And so it begins.
Another season of sweet, sweet, American Football. Another season of the Green Bay Packers,
Wisconsin Badgers, and 160 other teams that will eventually fail in their quest
for a championship. Yes, that’s right. The Chode Picks are back with a vengeance for
EIGTH SEASON in a row. Despite the
increasing hardships forced upon me by second-year medical school, I have
returned. So lock up your daughters,
shoot your sons and buckle up, because we’re about to embark on the greatest
ride of your disappointing middle-aged life.
It’s been a long, cold three months since we collectively celebrated the
end of the basketball season and I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting the
chance for me to spray my drunken, half-coherent literary brilliance upon you,
so let’s get to it. I’m sure you’re chomping
at the bit to hear about the debauchery that filled my life in between, but I’m
going to be a bit of a tease here and make you read some actual football
analysis first. Bear with me, please.
First up….
The WISCONSIN BADGERS!!
Hold on. Let me rephrase
that. What I meant to say was, the GARY
ANDERSEN-led WISCONSIN BADGER FOOTBALL TEAM!!
Yes, it’s taken me less time than a Kardashian marriage to abandon my
brief but passionate love affair with Bret Bielema and realize that Coach
Andersen is the perfect man to lead this team to new heights. You see, every now and then God himself
points down from the heavens and declares, “this one shall have balls carved
out of fucking granite”. And by a stroke
of pure divine intervention, the chosen one ended up coaching my alma mater. His appointment as supreme leader of the
Wisconsin football team will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the
greatest moments in UW history, right alongside Barry Alvarez’s three Rose Bowl
victories and that one time I got drunk 46 days in a row. And despite the fact that I was passed over
for the head coaching gig despite submitting an impressive resume, I have no
doubt that Andersen and company are poised to lead the Badgers to new heights,
namely the national championship that has eluded us for so long. After two early season dismantlings of
powerhouses Massachusetts and Tennessee Tech, UW football is poised to continue
our recent stretch of Big Ten dominance with an unprecedented fourth straight
conference title.
In case you were wondering, this year marks the 5th
time in my six years at UW that I’ve gotten season tickets. And unlike most of my classmates who got
tickets for the sole purpose of selling them to freshmen and lining their
pockets with cash, I plan on going to every single home game, academic
consequences be damned. If it means I
finish the semester with a 3.4 GPA instead of a 3.7, that’s a sacrifice I’ll
gladly make. Some things are more
important than sports, but wasting the 23rd autumn of my life locked
up in the library for a few extra percentage points isn’t one of them. Do you know what they call the guy who
graduates last in his medical school class?
Doctor.
Speaking of college football, I’m sure you all heard about a
certain quarterback from Texas A&M who couldn’t seem to go a week this
offseason without making one idiotic mistake after another. Yes, “Johnny Football” has truly done the
impossible: turn the American public against you after winning a Heisman
without so much as one murder, rape or other felony charge. Truly astounding. Now, I realize the irony of my calling out
somebody else for being a drunken idiot, but when you’re the most talented
player in the country, it’s only fair to expect that you not act like a total
dipshit all the time. Which is why I was
thrilled when former MVP Tom Brady publicly called out Texas’ favorite idiot on
campus and told him to “stop being a turd”.
Couldn’t agree more, Tom. In
fact, from this point forward, Johnathan Paul Manziel will be referred to in
the Chode Picks as “Turd Manziel”. Has a
nice ring to it. Best of luck against
Alabama next week, Turd. I’ll be
watching.
In a completely unrelated story about stupid decisions, I
lost all of my common sense over the summer and decided to run another
half-marathon in August. Don’t ask me
why. At this point, I have no one to
blame but myself for forcing myself into what is becoming a more and more
painful ordeal each time I lace up my running shoes. So I want to share a few bits of wisdom with
you now to dissuade you from ever doing anything of a similar nature.
-
First of all, you will get hurt training for a
half or full marathon. It’s
inevitable. And it doesn’t matter if it
happens when you’re training, stumbling home from the bars or playing ultimate
Frisbee, but it’s going to make running feel like the absolute worst thing in
the world.
-
Secondly, despite getting hurt you will continue
to push on through the pain because you feel an obligation to yourself, you
don’t want to be labeled a quitter, you’re raising money for charity or some
other bullshit like that.
