Chode Picks – NBA Semifinals

Editor’s note: this is the first editon of the Chode Picks that I’ve written completely hammered (honestly Mom, stop reading now. For your sanity). I apologize for any grammatical errors or strange rants. Bear with me.

Coming to you LIVE from Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the third edition of the NBA/NHL Playoff Chode Picks!! It’s been a long two weeks, with graduation and a full round of NBA/NHL playoffs elapsing since we’ve last met. I’m literally bursting at the balls with creative juices, so let’s get into it. 
First up: “Graduation”. Also known as, the day of your life where the Chancellor hands you your “dipoma”, which is supposed to pay off for all of the hard “work” and “money” that you’ve put in over the past four “years”. Then you get to listen to a graduation ”speech”, in which a few “professors” and “fellow students” tell you how you probably won’t be able to get a “job” afterwards. I’m not going to lie to you, but I stopped listening after the first two sentences of our graduation “speech”, for the following reasons:
1) If there’s one thing I hate in life, it’s listening to “people” tell me that I’m not going to “succeed”. 
2) If there’s another thing that I hate in life, it’s listening to a “professor” tell me how they don’t get enough “compensation” to work at a great “university” such as “The University of Wisconsin”
3) If there’s one more thing that I hate, it’s listening to some dumbass “com-arts” major tell me that we’ve been “screwed” by our previous generations, because…
4) Our grandparents fought in the fucking WORLD WARS that let us live in a country that allows us to live a life of privilege and complain about it today. And…
5) I’m sorry, but if you wasted four years getting a “degree” that’s not going to help you in the rest of your life, it’s your own damn fault. And don’t even get me started on the “Occupy Wall Street” idiots. It’s like they think there’s some asshole in a three-piece suit standing in the top of a high-rise building smoking a Cuban cigar, laughing and raping the Statue of Liberty. You’re protesting against someone who doesn’t exist. If that’s not a recipe for failure, I don’t know what is. Don’t blame your failures on people who are successful.
I’m sorry. I had to get that rant off of my chest. Regardless, it’s time to recap my own experience during UW-Madison’s graduation weekend, or as I like to call it: three of the most awesome days of Chode’s life. Let me explain.
In a cruel twist of fate, my very last exam of my undergraduate career fell on Friday, May 18, the day before my graduation. Now, as you all probably know, Friday follows immediately after Thursday night, which is one of the three great party nights at any college. So I had a bit of a dilemma on my hands. Do I stay home and study on the last Thursday night of my undergraduate career, or do I go get hammered and hope for the best the next day? If you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for long enough, you know the answer to that question already. I woke up at 3:00 PM the next day, with my Physical Chemistry final exam starting in two hours. After chugging a liter of Gatorade and glancing over my notes again, I staggered to Bascom Hall for the final exam of the four-year adventure that I call “college”. During the actual exam, I could barely make sense of the test questions, and flat-out didn’t answer any on the last page because I was just too damn hungover. Afterwards, I did what any other reasonable college senior does after completing their college career: take a few shots, then go out and play drinking games until 7:00 AM the next day. Needless to say, the graduation ceremony at 9:00 was a bit rough. Regardless, I sat their and listened to all of their bullshit until it was my time to cross the stage, at which point I promptly Tebowed before the Chancellor before taking my “diploma” from his old, wrinkled fingers. Later that day, I checked my exam score online, fearing for the worst. If you’ve read the Chode Picks for long enough, you can probably guess the result. Did I get an A? OF COURSE I GOT A FUCKING A!! Up yours, Professor Knowles. Feeling invincible with this knowledge, I felt like treating myself to another 7:00 AM drinking binge (thanks to Garrison Draves for obliging me on both nights). After sleeping until 4:00PM the next day, I realized that with school done, I had no responsibilities until Wednesday, a full 72 hours in the future. Combined with the understanding that my good friends Justin and Kieran were leaving for Europe the next morning, I made the executive decision that staying up and partying until 7:00AM with them until their flight was the best possible option. Yo soy fiesta. Here’s an actual exchange that occurred between and some random girl that happened to be up at 6:00AM outside of my apartment on the second night:

