Chode Picks – Round 1

I couldn’t help myself.  For months, I had promised myself that I wouldn’t write again until the start of the NFL season in August.  I had all the reasons in the world not to; between med school exams, another half-marathon to train for, and seemingly an endless number of weddings to go to this summer, I really didn’t think I’d have time to write this summer.  But then I went and drunkenly promised someone that I would write for the NBA playoffs, and after pounding a six-pack of Leinenkugel’s, here I am.  Time to catch up on everything I missed since December.  Let’s get to it.  This week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Leinenkugel Brewing Company, the pride and joy of that disgusting town west of Menomonie.

First of all, I need to address the greatest sports victory that the state of Minnesota has scored in the past five years or so: Greg Jennings.  That’s right, the Packer’s 4^th best receiver and 1^st best TV actor defected across the state line after Ted Thompson wisely decided not to match the ridiculous, salary-cap destroying, franchise-killing contract that our less-intelligent neighbors to the west offered him.  So congratulations Minnesota, you just gave us the perfect excuse to get rid of our most injury-prone player and gave us the cap space to re-sign Clay Matthews and Aaron Rodgers in the process.  In Thompson we trust.

In fact, now that I think about it, Jennings was actually our 5^th best receiver by the end of the season, behind Jordy Nelson, Randall Cobb, James Jones and Jermichael Decorean Finley.  Yes, that Jermichael Finley.  I don’t care what the rest of you have to say, I like the guy.  And if you’re too biased against him to notice that he played VERY well over the second half of the season, that’s your own damn fault.  Also, yesterday Jermichael tweeted that he plans on donating $500 to charity for every touchdown and dropped pass this season.  What charity, you ask?  One Fund for Boston.  Go ahead and boo him now, assholes. 

One last note about the NFL: I’m calling this right now.  The Vikings are going to draft Manti Te’o in the first round with the 23^rd or 25^th pick, and he is going to be an absolute disaster.  But hey, if you can’t be good, might as well be interesting, right?

On to college sports.  More specifically, the NCAA tournament.  Might as well get this out of the way right now: the UW Men’s team put on an embarrassing performance in the first round against Ole Miss.  It’s bad enough that they lost to a 12-seed, but the fact that we had to watch that cocky prick Marshall Henderson celebrate afterwards makes it even more humiliating.  But as was the case all season long, when we weren’t making three-pointers, we simply didn’t have another way to score consistently.  And I’m not sure when Ben Brust got the idea in his head that he should consistently shoot from four feet behind the three-point line (probably after that overtime Michigan game), but I don’t care if it’s Ray Allen taking the shot; it’s still a bad possession.  Anyways, with Josh Gasser coming back healthy and a full offseason for Sam Dekker to work on his low-post game, we should be pretty damn good next season.  Also, at long last the Curse of the Breuser is finally over.

Speaking of Badger sports, the spring football game was yesterday, giving us a chance to see Gary Andersen’s scheme in action for the first time in Madison.  A lot of pundits have written us off next season as the runner-up to Ohio State in the Leaders Division, but I really think we can give them a run for their money if we get consistent play at quarterback and wide receiver.  However, as optimistic as I may be about the future of Wisconsin football, there is no way in hell we’re going to be ready to compete with Alabama in two years.  Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but athletic director Barry “my stomach is only surpassed by my ego” Alvarez decided to schedule the defending BCS champs for our season opener in 2015.  In Dallas, Texas.  Right next door to Alabama.  Son of a bitch.  To put the matchup in perspective, I was in Florida for spring break a few weeks ago and met a couple of girls from the University of Alabama, leading to the following conversation:

Drunk Alabama girl 1: Hey, can you do us a favor?

Chode: Maybe.  What’s up?

Drunk Bama girl 2: Say “Roll Tide”

Chode: Nah, can’t do it.  Sorry.

Crimson Tramp 1: Come on, why not?

Chode: Well, I go to Wisconsin and we just scheduled a game against Alabama in football…

Crimson Tramp 2: (hysterical laughter)… WHAT!?!  Why would you do that to yourself??

Chode: Damn it…. roll tide.

‘Bama bitches:  WOOOOOO!!!!

Chode: Enjoy being unemployed

That’s alright though, I wasn’t planning on winning a national championship that soon anyways.  And hell, maybe the Nick Saban’s crew will get hit with some NCAA violations in the meantime to give us a fighting chance.  Speaking of NCAA violations, how about them Oregon Ducks?  Let me be the first to thank Chip Kelly and Willie Lyles for making the Wisconsin Badgers RETROACTIVE 2012 ROSE BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!!!  I demand one of those t-shirts that was mistakenly shipped to Africa. 

