Chode Picks - Conference Finals

Welcome back friends, on a gorgeous Thursday afternoon to the second edition of the 2013 NBA Playoff Chode Picks!  Finals are over, I’m unemployed for the next month and America’s Team, the Miami Heat are still rolling through their Midwest tour of destruction, so I’m here to rock your socks off for four to five pages of two-fingered typed bullshit.  Hold on tight.

EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: INDIANA PACERS VS MIAMI HEAT

YES!  That’s right.  Believe it or not, the gritty, undermanned Indiana Pacers were able to hang in there against the mighty New York Knicks and somehow advance to the Eastern Conference Finals.  And somehow the other underdog in the conference, the Miami Heat were able to sustain major injuries to Dwyane Wade, a vicious home-court advantage for the Bulls, and horribly one-sided refereeing from Joey Crawford (Oprah voice: You get a technical foul!  You get a technical foul!!  EVERYONE GETS A TECHNICHAL FOOOOUUL!!!!!), the shorthanded Heat found a way to steal four games against heavily favored Chicago.

Hold on a second.  Let me savor this…

THE BULLS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  THE KNICKS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  NEW YORK, WELCOME TO ANOTHER DECADE OF IRRELEVANCE!!  CHICAGO, WELCOME TO ANOTHER DECADE OF BEING SECOND-CLASS IN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!!  TOM THIBODEAU STILL HAS NO IDEA HOW TO KEEP A TEAM HEALTHY!!  DERRICK ROSE IS THE HEALTHIEST MAN IN ILLINOIS, BUT HE’S TOO AFRAID TO PLAY AGAINST LEBRON!!  HE’S GOING TO BE THE ONLY MVP EVER TO NOT MAKE THE HALL OF FAME!!  JR SMITH WILL NEVER BE PART OF A REAL CHAMPIONSHIP CONTENDER!!  CARMELO IS A FAT, NON-CLUTCH VERSION OF DWYANE WADE!!  THE MIAMI HEAT ARE ABOUT TO GO UP THREE TO ZERO ON THE REST OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!! 

Bahahaha.  One side effect of a year’s worth of studying for medical school: I’m now convinced that Joakim Noah is suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome and Tom Thibodeau has dissecting cellulitis of the scalp with progressive alopecia.  Not that it matters, because they now both have enough free time in the offseason to deal with their issues.  Speaking of issues, the Bulls are fucked.  They’ve got approximately half of their salary cap tied up in Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah, leaving them with one effective player and almost no money to recruit the free-agent they’ll need to compete with the Heat over the next five years.  Which leaves the title of second-best team in the East to the Indiana Pacers, who are about to experience the pain and disappointment that comes with being eliminated one step short of the NBA Finals.  I don’t care how impressive they looked dispatching the Knicks, the truth is, they’re way too offensively challenged to threaten my team this year.  I expect this series to be chippy, physical and highly contested… until Miami decides to shift into full-gear and bury the Pacers under an avalanche of highlight-reel dunks and three-pointers.  It’s just a matter of time.  At this point, the only drama left in the NBA postseason isn’t which team will take home the trophy, it’s how many games the Heat will need to claim their place as one of the greatest teams of all time.  Personally, I don’t think it will be more than eleven.  And even though most of the suspense is gone, trust me when I say that you should still watch the games, because someday your kids are going to ask you if you got to watch LeBron James, and it would be a damn shame if you missed it.  He’s playing chess on the NBA’s checkerboard.  The Heat’s dominance over the past two seasons makes me look back on the 2011 playoffs with a mixture of nostalgia and embarrassment, mostly because Erick Dampier and Mike Bibby were legitimate parts of the rotation at that point (Sweet Jesus, I forgot about Bibby.  He was actually our starting point guard for half the season.  Facepalm).  Anyways, that’s enough about the greatness of my favorite basketball team for one week.  More coming in five games, I promise.

Also, thank you Frank Vogel for benching your best defender on the last play in game 1.  Not that it would have mattered anyways.  The real reason Roy Hibbert was on the bench for the closing seconds is, ironically enough, the same reason that LeBron used to get ripped for “not being clutch”: his fantastic passing ability.  You see, if Hibbert stays in on that play, he has to leave his man to protect the rim as LeBron drives to the hoop, and LeBron, as we’ve seen him do so many times in the past, then hits a teammate for a wide-open shot.  It’s the dilemma that he puts on every coach unfortunate enough to face him in the playoffs, and more often than not, LeBron wins.  And no, I don’t get an erection when I type “LeBron James”.  Not every time, anyways.

Heat in five.

Halftime.  Time to write about hockey.  And since the Blackhawks are playing the other marquee team from the Midwest, we’ll start off with Detroit and Chicago.

