obviously) instead of making the right choice
by replacing quarterback Sam Bradford with Austin’s more talented teammate,
Geno Smith. Likewise, Minnesota also
passed on their chance to draft a quarterback of the future, instead stocking
up on a couple of defenders and trading up to take another receiver, Cordarelle
Patterson, who fits nicely into the long tradition of supremely talented Viking
receivers who couldn’t catch a cold on Christmas in Duluth. At least they proved me wrong and managed to
avoid wasting a pick on Manti Te’o. They
did however, allow the best player in the draft to fall to the Packers at
number 26 overall, Datone Jones (who will from this point on be referred to as
DA TONESETTER!!). Many thought the Pack
would target a running back with their first round selection, but Ted Thompson
wisely decided to hold off until the end of the second round, and it paid off
in a big way when the best back in the draft was still available, Eddie Lacy. (I
apologize if you’re a fan or friend of Montee Ball. Or if you are Montee Ball. Lacy just happens to be much bigger, faster
and stronger, three things that make him more likely to be a good NFL
player. And sadly, we all know about
Wisconsin’s terrible track record of producing starting-caliber NFL running
backs.) Also, it’s clear now that Minnesota’s
long-term strategy is to keep stockpiling wide receivers, so that when
Christian Ponder overthrows them over the middle and they get decapitated,
they’ll have plenty in reserve. Smart
move.
Next, more congratulations are in order for King James after
he took home his 4th MVP award in five years, an accomplishment
matched only by Bill Russell in NBA history.
LeBron captured 120 of a possible 121 first-place votes, with the only
other vote going to Carmelo Anthony from some asshole in Boston who apparently
stopped watching NBA games six years ago.
LeBron now sits two MVPs short of the all-time record of 6 set by Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar, and I think he’ll pass that mark before he’s done. Simply put, LeBron deserves the MVP every
year. And Defensive Player of the
Year. And Most Improved Player. And Coach of the Year. And Rookie of the Year.
Next up (unfortunately), the NHL playoffs started last
week. But since I’m more interested in
the Kontinental Hockey League (Go CSKA!), we’ll skip to the only series that
matters…
CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS VS MINNESOTA WILD
This is the kind of series that makes me root for the
stadium to collapse on both teams. Kind
of like Ohio State-Michigan or Vikings-Bears.
But I need to congratulate the Blackhawks on their impressive 24-game
winning streak earlier in the season.
Wait, what’s that? They didn’t
win 24 games in a row? They just avoided
losing? Oh alright, well 24 wins or ties
in a row is still pretty damn good. Hold
on a sec. You mean to tell me they actually
LOST three of those games in overtime?
And their longest actual winning streak was only 11? Well then what the hell was the big
deal? Regardless, gotta go with the
Hawks on this one. They’ve been too
impressive all season.
Blackhawks in seven.
Anyways, let’s get to the NBA matchups. I’ve got finals to study for, so I apologize
if this edition is a little short or late in the week. You know, the worst thing about finishing
your first year of medical school is the moment when you realize that if you
had decided to be a pharmacist instead of a real doctor, you’d already be done
with school. Oh well. Wasn’t quite ready to leave this city
anyways.
EASTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:
NEW YORK KNICKS VS INDIANA PACERS
I know it’s cheating to pick these after game 1 is already
over but hey, this is my blog and I get to make the rules. And if that means I was probably going to
take the Knicks until they shit the proverbial bed at home yesterday against
the Pacers, so be it. By the way, take a
guess how much it costs to watch a playoff basketball game in Indiana. I’ll wait.
I checked StubHub for game 5 tickets of the Hawks-Pacers series last
round, and they were going off at the ridiculous price of $3. Yup.
Three fucking dollars. And for
the measly price of $28, you could get yourself lower-level seats. I may be wrong, but I’m guessing Colts
preseason tickets are more expensive than that.