Now then.  Enough about football for this week.  Time to get to the main course, the final act of the 2012-2013 NBA season, the next chapter in the great American sport known as basketball, the prelude to round 2 of the Heat-Thunder rivalry, the LeBroncore, whatever you want to call it.  You all know why I’m writing this week; because my favorite basketball team is poised to capture another NBA title after a fantastic regular season.  Let’s break it down.

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER (60-22) VS HOUSTON ROCKETS (45-37)

I’m not going to waste any space going over the matchups in this series, because we all know that the Rockets will be lucky to win one game against a healthy OKC team.  What is important in this series though, is how badly James Harden wants to show the Thunder that they made a mistake in trading him before the season.  If you haven’t been paying attention, Harden has been absolutely spectacular this season, vaulting himself into first team All-NBA consideration and perhaps more importantly, outplaying Russell Westbrook.  And despite what his fearsome beard suggests, Harden is only 23 years old.  Twenty-fucking three!!  And he’s already one of the best players in the league!!  So if you’re Thunder GM Sam Presti, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TRADE HIM JUST TO SAVE  FEW (million) BUCKS!?!?  Don’t get me wrong, I still think Oklahoma City will win a championship eventually, I just know it would have happened a hell of a lot sooner if they hadn’t gotten rid of their second-best player.  Feel free to throw this back in my face if they beat Miami in the Finals. 

Oklahoma City in five

SAN ANTONIO SPURS (58-24) VS LOS ANGELES LAKERS (45-37)

Damn it, Kobe.  This could have been such an awesome series, then you had to go and fuck it all up with your stupid Achilles tendon.  In my semi-educated medical opinion, I think you’re milking it.  Suck it up and get back on the court, Mamba.  Also, it’s bullshit how this whole injury situation has turned you into a sympathetic figure.  Remember when LeBron, Wade and Bosh formed a superteam in Miami and everyone absolutely HATED them for it?  People were openly rooting for LeBron to tear his Achilles!  Double standard bullshit.  Regardless, there’s no way the Spurs are dropping this series to the 2^nd best team in Los Angeles.  Maybe next year, Dwight.

San Antonio in six

DENVER NUGGETS (57-25) VS GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (47-35)

Finally, a competitive series.  This one should be a lot of fun, considering that both teams like to play at a fast pace and shoot a ton of threes.  Also, I’ve forgiven Steph Curry for knocking the Badgers out of the NCAA tournament in 2008, and he’s now one of my favorite players to watch.  With that said, I think he’s going down like Q-bombs on Bowen Ct in this series, for one reason.  Do you know who had the best home-court record in the NBA this season?  Nope, not Miami.  Not OKC or San Antonio either.  The Denver Nuggets, at 38-3.  Thirty eight wins, three losses.  Good God.  Perhaps they have an unfair advantage playing a fast-paced game at altitude, and maybe they shouldn’t be the 3-seed with a losing home record, but hey, I don’t make the rules.  And the rules of basketball say that Golden State must lose in seven games to the Nuggets.

Denver in seven

LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS (56-26) VS MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES (56-26)

Yes.  Thank God, David Stern, Marc Gasol and Chris Paul for allowing this series to happen.  In case you missed it, the second-most entertaining series of last year’s playoffs happened in the first round between these two same teams.  I vividly remember watching game 1 between them, and turning the TV off at the start of the 4^th quarter when Memphis was blowing out the Clippers, only to find out the next day that Los Angeles had pulled off the largest comeback in NBA playoff history, coming from 27 points down to stun the Grizzlies.  I still haven’t forgiven myself.  So I’m watching every minute of every single game in this series and damn it, it better be awesome.  Also, there’s a legitimate chance of a brawl happening sometime in this series, because these two teams absolutely HATE each other.  As for who’s going to win?  Never bet against Chris Paul.

