I’m sorry. It’s late
Sunday afternoon and I’m just now posting the Chode Picks. This is embarrassing. But after accepting my deepest apologies,
hear me out. It’s been a hell of a
weekend. Want to hear about it? No?
Too damn bad. I was going to try
to get these out on Thursday night, but life threw me a curveball when I found
out that my good buddy and longtime reader Andy Graves was back in Madison for
one night and one night only. This left
me with quite the conundrum, since I had class at 8 AM the next day. I was left with two choices: either go out
for a few drinks, head home early and act like a responsible adult the next
morning, or suck it up, pretend I’m still in undergrad, go balls-to-the-wall
and show up to school smelling like cheap liquor the next afternoon. I’ll let you guess which path I chose.
Anyways, I barely made it out of bed in time for my 2 PM
blood donation appointment (because you know, I’m a good Samaritan and all
that). After that, I had just enough
time to take my online cardiovascular pathology quiz (aced it, by the way) and
eat dinner before it was time to help my beautiful girlfriend celebrate her 21st
birthday. Yes, 21st. Go ahead and make your cradle-robbing jokes
now. I’ll wait.
Waiting…
Done? Good. Anyways, the next day was the
Wisconsin-Purdue game here in Madison (more on that game later), so needless to
say I didn’t accomplish much. So here I
sit on Sunday, with the crushing hangover of a three-day bender cramping my
style. And again, I’m sorry. But I don’t think you guys appreciate how
hard it is for me not to come home when I’m hammered and simply write “Jay
Cutler is a FAAAAAAAAAGGGG!!!” and post it on the Chode Picks.
So with that out of the way, on to college football. First and foremost, last Saturday’s
game. And there’s really only one thing
to be said…
Kyle French would have shanked it anyways. That’s all I have to say. About the Badgers, the Pac-12 referees, the
stupid fucking Sun Devils and the travesty that went down in Tempe last
Saturday night. I apologize if you’re
still upset. Or if you’re French. Or if you enjoy French dressing. Or if by some bizarre stretch of my
imagination, you’re Kyle French himself.
I’m sorry, but this is the only way for me to cope. I’m just going to go to my not-so-happy place
and imagine that Joel Stave took a knee, plain and obvious for everyone in the
stadium to see, handed the ball to the ref, who then cleanly spotted it. After which of course, Stave spiked the damn
ball with four seconds left as the Wisconsin field goal unit ran onto the
field. Then, as the ball was snapped,
with a million hearts in the collective throat of Madison, Wisconsin,
placekicker Kyle French then hooked an easy field goal wide right to end the
game. Wisconsin loses another
heartbreaker, and I can go to sleep somewhat easily knowing that we were beaten
fairly by those stupid, spoiled, sun-tanned bitches from Arizona State.
All personal bias aside though, the officiating at the end
of that game will go down as one of the great mysteries of my life, alongside
whatever makes people want to live in Minnesota and the meaning of
Stonehenge. Fortunately though, Arizona
State is not a Big Ten team and the “loss” has little to no effect on the
Badgers chances of winning a fourth consecutive Big Ten title. The long odds against that still hinge
primarily on our game in Columbus next week against the best football team in
Ohio. See what I did there? I suggested
that the Ohio State Buckeyes would beat the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati
Bengals (editor’s note: this was written before the Packer game on Sunday. Damn it).
But I’ll write more about the Browns and their blatant attempt to throw
away the 2013 season later. This
paragraph is for college football. And
there were three things that happened yesterday that made me very happy:
First and foremost, Wisconsin rebounded to kick the shit out
of Purdue in Camp Randall. Depsite Joel
Stave’s continued inability to throw an accurate spiral, the Badgers were able
to roll up enough yards on the ground to put the Boilermakers away without any
real difficulty. Credit the offensive
line for opening up more holes than a Hustler magazine, propelling James White
and Melvin Gordon to their third and fourth 100-yard games of the season,
respectively. At this point, it seems
like only a matter of time before Gordon breaks into the Heisman race,
something that nobody would have predicted last season. Oh wait, that’s right. I totally called it last December after the
Big Ten Championship massacre of Nebraska.
