Chode Picks - NBA Finals

Welcome back, friends and family, to the first ever edition of the NBA Finals Chode Picks!! I know you’re all eagerly awaiting the unveiling of Chode’s coveted NBA Finals endorsement, but I’m going to need to bring you up to speed on a few other events across the sports landscape first, just to build the suspense. We’ve got some hockey, boxing, soccer, distance running and horse racing on tap, so let’s get to it. By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Everclear, Red Bull and Adderall XR. Stay thirsty, my friends. 

First up, I want to write about the only sport boring enough to make me want to watch professional hockey instead: international soccer. As you may or may not know or care about, EuroCup 2012 kicked off last week, pitting the best sixteen teams in the world’s second-most civilized continent against each other. Apparently this is how they get their competitive fix now that things like “genocide” and “world wars” are frowned upon across the pond. Anyways, the only reason I’m writing about the EuroCup at all is because I filled out a bracket and have a case of beer awaiting me when I win (you jackasses still owe me one from the NIT bracket, by the way), which gives me another excuse to shamelessly promote my own sports-predicting brilliance. So without further ado, I present to your 2012 EuroCup Champions (this will be the first and last time that I ever type these two words): VIVA ESPANA!!! Yes, I know that Spain won both the 2008 EuroCup and the 2010 World Cup, which makes everyone think that they’re due for a letdown, and I know that I’m betraying my Aryan heritage by not picking Germany, but I also can’t ignore the obvious fact that Spain is far and away the best team in the world. Everyone wants to root for a sexy underdog like Portugal or the Netherlands, but the truth is, Spain is just better, and in life, better people almost always win. Don’t get me wrong, I despise everything about Spain and their ass-backwards culture, but they’re most likely taking home whatever trophy they give out for winning the EuroCup.

Spain over Germany by hell, I don’t know. Two goals? Soccer sucks.

I’d also like to take a moment to officially switch my pick in the Stanley Cup Finals from the New Jersey Devils to the Los Angeles Kings. This decision was based upon hours of research and critical analysis, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the Kings have a 3-2 lead in the series and are currently up by four goals halfway through the second period in game six. Congratulations Los Angeles, and tell your daughter to quit bitching now, Bill Simmons.

Boxing update! Manny Pacquiao got straight-up robbed. But you already knew that. Moving on.

On second thought, I’m not going to write about horse racing either. They’re all juicing anyways. Also, horses are smelly, disgusting creatures. They’re like hockey players with hooves. And better teeth.

Before I get to the sport that matters, I’m going to get into what I like to call “Chode Sports”, or more plainly, the sports that I actually still play at a competitive level. First and foremost, distance running. You know, back in high school I used to watch the cross country team run around the field during football practice and wonder “What the hell would motivate anybody to spend their free time running aimlessly? Runner’s high? Killer calf muscles? Girls in short shorts? It must be the short shorts.” After training for and completing the Madison Marathon last May, I still have no damn idea. Running any farther than five miles at a time is mind-numbingly boring, and adds injury to insult by making your legs and feet hurt for the next 48 hours. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn take this lesson to heart last year, and in an incredible stroke of idiocy, signed myself up for Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, which takes place this Saturday. Luckily, I came up with a brilliant strategy to keep myself entertained and focused during the race. You see, typically around mile marker 21 in this particular marathon, the UM-Duluth venture out to aid the runners by giving away free cups of beer. Now, normally when someone offers me a free beer, I’ll take it without question (even from a frat guy, mostly because I don’t have boobs), but damn it, if I’m running 26.2 miles at once, I’m gonna need a little more fuel than that. So I’m planning on finding a keg and doing a 26.2 second keg stand before attempting to finish the race. I used the word “attempting” because I am completely unprepared for the running portion of this marathon. I haven’t run farther than 15 miles since last May, and I’ve been battling tendonitis in both feet throughout my training cycle. Also, I nearly fractured my shin last week trying to catch some dumb drunk girl who was falling down a flight of stairs (Lesson learned: don’t be a hero. Let her fall.). Fortunately however, I’ve been training HARD for the drinking part of this marathon. Without question, I am going to dominate that keg stand. I’m also pretty confident that I’ll be able to finish the race afterwards, thanks to a brilliant training technique that I invented. It’s called “chug, run-and-don’t-puke”. You see, during all of my long training sessions leading up to the race, I’ve stopped back at my apartment to shotgun a 16-ounce Natty Light before the last four-mile loop of my run. You’d be surprised how easy it is to get drunk after running 11 miles on a hot day. Anyways, I’ll let you guys know how it all works out next time. This is where you salute your computer screen and say “Good luck, Chode”. Thanks.