Los Angeles in seven

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

MIAMI HEAT (66-16) VS MILWAUKEE BUCKS (38-44)

Hehe.  Yes.  Yes, yes yes.  This is why I love the NBA.  So that after all the bullshit of the regular season is finally over, I can sit back and think about all of the glorious ways that my team is going to murder everyone in their path to a third NBA title.  To be completely honest, it wouldn’t have mattered which team you threw at the Heat in the first round, they’re just that much better than the rest of the conference.  You could put together an Eastern Conference All-Star team (minus the Heat), put them up against Miami in a seven game series… and the Heat would win in five or six.  They have lost exactly two games since February 1^st.  Two games.  In fact, I’m not sure how they managed to drop 16 all season.  At one point, LeBron and company won 27 games in a row.  That’s more wins that the Charlotte Bobcats have had over the past two years.  That means nearly 20 million people were born in between the time the Heat lost two basketball games.  That shit cray.  But as crazy as it was, it’s not nearly as batshit-insane as what Brandon Jennings of the Milwaukee Bucks told the media yesterday: “we’re going to win in six”.  Six… years, Brandon?  Maybe, if you’re lucky.  Because there’s no way in hell Milwaukee takes more than one game this series.  And honestly, I can’t even see Miami letting this series get past game 4 in Milwaukee, where I’ll be watching from section 105, row FF, seat 6.  Oh, did I forget to mention that?  Yup, that’s right.  I’m going to watch Erik Spoelstra’s crew in their eighth victory of a TWENTY-GAME PLAYOFF WINNING STREAK (counting four last season in the Finals).  Which, you know isn’t that big of a deal, unless you take into consideration that I’ll be getting to watch the best player OF ALL TIME IN HIS PRIME destroy the Bucks in the Bradley Center.  And you better believe I’ll be wearing Heat gear.  Suck it, Milwaukee.  Also, I made a bet with one of my med school buddies: if the Bucks win, I have to name my first child Larry Sanders, and if (when) the Heat win, he has to name his first kid Birdman.  By the way, shame on the Bucks for trying so desperately to make the playoffs this year, when they should have been doing the sensible thing and tanking for a lottery pick instead.

Now, I know there are more than a few of you who are probably confused by my continued support of the Miami Heat, even when they’re on the verge of knocking out one of the original pro sports teams from my beloved home state of Wisconsin.  But after you’re done calling me a traitor and a bandwagon fan (whatever that means), hear me out.  After all, it’s Milwaukee’s own fault that I’m a Heat fan.  You see, when I first started watching basketball as a young-impressionable 13-year old, I was (and it deeply pains me to type this), a Marquette fan.  For some reason, the Golden Eagles’ fast-paced, high-flying style of play appealed to me more than Bo Ryan’s stagnant, clogged-toilet offensive “system”.  And when 13-year old me watched as Dwyane Wade carried Marquette to the final four, tea-bagging Keith Bogans and the rest of the Kentucky Wildcats along the way, I told myself “I am rooting for whatever team drafts that man”.  Later that year, the Bucks decided not to trade up for Wade in the draft, and instead selected T.J. Ford three picks later.  The rest is history.

Miami in four

NEW YORK KNICKS (54-28) VS BOSTON CELTICS (41-40)

So I thought about this one for a while, and I decided that it would be rude, tasteless and immature to make a cheap joke about the tragedies that have occurred in Boston this week.  Regardless of my general disdain for the Celtics, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the response the city of Boston had to the bombings last weekend was both heroic and inspiring.  After all, I’ve ran a couple of marathons myself, and I was absolutely amazed when I heard that following the race, many runners kept going for TWO MORE MILES to the closest hospital in order to donate blood.  Incredible.  And if you haven’t had a chance to watch the YouTube video of the Boston Bruins crowd singing the Star Spangled Banner on Wednesday night, stop reading this and go watch it now.  If that doesn’t make you proud to live in this country, nothing will.  ‘MERICA!! Now, with that being said, I think New York takes this series, because basketball isn’t a game of emotion.  It’s a game of skill and athleticism, two categories where the Knicks outclass the Celtics by some distance.  And I hate to say it because New York is probably the biggest threat to Miami in the East, but they’re about to blow Boston out like the four-hour finish-line crowd.  Whoops.

New York in six

INDIANA PACERS (49-32) VS ATLANTA HAWKS (44-38)

I can’t help but feel like both of these teams have fallen into the same trap: not good enough to contend for a title, but not shitty enough to contend for a lottery pick either.  However, as you might remember from last year’s Eastern Conference Semifinals, the Pacers can do a passable job of imitating a real contender when they’re sufficiently motivated.  On the other hand, the Hawks are a perfect example of everything that the casual fan hates about the NBA: a group of highly-talented, overpaid athletes that could probably contend for a title if they were sufficiently motivated and intelligent enough to play smart, team-oriented basketball.  And believe it or not, I think this is one of the few series in the NBA playoffs where effort, discipline and defense will prevail over pure talent.  Also, I can’t wait to watch the Pacers play the Knicks in the second round.  And seeing how I correctly predicted the outcome of 13 out of 15 matchups in last year’s playoffs, just trust me when I tell you that Indiana is taking this one, and remember the cardinal rule of betting on NBA playoffs: Never Trust the Hawks.  Place your bets accordingly.