DETROIT RED WINGS VS CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

You know what?  I can almost sympathize with Blackhawks fans on this one.  Do you know why?  It’s because they have a horribly racist mascot.  And for my entire high school career, I also played for a team with an insensitive, politically-incorrect moniker: the Menomonie Indians.  And as much of an asshole as I might seem like for typing this, I loved it.  I’ll never forget sitting at a girls basketball game at Menomonie High chanting “Indians! Indians!  Scalp ‘em! Scalp em!”  Unfortunately, my alma mater’s logo was changed last year to the Menomonie Mustangs, a much less badass mascot.  The lesson as always; the loud, angry activist group will always get their way, despite your best efforts.  And just like the loud, angry activist group, the Red Wings will get their way in this series.  Good Lord, that was a terrible analogy.  Bear with me, I haven’t been this drunk since graduation (Hi, Mom!  I love you!).  Never chug vodka and Red Bull. 

Also, I may have given you all the wrong impression that I hate every team from Chicago.  That’s not exactly true.  I still recognize the 1985 Bears as one of the best teams ever to play in the NFL, and naturally I will also concede that Michael Jordan was the 2^nd-best basketball player ever to walk the earth.  Along the same lines, I won’t be upset if the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup.  It’s not that I like them, I just despise them less than the Bears, Cubs and White Sox.  But Pat Kane is still a douche, no matter how much I secretly enjoyed watching him and his friends knock the Wild out of the playoffs at Chasers Bar and Grill last week.  Also, I like that song that plays when the Blackhawks score (DA DA DUM, DA DA DUM, DA DA DA DA DUM).

Red Wings in six.

Nah.  No more hockey.  One series was enough.  When one of the Florida teams moves to Wisconsin, I’ll pay more attention.

WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS: MEMPHIS ASS GRIZZLIES VS SAN ANTONIO ASS SPURS

First of all, let me take a moment to remind you all that I told you so.  I told you that the Spurs were the best team in the West.  You didn’t listen.  I told you that Wardell Stephen Curry’s (yes, that’s his real name) hot shooting streak wouldn’t last against a brilliant defensive team like the Spurs.  You still didn’t listen.  I told you that the Grizzlies’ defense would tear apart Oklahoma City like a class 4 tornado (too soon? nope).  No matter.  You all watched how Gregg Popovich’s crew tore apart the vaunted Memphis defense in game 1.  And if you’re an astute observer, you recognized the Grizzlies for what they really are: a healthy version of the Chicago Bulls.  Yes they play great defense, but in today’s NBA, offense wins championships.  And despite the fact that Mike Conley is now unquestionably a better point guard than Derrick Rose, neither team would have a chance at winning an NBA title this year.  Don’t get me wrong, I admire Memphis for what they’ve been able to do this season, knocking out Chris “Point God” Paul and Kevin Durant in consecutive series, but they have a snowball’s chance in a cage fight against Mike Tyson in hell of beating San Antonio.  And this series will finally give me what I’ve been waiting for since 2010: a Heat-Spurs NBA Finals.  Yes.  You see, as an intelligent basketball fan, I can’t help but appreciate what San Antonio has done over the past few years, reinventing themselves around Tony Parker and Tim Duncan as a slash-and-kick offensive juggernaut that most NBA coaches have wet dreams about, and I can’t wait to see how they handle the invincible flying death machine that Pat Riley has assembled in South Beach.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  We still have five more games to watch Parker and company dispose of America’s darlings, the Memphis Grizzlies.  Game.  Blouses.

Spurs in six.

Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers on winning the NBA’s draft lottery tonight, giving them the chance to draft future All-Star Nerlens Noel with the first overall pick in June.  And congratulations to the Miami Heat for signing All-Star free agent Nerlens Noel in 2018.

It would be irresponsible of me if I failed to mention the greatest victory that the Minnesota Vikings have scored in the history of their sad, pathetic franchise this week: their new stadium plan, which almost assures that they won’t be forced to move to Los Angeles after all.  Touche Minnesota, for roping your sappy taxpayers into paying for a brand-new “state of the art” venue that looks like a giant turd.  Seriously.  I want to be the first one to capitalize on the obvious nickname for the proposed stadium: the Star Destroyer.  As in, it’s a place where football stars go to die.  Like Michael Bennett.  And Erasmus James.  And Percy Harvin.  And Gary Anderson.  And Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin and company (Herschel Walker trade, look it up).  And eventually Adrian Peterson.  I cannot wait to watch Aaron Rodgers tear it up in that cursed building for the forseeable future.