Time for the second and last Chode Sport of the summer. Take a guess what it is. Did you guess Ultimate Frisbee? You did? Why the hell would you guess Frisbee!?! Do I look like a fucking hippie to you? Anyways, since Madison has one of the biggest recreational Ultimate Frisbee leagues in the country, I went ahead and joined a team last year. I didn’t write about it last fall, because to be honest, we were fucking terrible, but this year it seems like we might have put a decent team together. Also, there’s free beer after the games. Good beer, too. Overall, even if your team sucks, it’s still a winning situation. With that said, I don’t expect team Electro-Flow-V (don’t ask) to lose a whole lot of games this summer. We’re 1-1 through the first two games, but our win was a blowout, and our loss came at the hands of a very organized, experienced, and well-conditioned team. I’ll keep you posted as the season goes on.

Damn it, I hate these Spotify commercials. I don’t give a flying fuck about your new album, Andre 3000, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you convince me to give it a listen. Just go away.

Before I get to this year’s NBA Finals, it’s time to recap the madness that was last week’s gubernatorial recall election in the state of Wisconsin. I’m not going to lie, earlier in the year I figured that the liberal outrage over Scott Walker’s Budget Repair Bill would probably be enough to get him kicked out of office. I’d like to apologize to my state for underestimating the resolve of the silent majority. It’s now clear that outside of Madison and parts of Milwaukee, the citizens of this state actually want politicians to follow through on their campaign promises and make tough decisions. I don’t think I can put into words how gratifying it was watching the crowd outside of the capitol last Tuesday understand that they had just wasted another year of their lives. After the final election results were announced, there was one shining moment when all of the protesters were forced to take a good look in the mirror and realize what they had become: a bunch of idiots waving signs and chanting at someone who wasn’t even there. It was glorious. Sucks to suck. Now go back to work. And yes, I realize that 46 percent of you are now insanely angry with me.

So, that wraps up the non-important part of this week’s Chode Picks. Now, it’s time for the opportunity that I’ve been dying to write about for the past three days. I hoped that this day would come sooner, but unfortunately, my dreams were delayed by the New York Giants six months ago. Finally though, I get to tell you about one of my favorite three teams (Packers, Badgers and Heat, in that order) playing for a world championship. Yes. It’s time. I’m sure you all watched as Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder dismantled the Spurs on their way to their first Finals. And I’m equally certain that you recently saw game seven of the Eastern Conference Finals, in which the Miami Heat knocked off the …

Hold on. I want to savor this for a minute.

THE CELTICS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! THE CELTICS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!! RAJON RONDO LOOKS LIKE THE GEICO LIZARD!! PAUL PIERCE, THE REAL TRUTH IS: YOU’RE TOO DAMN OLD!!! KEVIN GARNETT CAN’T EVEN READ!! SAY GOODBYE TO THE LESSER “BIG THREE”!!! ENJOY WATCHING THE FINALS BOSTON!!!!!

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Just for my own pleasure, I’m going to recap the Eastern Conference Finals between the Talents of South Beach and their most bitter rivals.

Games 1 and 2:
Miami: Hey Boston, guess what? We’ve got two players that are better than your entire team, and we’re going to prove it in Florida for a 2-0 lead. Suck it.

Games 3,4, and 5:
Boston: Well, Miami, in case you forgot, we still have three guys who know how to close out big games, along with the best young point guard in the league in Rajon Rondo. See you back in South Beach.

Game 6:
Chris Bosh: Hey, look at me!! I’m back in time to save the season!
LeBron: Fuck all of you. I’ll take 45 points and 15 rebounds, please.
Dwyane Wade: DAAAAAAAMN!! Good work, ‘Bron.

Game 7:
Doc Rivers: (insert cliché about veteran experience in Game 7 here)
Erik Spoelstra: This is literally a no-win situation for me.
Chris Bosh: Hey, guess what? I learned how to shoot threes when I was out!!
LeBron: Honestly, I hate all of you.
Wade: DAAAAAAAAMN!! It doesn’t matter what I do anyways, LeBron always takes all of the blame! Thank you, Skip Bayless!
LeBron: Oh by the way, I can make shots from halfcourt. DAGGER!!!
Paul Pierce: (sobbing)
LeBron: I have all the respect in the world for the Celtics (but seriously, fuck those guys). They had a great run (they’re too goddamn old). We’re looking forward to the next challenge. I won’t have any regrets this time (I am literally going to tear Kevin Durant’s arms off).
Pat Riley: Muhahahahaha!

