Chode Picks – Week 4 (I think)

‘Sup?  Welcome back to the Chode Picks, for what I’m pretty sure is the fourth week of the NFL season.  It’s currently Thursday night, because I felt obligated to get an earlier start on the Picks than last week, and because it was one of those nights where I got tired of studying and said to myself “You know what?  Fuck it.  I’m gonna go get drunk in my sauna”.  Yes, I have a sauna in my basement.  And a pool table.  Don’t ask me why, because I still live on campus.  It makes no sense.  But I guess that’s one of the few perks of being a medical student; the further you get from undergrad campus, the nicer the houses are, and the cheaper the rent is.  Of course, it follows that you’re miles away from any of the fun bars (the ones packed with drunk twenty year olds), but that’s the price you (not you actually, but third person you) pay.  But enough about my old, boring life.  I’ll get to more of that later.  Time to kickoff the Chode Picks with the premier matchup of the week.  The date that I circled on the calendar when the schedule first came out, because it was crucial to our championship aspirations.  The one that Wisconsin has been waiting for all season…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

What, did you think I was talking about the Ohio State game?  Don’t be silly.  This is it.  The week that determines our fate in the 2013 NFL season.  Simply put, we cannot afford to go down 1-3 against Detroit next week, so we need absolutely need this extra time off to get healthy.  Come week four, one of two things is going to happen.  Either Morgan Burnett, Casey Hayward and Clay Matthews will get healthy enough to help us stomp the Lions and get back into NFC North contention, or they’ll stay sidelined and watch as we fall out of the playoff race.  It might seem a bit dramatic, but it’s true.  That’s just how much parity exists in the NFL.  Truth be told, the Vikings are already out of it with three losses and Christian Plunger at quarterback.  And I don’t know who Green Bay’s team physician is, but I swear when I get there, I’ll do everything humanly possible to keep us in winning shape.  In the immortal words of Joe LaBuda, “we’ll leave no stone uncovered”.  Hey, speaking of Joe…

GREEN BAY by DEFAULT

MENOMONIE INDIANS (5-0) at RICE LAKE WARRIORS (3-2)

Yeah, we’re going there.  It’s been a few years since I’ve paid attention to my old high school football team, but they’ve earned a mention in the Chode Picks with their performance at the halfway point of the season.  Check out the final scores of their first five games:

Menomonie 42  Tomah 0

Menomonie 23  Merrill 0

Menomonie 36  Chippewa Falls 0

Menomonie 21  Eau Claire Memorial 0

Menomonie 38  River Falls 0

That’s right.  My alma mater has played five full games, 300 minutes of football, without giving up a single damn point.  Perhaps more impressively, they haven’t missed a single extra point all season (for those of you not from my hometown, an extra point is to Menomonie Football as a Hail Mary is to Wisconsin Football: we always get fucked over).  But that’s not what matters.  The point is, I couldn’t tell you the name of a single player on this team, but for the first time in six years, I’m going to be paying attention to a high school football team.  Don’t let me down, you seventeen year-old freaks. 

MENOMONIE 21  RICE LAKE 0

Okay, fine.  I’ll write about the Badger game now.

WISCONSIN BADGERS (3-1*) at OHIO STATE BUCKEYES (4-0)

I’ve been trying all week to think of a way to spin this one for UW.  Maybe our kickass run game can keep it up against Urban Meyer’s super-talented defense.  Maybe our front seven can keep Braxton Miller in check like they did last year in Camp Randall.  Maybe we can count on Kyle French to make a clutch field goal or two.  Maybe this week Joel Stave will be able to hit a wide-open receiver after a play-action fake.  And if all of those things happen, unfortunately I still see us losing a close game in Columbus.  The truth is, our secondary is just too damn inexperienced to hold up against Ohio State’s vicious passing attack.  Coming into this year, everyone knew that our pass defense would be our Achilles heel, and it’s been blatantly obvious over the past two weeks.  Despite stellar play from Dezmen Southward and Peniel Jean, we’ve gotten torched through the air by Purdue and that fucking team from Tempe that will not be mentioned by name.  It almost makes me miss Marcus Cromartie and Devin Smith (just kidding.  No matter how bad our secondary is, I could not be more glad to get rid of Smith.  Giant douchebag).  And despite the continued brilliance of James White, Jared Abbrederis, Chris Borland and backup RB #25, I think we’re losing this game.  Thankfully, I’ll be watching this game in a cocoon of alcohol-induced bliss on Saturday, which will help distract me from the fact that we’re headed for the Capital One Bowl.