The dude is damn near impossible to tackle. Slippery like your platelets after taking
aspirin, and more powerful than the hundreds of ancient Norwegians it must have
taken to build Stonehenge. Also, I’m
pretty sure he wants to bang my girlfriend.
But other than that he’s great.
Gordon for Heisman.
Secondly, Bret Bielema’s Arkansas team fell to lowly Rutgers. Yes, Rutgers, otherwise known as “the team we
let into the Big Ten purely to reach the New Jersey market, despite their
god-awful sports teams”. And
unfortunately for the Razorbacks, it doesn’t get any easier from here. Bielema’s squad plays their next four games
against ranked SEC opponents, then finishes with two games against Alabama and
LSU in their last four weeks. At this
point, I still think Arkansas is a good bet to get six wins and become bowl
eligible, but I sure as hell wouldn’t expect them to get to seven. Enjoy getting fired in three years, Bret.
Third, Stanford beat the hell out of Arizona State. Assholes.
Alright, let’s get to the Picks. First up…
GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) VS HAMSTRING INJURIES (3-0)
Son of a bitch. You
know, after their week two thrashing of the Redskins, I had talked myself into
the Packers being contenders, since losing a close game in San Francisco isn’t
really anything to be ashamed of. But
losing to the Bengals after holding a 16-point lead in the second half? Good Lord.
This is bad. Real bad. The bye week couldn’t come at a better time,
since Clay Matthews and Jermichael Finley have now joined the ranks of the
Green Bay injury report. If we can
somehow get those two, Morgan Burnett, Casey Hayward, Eddie Lacy and Jarrett
Bush fully healthy in two weeks, then we’ll have a chance to turn the season
around. But it doesn’t look good right
now. One silver lining: Jonathan
Franklin looked damn good today, as the Packers recorded their second straight
100-yard rusher for the first time in forever.
Hamstring injuries by 10
CLEVELAND BROWNS (1-2) VS JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (0-3)
No, the Browns aren’t playing the Jaguars today. Or next week.
This matchup refers to the intense battle for the #1 pick in the 2014
NFL Draft being waged between the NFL’s two most hopeless franchises. Cleveland pretty much waved the white flag on
the 2013 season when they traded away their best player, Trent Richardson to
the Colts for a first-round pick.
Conversely, the only reason the Jaguars haven’t done the same is because
they don’t have any players worthy of getting a first rounder back in
return. But despite dumping all the
talent from their roster and starting something called a “Brian Hoyer” at
quarterback today, Cleveland managed to pull out a win after being out-sucked
by the Vikings. So maybe Minnesota will
throw their hat into the Drowney for Clowney/Play Dead for Ted sweepstakes
(credit Bill Simmons). But Jacksonville
is still the odds-on favorite. Eleven
total points in three weeks.
Eleven. I’m one hundred percent
serious when I say that Alabama and Oregon would both beat the Jaguars.
Jacksonville by -7
MASON CROSBY (4-0) VS FIELD GOALS (0-4)
Just wanted to point out that he’s still perfect on the
season. Who would’ve predicted
that? Oh that’s right. Me. 13
fantasy points for all of my teams today, thanks, Mason!
Crosby by 3
FANTASY FOOTBALL: The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking (2-0)
vs Turduckin’ Doughnuts (0-2)
I don’t know what a turducken donut is, but it sounds
delicious. Unfortunately for my friend
Cory though, that’s the only good thing about his fantasy team, because he’s
winless and I’m currently kicking his ass to the tune of 123-52. Trust me, nobody is more surprised than I am
about my team being undefeated. I’ve
never had a really good fantasy team before.
This is weird.
The Walking Talking Stephen Hawking by 41
A couple more thoughts before I call it a weekend:
-
If you’re a UW student, and you go to football
games, learn the lyrics to Jump Around, damn it. It’s embarrassing when everyone sings the
first two lines and then goes silent. Write
them on your hand if you’re too drunk to remember.
-
Christian Plumber sits when he pees.
- Chode Out
No comments:
Post a Comment