Chode Picks – Victory

And we’re back. Coming to you from the known center of the universe, Madison, Wisconsin, welcome to the first (but certainly not last) post-CHAMPIONSHIP edition of the Chode Picks!! It’s been an eventful couple of weeks in the life of the Chode, and as promised, I’m here to update you on all of the personal and worldwide athletic exploits that have colored my life since the last time we met. First and foremost, I need to address the turn of events that rocked the sports world last week. You know what I’m talking about. I sincerely apologize for shooting my proverbial load this early in the article, but this simply cannot wait.

Hold on a second. I want to savor this.

PERCY HARVIN HAS SEEN THE LIGHT!! HE WANTS OUT OF MINNESOTA!! THE VIKINGS’ ALREADY TERRIBLE OFFENSE IS GOING TO GET SO MUCH WORSE!! HE’S ABOUT TO BE TRADED TO GREEN BAY FOR GRAHAM HARRELL AND A SIXTH-ROUND DRAFT PICK!!! GET READY TO ENJOY ANOTHER 3-13 SEASON, MINNESOTA!!!

Wow. I just went from six to midnight. Apparently the cloud of marijuana smoke that perpetually surrounds Harvin hasn’t hindered his ability to recognize that the Vikings are on a sinking ship, and it’s time to bail out. I never thought I would type this sentence, but smart move, Percy Harvin. You’ll look much better in green and gold (or really, any color other than purple). Also, I have it on good authority that Matt Forte has been eyeing the greener pastures of Wisconsin as well. Life is good.

Speaking of reasons why life is good, this week officially marks the beginning of summer, and naturally the forecast calls for temperatures to soar to over 100 degrees in Madison by Thursday. Considering that my apartment doesn’t have air conditioning, I plan on spending most of the upcoming heat wave drinking alone in my basement bedroom, or as I like to call it “The Land Down Under”. It’s weeks like these that the benefits of living downstairs: lower temperatures, more privacy, enough space for a bitchin’ king-sized bed (ladies) vastly outweigh the negatives: having to walk up a flight of stairs to pee, poor ventilation, copious amounts of spiders (ladies). So I just want to take a moment to let you all know that as you’re sweating through your sheets for the next week, I’ll be sleeping until 2:00PM in relative comfort.

Regardless, it’s time to move on to the Chode Sports. More specifically, I want to tell you about the adventure that was Grandma’s Marathon 2012. If you read the last edition of the Chode Picks (and if you didn’t, stop reading this and do it right now), you know that this past Saturday I took on the formidable task of running a 26.2-mile race that I was almost completely unprepared for. Going into the race, I had four lofty, if unreasonable goals:
- Do a 26.2 second kegstand during the race
- Finish the race
- Don’t puke
- Do it all in less than three hours and forty-five minutes
Now that I’m a full week removed from the ordeal, I can proudly say that I unleashed my inner Kenyan alcoholic and accomplished ALL of the goals listed above with a blazing fast time of 3:41 (stop laughing, Matt. Yes, I know you could have done it in your sleep. Don’t ruin this for me). To top it all off, after watching me finish the kegstand at mile 21 and hustle my ass up lemon drop hill to catch up with him, one of the race’s pace leaders gave me a $100 giftcard to an running website because, in his words “that was fucking awesome”. I’m not going to lie, there was nothing but sheer, drunken determination carrying me through those last five miles. That and the promise of a free massage at the finish line, delivered by a volunteer masseuse that, in retrospect, may have been trying to seduce me (I mean, I didn’t ask her to massage my ass muscles, but she took it upon herself anyways. Never mind that she was a 6 out of 10 at best, for the purposes of the Chode Picks, I’m going to pretend that she was smoking hot. Don’t judge me). Overall, my second was an awesome experience, and convinced me not retire from competitive running after all.

Also, today marked the first time since the marathon that I felt motivated enough to work out, so I headed to the gym and came to two startling realizations, one good and one bad. On the positive side, I no longer need to coat my balls in baby powder before a workout to prevent chafing. However on a more depressing note, it seems that I lost a decent amount of upper body strength during my training for the race. Fortunately, the staff at the gym were nice enough to raise my self-esteem again by lowering the basketball rims for a youth basketball camp this week, so I got to spend fifteen glorious minutes throwing down monster dunks and shamelessly mean mugging any seven-year-olds foolish enough to cross my path.