OHIO STATE by 10

As for the aforementioned state of drunken happiness, you might be asking yourself “How is that different from any other Badger gameday?”  Well if you must know, this Saturday is a very special day in my life.  You see, my only brother Evan Quilling is getting married to an amazing girl in Menomonie that afternoon, and I’m more excited for that than I have been for any football game since Super Bowl XLV.  And since I know he reads the Chode Picks from time to time, let me be the first to say congratulations, brother.  It takes a lot for me to get emotional while writing the Chode Picks, but you did it.  May you and Robin have nothing but the greatest marriage in the world.  And since you’re lucky enough to possess half of my DNA, please pass it on to as many children (boys, preferably) as humanly possible. 

Now, with that being said, I fully expect a few of my friends reading this to crash the reception.  7:30 PM in the Great Hall at UW-Stout.  Tell the doorman that you read the Chode Picks.  Dress nice. 

Quick sidenote:  As long as we’re on the topic of my family, a couple of years ago after a rough night of drinking back home, my mother told me “you know Alex, alcoholism runs in both sides of our family”. 

…

That.  Explains.  A lot.

Damn it.  Time for me to write about more football so I can get rid of the warm, fuzzy feeling the previous section gave me. 

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (0-3) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-3)

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, this game is being played in London.  I assume it’s part of the NFL’s scheme to make sure football never spreads to Europe by having two of the worst teams in the league play a game in England every year.  Otherwise, they might be preparing Viking fans for the inevitable move across the Atlantic when their stadium deal falls through and the franchise gets relocated to the U.K.  Regardless, I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that some soccer club will give Adrian Peterson a chance to play with real athletes and he’ll be starring for some Champions League team soon.  So I’m picking the Steelers.  After all, wins are like trampolines: Christian Plunker doesn’t have any.

PITTSBURGH by 1

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (3-0) vs LIVIN’ MILE HIGH, GETTING’ DEZZY (1-2)

Yes, that’s my team name this week.  Kiddie Kiddie Bang Bang: a tribute to Jerry Sandusky.  No, these jokes never get old.  And to be honest, I changed it as part of a tribute to my Tuesday night trivia team.  You see, for the past year and a half at Chaser’s Bar and Grille (second greatest bar in the world behind Tiki Bob’s), we’ve been trying to come up with a team name that was offensive enough to get us kicked out of the bar.  We’ve tried everything; Holocaust jokes, 9/11 jokes, jokes about Trayvon Martin, you name it.  There was no line we hadn’t crossed, until this past Tuesday.  So we went all-out and threw down the name “Shooty Shooty Die Die: a documentary of Sandy Hook Elementary”.  Tastless?  Maybe.  But so is water, and I used that joke last week.  And to our chagrin, we didn’t get tossed from the bar.  Just a few distasteful glances from the staff and a promise that “there’s NO WAY you’re getting any more shots”.  Damn it.  You win, Chasers.  But don’t think we won’t try again.  Also, I’m probably winning again this week in fantasy.  Don’t ask me how. 

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (lol) by 7

Two more thoughts before I go to sleep

-       You’re damn right I correctly used two semicolons this week.  Let’s see you pull that off, Radcliffe.