Indiana in six

BROOKLYN NETS (49-33) VS CHICAGO BULLS (45-37)

Hey, remember two years ago when people thought that Derrick Rose was a better basketball player than LeBron James?  Haha.  Good joke, Chicago.  Part of me is actually hoping that the Bulls will win this series, just so the Heat can exact revenge for the streak-ending loss they suffered in Chicago last month, but let’s be honest.  The highlight of poor Chicago’s season was beating Miami once during the regular season.  And after they get knocked out in the first round for the second year in a row, maybe Derrick will finally return at full strength and reclaim his place as the fourth-best point guard in the NBA behind Chris Paul, James Harden and Russell Westbrook.  But I doubt it, simply because I think Rose has lost faith in his own abilities.  It’s been nearly a full calendar year since Rose tore his ACL, and despite watching Adrian Peterson return from the exact same injury to become the best player in the NFL, Rose has yet to suit up for a game, despite being cleared by multiple team doctors.  If he had half the heart that Chicago fans think he does, the Bulls would win this series.  But he doesn’t.  So the Nets will advance.

Nets in five

BREAKING NEWS (sort of): The Big Ten has just announced that the conference divisions will be realigned starting in 2014, with the East and West divisions replacing the Leaders and Legends.  The East will consist of Wisconsin, Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, Illinois, Northwestern and Purdue, while the teams in the west West division will be Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State, Michigan State, Maryland, Rutgers and Indiana.  First of all, I think I speak for everyone when I say it’s about damn time we renamed the divisions.  Good riddance.  Secondly, I think Wisconsin caught a major break here being separated from Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State.  For the forseeable future, the winner of the Wisconsin-Nebraska game should be headed to the Big Ten Championship game.

A bit of trivia before we wrap it up this week: who is the only NBA player to have his jersey hanging from the rafters in Milwaukee’s Bradley Center?  I’ll give you a hint: it’s not Brandon Jennings.  The answer is Miami’s very own Dwyane Wade, who will be playing an instrumental role in ending the Bucks’ season over the next week.  In fact, when the Heat inevitably retire Wade’s jersey in American Airlines arena, he’ll become only the third player in the history of the league to have his jersey hanging from the rafters of two different NBA arenas (after Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who was retired by both the Bucks and Lakers, and Michael Jordan, who had his jersey retired by the Chicago Bulls and bizzarely enough, the Miami Heat as well).

Welp, I think that’s all he wrote this week.  If you’re reading this on Blogger, I want to invite you to join the Chode Picks Facebook group, purely for the purpose of stroking my already-inflated ego.  As for the rest of you already in the group, if you’re sick of listening to me, go ahead and leave the group.  Or deal with it and pass me a beer.

- Chode Out. 

Chode Picks – Season Finale

Friends and family, boys and girls, good citizens of Madison, Menomonie, Oshkosh and beyond, welcome to the final edition of Chode Picks for the 2012-2013 NFL season.  I come to you from my humble abode on 1206 Bowen Ct, in a weakened, sorry state as we kick off the Conference Championship weekend.  A combination of a devastating Packer loss, a loaded week of classes and nearly six full days of sobriety have sapped me of my usual vigor on this particular Friday night, but I feel more than obligated to all of you to put together one last viciously wonderful edition of the Chode Picks before I sign off for the season.  As of right now, my brain is clogged with a slew of memorized arteries, veins, muscles, disease pathologies, physiological equations and other useless minutiae that I hope to erase from my mind over the course of the weekend in order to best serve the interests of this blog.  So bear with me if I seem a little sluggish as we get started this weekend.  I promise to write until my brain is as empty as Manti Teo’s girlfriend, my mind is as broken as Lance Armstrong’s credibility, and my hands are as useless as the Packers’ run defense.  Let’s get to it.