Chode: What’s your name?
Random Girl: Rachel
Chode: Not important. Do you want to stay up and play drinking games until 7:00?
Random Girl: Sure! Let’s play a card game!!
Chode: I don’t have any cards, and I doubt that you’re intelligent enough to count to 14 anyways.
Random Girls: Why not?
Chode: You look like you have fetal alcohol syndrome.
Fetal Alcohol Victim: What’s that? I drink a lot.
Chode: Not surprised.
Fetal Alcohol Victim: Come on, let’s play!
Chode: I’d like to strap you to my face and say the alphabet

She left shortly afterwards. Totally worth it. I’m going to keep using that line until it works. Needless to say, after my three-day drinking spree (which shall be henceforth be referred to as “the Graduation Bender”), I slept for most of the next 24 hours. Also, the three nights after that, I snuck into the Kohl Center, which completed my trifecta of historic UW buildings (Camp Randall, Bascom Hall and the Kohl Center). I even have a UW men’s practice basketball to prove it (know it’s a men’s ball because it’s too big for me to palm it). Anyways, enough with my narcissistic rants. Let’s get to sports. First up, the National Hockey League. You know, that sport full of fat Canadians with three teeth. I’m pretty sure they don’t even aim when they slap that pathetic, weird-shaped ball towards the net. Regardless, I’m contractually obligated to write about them, so here goes.

LOS ANGELES KINGS vs NEW JERSEY DEVILS

The Los Angeles Kings have won 12 games during this postseason, while losing just two. The New Jersey Devils have a 12-5 record during the same span. On paper, this looks like a huge mismatch. To be honest, it probably is. But for the life of me, I cannot pick a team from Los Angeles to win Lord Stanley’s Cup. And besides that, this is Wisconsin, where nobody gives a shit about hockey anyways. So I’m picking the Devils, if only because Ilya Kovalchuk is the best remaining player in the league. Also, I would feel much better about a team from New Jersey (who has never won a championship in any major sport) winning than a team from that awful fucking city from California. Seriously. Los Angeles is probably the most disgusting warm-weather city in the United States. Don’t ever go there, unless you’re flying in to watch the Badgers in the Rose Bowl next year. Which brings me to my next point…

Devils in seven.

Danny O’Brien. Daniel fucking O’Brien. Many of you are probably familiar with the Wisconsin quarterback who transferred from Maryland this offseason, but you might not know that that man is actually the second-most awesome Dan O’Brien in this country. The real DOB is actually an internet comedy writer for the website Cracked.com, and is one of the greatest writers I have ever seen. In case you’ve missed out on his brilliance over the past three years, I’ve attached one of his better articles at the end of this post. Anyways, I couldn’t be more thrilled that the Badger’s starting quarterback next season bears the same name. Ever since he transferred, every pundit on ESPN has been ripping into him, saying that “he’s not the next Russell Wilson”. You know what? They’re right. There will only be one Russell Wilson, ever. And that’s totally fine. Our offense is built for an experienced, accurate pocket passer anyways, which is exactly what DOB brings to the table. I cannot wait for Montee, DOB and company to lead us to a third consecutive Rose Bowl. You heard it here first.

So, who else is excited to see Men In Black III? Anybody? Alright, I guess I’m the only one. Fine. Let’s get to basketball.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

SAN ANTIONIO SPURS vs OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

The Spurs have won 18 games in a row dating back to the regular season. The Thunder have won eight out of nine possible games in the playoffs, with the only loss coming against Kobe and the Lakers, and swept the defending champions in the process (fuck you, Dirk). This is going to be one hell of a series. Youth vs experience. Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook and James Harden’s Beard vs Tony Parker, Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobli. Athleticism and great shooting vs team play and good coaching. A vicious home court advantage in OKC vs …. well, San Antonio. The entire country rooting for the Thunder vs certain parts of Texas rooting for the Spurs. Okay, those matchups kind of fell apart at the end. I’m sorry. But the truth is, as badly as everyone wants to see Kevin Durant win (by the way, he’s not the best player on his team), you never bet against a team on an 18-GAME WINNING STREAK! ESPECIALLY NOT AGAINST A TEAM THAT JUST SWEPT CHRIS “POINT GOD” PAUL’S TEAM! And especially not against a team coached by Greg Popovich. Sorry Thunder Alley, maybe next year. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be rooting for the Thunder in this series, for a few reasons. First because I love the idea of a young team with a ravenous fan base making it to the championship round. Second because I have a massive man-crush on both Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Third because damn it, Oklahoma City reminds me of Green Bay, and I’m a little bit jealous that they’re not my team. Finally, because I want to root for any team that makes Andrew Bynum look like a little bitch. The truth is though, the 2012 Spurs might be one of the greatest NBA teams of all-time. I hate to admit it because they’re boring, but it’s true. 