-       If this video doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you don’t have a soul.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 3

I’m sorry.  It’s late Sunday afternoon and I’m just now posting the Chode Picks.  This is embarrassing.  But after accepting my deepest apologies, hear me out.  It’s been a hell of a weekend.  Want to hear about it?  No?  Too damn bad.  I was going to try to get these out on Thursday night, but life threw me a curveball when I found out that my good buddy and longtime reader Andy Graves was back in Madison for one night and one night only.  This left me with quite the conundrum, since I had class at 8 AM the next day.  I was left with two choices: either go out for a few drinks, head home early and act like a responsible adult the next morning, or suck it up, pretend I’m still in undergrad, go balls-to-the-wall and show up to school smelling like cheap liquor the next afternoon.  I’ll let you guess which path I chose. 

Anyways, I barely made it out of bed in time for my 2 PM blood donation appointment (because you know, I’m a good Samaritan and all that).  After that, I had just enough time to take my online cardiovascular pathology quiz (aced it, by the way) and eat dinner before it was time to help my beautiful girlfriend celebrate her 21^st birthday.  Yes, 21^st.  Go ahead and make your cradle-robbing jokes now.  I’ll wait.

Waiting…

Done?  Good.  Anyways, the next day was the Wisconsin-Purdue game here in Madison (more on that game later), so needless to say I didn’t accomplish much.  So here I sit on Sunday, with the crushing hangover of a three-day bender cramping my style.  And again, I’m sorry.  But I don’t think you guys appreciate how hard it is for me not to come home when I’m hammered and simply write “Jay Cutler is a FAAAAAAAAAGGGG!!!” and post it on the Chode Picks. 

So with that out of the way, on to college football.  First and foremost, last Saturday’s game.  And there’s really only one thing to be said…

Kyle French would have shanked it anyways.  That’s all I have to say.  About the Badgers, the Pac-12 referees, the stupid fucking Sun Devils and the travesty that went down in Tempe last Saturday night.  I apologize if you’re still upset.  Or if you’re French.  Or if you enjoy French dressing.  Or if by some bizarre stretch of my imagination, you’re Kyle French himself.  I’m sorry, but this is the only way for me to cope.  I’m just going to go to my not-so-happy place and imagine that Joel Stave took a knee, plain and obvious for everyone in the stadium to see, handed the ball to the ref, who then cleanly spotted it.  After which of course, Stave spiked the damn ball with four seconds left as the Wisconsin field goal unit ran onto the field.  Then, as the ball was snapped, with a million hearts in the collective throat of Madison, Wisconsin, placekicker Kyle French then hooked an easy field goal wide right to end the game.  Wisconsin loses another heartbreaker, and I can go to sleep somewhat easily knowing that we were beaten fairly by those stupid, spoiled, sun-tanned bitches from Arizona State.

All personal bias aside though, the officiating at the end of that game will go down as one of the great mysteries of my life, alongside whatever makes people want to live in Minnesota and the meaning of Stonehenge.  Fortunately though, Arizona State is not a Big Ten team and the “loss” has little to no effect on the Badgers chances of winning a fourth consecutive Big Ten title.  The long odds against that still hinge primarily on our game in Columbus next week against the best football team in Ohio. See what I did there?  I suggested that the Ohio State Buckeyes would beat the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals (editor’s note: this was written before the Packer game on Sunday.  Damn it).  But I’ll write more about the Browns and their blatant attempt to throw away the 2013 season later.  This paragraph is for college football.  And there were three things that happened yesterday that made me very happy:

First and foremost, Wisconsin rebounded to kick the shit out of Purdue in Camp Randall.  Depsite Joel Stave’s continued inability to throw an accurate spiral, the Badgers were able to roll up enough yards on the ground to put the Boilermakers away without any real difficulty.  Credit the offensive line for opening up more holes than a Hustler magazine, propelling James White and Melvin Gordon to their third and fourth 100-yard games of the season, respectively.  At this point, it seems like only a matter of time before Gordon breaks into the Heisman race, something that nobody would have predicted last season.  Oh wait, that’s right.  I totally called it last December after the Big Ten Championship massacre of Nebraska.  The dude is damn near impossible to tackle.  Slippery like your platelets after taking aspirin, and more powerful than the hundreds of ancient Norwegians it must have taken to build Stonehenge.  Also, I’m pretty sure he wants to bang my girlfriend.  But other than that he’s great.  Gordon for Heisman. 