First off, an apology.  Last week I said a lot of mean, hurtful things about the San Francisco 49ers, and it’s pretty obvious that afterwards they made it their mission to ruin my Saturday night in response.  Touche.  Even after starting the game with a defensive touchdown, my beloved Packers simply had no answer for the 49ers’ tough, physical style of play.  It reminded me a lot of the Rose Bowl in that my team looked outmatched from the start across the line of scrimmage.  Now against Stanford, this could be attributed to a disparity of talent between the two teams, but in the NFL, especially in the playoffs, that excuse doesn’t fly.  The Packers are loaded with young talent, and there’s no team in the league that should be able to manhandle us like that.  So I think most of the blame for the loss needs to be put on the coaching staff.  Whatever the dumbass defensive scheme was that Dom Capers decided to run against Colin Kaepernick, tear it out of the playbook, light it on fire and piss on the ashes.  Offensively, we’re doing just fine, and if all of our linemen can stay healthy next season we should continue to have one of the best passing attacks in the league.  But I think that this offseason Capers and McCarthy need to sit down and evaluate what needs to change in practice in order to get our defense to play as fast and as physical as San Francisco’s.  That’s the only barrier standing between us and another Super Bowl.  And no, I’m not going to go along with the knee-jerk “fire Dom Capers” sentiment that so many Packer fans seem to have adopted.  Remember, it was just two years ago that the best scoring defense in the league led us to a championship.  The pieces are all there, and it’s only a matter of time before they all come together again. 

Despite last weekend’s devastating loss however, I have to consider the 2012 season a success on the whole.  A 12-6 record, an NFC North division title and a playoff victory would be considered a fantastic season for most fan bases.  However, I can’t help but feel like every season we have with Aaron Rodgers in his prime is an opportunity for a Super Bowl, and it would be a shame if we only got one title out of him (am I right, Viking fans?).  Whatever.  We’ll be back.

On a lighter note, at least I’m not a Broncos fan.  In case you missed it, the #1 seed in the AFC somehow managed to blow a home road game in altitude after Peyton Manning threw away the season (and probably an MVP award) with an overtime interception, depriving us of the much-anticipated Brady-Manning AFC Championship game.  Apparently the only way you can get Peyton to deliver in the playoffs is to call Papa John’s.  By the way, do you know who’s won more playoff games for Denver than Manning?  That’s right…

TEEEEEEEEEEEEBOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I’ve been waiting all season for that.  Damn you, Rex Ryan. 

Anyways, there’s one other group of people that I owe an apology: the UW Men’s Basketball team.  You may recall that earlier this season I wrote the team off as too slow, too unathletic and just not good enough to win consistently in the Big Ten.  After a 4-0 start in the conference season, punctuated with a win over #2 Indiana at Assembly Hall (ranked by ESPN as the second-toughest place to play in America), I stand corrected.  My bad.  As has been the case for his entire career, Bo Ryan continues to prove his critics wrong by getting the most out of the limited talent on his roster.  It’ll be interesting to see how this team does in the NCAA tournament.  On Wisconsin.

Ah, shit.  Literally three hours after I wrote the above paragraph, the basketball team went into Iowa City and played their worst game of the season, giving up 70 points to the Iowa Fucking Hawkeyes after holding Indiana to 59 four nights earlier.  Are you kidding me?  We just lost to the ONLY team in the Big Ten that’s slower and less athletic than us by scoring a whopping 18 points in the first half.  Eighteen damn points.  Now, I’m terrible at basketball, but I’m pretty sure I could launch half-court shots for 20 minutes and score more than that.  I retract my earlier apology. 

I’ll write some more about basketball later, but I should probably get to today’s NFL games before they’re over.  First up…

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME:

SAINT FRANCISCO’S GOLD PROSPECTORS OF 1848 (12-4-1) at ATLANTA BIRDS OF WAR (14-3)

The 4^th quarter of this game just started off with Atlanta clinging to a 3-point lead over the Niners in a shootout between Matt Ryan and Colin Kaepernick, who recently became my least favorite person on Earth, narrowly edging out Skip Bayless and Joe Buck.  Did I mention that Kapernick is originally from Milwaukee?  I hate Milwaukee.  Except for the Brewers.  And Summerfest.  Other than that, it’s just a less disgusting version of Chicago, which I suppose is like being a less stupid version of Ke$ha.  Not a compliment.  Anyways, I’m picking San Fran to win this one because Matt Ryan can’t seem to hang on to the damn ball.  HEY MATTY, ARE YOUR HANDS SLIPPERY BECAUSE OF ALL THAT ICE!?!?!?! Bahahaha.  Bad joke.