Spurs in six.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS

MIAMI HEAT vs BOSTON GERIATRICS

Please. The real Eastern Conference finals concluded two nights ago when D-Wade and LeBron finished their evisceration of the second-best team in the East, the Indiana Pacers. Let me take a second to applaud the Pacers for their valiant effort. And let me take another second to punch Frank Vogel in the dick for ordering all of those blatant cheap-shot fouls on LeBron and Wade. In game six, both Danny Granger and David West tried to put hard fouls on LeBron charging into the lane, only to injure themselves in the process and subsequently hand the series to the Heat. Lesson learned: DO NOT FUCK WITH LEBRON AND WADE OR YOU WILL GET UDONIS HASLEM AND DEXTER PITTMAN SMASHING YOUR FACE IN! Luckily, LeBron and Wade long ago learned that they’re both way too valuable to their team to commit a cheap foul and get tossed from a game. The Pacers have yet to learn this lesson. However, Larry Bird’s thugs did accomplish one thing in that horribly one-sided series: they injured Chris Bosh. A lot of fuss has been made about injuries affecting the quality of this season’s playoffs, but it’s clear that Bosh’s abdominal strain has been the single most devastating injury to any team in the league this year. After all, the Heat only beat the Pacers by an average of ten points per game. With Bosh, that could have easily been a 40-point margin. In summary, fuck Indiana. With LeBron and Wade playing the way they are, they won’t need Bosh to dispose of the Celtics anyways. Some critics have publicly wondered if the superstar duo can keep performing at this pace, and unfortunately for the rest of the NBA, the answer is yes, they can. Right now, they’re the best two players on the league, and it’s going to stay that way for at least another series. Deal with it, America. I don’t care what Bill Simmons says (I was going to go off on a rant about his biased website, but then I realized that I have absolutely no right to get angry about someone making outrageous claims on the internet). KG is old, Ray Allen is even older, Paul Pierce is a shell of his former self, and Rondo can’t beat us by himself (crossing fingers).

Heat in six.

Random rant about Skip “I don’t actually watch basketball” Bayless: After the Heat’s game six domination of the Pacers, in which Wade scored 41 and LeBron scored “only” 28, Skip went on to proclaim that LeBron will “always be Robin to Wade’s Batman”. Really, Skip? So LeBron’s 48-18-9 game (one of the greatest playoff performances in NBA HISTORY) four nights earlier didn’t count? Open your damn eyes. The truth is, there is no Batman and Robin dynamic on this team. It’s more like Batman and Superman on the same team. Wade is Batman, and LeBron is Superman (insert your own fourth-quarter kryptonite joke here). Damn. Now I realize why everyone else roots for them to lose. Check out the first link below for more “First Take” madness, starring the one and only Stephen A. Smith.

Also, fuck you Kenne for sending me a mocking “Heat in five” text after they went down 2-1 in the last series. You claimed the Bulls as your team earlier in the year, so deal with the repercussions of your poor decision (Chicago!?!? Really??).

Wow. I just switched from single-spaced to double spaced on Word. Ten pages. That’s more than I’ve written for any paper in my college career. Priorities. Also, I think I wrote this whole thing drunk in two hours without any spelling errors. Hooray for me.

Anyways, it’s five o’clock in the morning, I’m tired, and I have to work tomorrow.

Two more things:

- YOLO!!!!!
- YO SOY FIESTA!!!!!!!!

- Chode Out.