Secondly, Bret Bielema’s Arkansas team fell to lowly Rutgers.  Yes, Rutgers, otherwise known as “the team we let into the Big Ten purely to reach the New Jersey market, despite their god-awful sports teams”.  And unfortunately for the Razorbacks, it doesn’t get any easier from here.  Bielema’s squad plays their next four games against ranked SEC opponents, then finishes with two games against Alabama and LSU in their last four weeks.  At this point, I still think Arkansas is a good bet to get six wins and become bowl eligible, but I sure as hell wouldn’t expect them to get to seven.  Enjoy getting fired in three years, Bret.

Third, Stanford beat the hell out of Arizona State.  Assholes. 

Alright, let’s get to the Picks.  First up…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) VS HAMSTRING INJURIES (3-0)

Son of a bitch.  You know, after their week two thrashing of the Redskins, I had talked myself into the Packers being contenders, since losing a close game in San Francisco isn’t really anything to be ashamed of.  But losing to the Bengals after holding a 16-point lead in the second half?  Good Lord.  This is bad.  Real bad.  The bye week couldn’t come at a better time, since Clay Matthews and Jermichael Finley have now joined the ranks of the Green Bay injury report.  If we can somehow get those two, Morgan Burnett, Casey Hayward, Eddie Lacy and Jarrett Bush fully healthy in two weeks, then we’ll have a chance to turn the season around.  But it doesn’t look good right now.  One silver lining: Jonathan Franklin looked damn good today, as the Packers recorded their second straight 100-yard rusher for the first time in forever. 

Hamstring injuries by 10

CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-2) VS JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-3)

No, the Browns aren’t playing the Jaguars today.  Or next week.  This matchup refers to the intense battle for the #1 pick in the 2014 NFL Draft being waged between the NFL’s two most hopeless franchises.  Cleveland pretty much waved the white flag on the 2013 season when they traded away their best player, Trent Richardson to the Colts for a first-round pick.  Conversely, the only reason the Jaguars haven’t done the same is because they don’t have any players worthy of getting a first rounder back in return.  But despite dumping all the talent from their roster and starting something called a “Brian Hoyer” at quarterback today, Cleveland managed to pull out a win after being out-sucked by the Vikings.  So maybe Minnesota will throw their hat into the Drowney for Clowney/Play Dead for Ted sweepstakes (credit Bill Simmons).  But Jacksonville is still the odds-on favorite.  Eleven total points in three weeks.  Eleven.  I’m one hundred percent serious when I say that Alabama and Oregon would both beat the Jaguars.

Jacksonville by -7

MASON CROSBY (4-0) VS FIELD GOALS (0-4)

Just wanted to point out that he’s still perfect on the season.  Who would’ve predicted that?  Oh that’s right.  Me.  13 fantasy points for all of my teams today, thanks, Mason!

Crosby by 3

FANTASY FOOTBALL: The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking (2-0) vs Turduckin’ Doughnuts (0-2)

I don’t know what a turducken donut is, but it sounds delicious.  Unfortunately for my friend Cory though, that’s the only good thing about his fantasy team, because he’s winless and I’m currently kicking his ass to the tune of 123-52.  Trust me, nobody is more surprised than I am about my team being undefeated.  I’ve never had a really good fantasy team before.  This is weird.  

The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking by 41

A couple more thoughts before I call it a weekend:

-       If you’re a UW student, and you go to football games, learn the lyrics to Jump Around, damn it.  It’s embarrassing when everyone sings the first two lines and then goes silent.  Write them on your hand if you’re too drunk to remember. 

-       Christian Plumber sits when he pees.

-       This week’s Chode Picks are brought to you by Stonehenge.

 - Chode Out

Chode Picks – Week 2

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the second edition of the 2013 Chode Picks.  It’s been a week since you all last sat down in front of your computer/phone/tablet to read my brilliant sports-related diatribe.  Did you miss me?  Don’t answer that.  By the way, I apologize if this edition comes out late.  Blame it on the worst Saturday-morning hangover I’ve had in years.  Stupid Q-bombs.

