Chode Picks – Week 8

It’s here.  The best weekend of the year in Madison, or anywhere on the planet for that matter: Halloweekend.  Words cannot begin to describe how excited I am.  I’m like a kid in a candy store, or Jerry Sandusky surrounded by kids in a candy store.  Especially after the Packers embarrassed the Factory of Sadness that is the Cleveland Browns and the Wisconsin Badgers murdered our less-skilled neighbors from Illinois last week.  Life is good.  So forgive me for blowing my metaphorical load and getting right into the Picks.  This week’s edition is brought to you by Labatt Ice Lager.  Yes, that’s a real beer.  It’s cheap, strong, and tastes like this piss of Canadian Zeus.  Right up my alley. 

GREEN BAY PACKERS (4-2) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-7)

It’s about damn time.  The Green Bay Packers are back on top of the NFC North, and for the most part, order has been restored to the football universe (Except for the Chiefs being undefeated.  No fucking clue how that happened.)  Better yet, Jay Cutler is out with a pulled groin for 4 to 6 weeks, or however long it takes for his menstrual cycle to reset.  But enough about Chicago.  I’ll get to them later.  Time to break down the good and the bad about the Packer-Viking game this Sunday night.

First, the bad news: too many injuries for the Pack.  Our best defensive player is out with a broken wrist, our best open-field threat is out for twice as long, two of our other best defensive players are out for another month or so, and our super-talented tight end nearly died on the turf in Lambeau last week.

The good news: we play Minnesota this Sunday, the worst-coached team in football.  You see, our less-intelligent neighbors to the west just happen to have the best running back in football, yet they insist on letting those three morons they call “quarterbacks” handle the ball more than Adrian Peterson.  And if you took the combined football talents of Josh Freeman, Matt Cassel and Christian Ponder into one quarterback and named him Jochrismatt Cassmander, he’d be approximately one eight as talented as Aaron Rodgers.  So I’m picking this injury-riddled squad to pound the Vikings in Lambeau West.  And I’ll be shocked if the Metrodome isn’t at least one-third full of Packer fans on Sunday.

GREEN BAY by 21

A couple more notes Minnesota football teams before we move on.  First of all, fuck you Blair Walsh.  You nearly single-handedly took me out of first place in one of my fantasy leagues last week.  You see, going into the Monday night Vikings-Giants game, I was just two points behind my friend Jon Erickson (pays for sex).  Jon had no players in the Monday night tilt, while I had Walsh as my starting kicker.  I didn’t even bother watching the game, mostly because I had a million antibiotics to memorize and also because I was fairly certain he could get me at least two points.  WRONG.  Thanks to the continued ineptitude of the Viking offense, Blair had just one extra point and a single 53-yard field goal attempt.  Which he missed, leaving me with ZERO points from my kicker, and with an embarrassing loss on my otherwise sterling fantasy record.  Damn it.  It’s weeks like this that make me wonder why I waste so much time on fantasy football.  But then I remember that I’m doing it for the sole purpose of making the Chode Picks more interesting.  Hey, speaking of the Picks…

BRETT FAVRE (0-0) vs ST LOUIS RAMS (3-4)

Yes, as you may or may not have heard, the Rams called up the old gunslinger this week and offered him the chance to play in the NFL again after Sam Bradford was lost for the season with a torn ACL.  Thankfully for all parties involved, he turned them down.  Probably because he realized the Rams’ offensive line is shit and at 44 years old, he has less scrambling ability than Oprah Winfrey.  Congratulations on your 3-13 season, St. Louis.  But on a more positive note…

FAVRE by default

ST LOUIS CARDINALS (1-1) vs BOSTON RED SOX (1-1)

Yup, it’s that time of year again, where I pretend to be a baseball fan for a couple weeks and arbitrarily pick a team to win the World Series based on nothing at all.  And while a few of my diehard Brewer friends have disowned me for jumping on the Cardinal bandwagon, at least we know Carlos Beltran isn’t going to cheat his way to the top, lie about it and then get suspended for half a season.  Yes, that was a shot at Ryan Braun.  Also, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez.  Deal with it.  I’m not sure when or how we let this happen, but the Brewers have now become the Vikings to the Cardinals’ Packers: a group of jealous, bitter, incompetent jerks rooting against everything good about sports.  And that my friends, is why I don’t follow baseball.  Go Cardinals.

St Louis in seven.

NEBRASKA (5-1) at MINNESOTA (5-2)

How the Gophers got five wins on the season is beyond me.  Hell, they might even beat Indiana this year and get to six wins so they can make a bowl and get crushed by the last-place team in the SEC again.  Regardless, they’re going down like Miley Cyrus on her coke dealer this week.  And believe it or not, there are a few people out there who think Nebraska should be ranked ahead of Wisconsin based on their “superior” record.  Bullshit.  Remember the last Big Ten Championship game?  That’s what I thought.  I can’t wait for the Cornhuskers to get mauled by Ohio State in December and watch the Badgers vault over them for a BCS at-large berth.  You heard it here first.

NEBRASKA by 17

WISCONSIN (5-2) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

Damn it, Joel.  Either learn how to throw an accurate pass in the next seven days or prepare to hold a clipboard for the rest of your college career.

WISCONSIN by default

Quick note on last week’s Chode Points: I appreciate your collective enthusiasm in naming Barry Alvarez’s predecessor as UW athletic director: Pat Richter.  And I owe you all an apology for not making it specifically clear that I meant to award points to the first person to name him in the comments.  But since its my fault that I didn’t explicitly explain the rules, I’m awarding all of you ten Chode Points (even you, Nate).  But Ben King gets five extra points for naming him first.  I’ll be sure to make the directions more clear from now on.   So for this week’s edition, whoever posts the best Halloween costume below will be awarded with 20 Chode Points.  Pictures aren’t required, but they’re strongly encouraged.

NBA PREVIEW: CHICAGO BULLS (0-3) vs MIAMI HEAT (3-0)

Sorry, I couldn’t hold this back any longer.  I’ve had just about enough of my Illinois friends claiming that they’re good enough to “beat the Heat in seven” this year. HA!  Considering that Kirk Hinrich is already hurt and Joakim Noah’s estrogen levels are spiking again, they’ll be lucky to challenge Indiana for the honor of losing to Miami in the playoffs again.  Also, Greg Oden.  Greg fucking Oden.  He’s back, he’s relatively healthy, and he’s ready to kick some Eastern Conference ass.  Shit, we might as well just hand over the three-peat to the Heat and erase the ’96 Bulls from the record book.  And for those of you waiting for LeBron to leave so you can rub it in my face next offseason, I hate to crush your dreams (No, that’s a lie.  I love crushing your dreams.), but as long as Pat Riley is in charge, we’re going to keep racking up titles at the expense of our sad-sack friends in Illinois.  And nobody cares about hockey.

MIAMI by 3

FANTASY FOOTBALL:

FOURNIER’S SCROTEAM (3-4) vs MILSAP LOVES KIDDIE PORN (5-2)

First of all, congratulations to Alex Milsap on coming up with the second-best fantasy team name in our league.  For the rest of you non-doctor folk, go ahead and Google “Fournier’s gangrene of the scrotum” for reference.  I’ll wait.

…

Done throwing up?  Good.  Because statistically, that’s going to happen to at least one male reading this.  Anyways, I fully intend to keep changing my fantasy team name in my med school league to a personal insult about whoever I’m playing that week.  Deal with it, nerds.  And since Milsap’s team is terrible, I’ll take another victory on my way to TWO fantasy titles this fall.

MILSAP LOVES KIDDIE PORN by 9

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (5-2) vs I’M FEELING LUCKY (4-3)

Yes, both of my teams reference pedophilia this week.  Don’t judge me.  But this is Bianca’s punishment for posting that God-awful song on the Chode Picks two weeks ago.  I’m going to kick her ass.  Also, I’m going to show up to your Halloween party tomorrow and puke all over the living room.  You deserve it.  Apparently I can’t trust you guys with anything.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 40

I got sick this week for the first time since last winter.  THANKS, OBAMACARE.

May you all have the happiest of Halloweekends.  And remember to post a picture of your costume.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 7

Surprise!  Welcome back to an extra-special EARLY edition of the Chode Picks!!  That’s right, it’s Thursday in Madison, center of the known universe, and there has not yet been a single game of football played this week.  As such, given my recent half-assed approach to the Picks, I’ve decided to get back to my roots and publish this garbage on the day I originally intended.  For those of you who have been reading me for the entire eight-year saga (all three of you), you might remember that the Chode Picks used to be faithfully submitted on Thursday every week for your reading pleasure (seriously).  Sadly, over the many years, school, girls, laziness and my love of sweet, sweet alcohol has usually gotten in the way of instead.  But not this week, damn it.  This week, you get nothing less than the full-frontal Chode experience.  You’re welcome.

And in the spirit of my renewed commitment to my readers, I’m bringing back an old tradition: Chode Points.  So for every week until the end of the season, I’ll be issuing a challenge to all of you for a specified amount of points.  The lucky reader who ends up with the most points at the end of the year will receive one of three fantastic prizes from yours truly.

1)   A six-pack of the nicest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

2)   A case of the shittiest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

3)   A shot of your choosing provided you can find me at a bar in Madison, Menomonie or anywhere in between.  Yes, any shot.  Wild Turkey, Patron, Grey Goose, Q-Bombs sprinkled with my tears and flecks of sterling silver, you name it.  I’ll buy it. 

For this week’s challenge, we’ll start with an easy one because I know my readers, and asking more than bare minimum effort isn’t going to get us anywhere.  So for ten Chode Points, name the athletic director who preceded Barry Alvarez at UW in the comments below.  Simple, easy and you’ve got a headstart on the race towards a case of Beer 30 Ice.  Just kidding.  Miller’s Liquor doesn’t sell beer that shitty, unfortunately.  By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is sponsored by Miller’s Liquor on University Avenue. 

Anyways, I want to thank everyone reading this for sticking with me through what were admittedly two subpar editions of the Chode Picks the past two weeks.  Just know that I will immediately retract this apology after you soil yourself reading this week’s edition from its sheer awesomeness.  You see, I’m taking a break from studying tonight, because a thousand pages of pathophysiology over the past two months have succeeded in leeching the humanity from me and nearly made me forget why I wanted to become a doctor in the first place: to make a fuckload of money.  Hey, at least I’m honest.  During my freshman year of college (WAY back in the day) I realized that all I really wanted from life was enough money to let me get drunk whenever I wanted.  Shallow, yes I know.  But five years later, now that I’ve grown into an adult, I’ve discovered the one thing that will bring me true joy: enough money to get drunk off single-malt scotch on my luxury yacht whenever I want.  You know, sometimes in life it’s the big things that matter the most.  Like money.  Sweet, sweet money.  Hey, speaking of rich dudes…

BO RYAN!!  No, it’s not college basketball season yet.  But the highest-paid public employee in Wisconsin held a fundraiser named “Shooting Down Cancer” today at the Kohl Center a couple miles from my house.  Every UW student was invited to show up this afternoon and raise money for cancer research by shooting a free-throw and a half-court shot.  If you make the free throw, Bo donates $10.  If you make the half-court shot, he donates $1,000.  And for just showing up, he donates $1.  So naturally, I decided to run over after class and show off my sick basketball skills while taking a small bite out of Coach Ryan’s salary (the dude makes over $2 million a year).  I got there about 20 minutes early, so I was one of the first 20 people to shoot.  As I stepped to the free throw line, I could feel the anticipation building in the crowd.  Point guard George Marshall handed me the ball and muttered something that I’m going to assume was “good luck” (honestly, I can never understand a word he says).  I calmly took two dribbles, spun the ball in my hands, did my LeBron deep-knee bend… and bricked that sonofabitch off the side of the rim.  Damn it.  No matter.  I still had the half-court heave to redeem myself as a world-class athlete.  After jogging to midcourt and skillfully catching a pass from Sam Dekker, I gathered myself, took a running start, launched it straight at the basket and... SWISH!!!  THREE POINTS FOR CHODE AND A THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR BO RYAN!!  The crowd went nuts.  After taking a celebratory picture with Bo and respectfully declining a spot on the team, I jogged home with the warm, happy glow of knowing that I made a difference in the battle against cancer.  In fact, with over $66,000 raised today for cancer research by UW, I think that might just be enough to put an end to the world’s most ubiquitous illness once and for all.  LOL.  Just kidding.  We’re at least thirty years from anything that could be considered a “cure” for cancer.  Hopefully it’s here by the time we’re all old.  But don’t hold your breath.  And don’t smoke.  It causes cancer. 

Oh by the way, I actually missed the half-court shot.  It wasn’t close.  I’m a shitty basketball player.  Just wanted to feel cool for a second.  Sorry guys. 

Alright then.  Let’s get to the picks, okay?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-1) vs ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-4)

Yes, this game has probably already ended.  But I didn’t watch it, and I haven’t checked the score on ESPN yet, so I’m writing about it anyways.  Mostly because I want to explain how stupid it is to play NFL games on Thursday night.  First and foremost, it distracts me from being productive and/or drinking.  Secondly, it’s clearly a money grab by the NFL in their attempt to expand NFL games to every night of the week.  Third, it’s not good for players.  It’s been a long time since I played high school football, but I think I’m still right when I say that it takes more than three days to recover from repeatedly slamming yourself into the biggest, fastest, strongest athletes in the world while wearing only a plastic hat for protection.  So if Roger Goodell truly cares even a little about player safety, he ought to limit NFL football to Sunday and Monday, the way God intended. 

Oh by the way, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still subconsciously rooting against Russell Wilson.  I can’t help it.  I know he gave UW the best season we’ve had in over a decade and he’s a class act.  I hope someday I get over that game but realistically, it probably won’t happen until we beat those a-holes in the playoffs.

Seattle by 10

DETROIT TIGERS vs BOSTON RED SOX

I know.  I know the Red Sox won tonight.  I know they’re up 3-2 in the series now and just a win away from going to the World Series.  I know they’ll probably close out Detroit in game six.  But I still HATE BOSTON FOR REASONS THAT AREN’T CLEAR TO ME!  Shit, I even stayed there once for a research conference and had a great time.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Go Tigers.

Detroit in 7

MIAMI HEAT (2-1) vs REST OF NBA (1-2)

Ha.  Just kidding.  Not going there yet.  I’ll get to my NBA preview in the next couple of weeks.  But I’m just gonna throw this out there now: I’ll bet any amount of money (or slaps) on the Heat this year.  Pick any other team you want.  Thunder, Spurs, Bulls, Pacers, Lakers (HAHA!), Rockets, it doesn’t matter.  Name the bet and I’ll take it.  Ten Chode Points for anyone with enough balls (or ovaries) to challenge me. 

Miami by three-peat

DEOMCRATS vs REPUBLICANS

Congratulations to both sides on working out a deal before their own dick-headed stubbornness completely screwed us all over for years to come.  No, not really.  You all suck.  See you again in January.

Still, nobody wins.  Quilling for President.

Okay, time to get to fantasy football.  I’m giving you two of my matchups this week, just so you can bask in the glory of my managerial brilliance.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (5-1) vs I WONDERLIC-ED HER (2-4)

Sole possession of first place through six weeks.  It’s time to recognize that my team is more than just a fluke.  And despite missing Randall Cobb and Jimmy Graham to injury this week, the pain train is gonna keep on rolling through my Madison league.  To make a long story short, I’m going to murder Garrison like Adrian Peterson’s illegitimate son this week. (Too soon?)  And I’d like to extend to him my sincerest congratulations on finding a way to lose four of six games so far despite having Peyton Manning.  I don’t know how you do it.  Oh wait, yes I do.  It’s because you skipped the auction and auto-drafted Montee Ball as your first RB.  Sucks to suck.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 18

TEAM ERICKSON (5-1) vs JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX (5-1)

Yes, I changed my team name again.  But I thought it was appropriate, given that Jon and I are about to face off for the Midseason Championship in my med school league.  I’m not quite as confident about this game, since his team is projected to score 160 and mine* is only set for 120.  Whatever.  As long as Jordy Nelson scores enough to make up for James Jones and Cobb, I’ll be good.  By the way, I’m going as Jordy for at least one night of Halloween this year.  I’ve been told that we look a lot alike, except for the obvious fact that I’m taller and more athletic. 

JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX by 87

Okay.  Time for a couple more thoughts before I call it quits for the week.

-       The UW football team is going to kick the living shit out of Illinois on Saturday.  Thank God it’s an away game, so I can spare myself from the difficult task of waking up at 6:00 AM and drinking until 11:00 just to watch us rush for 400 yards against the FIBs. 

-       Oregon is wearing pink uniforms on Saturday.  Because everyone knows that wearing ridiculous uniforms while playing a football game is the best way to prevent breast cancer, right?  I just feel bad for Washington State, because there are very few things more humiliating than losing to a team dressed in women’s clothing.  Quack.

-       Country music is a lot like anal sex.  If it’s forced upon you as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

- God Bless America.  Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week Six

Hello again friends, and welcome to another late, half-assed edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s currently Sunday evening, nearly all of the week’s football games have already been played, and I’m in the painful process of recovering from yet another devastating hangover brought on by 48 hours of drunken debauchery.  Shocker, I know.  Every week around this time, I promise myself that I’m going to respect the reasonable limits of my stomach and liver the next weekend, and unfortunately, every week I prove myself wrong.  Sigh.  Post-exam weekends, what are you gonna do?  Anyways, this weekend gave me the chance to do something I don’t get to do often: get hammered with my classmates.  There’s really nothing more inspiring than watching the future doctors of Wisconsin throw up all over my house, but the downside is that everything now smells like a mixture of stale beer, tequila and stomach acid.  Regardless, thank God we’re done with exams for a month or so.  Let’s get to the good and bad from this week’s sports action.

GOOD: WISCONSIN FOOTBALL TEAMS

Well, I’ll be damned.  The Badgers and Packers found a way to both win for the first week all season.  I had nearly forgotten what it feels like for all of my teams to play well at the same time.  I imagine this is the opposite of what Minnesotans feel every weekend in the fall.  And speaking of that team in purple, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have nothing but sympathy for Adrian Peterson and his family.  Sometimes, people are evil and life just plain sucks.  And if there’s a line that not even I will cross when it comes to making immature jokes, this is it.  There’s probably a lesson to be learned here other than “don’t beat up your children”, but I can’t think of it right now. 

While we’re on the subject of Wisconsin football, I need to admit that I’m starting to give up on Joel Stave.  The lopsided win over Northwestern overshadowed his less-than stellar play, but I can’t possibly imagine how Curt Phillips and Bart Houston could be any less accurate than Joel has been this year.   I can’t even make fun of Taylor Martinez in good conscience anymore because Stave is making him look like Peyton Manning by comparison.  Luckily, as I discussed last week, the schedule only gets easier from here on out until we sneak our way back into the Rose Bowl to get demolished by Oregon, Clemson or Florida State.  Can’t wait.

BAD: RANDALL COBB’S KNEE, CLAY MATTHEWS’ THUMB AND JAMES JONES’ LEG

Uh-oh.  This is trouble.  As much faith as I have in Jordy Nelson to catch anything and everything thrown in his direction, we need all three of these guys healthy to contend for a title.  Luckily, we have what amounts to an extended two-week bye with games against Cleveland and Minnesota next on the schedule.  So let’s all cross our fingers and hope that none of the three decide to pull a Derrick Rose on us and sit out for an extended period. 

Also, now seems like a good time to point out that Eddie Lacy is a much better NFL running back than Montee Ball.  I wonder who would have seen that coming before the season? Oh, that’s right.  Me. 

GOOD: BOSTON SPORTS TEAMS

Big day for Beantown today, with the Patriots knocking off the previously unbeaten Saints on a last-second touchdown pass and the Red Sox coming back from four runs down against the Tigers in the ALCS.  I’m not gonna lie, I was rooting against them both.  For reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me, I sort of despise Boston sports teams.  Not to the extent that I hate Chicago or Minnesota, but enough to make me root for just about anyone else instead.  Maybe it’s because of their stupid accents.  Or their shitty baseball stadium that they’re so damn proud of.  Or maybe I just don’t like Rajon Rondo’s face.  Either way, I’m pulling for the Tigers and the Cardinals to meet in the World Series.  Yes, the Cardinals.  Don’t judge me.  They’re the Packers of baseball. 

BAD: THE WASHINGTON INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THE POTOMAC RIVER BASIN

So I’m watching the ‘Skins-Cowboys game right now, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that nobody on defense is allowed to make contact with Robert Griffin III when he’s within five yards of the sidelines.  I’m just gonna assume this is Emperor Goodell’s doing.  Thanks again Roger, for your continued efforts to turn my favorite sport into soccer.  And no, I don’t think the name “Redskins” is overly offensive.  Washington D.C. has bigger problems anyways, namely high poverty, high crime rates and a bunch of shitheads in Congress running the country into the ground.  Maybe we should re-name them the Fighting Whiteys instead.

GOOD: MATT FLYNN

Yes, we’re going there.  For those of you who don’t know, I have a bit of a man-crush on Flynn.  Back when he rode the bench behind Aaron Rodgers, I knew it was only a matter of time before he’d find his own break as a big-time NFL quarterback.  Then in week 17 of the 2011 season, it happened.  With Rodgers sitting out because we had already clinched the #1 seed, Flynn broke just about every single-game passing record in Packer history against the Lions.  Since that game, he’s started one NFL game, but signed TWO massive contracts with Seattle and Oakland, only to be beaten out for the top job by Russell Wilson and Terelle Pryor each time.  This season, Flynn will make a little less than ten million dollars for playing a single football game in Oakland, more than the salaries of Wilson, RG3, Andrew Luck, Brandon Weeden and Ryan Tannehill COMBINED.  Well played, Matt.  Remember this moment next year when Josh Freeman is murdering the Vikings’ season and Flynn is leading the Jaguars to the playoffs.  Until further notice, he’s the most valuable quarterback in the NFL. 

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (4-1) vs A GIANT DOUCHE (3-2)

If you had told me yesterday that Jimmy Graham wouldn’t have a single damn catch all day and I’d still be winning by 15 points going into Monday, I would have called bullshit.  But that’s the benefit of having your quarterback face the Vikings’ porous defense.  Thanks, Cam Newton.  So unless T.Y. Hilton turns into Jerry Rice overnight, I think my lead is safe here.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 8

Quick narcissistic side note: a picture of me made the front page of the Chive last week.  It’s from the 2012 Mifflin block party and I have no idea who stole it from my Facebook wall and sent it to the Chive.  But thank you, whoever you are.  The link is here.  And I don’t have a funny video for you this time, somebody help me out.  Not you, Bianca. 

Welp, it’s midnight, time to see if I can fall asleep sober for once on a Sunday night.  I’m getting too old for this.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 5

Hope.  We still have hope, ladies and gentlemen.  It’s currently Saturday night in Madison, Wisconsin, and I’ve spent the past few hours listening to my fellow students foolishly root for Northwestern to beat Ohio State in a football game.  Why?  I have no idea.  Because no matter how bitter we may collectively be about last week’s loss, and no matter how much we may hate (oh how I hate) OH-HI-OH STATE, the truth is we should be the biggest Buckeye fans outside of Columbus for the next three months.  Bear with me, please.  Let’s break down the reasons why we need Urban Meyer’s squad to keep winning for as long as possible, in order of least to most important, shall we?

First reason: there is only one team from the Midwest that stands a chance of ending the SEC’s reign of terror over the BCS this season.  It’s not us. 

Second reason: every game that Ohio State wins makes our seven-point loss look better to the BCS computers. 

Third reason: Northwestern University is in Illinois.  You do not EVER root for a team from Illinois, unless it immediately benefits a Wisconsin team. 

Fourth and by far the most important reason:  There is only one plausible scenario in which the Badgers make it to a fourth consecutive Rose Bowl.  It involves the Buckeyes winning out and making the national championship game.  This would mean that the second-highest ranked Big Ten team would be eligible for a BCS at-large bid.  And in recent years, the second-highest ranked Big Ten team has not been the one that loses the Big Ten championship game.  It’s been the second-place team from the Big Ten champion’s division.  And do you know who is most likely to finish second behind Ohio State in the Leaders division this year?  The Wisconsin fucking Badgers, that’s who.  So to recap the important points from above, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US THAT THE BUCKEYES KEEP WINNING.  Like it or not, that’s how college football works.  And please, spare me your stupid, mindless arguments until you’ve actually read the rules behind the BCS selection process. 

Whew.  Sorry to start the Chode Picks off on such a hostile note, but this has been bothering me for a while.  Especially when the dumb arguments are coming from so-called “diehard Badger fans”.  Going to school here for a few years does not make you a good fan.  A little bit of real passion, intelligence and common sense does though.  Anyways, despite their recent struggles, I really think we have a decent shot at the dream scenario mentioned above.  The truth is, our schedule is pretty damn easy from here on out.  We get Northwestern at home next Saturday, and after that our next biggest challenge is a trip to Iowa.  So unless we royally screw ourselves over and lose to another inferior team (looking at you, Arizona State), we should win out for the rest of the regular season.  That would leave us with ten wins and two losses on the season, and in excellent shape to grab a spot in one of the BCS bowls.  Otherwise, we go to Orlando for the Capital One Bowl (remember when that used to be a good thing?), or San Antonio for the Outback Bowl if we lose again. 

But besides college football, this week also presents hope for the most important football team in Wisconsin, the Green Bay Packers.  After Detroit served Chicago their first loss of the season last week, we now stand one victory away from climbing into a virtual tie for first place with the Lions.  Now, this won’t be an easy game by any stretch of the imagination, but if we can’t beat Detroit in Lambeau, where they haven’t won for the past 22 years, then we’re not ready to contend for a title this season anyways.  In basketball terms, consider it an early game seven.  And speaking of basketball, so far this football season has done the unimaginable: making me miss the NBA in lieu of the NFL, because watching my team win all the time is far more fun than watching my team struggle.  And as long as we’re on the topic of basketball…

Nope.  Not going to do it.  I’m going to spare you all a digression about my man crush on the Heat.  For at least one week anyways.  Consider it my personal way of getting even with LeBron for cheering on Ohio State last weekend (Not that I blame him though.  I can imagine rooting for the Buckeyes is the only way to distract yourself from the constant depression that comes from growing up in Ohio).  And although it now seems like no Wisconsin football player has a shot at winning the Hesiman this year, there’s still some glory left to be had for one individual at UW: Jared Abbrederis.  Until further notice, the “Gordon for Heisman” campaign has been abandoned for the “Abbrederis for Biletnikoff” push.  That’s right.  My favorite walk-on has somehow willed himself into consideration for the Fred Biletnikoff award, given each season to college football’s most outstanding wide receiver.  On a more personal note, I once shared a college dorm room with Abbrederis for a week in high school during a summer football camp.  Nicest guy I’ve ever met.  And yes, he was a much better athlete than me.  Still is, believe it or not.  And if you’re still asking yourself right now “who the hell is Fred Biletnikoff?” fuck you.  That’s all.

Anyways, time to get to the Picks.  I’d like to remind you all that it’s exam week for me ,so they’re going to be shorter than usual.  Not that anyone reads them from start to finish anyways.  Hell, I stopped proofreading last spring.

COLLEGE HOCKEY: WISCONSIN (0-0) vs REST OF BIG TEN (0-0)

Ah, college hockey.  The hidden jewel of sports.  The only game left where you can get tickets for $15 and still enjoy nearly all of the drunken bliss of a Badger football experience.  If you haven’t been paying attention for the past few years (let’s be honest: you haven’t), you might not know that this season marks the inauguration of the Big Ten Hockey Conference.  This follows a major realignment of all the major college hockey conferences, which leaves the Badgers in an embarrassingly advantageous position.  You see, there are only three Big Ten teams that are worth a damn in hockey: Wisconsin, Minnesota and Michigan.  So for the next decade or so, the Badgers, Gophers and Wolverines will be fighting it out for the conference crown, while the other three teams (yes, there’s a whopping total of six teams in the league) sink to the bottom.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Penn State had to promote their club team and throw a few soccer players on skates in just to field a full squad.  And of course, this means we don’t have to play those dickheads from North Dakota anymore (you know who you are).  Hooray. 

WISCONSIN by two games.

HOUSE REPUBLICANS (0-INFINITY) vs SENATE DEMOCRATS (0-INFINITY TIMES INFINITY)

WHO CARES!?!  JUST PASS A DAMN BILL AND GET THE GOVERNMENT RUNNING AGAIN, ASSHOLES!! THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO RUN THE COUNTRY!!

Nobody wins.  Nobody.

FANTASY FOOTBALL:  ROBERT GRIFFIN THE TURD (3-1) vs TEAM ZIEGELE (0-4)

There’s really only one thing you need to know about Mike Ziegele’s team this year: he has Peyton Manning and has still found a way to lose all four games so far.  Simply stunning.  Needless to say, I’m going to treat him like a three-year old Rottweiler in Michael Vick’s backyard.  I win. 

ROBERT GRIFFIN THE TURD by 7

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) vs DETROIT LIONS (3-1)

Mike McCarthy is 6-1 following a bye week.  The Detroit Lions are 0-20 over the past two decades in Lambeau.  Enough said.

PACKERS by 10

Once again, my apologies for an abbreviated version of the Chode Picks.  I promise to do better next week.  But I really need to study some more.  After all, you might just wind up in my care sometime over the next few decades.  Good Lord, that’s terrifying.

- Chode out.