Maybe I’ll luck out, the Pacers will beat the Knicks and I can take a
trip to Indy to watch the Eastern Conference Finals on the cheap.
Pacers in six.
MIAMI HEAT VS CHICAGO BULLS
… damn it.
I had this section all written up Monday afternoon. It was all about how the Heat were going to
cruise their way to another sweep over a depleted Chicago squad. I was going to rip Derrick Rose some more for
not playing, praise LeBron, write some insulting things about Tom Thibodeau and
wrap it all up with an ultra-cocky “Heat in three” prediction. Then game 1 happened.
Bulls. Balls.
Unfortunately for me and the rest of my Heat brethren, Miami
decided to come out and stick with their patented “sleepwalk through the first
three quarters and start trying early in the fourth quarter” gimmick. And while that may have worked just fine against
the Milwaukee Bucks, the Bulls are far too disciplined and well-coached to let
them get away with it. Damn you, Nate
Robinson. So I guess I’ll be completely
honest instead and tell you that it’ll probably take some effort for LeBron and
company to dispatch what is clearly a less talented but more motivated Chicago
team. You know, I’ll even go so far as
to say that the Bulls are one player away from having a chance at beating Miami
and contending for a title. I’ll let you
connect the dots on that one. Remember
that Adidas commercial where Rose sat out and watched his team from the bench
in the playoffs? Me neither.
Anyways, I expect the Heat to come out with a hell of a lot
more urgency in the next few games and win the series anyways. Hopefully this was the wake-up call they
needed to get their asses in gear and play up to their potential instead of
playing down to their opposition.
There’s nothing worse than losing to a team you’re supposed to blow out.
Good God though, I had forgotten how ugly Joakim Noah
is. On his best days, he looks like a
bearded woman on steroids, but last night I think his unattractiveness reached
an all-time high.
The one thing I won’t criticize about the Bulls though, was
Kirk Hinrich’s “cojones” dance in Brooklyn after hitting a dagger three in game
7 of the first round. That was
awesome. I don’t care how much he got
fined for it, it was worth every penny.
And the only thing that will make winning this series more enjoyable is
watching LeBron or Wade do the exact same thing during game six in Chicago after
they sink the winning shot. And if the
Bulls somehow win the series, I will eat my own head. Seriously.
Heat in six.
Quick side note here on an important cultural issue. I’m sure you all heard the news as Jason
Collins came out in an interview with Sports Illustrated titled: The Gay
Athlete, which took me by surprise because I had no idea that Jason Collins was
still considered an athlete.
WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:
SAN ANTIONIO SPURS VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
So, I’m guessing most of you didn’t see the first game of
this series on Monday night. That’s a
shame, because it ended up being probably the most exciting playoff game of the
past five years, going into double overtime before Manu Ginobli hit a
game-winning three for San Antonio. So
if you don’t care all that much about the NBA and just want to watch the most
exciting games for the rest of the playoffs, this is probably the series you
want to stick to. Also, I’d like to take
a moment to remind you all that I picked the Heat and Spurs to make the Finals
way back at the start of the season.
Yeah that’s right, before the Harden trade or Westbrook injury. Sticking by it.
Spurs in six.
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES
Well, that Houston-OKC series was a hell of a lot more
interesting than I thought. Probably not
for the reasons you think though. You
see, I remembered a little game that I heard about and started playing with
myself last year during the playoffs.
It’s simple: you take every team’s mascot name, and add the word “ass”
to the beginning. So the series I went
to watch in Milwaukee would’ve been the Ass Heat vs Ass Bucks. And the overall winner of the first round of
the NBA playoffs? You guessed it,
Oklahoma City and Houston, for giving us the Ass Rockets vs Ass Thunder. My all-time favorite matchup? That comes on Sunday, December 15th
this year when the Ass Packers play the Ass Cowboys in Dallas. Yes, these are the things I think about in
between studying for med school exams.
Grizzlies in seven.
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