Anyways, time to recount the successes and failures of the past week.

SUCCESS:  Wisconsin football.  The Badgers passed their first true test of the season, traveling to Tempe, avoiding the legions of beautiful undergrad girls that Arizona State is famous for, and handily defeating the Sun Devils.  Combined with Braxton Miller’s injury, Michigan’s shaky victory over lowly Akron, and the humiliating ass-whooping that UCLA put on Nebraska, the win signals that once again, UW will be in the driver’s seat in the race for the Big Ten title.  Remember this sentence two weeks from now when Wisconsin goes to Columbus and takes down the Buckeyes.  In Gary Andersen we trust.  Also, I’d like to point out that the day after last week’s edition of the Chode Picks came out, Braxton Miller was diagnosed with a sprained MCL.  NAILED IT!! 

Also, I wrote the above paragraph on Saturday afternoon before the Badger game started.  If they lose, I’m not changing it.  Whatever.

FAILURE: Turd Manziel and the Texas A&M Aggies.  Oddly enough, I didn’t see Manziel taunting the Tide defenders and signing fake autographs after big plays this week.  I wonder why not.  Could it be because Nick Saban’s gang is kicking his ass all over Kyle Field?  That’s probably it.  Karma is a spiteful bitch, isn’t she Turd?  By the way, it takes a very special breed of asshole to make me root for a team coached by Saban.  Regardless, enough about A&M.  I’ll revisit Manziel’s morons in two weeks when they thrash Bret Bielema’s Razorbacks.

Shit.  Two minutes after I finished that paragraph, Turd threw a 95-yard touchdown pass to bring the Aggies within 7. 

SUCCESS: Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Ducks.  Good lord.  I though Michael Vick was going to have a big season, but if he stays healthy for all sixteen games, he’s going to murder his own single-season quarterback rushing record like it’s a five-year old Rottweiler.  Count me as one of the millions of fans who thought the Blur offense would never work in the NFL, and was quickly proven wrong in week one.  Expect Chip to release the hounds again this week against San Diego.  Then again, maybe the Chargers will prove me wrong and turn this one into a dogfight. 

FAILURE: Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars.  This is embarrassing.  Last week against the Chiefs, a team not exactly known for a strong defense, Gabbert compiled a passer rating of 30.8.  If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a 39.6.  Even Christian fucking Plunder can break 60 on the regular.  As this train wreck of a football team gets torn up by the lowly Raiders on Sunday, remember that there’s one high-profile free agent quarterback looking for a job out there, a guy who could easily fill stadiums and sell jerseys in northern Florida, maybe even winning a game or two in the process.  That’s right, I’m calling for the return of Tebow to his old stomping grounds.  Make it happen, Jacksonville.  What the hell do you have to lose?

SUCCESS: The Oregon Ducks.  I thought Oregon might lose a step without their old head coach Kelly, but they looked sharp as every in dismantling Tennessee 49-14 this afternoon.  If there’s one team that can break up the SEC’s reign of terror, this is it. 

Alright then, time for the Picks?  I think so.  This week’s edition is brought to you by Ylvis.  WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY??

WASHINGTON REDSKINS (0-1) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

One of these teams isn’t going to make the playoffs this year.  It wont be the Packers.  Despite losing to those dickheads from California last week, I thought we looked pretty good on both sides of the ball.  Except for our secondary, who played like Anquan Boldin was wearing the invisibility cloak from Harry Potter.  Get well soon, Morgan Burnett and Casey Hayward.  Also, the fine Clay Matthews got for hitting Kaepernick late is bullshit.  Yes it was a penalty, but he wasn’t THAT far out of bounds.  He’s only been commissioner for two years, but I already can’t wait for Roger Goodell to retire.  Regardless, I expect the Pack to take out their frustrations and scalp the Redskins this week (see what I did there?  Tasteless?  Yes, but so is water, and uh, water is important).  Also, there’s a decent chance Clay breaks one of Griffin’s knees tomorrow and gets a million-dollar fine from Roger G. 

