Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the second edition of
the 2013 Chode Picks. It’s been a week
since you all last sat down in front of your computer/phone/tablet to read my
brilliant sports-related diatribe. Did
you miss me? Don’t answer that. By the way, I apologize if this edition comes
out late. Blame it on the worst
Saturday-morning hangover I’ve had in years.
Stupid Q-bombs.
Anyways, time to recount the successes and failures of the
past week.
SUCCESS: Wisconsin
football. The Badgers passed their first
true test of the season, traveling to Tempe, avoiding the legions of beautiful
undergrad girls that Arizona State is famous for, and handily defeating the Sun
Devils. Combined with Braxton Miller’s
injury, Michigan’s shaky victory over lowly Akron, and the humiliating
ass-whooping that UCLA put on Nebraska, the win signals that once again, UW
will be in the driver’s seat in the race for the Big Ten title. Remember this sentence two weeks from now
when Wisconsin goes to Columbus and takes down the Buckeyes. In Gary Andersen we trust. Also, I’d like to point out that the day
after last week’s edition of the Chode Picks came out, Braxton Miller was
diagnosed with a sprained MCL. NAILED
IT!!
Also, I wrote the above paragraph on Saturday afternoon
before the Badger game started. If they
lose, I’m not changing it. Whatever.
FAILURE: Turd Manziel and the Texas A&M Aggies. Oddly enough, I didn’t see Manziel taunting
the Tide defenders and signing fake autographs after big plays this week. I wonder why not. Could it be because Nick Saban’s gang is
kicking his ass all over Kyle Field?
That’s probably it. Karma is a
spiteful bitch, isn’t she Turd? By the
way, it takes a very special breed of asshole to make me root for a team
coached by Saban. Regardless, enough
about A&M. I’ll revisit Manziel’s
morons in two weeks when they thrash Bret Bielema’s Razorbacks.
Shit. Two minutes
after I finished that paragraph, Turd threw a 95-yard touchdown pass to bring
the Aggies within 7.
SUCCESS: Chip Kelly and the Philadelphia Ducks. Good lord.
I though Michael Vick was going to have a big season, but if he stays
healthy for all sixteen games, he’s going to murder his own single-season
quarterback rushing record like it’s a five-year old Rottweiler. Count me as one of the millions of fans who
thought the Blur offense would never work in the NFL, and was quickly proven
wrong in week one. Expect Chip to
release the hounds again this week against San Diego. Then again, maybe the Chargers will prove me
wrong and turn this one into a dogfight.
FAILURE: Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars. This is embarrassing. Last week against the Chiefs, a team not
exactly known for a strong defense, Gabbert compiled a passer rating of 30.8. If a quarterback drops back and fires every
pass straight into the ground, he gets a 39.6.
Even Christian fucking Plunder can break 60 on the regular. As this train wreck of a football team gets
torn up by the lowly Raiders on Sunday, remember that there’s one high-profile
free agent quarterback looking for a job out there, a guy who could easily fill
stadiums and sell jerseys in northern Florida, maybe even winning a game or two
in the process. That’s right, I’m calling
for the return of Tebow to his old stomping grounds. Make it happen, Jacksonville. What the hell do you have to lose?
SUCCESS: The Oregon Ducks.
I thought Oregon might lose a step without their old head coach Kelly,
but they looked sharp as every in dismantling Tennessee 49-14 this afternoon. If there’s one team that can break up the
SEC’s reign of terror, this is it.
Alright then, time for the Picks? I think so.
This week’s edition is brought to you by Ylvis. WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY??