49ers by 4

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME:

BALTIMORE’S EDGAR ALLEN POE (12-6) at BOSTON’S TEA PARTY (13-4)

Kind of a no-win situation for New England here.  On one hand, if they lose to Baltimore, they have to live with the fact that Joe Flacco knocked them out of the playoffs all offseason.  On the other hand, if they win everyone knows it’s because of the rampant cheating they’ve been up to for the past decade or so, and then they get to lose another Super Bowl to the 49ers (at which point Alex Smith will presumably jump off of the Golden Gate Bridge).  Hooray.  I guess I gotta pick the Patriots here though, since Emperor Belichick always seems to win these games, and despite losing Rob GRONKowski, New England’s playoff offense always seems to fit together seamlessly, unlike this transition.

Patriots by 7

Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Lance Armstrong is a cheater!!!  Nobody?  Yeah, me neither.  If anything, I’m surprised that he decided to come clean at all.  But props to him for being man enough to face the music after decades of deception.  I still think he’s an inspiration, mostly because he went up against a slew of other riders that were doped to the gills, and dominated their sorry European asses for seven years in a row.  And the whole cancer thing too.  But I will agree with what he told Oprah this week, “I am a deeply flawed person”.  Unfortunately, most world-class cyclists are.  For some perspective, I used to work in a lab where we gave the performance-enhancing drug EPO to rats to treat iron deficiency, and doing a little research about the drug gives you an idea of how hard it is to catch the cheaters.  In fact, just a few years ago the International Olympic committee designed a study where they took a group of endurance athletes, purposely gave half of them EPO, and randomly tested both groups for the banned substance.  The experiment failed miserably, with no significant difference found between the groups.  To put it simply, doping techniques are light-years ahead of testing techniques, and that’s probably not going to change anytime soon.  By the way, I’d just like to clarify that the timing of my two marathons correlating with the part of my life where I had access to EPO and an unlimited supply of needles is purely a coincidence.  Trust me.  Hey, speaking of liars…

Props to Ronaiah Tuiasosopo (also known as Lennay Kekua) for pulling a fast one on the entire country, creating and then killing off a fake girl that nearly won Manti Te’o the Hesiman trophy in December.  After reading most of the interview that Te’o gave yesterday, there are only three possibilities in my mind about how this happened. 

1)   Manti Te’o is the most naïve person in the world

2)   Manti Te’o is a sneaky, conniving bastard who nearly tricked us into giving him college football’s most prestigious award out of sympathy, or…

3)   Manti Te’o is a homosexual, and was pulling off the most ridiculously over-the-top cover up in modern history

So I’m not really sure where I stand on this one.  I either feel sorry for the guy (if he’s really that gullible), am kinda disgusted by him (if he’s a pathological liar), or don’t really give a damn (if he’s gay).  Either way, some team is going to waste a top-10 draft pick on him in April, and regret it almost immediately.  On that note, I hope I’m done writing about Notre Dame for the next lifetime or so. 

Well, now that I’ve covered the most recent wave of sports scandal, I’d like to direct you to something far more worthy of your attention.  You see, in this era of cheats and liars, there’s one athlete that’s been a model of honesty and consistency since day one.  Through the good times and the bad, his dependability has given us a shining example of everything good about sports.  He’s the greatest athlete on the planet, hardworking, humble (usually), and talented as hell, the Sportsman of the Year, LeBron Mothaf***ing James.  That’s right, we’re going there.  Since the only team worth watching in the NFL stopped playing last week and still nobody cares about hockey, I’ve switched to full-on NBA fan mode.  I’m gonna try to make one last pitch here for why you should watch the NBA this season, for the following reasons:

-       You live in America.  This is our sport.  We invented it, and we can’t afford to let the Europeans steal it, so pay attention, damn it

-       Offseason rule changes have dramatically decreased the amount of flopping this season

-       Free throws are also at their lowest in the past decade, meaning faster pace and less game stoppages

-       Love him or hate him, you get to watch the best player of all time IN HIS PRIME!!

-       Along with LeBron, Chris Paul and Kevin Durant are also both putting together MVP-worthy seasons

-       The Clippers (!!!) stealing Los Angeles from the Lakers

-       The Bucks actually aren’t that bad, and they should make the playoffs

-       If all else fails, you can root against Miami just to spite me

-       It’ll distract you from an offseason of being forced to watch the 49ers’ Super Bowl highlights (I guess instead of a Super Bowl victory, I’ll be forced to settle for an NBA title… again)

Shout out to my friend Biceli, who celebrated her 21^st birthday on Friday night.  And by “celebrated”, I mean “drank way too much, threw up all over at 11:00PM and didn’t make it to the bars”.  Maybe next year.  Fortunately, the rest of us had fun without you.  And despite my best efforts to hide my computer from my drunken self, I managed to write a good portion of this edition that night.  Consider it my birthday present.