Green Bay by 14

FLOYD MAYWEATHER (44-0-0) vs CANELO ALVAREZ (43-0-1)

The next best thing to Pacquiao-Mayweather.  This should actually be a competitive fight, given that Alvarez is thirteen years younger and about ten pounds heavier than Floyd.  I’ve been waiting a long time to see Mayweather lose a fight, and I think this is the one.  I predict Canelo knocks out Pretty Boy Floyd in the 10^th round, scoring a huge victory for Mexicans and gingers everywhere.

Alvarez by KO

MINNESOTA COACH JERRY KILL (9-16) vs EPILEPSY (100-0)

Seriously.  The dude needs to find a new profession.  I don’t know how the Gopher players are supposed to focus when their head coach could go down in a head on the sidelines at any moment.  Not that it matters anyways, since we’re only a couple of seasons away from the Big Ten trading Minnesota to the Missouri Valley Football Conference for North Dakota State.

Epilepsy by 51

MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-1) at CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)

After last week, we know one of two things is true.  Either the Lions are for real, or the Vikings are absolutely terrible.  Maybe a combination of both.  Anyways, I expect Matt Forte to do his best Reggie Bush impression tomorrow and tear up Soldier Field at Minnesota’s expense.  As for the other side of the ball, only four words are necessary: Christian Pounder sucks outdoors.  Adrian Peterson can’t rush for 2,500 yards, and Pon-DURRR can’t throw for that many either.

Chicago by 10

Congratulations to LeBron James on tying the knot with his high school sweetheart  Savannah Brinson today.  What a fantastic role model.  Surprisingly, I didn’t get an invitation.  Must have gotten lost in the mail.  No hard feelings, ‘Bron.  Just go ahead and get started on pumping out ten or twelve more super-athletic kids for the US Olympic team.    

FANTASY FOOTBALL: MORNING WOODHEAD (0-1) vs FORTE OZ. TO FREEDOM (0-1)

First of all, yes Ben King, I stole your team name.  It was too brilliant not to be re-used.  My apologies.  Secondly, I want to let you all know that since we didn’t put any money on this league, I went ahead and drafted the entire Packers’ roster.  My lineup consists of Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, John Kuhn, Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Jermichael Finley, Mason Crosby, Green Bay defense, and a shitload of Packer bench players that won’t score me any points all season.  Despite this unorthodox strategy, I very nearly beat Kenne Koehler’s real team last week, even with him getting thirty points from Colin Kaepernick.  The Packers are going to get me six or seven wins alone this season, and if that means I miss the playoffs, that’s totally okay with me.  Because every so often, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that your “fantasy” team was outscored by the Green Bay Packers.  Worth it.  Go Pack.

Morning Woodhead by 3

I feel obligated to mention the 12^th anniversary of 9/11 three days ago.  Even after killing Osama Bin Laden and driving the Taliban out of Afghanistan, some wounds never heal.  For example, ever since that day I can’t play Jenga with my Dad anymore.  Because he was killed instantly when the first plane hit.

Just kidding.  My dad is alive and well.  On your next trip, remember to fly United Airlines, because they’ll take you directly to your office.  God Bless America.

Welp, it’s Saturday night and I can hear a 12-pack of Leinenkugel’s calling my name, so let’s wrap it up for the week. 

WHAT THE FOX SAY???

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 1

And so it begins.  Another season of sweet, sweet, American Football.  Another season of the Green Bay Packers, Wisconsin Badgers, and 160 other teams that will eventually fail in their quest for a championship.  Yes, that’s right.  The Chode Picks are back with a vengeance for EIGTH SEASON in a row.  Despite the increasing hardships forced upon me by second-year medical school, I have returned.  So lock up your daughters, shoot your sons and buckle up, because we’re about to embark on the greatest ride of your disappointing middle-aged life.  It’s been a long, cold three months since we collectively celebrated the end of the basketball season and I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting the chance for me to spray my drunken, half-coherent literary brilliance upon you, so let’s get to it.  I’m sure you’re chomping at the bit to hear about the debauchery that filled my life in between, but I’m going to be a bit of a tease here and make you read some actual football analysis first.  Bear with me, please.