Before I wrap it up this week, I need to share with you all a deep-rooted Madison tradition that I’ve been slacking on until now: the Beer Bracket.  You see, ever since my freshman year at UW, I’ve put together an annual competition to determine the greatest beer in the world, March Madness-style.  The contest is resolved by me and my friends voting on head to head matchups between 68 different beer brands every day until the final four, when blind taste tests are conducted by the finest of beer connoisseurs (yeah that’s right, I just spelled “connoisseurs” right on my first try).  Anyways, since I’ve been slacking on getting this year’s edition out, I’m opening it up to all of my readers.  From this point on, I will be posting four different matchups every day on the Chode Picks Facebook group and Twitter page.  There will be four different regionals: Wisconsin Brews, Domestic Brews, Foreign Brews  and Hangover Brews (shitty, cheap college beers).  Anyone and everyone can and is encouraged to cast their vote.  Previous winners are listed below:

2009: Leinenkugel’s Original

2010: New Glarus Spotted Cow

2011: Capital Brewery Island Wheat

2012: Paulaner Hefe-Weissbier

2013: Your choice

Two last notes: I was told on Sunday that writing a blog is “not very manly” from a bunch of undergrads.  Bull. Shit.  Thanks to Alex Fannin for defending my honor.

Also, it’s 2013.  It’s no longer acceptable for men to wear suspenders (unless of course, you’re at a Badger game).  Buy a damn belt.

Go Packers, Badgers, Brewers and Heat.  God Bless America.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Quarterfinals

Hello again friends, and welcome to week two of the extraordinary EIGHTH season of the Chode Picks!!  Yeah that’s right, despite your repeated attempts to keep me from writing, I’m back.  So you can take your snotty comments and condescending suggestions that I should “take my life seriously” and shove them.  Then sit down and read for 5-10 minutes, depending on your literacy level.  You’re welcome.

First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate the winners of the 2013 NFL Draft: the Green Bay Packers.  If you only watched the first round, you might have gotten the impression that the St. Louis Rams or Minnesota Vikings won the draft, but I apologize if you were foolish enough to fall into the trap that Mel Kiper and Todd McShay set for you.  You see, the Rams made the ill-advised decision to trade two of their later picks so that they could trade up and take Tavon Austin, a wide receiver two inches shorter than me (and much less athletic, obviously) instead of making the right choice by replacing quarterback Sam Bradford with Austin’s more talented teammate, Geno Smith.  Likewise, Minnesota also passed on their chance to draft a quarterback of the future, instead stocking up on a couple of defenders and trading up to take another receiver, Cordarelle Patterson, who fits nicely into the long tradition of supremely talented Viking receivers who couldn’t catch a cold on Christmas in Duluth.  At least they proved me wrong and managed to avoid wasting a pick on Manti Te’o.  They did however, allow the best player in the draft to fall to the Packers at number 26 overall, Datone Jones (who will from this point on be referred to as DA TONESETTER!!).  Many thought the Pack would target a running back with their first round selection, but Ted Thompson wisely decided to hold off until the end of the second round, and it paid off in a big way when the best back in the draft was still available, Eddie Lacy. (I apologize if you’re a fan or friend of Montee Ball.  Or if you are Montee Ball.  Lacy just happens to be much bigger, faster and stronger, three things that make him more likely to be a good NFL player.  And sadly, we all know about Wisconsin’s terrible track record of producing starting-caliber NFL running backs.)  Also, it’s clear now that Minnesota’s long-term strategy is to keep stockpiling wide receivers, so that when Christian Ponder overthrows them over the middle and they get decapitated, they’ll have plenty in reserve.  Smart move.

Next, more congratulations are in order for King James after he took home his 4^th MVP award in five years, an accomplishment matched only by Bill Russell in NBA history.  LeBron captured 120 of a possible 121 first-place votes, with the only other vote going to Carmelo Anthony from some asshole in Boston who apparently stopped watching NBA games six years ago.  LeBron now sits two MVPs short of the all-time record of 6 set by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and I think he’ll pass that mark before he’s done.  Simply put, LeBron deserves the MVP every year.  And Defensive Player of the Year.  And Most Improved Player.  And Coach of the Year.  And Rookie of the Year.

Next up (unfortunately), the NHL playoffs started last week.  But since I’m more interested in the Kontinental Hockey League (Go CSKA!), we’ll skip to the only series that matters…

CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS VS MINNESOTA WILD

This is the kind of series that makes me root for the stadium to collapse on both teams.  Kind of like Ohio State-Michigan or Vikings-Bears.  But I need to congratulate the Blackhawks on their impressive 24-game winning streak earlier in the season.  Wait, what’s that?  They didn’t win 24 games in a row?  They just avoided losing?  Oh alright, well 24 wins or ties in a row is still pretty damn good.  Hold on a sec.  You mean to tell me they actually LOST three of those games in overtime?  And their longest actual winning streak was only 11?  Well then what the hell was the big deal?  Regardless, gotta go with the Hawks on this one.  They’ve been too impressive all season.

Blackhawks in seven.