Well, I think that wraps it up for the season.  Time for me to start studying for exams again (Yeah that’s right.  All of you undergrad jerks haven’t even started classes yet, and our first round of exams starts in eight days.  Sorry, I’ll stop bitching now).  I want to thank you all for putting up with me for another season through the highs and lows, my immature jokes, narcissistic rants, horribly biased predictions and everything else that goes into the Chode Picks.  I’d also like to announce that I plan on returning to write again next season, despite all of the horror stories I’ve been told about the second year of medical school.  We’ll see how it goes.  And if I’m not too busy this summer, I might come back and write about the NBA Playoffs again like I did last year, provided you still want to read about them.  Let me know. 

Until next season…

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Divisional Playoffs

And we’re back!  Another week, another glorious edition of the Chode Picks for your reading pleasure.  It’s been eight days since we last met, and as you might recall, I was in kind of a shitty mood last week due to the combined failures of the Badgers in the Rose Bowl and the Packers in their week 17 game.  Fortunately, my boy Aaron and his brothers did more than enough to get me out of my funk by winning their way to a date with San Francisco tonight after beating the hell out those purple jackasses from Minnesota.  Hold on a second.  I want to savor this…

THE VIKINGS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  THE VIKINGS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!  JOE WEBB’S ARM IS MADE OUT OF COOKED SPAGHETTI!!  CHARLES WOODSON IS BACK!!  DUJUAN HARRIS HAD MORE YARDS THAN ADRIAN PETERSON!!  AARON RODGERS IS KEYSER SOZE!!  MINNESOTA, CHICAGO AND NEW YORK HAVE ALL BEEN ELIMINATED!!  UP YOURS, MINNEAPOLIS!!  YABBA DABBA DOO!!

Whew.  Hold on a second, I need to go change my pants.

Alright, we’re good.  I’m assuming that you all watched the fantastic performance that Green Bay put on last weekend (and if you didn’t, get the hell out of here, right now), so there’s really no need for me to state the obvious, but I’m going to anyways because it makes me smile: I was completely right about the MVP.  If that game didn’t prove how much more valuable a good quarterback is than any running back, I don’t know what will.  Consider that despite having one of the greatest running backs of all time, the Vikings only managed ten points (seven of them coming in garbage time), mostly because the guy behind center didn’t have the ability to throw deep.  Or short.  You know your franchise is in trouble when your fans are saying things like “I really wish Christian Ponder was playing tonight in Lambeau”.  Brutal.  On the other hand, the silver lining for Viking fans is that eventually Joe Webb is going to perfect that bounce pass and become unstoppable in the Canadian Football League (which is where the team will end up when their stadium deal falls through again).  By the way, those of you that I sent mocking texts to after the game, you’re welcome.  You should feel honored that I took time out of my victory celebrations to taunt you.  Sucks to suck.

Anyways, I’ll get to the Packer-49er game in a minute, but I want to tell you about the other reasons that it’s been a great week.  First and foremost, I finally got the hell out of Western Wisconsin and came back to the greatest city in the world, Madison, WI (Sorry, Mom and Dad.  It’s nothing against you).  Secondly, you probably didn’t notice, but I went a perfect 4-for-4 on my wildcard picks last week, which means if you bet on the games like I told you to, you probably owe me a beer or two.  You’re welcome.  Last but not least, I discovered a very profitable hidden talent that will serve me well for the rest of my life: roulette.  You see, on the way back to Madison from Menomonie last Sunday, I stopped in at one of our state’s fabulous Indian casinos to kill time while my brother checked out a wedding convention (Yes, he’s getting married.  Don’t ask me why.)  In less than half an hour of gaming, I made a tidy profit of $20 on an investment of just $5.  Now if my math is correct, that comes out to approximately $40 an hour, which in a 40-hour work week translates to $80,000 a year, TAX-FREE!  I think I’ve found my calling.  So, effective immediately, I’m quitting this whole “med school” thing to become a professional gambler and magician.  Wish me luck. 

Alright, time to get to the picks.  I would apologize for being late this week, but I’ve been a little distracted for the past couple of days.  I’m not sorry.  Also, I finished this entire edition in less than an hour and a half.  Pretty damn proud of it.