First up….

The WISCONSIN BADGERS!!  Hold on.  Let me rephrase that.  What I meant to say was, the GARY ANDERSEN-led WISCONSIN BADGER FOOTBALL TEAM!!  Yes, it’s taken me less time than a Kardashian marriage to abandon my brief but passionate love affair with Bret Bielema and realize that Coach Andersen is the perfect man to lead this team to new heights.  You see, every now and then God himself points down from the heavens and declares, “this one shall have balls carved out of fucking granite”.  And by a stroke of pure divine intervention, the chosen one ended up coaching my alma mater.  His appointment as supreme leader of the Wisconsin football team will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the greatest moments in UW history, right alongside Barry Alvarez’s three Rose Bowl victories and that one time I got drunk 46 days in a row.  And despite the fact that I was passed over for the head coaching gig despite submitting an impressive resume, I have no doubt that Andersen and company are poised to lead the Badgers to new heights, namely the national championship that has eluded us for so long.  After two early season dismantlings of powerhouses Massachusetts and Tennessee Tech, UW football is poised to continue our recent stretch of Big Ten dominance with an unprecedented fourth straight conference title. 

In case you were wondering, this year marks the 5^th time in my six years at UW that I’ve gotten season tickets.  And unlike most of my classmates who got tickets for the sole purpose of selling them to freshmen and lining their pockets with cash, I plan on going to every single home game, academic consequences be damned.  If it means I finish the semester with a 3.4 GPA instead of a 3.7, that’s a sacrifice I’ll gladly make.  Some things are more important than sports, but wasting the 23^rd autumn of my life locked up in the library for a few extra percentage points isn’t one of them.  Do you know what they call the guy who graduates last in his medical school class?  Doctor.

Speaking of college football, I’m sure you all heard about a certain quarterback from Texas A&M who couldn’t seem to go a week this offseason without making one idiotic mistake after another.  Yes, “Johnny Football” has truly done the impossible: turn the American public against you after winning a Heisman without so much as one murder, rape or other felony charge.  Truly astounding.  Now, I realize the irony of my calling out somebody else for being a drunken idiot, but when you’re the most talented player in the country, it’s only fair to expect that you not act like a total dipshit all the time.  Which is why I was thrilled when former MVP Tom Brady publicly called out Texas’ favorite idiot on campus and told him to “stop being a turd”.  Couldn’t agree more, Tom.  In fact, from this point forward, Johnathan Paul Manziel will be referred to in the Chode Picks as “Turd Manziel”.  Has a nice ring to it.  Best of luck against Alabama next week, Turd.  I’ll be watching. 

In a completely unrelated story about stupid decisions, I lost all of my common sense over the summer and decided to run another half-marathon in August.  Don’t ask me why.  At this point, I have no one to blame but myself for forcing myself into what is becoming a more and more painful ordeal each time I lace up my running shoes.  So I want to share a few bits of wisdom with you now to dissuade you from ever doing anything of a similar nature.

-       First of all, you will get hurt training for a half or full marathon.  It’s inevitable.  And it doesn’t matter if it happens when you’re training, stumbling home from the bars or playing ultimate Frisbee, but it’s going to make running feel like the absolute worst thing in the world.

-       Secondly, despite getting hurt you will continue to push on through the pain because you feel an obligation to yourself, you don’t want to be labeled a quitter, you’re raising money for charity or some other bullshit like that.

-       The actual race will be a LOT longer than you expected, and during the last few miles you’ll desperately pray that some idiot hits you with his car so you can stop.

-       Unfortunately, this won’t happen and you’ll finish the race, right behind some overachieving 40-year old woman.