Anyways, while I was away conquering the course in Duluth, my Frisbee team dropped two of three games to bring our season record down to 3-3. It’s worth noting that when Chode is on the field, team Electro-Flow-V has an impressive winning percentage of .667, while when the Chode is absent, we’ve been a pathetic .333. Coincidence? Maybe, but I refuse to acknowledge it. Until further notice, I am the Chris Bosh of Ultimate Frisbee. Crucial to team success, but constantly ridiculed and overlooked.

And with that ridiculous, inaccurate analogy, it’s time to get to the goods, the final act of the 2012 NBA season, round one of what is sure to be a classic rivalry between the Oklahoma Shitty Thunder and Miami’s HEAT 316. If for some reason you were trapped in a cave or North Dakota for the past two weeks, I’ll recap the series for you.

Game 1:
Durant: Hey guys, let’s tank the first half so we can make an awesome comeback in the second and listen to everyone make “LeBron can’t close” jokes for the next two days.
OKC Fans: RRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! OKC!! OKC!! OKC!!
Erik Spoelstra : Son of a bitch. I might get fired mid-series.
Shane Battier: Alright, fuck this. I’m shooting every time I get the ball from now on.

Game 2:
OKC Fans: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! OKC!! OKC!! OKC!!
LeBron: Good God, you bastards are irritating.
Battier: Hey, they’re all going in!
Wade: Too small? How’s this for “too small” asshole?
James Harden: (forces another terrible shot)
Spoelstra: Thank you, Shane. Let’s get the hell out of here.

Games 3 and 4:
LeBron: You know what? None of these guys can guard me one-on-one. Oh shit, double-team (passes to Battier).
Battier: If I keep hitting these, can I play in the Olympics?
Harden: (still throwing up bricks)
Mario Chalmers: I think I’ll start trying now.
Spoelstra: These guys are making me a LOT of money.

Game 5:
Mike Miller: Hey guys, remember me?
LeBron: Just keep your ugly white ass behind the three-point line, Mike. Let’s see, I need two more rebounds for a triple-double. (misses twice, grabs both rebounds, scores anyways). That’s better.
Durant: (quietly sobbing)
Russell Westbrook: Well Harden, looks like we’re getting crucified by the media for the next five months.
Spoelstra: I am PHIL-LIPINO JACKSON!!
Pat Riley: Muhahahahaha!

And so ends two years of vicious criticism of the Miami Heat. Going up against a heavily favored Oklahoma City team, the gritty, undermanned Heat somehow found a way to gut out four victories despite their glaring height disadvantage. Supercoach Erik Spoelstra spent all series finding creative solutions to the Thunder’s obvious physical advantages, and the Miami Heat became the first team to win an NBA championship without ever putting a true center on the floor. In the end, a combination of brilliant post play from Chris Bosh, efficient scoring from Dwyane Wade, LeBron relentlessly attacking the basket, and clutch shooting from Shane Battier, Mario Chalmers and Mike Miller was more than the inexperienced Thunder could handle. I’m pretty sure Miller is still nailing three-pointers in American Airlines Arena as I type this. Also, I hope you all watched the trophy ceremony at the end. If you saw the look of pure joy and gratitude on LeBron’s face as he was handed the Larry O’Brien trophy and listened to his humble acceptance speech, you should no longer have any reason in the world to root for his failure. In fact, if there’s any Heat player that you might have a reason to dislike, it’s Dwyane Wade. After all, Wade was the evil genius who spent three years at Marquette learning how to convince his talented friends to take less money for a chance to be historically great. He and Pat Riley punked the entire league, and now have another championship to show for it. Well played, Dwyane. As usual though, he and Chris Bosh were humble to the end as they took their rightful places alongside LeBron as one of the greatest trios ever to play the game of basketball. Fortunately though, I feel no such need to be humble after my team wins a championship. So let me savor this for just a moment…

THE HEAT ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS AGAIN!! LEBRON IS NEVER LEAVING MIAMI!! HE’S TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN YEARS OLD!! MIAMI MIGHT JUST WIN SEVEN TITLES AFTER ALL!! KEVIN DURANT CAN’T EVEN BENCH PRESS 150 POUNDS!! JAMES HARDEN LOOKS LIKE A HOMELESS MAN!! JON BARRY IS AN IDIOT!! JUWAN HOWARD HAS MORE RINGS THAN CHARLES BARKLEY!! WE ARE ALL WITNESSES!! I GUARANTEE THE HEAT ARE GOING TO WIN IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR!!!