Yup. The best part of the past series for me? In accordance with our previous bet, my two friends are now obligated to yell “LEBRON JAMES!!” the next time they sleep with a girl. Anyways, it’s about time for the world to retire their opinions about LeBron not being able to perform in big games, because he just eviscerated a championship-caliber team when it mattered the most. I think America is finally starting to get the message, because when I went out to celebrate the victory wearing a LeBron jersey/shirt that night, I literally could not walk ten feet in a crowded bar without somebody giving me a high five and telling me how sick they were of listening to all of the unfair criticism directed towards King James. This was in stark contrast to the past year, when I would have to endure taunts like “so, are you planning on leaving the bar 12 minutes early?” all night. At this point, there’s only one obstacle keeping LeBron from taking his rightful place as the second-greatest player in basketball history: winning an NBA championship (And if you think I’m exaggerating, consider the following: over the past ten playoff games, LeBron has scored 333 points on 234 shots and grabbed 111 rebounds. Nobody in history has ever had a run like that, ever. Not Jordan, not Magic, not Kobe, not anybody. He might be the most efficient player of all time).

With that said, we’re still headed for one HELL of a series, starting today. Let’s get to it.

NBA FINALS: MIAMI HEAT vs OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER

If you know anything about basketball, or sports in general, you should recognize that this is a classic case of good vs evil. One of these teams was built the right way, through careful planning, smart roster moves and good coaching. The other was built the exact opposite way, by torturing an already desperate fan base, ripping their hearts out, and most importantly, tanking THREE ENTIRE SEASONS to acquire talent. That’s right. I’m going there. The Oklahoma City Thunder have built a contender in the most despicable way possible: stealing a team from one of the great sports cities in America, and purposely sucking enough to draft four young stars in Durant, Russell Westbrook, James Harden and Serge Ibaka. No matter how despicable you think LeBron’s “Decision” was, keep in mind that the Thunder management ripped a storied franchise with a budding young star away from Seattle under the most heartbreaking of circumstances. For that reason alone, the entire country should be rooting for the Heat. After all, this is the United States of America, where we’re taught that by working hard, finding the right friends and taking advantage of opportunity, we all can be champions. In conclusion, it’s obvious that there’s only one team that deserves your support over the next two weeks. It’s America’s Team: the Miami Heat.

Argue if you must. Just know that if you were in the right, I’d agree with you. Anyways, it’s time to break down this colossal matchup position by position.