-       Soon after finishing the race, you’ll realize you need to shit.  Like, RIGHT NOW.

-       After limping to a toilet and shitting your guts out for a solid twenty minutes, you’ll realize wiping your ass and getting off the toilet is damn near impossible because every muscle in your legs is screaming at you.  This may be the absolute rock-bottom moment of your existence.

So please, if you learn anything, ever from reading the Chode Picks, let it be this: don’t do it.  Don’t ever run any race longer than a 10K.  You’re welcome.

Without further delay, let’s get to the picks.  I’m doing it a little different this year, because I somehow found myself roped into four fantasy leagues this year, and that’s way too may matchups to write about.  Also, most of you aren’t playing against me, so I know you probably couldn’t care less about which random NFL players I picked to throw away money with this season.  So I figure I’ll probably pick one fantasy game to cover every week and fill the rest of the space here with real sports.  First and foremost…

GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-0) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-0)

Full disclosure: I hate these guys.  No, not the Packers, silly.  That gang of thugs from the bay area, with their hotheaded coach, ugly tattooed quarterback, stupid read-option offense, beautiful bridges and legalized marijuana.  The Packers faced off against them twice last season, but the results of both games have mysteriously faded from my memory, so we’ll just pretend they never happened.  But if for some reason the Green Bay defense had some sort of a debt to settle here (let’s say for example, 579 yards of offense and a humiliating playoff exit), I think they’re well equipped to pay it back tomorrow afternoon.  After all, seven months ought to be enough time to learn how to defend the fucking option.  And ex-49er quarterbacks Seneca Wallace and Scott Tolzein (welcome home, Scotty!) should be able to provide some insight.  If not, it’s going to be a very productive week for me while avoiding all forms of NFL football news until next weekend.  Screw you, Kaepernick.

By the way, I was fortunate enough to draft Mason Crosby for all of my fantasy leagues this year.  I’m expecting him to bounce back in a big way during a season where his paycheck will be on the line every week.  At the very least, every Packer field goal attempt is going to be an adventure.

Green Bay by three. (Crosby hits the game-winner)

NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (1-0) at MICHIGAN WOLVERINES (1-0)

This is the sort of game where I sit back and root for the stadium to collapse on both teams.  Or at least a humiliating loss for the Irish.  By the way, Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller sprained his MCL today against San Diego State.  Hooray!  How do I know it was his MCL?  Because I’m special and you’re not.  MRIs are for amateurs.  Hope you enjoyed your meaningless “perfect season” last year, Ohio.

Michigan by 10

ALEX RODRIGUEZ (0-1) vs BUD SELIG (1-0)

I gotta be honest: I’m kinda rooting for A-Rod this year.  Not sure why.  Maybe it’s because the Brewers’ season was over sometime in July, and I can’t think of a more hilarious scenario than Selig handing the commissioner’s trophy to Rodriguez after he carries the Yankees to a World Series title in a steroid-fueled rage.  Baseball is screwed anyways.

Selig by 211 games

Fantasy football: The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking (0-0) vs The Reluctant Gopher (0-0)

This team probably gives me the best shot at actually winning a fantasy football title, so I’ll throw them in the limelight for week 1.  Cam Newton, Alfred Morris, Stevan Ridley, Randall Cobb, Jimmy Graham, Mark Ingram and Mason Crosby should be more than enough to carry me past any team with the word “Gopher” in it’s name.  And no, I don’t feel any remorse about making fun of a quadriplegic with my team name.  That’s just God’s way of telling Mr. Hawking to sit down and lower his voice. 

The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking by 13

Anyways, it’s about that time where I throw a couple of random thoughts out there and wrap it up.

-       I love Wisconsin football as much as anyone else in this state, but if you drafted Montee Ball any time before the 6^th round of your fantasy draft, you’re an idiot.

-       Sad to see the Vince Young experiment didn’t quite work out in Green Bay.  But let’s be honest.  If Rodgers goes down, our season is over anyways.

-       This week’s edition of the Chode Picks was brought to you by Charter Communications

- Chode Out.