Now that LeBron’s coronation is complete, there’s no telling just how great he can become. With every conceivable award and honor already under his belt, he’s competing against history. Charles Barkley (a known Heat-hater) even went on record last week saying that if LeBron goes on to win four or more titles, his legacy will be comparable to Michael Jordan’s. And after watching how thoroughly he dismantled the only other team built to compete for a title year after year, I think it’s safe to say that King James isn’t done winning championships. After enduring a ridiculous amount of hatred and criticism after last year’s Finals, learning from it all and working to take his game to another level, he deserves nothing less. Over the past two years, he’s taught the entire country that when life knocks you down, you calmly get back up, smile and say “you hit like a bitch”. You know, sometimes, it’s the big things in life that matter the most.

So what comes next for the Heat and the rest of the NBA? Can they keep winning championships with just the big three surrounded by a bunch of shooters? Maybe, but it would make me feel a lot better if Pat Riley went out and signed a center who can rebound and actually score a few buckets every now and then. I know I’ve talked about how Miami should trade Bosh for Dwight Howard before, but let’s be realistic; that’s like saying I should trade in my shoes for a Cadillac. Realistically, I think Miami will look to sign yet another three-point shooter this summer, especially if Mike Miller decides to retire (one of my favorite players ever, by the way. He played the entire playoffs with four busted vertebrae). Ray Allen, in particular, has already expressed some interest in taking his talents to South Beach. This would thrill me to no end, if only to see the looks on Garnett, Pierce and Rondo’s faces as Allen destroys them from downtown in the playoffs. Cross your fingers.

Also, the NBA Draft is on Thursday, and if Fab Melo falls to Miami at #27, I’m going to go nuts. Otherwise, Draymond Green would be a good fit.

Regardless of what happens, we should all consider ourselves lucky, because starting at the end of July, we get to watch LeBron, Wade, Bosh, Durant, Chris Paul, Kobe, Westbrook, Kevin Love, Tyson Chandler and three other guys crush the rest of the world in the Olympics. As promised, I’ll be writing throughout the games. Most of the focus will be on basketball, but I’ll make sure to find some time for track, swimming, and most importantly, women’s sand volleyball.

Also, I got to slap my friend (I’ll refer to him as Jeff, so you won’t know that his real name is Sam MacDonald) in the face in accordance with our NBA Finals slap bet. To his credit, he took it like a champ. So Jeff, if you’d like to make the same bet next year, I’d be more than happy to. Choose your team wisely.

Some final thoughts before we wrap up the NBA season:

- Forget Matt Moore and Ryan Tannehill, Dwyane Wade is easily the best quarterback in Miami

- IF YOUR ZIPPO LIGHTER ISN’T WORKING IT’S BECAUSE MIKE MILLER HAS STOLEN ALL OF THE FIRE!!

- I don’t know why I’ve waited this long, but I need to write about the greatest tragedy of the year 2012 thus far: the demise of 190-proof Everclear. Apparently, some idiot drank way too much of Chode’s favorite beverage and killed himself last year. After a successful lawsuit by the guy’s father, Everclear was forced to pull the 95% ethanol mixture from shelves. This reaction makes absolutely no sense, for two reasons. First, you can still buy off-brand grain alcohol that contains 190-proof booze at most liquor stores, for a price considerably lower than the original Everclear. Secondly, drinking way too much of the now 151-proof Everclear CAN STILL KILL YOU IF YOU’RE A MORON! Sorry, but sometimes you just have to let natural selection run its course. Which is one of many reasons why this November, I’m voting for…

- Shane Battier for President. Yes we can!

- IF YOU CAN’T TAKE THE HEAT THEN YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH MIKE MILLER IN THE KITCHEN!!

- I’ve just been informed that the Red Cross is facing a national blood shortage. So you should probably go donate, if you can. Not only will it make you feel better about drinking a case of PBR and burning down a trailer park, but it helps get rid of the ensuing hangover as well. Just do it.

- MIKE MILLER IS BASICALLY A VOLCANO WRAPPED IN THE SUN WITHOUT THE APPLICATION OF SUNSCREEN AND THAT ANALOGY GOT AWAY FROM ME

- Long live The Crevice

- The Chode would like to give a shout out to longtime friend and Chode Picks follower Danielle Schindele, who is recovering from a stroke she suffered earlier this month. As you may or may not know, there are only three things in the world that legitimately scare me. The first is alligators. The second is crocodiles, naturally, and the third is brain aneurysm/stroke. I hope you get a chance to read this Danielle, and if you do, know that we’re still keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.

- The two videos I attached this week are both from Dan LeBatard’s radio show. He’s a Miami sportswriter that has a knack for capturing great moments with long, vulgar rants. Enjoy.

Until next month,

- Chode Out.