Point Guard
First off, I love Mario Chalmers. He is the father of my child. But this isn’t about Mario Chalmers, or little Mario A. Chalmers Jr. And that’s because if LeBron is the most unfairly criticized athlete in the NBA, Russell Westbrook is second. On any team other than the Thunder or Heat, he would be the franchise player. Both in the halfcourt set and on the fast break, he’s a one-man scoring machine. Also, he plays all-world defense, and I can’t wait to watch him dunk over a bunch of white European dudes in London next month. Even with the loss of Eric Maynor (which NOBODY is talking about), Oklahoma City still has the clear edge at point guard.
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Shooting Guard
Pop quiz: how old do you think James Harden is? Time’s up, and you’re all wrong. He’s 22. TWENTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD!! Are you kidding me? It kind of makes me feel unaccomplished, considering that we’re the same age and his beard alone is far more impressive than anything I could ever hope to achieve. However, Harden’s age is both his greatest asset and biggest liability. He’s going to be matched up against a 30-year old Dwyane Wade, who not only has been here twice before, but knows that he can take over a game at any time. And if you haven’t noticed, Wade always seems to step up his game on the biggest stages. If you don’t believe me, go back and watch the 2006 NBA Finals, which was the greatest single championship performance the NBA has ever seen (yes, better than any Finals Jordan had). If I’m betting on either of these two great players faltering in a big moment, it’s sure as hell not going to be Wade.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Small Forward
One more disclaimer: I love Kevin Durant. He’s probably my favorite non-Heat player. He’s hard-working, humble and talented as hell. He has a legitimate chance to break Kareem’s NBA scoring record by the end of his career. That being said, he’s simply not the all-around player that LeBron is. Durant dominates on one end of the court, while LeBron is not only the second-best scorer in the league, he’s also the best defender in the world. He’s guarded everyone from the lightning-quick Derrick Rose at point guard to the massive, dominating force that is Dwight Howard at center. And he does it better than anyone we’ve ever seen. When LeBron is guarding you, the best you can hope for is a contested pull-up jumper. Until Durantula learns how to play defense at a similar level, LeBron will always be the better player.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Power Forward
This is where it gets difficult. Was Bosh’s game 7 outburst an outlier, or is he truly healthy and ready to make a difference in this series? Can he keep hitting three pointers like Larry Bird, or did he just make a few lucky jumpers? We’ll know in a matter of days. But until he proves me wrong, I have to take the All-Star Bosh over Kendrick Perkins, whose offensive repertoire consists of easy put-back dunks and semi-intimidating glares. Perkins’ best quality is his ability to neutralize elite centers like Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol, of which the Heat have none. In short, I don’t think Perkins can guard Bosh all the way out to the perimeter, and I don’t think he’s a threat to hurt Miami on offense. Don’t make a fool out of me, Chris.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Center
Serge Ibaka vs Joel Anthony/Udonis Haslem/Ronny Turiaf. Son of a bitch. 
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Bench Players
This is hard to pin down. Both the Heat and the Thunder rely on a wide array of lineups, to the point where it’s hard to classify starters from bench players, simply because many of the “second string” guys end up playing more minutes than the presumed starters. On Miami’s side, we have Shane Battier, Mike Miller, Norris Cole and James Jones. For OKC, there’s Thabo Sefolosha (yes, I know he’s technically a starter, but Harden is the real difference maker), Nick Collison and Derek Fisher. Actually, now that I put that on paper, it looks a lot better for Miami than I thought. Fisher is old and slow, Sefolosha never touches the ball, and Nick Collison is white. Assuming Battier, Miller and Jones can hit a few three-pointers, I gotta give this one to Miami.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Coaching
I love Erik Spoelstra. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the fact that he always wears the same suit. Or his Filipino good looks. Or that he worked his way up from film-room coordinator to head coach. Or that he spends more time on the court than most of the Heat’s bench. Whatever it is, I think his Finals experience gives him an edge over Scott Brooks.
ADVANTAGE: HEAT

Home Court Advantage
Duh.
ADVANTAGE: THUNDER

Regardless of the advantages the Heat might have in this series, one thing sticks out that worries me deeply: Oklahoma City has lost exactly three games in the playoffs this year. The Heat are a paltry 12-6 by comparison. With that in mind, I can see why the Thunder are favored. But you know what? As a Heat fan, it feels good to be the underdog for once. No matter what happens, I’ll say it again, we’re all in for one HELL of a series.

Miami in seven.

Also, if the Heat lose, I get slapped in the face twice, in accordance with two slap-bets I made earlier in the year. So if you’re rooting for the Thunder just to spite me, I get it. Just know that I’m going to be even more insufferable if my team wins.

If you need another reason to watch the Finals this year, try playing the following game that me and my friends invented last week. Get two or three of your friends together, and at the start of the fourth quarter, each of you “drafts” two players. Then for the rest of the game, every time one of your players makes a three-point attempt, you get to give out a shot. We played this during game five of the OKC-San Antonio series last week, and the teams combined to make nine threes in the final period. Needless to say, it was a fun night.

Some final thoughts before I call it a night:

- Almost forgot to mention that I met Jordy Nelson AND Mason Crosby at a bar in Madison about a month ago. Unfortunately, I was drunker than a freshman girl at a football game, so I didn’t really know what to do. So naturally, I walked up to them, threw two drinks in their faces and shouted “THE FUCKING GIANTS!! REALLY!?!?!”.

- Just kidding. In reality, I bought them both a beer and congratulated them both on a fantastic season. Don’t ask me why I felt like I needed to buy drinks for a couple of multi-millionaires.

- Mason Crosby is a weird-looking dude.

- I attached two Cracked.com videos at the end of this post. If you don’t think the first one is funny, then you clearly have a more mature sense of humor than I do. Congratulations. Of you don’t think the second one is funny, keep watching more of the episodes in the series. The get better. And I apologize for the ads. And the first thirty seconds of each episode. But they’re worth it.

- Seven and a half pages. Single spaced. New Chode Picks record. Thank God I don’t have to work tomorrow.

- Win or lose, I’m still going to write again after the Finals. Stay tuned.

- LET’S GO HEAT!!!!

- Chode Out.