WASHINGTON REDSKINS (0-1) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)
One of these teams isn’t going to make the playoffs this
year. It wont be the Packers. Despite losing to those dickheads from
California last week, I thought we looked pretty good on both sides of the
ball. Except for our secondary, who
played like Anquan Boldin was wearing the invisibility cloak from Harry
Potter. Get well soon, Morgan Burnett
and Casey Hayward. Also, the fine Clay
Matthews got for hitting Kaepernick late is bullshit. Yes it was a penalty, but he wasn’t THAT far
out of bounds. He’s only been
commissioner for two years, but I already can’t wait for Roger Goodell to
retire. Regardless, I expect the Pack to
take out their frustrations and scalp the Redskins this week (see what I did
there? Tasteless? Yes, but so is water, and uh, water is
important). Also, there’s a decent
chance Clay breaks one of Griffin’s knees tomorrow and gets a million-dollar
fine from Roger G.
Green Bay by 14
FLOYD MAYWEATHER (44-0-0) vs CANELO ALVAREZ (43-0-1)
The next best thing to Pacquiao-Mayweather. This should actually be a competitive fight,
given that Alvarez is thirteen years younger and about ten pounds heavier than
Floyd. I’ve been waiting a long time to
see Mayweather lose a fight, and I think this is the one. I predict Canelo knocks out Pretty Boy Floyd
in the 10th round, scoring a huge victory for Mexicans and gingers
everywhere.
Alvarez by KO
MINNESOTA COACH JERRY KILL (9-16) vs EPILEPSY (100-0)
Seriously. The dude
needs to find a new profession. I don’t
know how the Gopher players are supposed to focus when their head coach could
go down in a head on the sidelines at any moment. Not that it matters anyways, since we’re only
a couple of seasons away from the Big Ten trading Minnesota to the Missouri
Valley Football Conference for North Dakota State.
Epilepsy by 51
MINNESOTA VIKINGS (0-1) at CHICAGO BEARS (1-0)
After last week, we know one of two things is true. Either the Lions are for real, or the Vikings
are absolutely terrible. Maybe a
combination of both. Anyways, I expect
Matt Forte to do his best Reggie Bush impression tomorrow and tear up Soldier
Field at Minnesota’s expense. As for the
other side of the ball, only four words are necessary: Christian Pounder sucks
outdoors. Adrian Peterson can’t rush for
2,500 yards, and Pon-DURRR can’t throw for that many either.
Chicago by 10
Congratulations to LeBron James on tying the knot with his
high school sweetheart Savannah Brinson
today. What a fantastic role model. Surprisingly, I didn’t get an
invitation. Must have gotten lost in the
mail. No hard feelings, ‘Bron. Just go ahead and get started on pumping out
ten or twelve more super-athletic kids for the US Olympic team.
FANTASY FOOTBALL: MORNING WOODHEAD (0-1) vs FORTE OZ. TO
FREEDOM (0-1)
First of all, yes Ben King, I stole your team name. It was too brilliant not to be re-used. My apologies.
Secondly, I want to let you all know that since we didn’t put any money
on this league, I went ahead and drafted the entire Packers’ roster. My lineup consists of Aaron Rodgers, Eddie
Lacy, John Kuhn, Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, James Jones, Jermichael Finley,
Mason Crosby, Green Bay defense, and a shitload of Packer bench players that
won’t score me any points all season.
Despite this unorthodox strategy, I very nearly beat Kenne Koehler’s
real team last week, even with him getting thirty points from Colin
Kaepernick. The Packers are going to get
me six or seven wins alone this season, and if that means I miss the playoffs,
that’s totally okay with me. Because
every so often, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that your “fantasy” team
was outscored by the Green Bay Packers.
Worth it. Go Pack.
Morning Woodhead by 3
I feel obligated to mention the 12th anniversary
of 9/11 three days ago. Even after
killing Osama Bin Laden and driving the Taliban out of Afghanistan, some wounds
never heal. For example, ever since that
day I can’t play Jenga with my Dad anymore.
Because he was killed instantly when the first plane hit.
Just kidding. My dad
is alive and well. On your next trip,
remember to fly United Airlines, because they’ll take you directly to your
office. God Bless America.
Welp, it’s Saturday night and I can hear a 12-pack of
Leinenkugel’s calling my name, so let’s wrap it up for the week.
-Chode Out.
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