AMERICAN FOOTBALL CONFERENCE:

BALTIMORE RAVENS (11-6) at DENVER BRONCOS (13-3)

This is kind of cheating since the game has already started and Denver is up by 7, but let’s be honest; nobody was picking the Ravens anyways.  It’s nice that they could get a win last week for Ray Lewis’s last home game, but we all know that the Broncos are the much better…. Holy shit.  Baltimore just scored on a bomb to Torrey Smith.  Hold the phone, we might have a game here.  Still though, I’m picking Denver, if only because the thought of a Peyton Manning-Tom Brady AFC championship is too compelling to resist.  The only thing I’d love more would be watching Aaron Rodgers lead us to a Super Bowl win over Manning’s Broncos, just to prove that he would have succeeded where Brett Favre failed and led us to a title over Elway’s Broncos in 1998. 

Broncos by 6

HOUSTON TEXANS (13-4) at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (12-4)

Remember what I said about the Manning-Brady matchup in the previous paragraph?  Forget it.  I just remembered that I picked Houston to make the Super Bowl last week, so now I’m stuck with the Texans.  Damn it.  This is what happens when I drink a fifth of Canadian whiskey before I start writing.  Here’s hoping Watt and company can do to Tom Brady what the Seahawks did to RG3 last week. 

Texans by 4

Wow, Baltimore just scored again.  And… hold on, am I reading this correctly?  Peyton Manning threw a pick-six!?!?  What the hell is going on???

NATIONAL FOOTBALL CONFERENCE:

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (12-5) at ATLANTA FALCONS (13-3)

Somehow, incredibly the Falcons are only favored by 2.5 points in this game, despite having a week of rest, the most impressive regular season in the NFC, and playing against a rookie quarterback at home.  Too easy.  I know everyone here at UW wants Russell Wilson to keep winning, but the truth is, Matt Ryan is better.  Don’t be an idiot. Just bet on Atlanta, take the free money and thank me later.  And regardless of who wins this game, either the Packers or 49ers are going to the Super Bowl instead anyways. 

Falcons by 10

GREEN BAY PACKERS (12-5) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (11-4-1)

Yes.  I’ve been waiting for this game all week.  It makes me giggle, thinking about all of the dirty things Rodgers is going to do to the Niners’ secondary.  I know he’s been waiting for this matchup ever since San Francisco passed on him with the #1 pick in the 2005 draft.  The real question is, how many “eff-you” touchdowns does he throw tonight?  Four?  Five?  Six?  Colin Has-no-dick and his merry band of jackoffs over at Candlestick Park have approximately the same chance as a snowball in a cagefight against Mike Tyson in hell.  For the past two decades, the Packers have been consistent winners, while the 49ers have been losers.  Don’t expect that to change tonight.

Aaron be nimble, Aaron be quick, Aaron tears up Candlestick. (thanks Brandon)

Packers by 14

Damn it, it is January 12^th, WHY DOES CHRISTMAS MUSIC STILL COME UP ON MY SPOTIFY RADIO??

I’d like to take a moment to congratulate the new kings of college football, who put on a dominating display last week on their way to a national championship.  No, I’m not talking about Alabama.  Or Ohio State.  Notre Dame?  Get the fuck out.  I’m talking about the REAL college football champions, the North Dakota State Bison, who captured their second FCS title in a row last Saturday.  For those of you who aren’t up on your college football, the FCS is the division that actually has a playoff.  Unfortunately for NDSU though, their victory celebrations were tempered by the stark reality that they had to go back and live in North Dakota afterwards.  Sioux Suck.

As for Alabama and Notre Dame, I’m glad we can all finally stop pretending that the Fighting Irish deserved to be in the title game.  There was a moment after Alabama went up by 28 when I legitimately wondered if Notre Dame would be the first team to drop from #1 to unranked after their bowl game.  Sorry, Kenne.  I like Rudy too, but let’s be realistic; they would have finished fourth or fifth in the SEC.  Also, the nickname “Fighting Irish”, in addition to being completely racist, doesn’t make sense when you realize that the University of Notre Dame is named after a church IN FRANCE.  Hey, speaking of France…

Lance Armstrong cheated.  Son of a bitch, I wanted to believe in him.  Whatever, he’s still a hero.  I feel like if you beat cancer, you should be allowed to cheat a little bit.  LiveStrong.

Our quote of the week, from the reigning NFL MVP, comes from back in 2005 after the 1^st round of the NFL Draft…

Reporter: Aaron, how disappointed are you that you will not be a 49er?

Rodgers: Not as disappointed as the 49ers will be that they didn’t draft me.

Brass.  Balls.

 - Chode Out.