Anyways, let’s get to the NBA matchups.  I’ve got finals to study for, so I apologize if this edition is a little short or late in the week.  You know, the worst thing about finishing your first year of medical school is the moment when you realize that if you had decided to be a pharmacist instead of a real doctor, you’d already be done with school.  Oh well.  Wasn’t quite ready to leave this city anyways.

EASTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:

NEW YORK KNICKS VS INDIANA PACERS

I know it’s cheating to pick these after game 1 is already over but hey, this is my blog and I get to make the rules.  And if that means I was probably going to take the Knicks until they shit the proverbial bed at home yesterday against the Pacers, so be it.  By the way, take a guess how much it costs to watch a playoff basketball game in Indiana.  I’ll wait.  I checked StubHub for game 5 tickets of the Hawks-Pacers series last round, and they were going off at the ridiculous price of $3.  Yup.  Three fucking dollars.  And for the measly price of $28, you could get yourself lower-level seats.  I may be wrong, but I’m guessing Colts preseason tickets are more expensive than that.  Maybe I’ll luck out, the Pacers will beat the Knicks and I can take a trip to Indy to watch the Eastern Conference Finals on the cheap.

Pacers in six.

MIAMI HEAT VS CHICAGO BULLS

… damn it.

I had this section all written up Monday afternoon.  It was all about how the Heat were going to cruise their way to another sweep over a depleted Chicago squad.  I was going to rip Derrick Rose some more for not playing, praise LeBron, write some insulting things about Tom Thibodeau and wrap it all up with an ultra-cocky “Heat in three” prediction.  Then game 1 happened.

Bulls.  Balls.

Unfortunately for me and the rest of my Heat brethren, Miami decided to come out and stick with their patented “sleepwalk through the first three quarters and start trying early in the fourth quarter” gimmick.  And while that may have worked just fine against the Milwaukee Bucks, the Bulls are far too disciplined and well-coached to let them get away with it.  Damn you, Nate Robinson.  So I guess I’ll be completely honest instead and tell you that it’ll probably take some effort for LeBron and company to dispatch what is clearly a less talented but more motivated Chicago team.  You know, I’ll even go so far as to say that the Bulls are one player away from having a chance at beating Miami and contending for a title.  I’ll let you connect the dots on that one.  Remember that Adidas commercial where Rose sat out and watched his team from the bench in the playoffs?  Me neither.

Anyways, I expect the Heat to come out with a hell of a lot more urgency in the next few games and win the series anyways.  Hopefully this was the wake-up call they needed to get their asses in gear and play up to their potential instead of playing down to their opposition.  There’s nothing worse than losing to a team you’re supposed to blow out.

Good God though, I had forgotten how ugly Joakim Noah is.  On his best days, he looks like a bearded woman on steroids, but last night I think his unattractiveness reached an all-time high.   

The one thing I won’t criticize about the Bulls though, was Kirk Hinrich’s “cojones” dance in Brooklyn after hitting a dagger three in game 7 of the first round.  That was awesome.  I don’t care how much he got fined for it, it was worth every penny.  And the only thing that will make winning this series more enjoyable is watching LeBron or Wade do the exact same thing during game six in Chicago after they sink the winning shot.  And if the Bulls somehow win the series, I will eat my own head.  Seriously. 

Heat in six.

Quick side note here on an important cultural issue.  I’m sure you all heard the news as Jason Collins came out in an interview with Sports Illustrated titled: The Gay Athlete, which took me by surprise because I had no idea that Jason Collins was still considered an athlete. 

WESTERN CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS:

SAN ANTIONIO SPURS VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS

So, I’m guessing most of you didn’t see the first game of this series on Monday night.  That’s a shame, because it ended up being probably the most exciting playoff game of the past five years, going into double overtime before Manu Ginobli hit a game-winning three for San Antonio.  So if you don’t care all that much about the NBA and just want to watch the most exciting games for the rest of the playoffs, this is probably the series you want to stick to.  Also, I’d like to take a moment to remind you all that I picked the Heat and Spurs to make the Finals way back at the start of the season.  Yeah that’s right, before the Harden trade or Westbrook injury.  Sticking by it.

Spurs in six.

OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

Well, that Houston-OKC series was a hell of a lot more interesting than I thought.  Probably not for the reasons you think though.  You see, I remembered a little game that I heard about and started playing with myself last year during the playoffs.  It’s simple: you take every team’s mascot name, and add the word “ass” to the beginning.  So the series I went to watch in Milwaukee would’ve been the Ass Heat vs Ass Bucks.  And the overall winner of the first round of the NBA playoffs?  You guessed it, Oklahoma City and Houston, for giving us the Ass Rockets vs Ass Thunder.  My all-time favorite matchup?  That comes on Sunday, December 15^th this year when the Ass Packers play the Ass Cowboys in Dallas.  Yes, these are the things I think about in between studying for med school exams. 

Grizzlies in seven.

- Chode Out.