-
The actual race will be a LOT longer than you
expected, and during the last few miles you’ll desperately pray that some idiot
hits you with his car so you can stop.
-
Unfortunately, this won’t happen and you’ll
finish the race, right behind some overachieving 40-year old woman.
-
Soon after finishing the race, you’ll realize
you need to shit. Like, RIGHT NOW.
-
After limping to a toilet and shitting your guts
out for a solid twenty minutes, you’ll realize wiping your ass and getting off
the toilet is damn near impossible because every muscle in your legs is
screaming at you. This may be the
absolute rock-bottom moment of your existence.
So please, if you learn anything, ever from reading the
Chode Picks, let it be this: don’t do it.
Don’t ever run any race longer than a 10K. You’re welcome.
Without further delay, let’s get to the picks. I’m doing it a little different this year,
because I somehow found myself roped into four fantasy leagues this year, and
that’s way too may matchups to write about.
Also, most of you aren’t playing against me, so I know you probably
couldn’t care less about which random NFL players I picked to throw away money
with this season. So I figure I’ll
probably pick one fantasy game to cover every week and fill the rest of the
space here with real sports. First and
foremost…
GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-0) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (0-0)
Full disclosure: I hate these guys. No, not the Packers, silly. That gang of thugs from the bay area, with
their hotheaded coach, ugly tattooed quarterback, stupid read-option offense,
beautiful bridges and legalized marijuana.
The Packers faced off against them twice last season, but the results of
both games have mysteriously faded from my memory, so we’ll just pretend they
never happened. But if for some reason
the Green Bay defense had some sort of a debt to settle here (let’s say for example,
579 yards of offense and a humiliating playoff exit), I think they’re well
equipped to pay it back tomorrow afternoon.
After all, seven months ought to be enough time to learn how to defend
the fucking option. And ex-49er
quarterbacks Seneca Wallace and Scott Tolzein (welcome home, Scotty!) should be
able to provide some insight. If not,
it’s going to be a very productive week for me while avoiding all forms of NFL
football news until next weekend. Screw
you, Kaepernick.
By the way, I was fortunate enough to draft Mason Crosby for
all of my fantasy leagues this year. I’m
expecting him to bounce back in a big way during a season where his paycheck
will be on the line every week. At the
very least, every Packer field goal attempt is going to be an adventure.
Green Bay by three. (Crosby hits the game-winner)
NOTRE DAME FIGHTING IRISH (1-0) at MICHIGAN WOLVERINES (1-0)
This is the sort of game where I sit back and root for the
stadium to collapse on both teams. Or at
least a humiliating loss for the Irish.
By the way, Ohio State quarterback Braxton Miller sprained his MCL today
against San Diego State. Hooray! How do I know it was his MCL? Because I’m special and you’re not. MRIs are for amateurs. Hope you enjoyed your meaningless “perfect
season” last year, Ohio.
Michigan by 10
ALEX RODRIGUEZ (0-1) vs BUD SELIG (1-0)
I gotta be honest: I’m kinda rooting for A-Rod this
year. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because the Brewers’ season was
over sometime in July, and I can’t think of a more hilarious scenario than
Selig handing the commissioner’s trophy to Rodriguez after he carries the
Yankees to a World Series title in a steroid-fueled rage. Baseball is screwed anyways.
Selig by 211 games
Fantasy football: The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking (0-0)
vs The Reluctant Gopher (0-0)
This team probably gives me the best shot at actually
winning a fantasy football title, so I’ll throw them in the limelight for week
1. Cam Newton, Alfred Morris, Stevan
Ridley, Randall Cobb, Jimmy Graham, Mark Ingram and Mason Crosby should be more
than enough to carry me past any team with the word “Gopher” in it’s name. And no, I don’t feel any remorse about making
fun of a quadriplegic with my team name.
That’s just God’s way of telling Mr. Hawking to sit down and lower his
voice.
The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking by 13
Anyways, it’s about that time where I throw a couple of
random thoughts out there and wrap it up.
-
I love Wisconsin football as much as anyone else
in this state, but if you drafted Montee Ball any time before the 6th
round of your fantasy draft, you’re an idiot.
-
Sad to see the Vince Young experiment didn’t
quite work out in Green Bay. But let’s
be honest. If Rodgers goes down, our
season is over anyways.
- Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment