Chode Picks – Week 5

Hope.  We still have hope, ladies and gentlemen.  It’s currently Saturday night in Madison, Wisconsin, and I’ve spent the past few hours listening to my fellow students foolishly root for Northwestern to beat Ohio State in a football game.  Why?  I have no idea.  Because no matter how bitter we may collectively be about last week’s loss, and no matter how much we may hate (oh how I hate) OH-HI-OH STATE, the truth is we should be the biggest Buckeye fans outside of Columbus for the next three months.  Bear with me, please.  Let’s break down the reasons why we need Urban Meyer’s squad to keep winning for as long as possible, in order of least to most important, shall we?

First reason: there is only one team from the Midwest that stands a chance of ending the SEC’s reign of terror over the BCS this season.  It’s not us. 

Second reason: every game that Ohio State wins makes our seven-point loss look better to the BCS computers. 

Third reason: Northwestern University is in Illinois.  You do not EVER root for a team from Illinois, unless it immediately benefits a Wisconsin team. 

Fourth and by far the most important reason:  There is only one plausible scenario in which the Badgers make it to a fourth consecutive Rose Bowl.  It involves the Buckeyes winning out and making the national championship game.  This would mean that the second-highest ranked Big Ten team would be eligible for a BCS at-large bid.  And in recent years, the second-highest ranked Big Ten team has not been the one that loses the Big Ten championship game.  It’s been the second-place team from the Big Ten champion’s division.  And do you know who is most likely to finish second behind Ohio State in the Leaders division this year?  The Wisconsin fucking Badgers, that’s who.  So to recap the important points from above, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US THAT THE BUCKEYES KEEP WINNING.  Like it or not, that’s how college football works.  And please, spare me your stupid, mindless arguments until you’ve actually read the rules behind the BCS selection process. 

Whew.  Sorry to start the Chode Picks off on such a hostile note, but this has been bothering me for a while.  Especially when the dumb arguments are coming from so-called “diehard Badger fans”.  Going to school here for a few years does not make you a good fan.  A little bit of real passion, intelligence and common sense does though.  Anyways, despite their recent struggles, I really think we have a decent shot at the dream scenario mentioned above.  The truth is, our schedule is pretty damn easy from here on out.  We get Northwestern at home next Saturday, and after that our next biggest challenge is a trip to Iowa.  So unless we royally screw ourselves over and lose to another inferior team (looking at you, Arizona State), we should win out for the rest of the regular season.  That would leave us with ten wins and two losses on the season, and in excellent shape to grab a spot in one of the BCS bowls.  Otherwise, we go to Orlando for the Capital One Bowl (remember when that used to be a good thing?), or San Antonio for the Outback Bowl if we lose again. 

But besides college football, this week also presents hope for the most important football team in Wisconsin, the Green Bay Packers.  After Detroit served Chicago their first loss of the season last week, we now stand one victory away from climbing into a virtual tie for first place with the Lions.  Now, this won’t be an easy game by any stretch of the imagination, but if we can’t beat Detroit in Lambeau, where they haven’t won for the past 22 years, then we’re not ready to contend for a title this season anyways.  In basketball terms, consider it an early game seven.  And speaking of basketball, so far this football season has done the unimaginable: making me miss the NBA in lieu of the NFL, because watching my team win all the time is far more fun than watching my team struggle.  And as long as we’re on the topic of basketball…

Nope.  Not going to do it.  I’m going to spare you all a digression about my man crush on the Heat.  For at least one week anyways.  Consider it my personal way of getting even with LeBron for cheering on Ohio State last weekend (Not that I blame him though.  I can imagine rooting for the Buckeyes is the only way to distract yourself from the constant depression that comes from growing up in Ohio).  And although it now seems like no Wisconsin football player has a shot at winning the Hesiman this year, there’s still some glory left to be had for one individual at UW: Jared Abbrederis.  Until further notice, the “Gordon for Heisman” campaign has been abandoned for the “Abbrederis for Biletnikoff” push.  That’s right.  My favorite walk-on has somehow willed himself into consideration for the Fred Biletnikoff award, given each season to college football’s most outstanding wide receiver.  On a more personal note, I once shared a college dorm room with Abbrederis for a week in high school during a summer football camp.  Nicest guy I’ve ever met.  And yes, he was a much better athlete than me.  Still is, believe it or not.  And if you’re still asking yourself right now “who the hell is Fred Biletnikoff?” fuck you.  That’s all.

Anyways, time to get to the Picks.  I’d like to remind you all that it’s exam week for me ,so they’re going to be shorter than usual.  Not that anyone reads them from start to finish anyways.  Hell, I stopped proofreading last spring.

COLLEGE HOCKEY: WISCONSIN (0-0) vs REST OF BIG TEN (0-0)

Ah, college hockey.  The hidden jewel of sports.  The only game left where you can get tickets for $15 and still enjoy nearly all of the drunken bliss of a Badger football experience.  If you haven’t been paying attention for the past few years (let’s be honest: you haven’t), you might not know that this season marks the inauguration of the Big Ten Hockey Conference.  This follows a major realignment of all the major college hockey conferences, which leaves the Badgers in an embarrassingly advantageous position.  You see, there are only three Big Ten teams that are worth a damn in hockey: Wisconsin, Minnesota and Michigan.  So for the next decade or so, the Badgers, Gophers and Wolverines will be fighting it out for the conference crown, while the other three teams (yes, there’s a whopping total of six teams in the league) sink to the bottom.  In fact, I’m pretty sure Penn State had to promote their club team and throw a few soccer players on skates in just to field a full squad.  And of course, this means we don’t have to play those dickheads from North Dakota anymore (you know who you are).  Hooray. 

WISCONSIN by two games.

HOUSE REPUBLICANS (0-INFINITY) vs SENATE DEMOCRATS (0-INFINITY TIMES INFINITY)

WHO CARES!?!  JUST PASS A DAMN BILL AND GET THE GOVERNMENT RUNNING AGAIN, ASSHOLES!! THIS IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO RUN THE COUNTRY!!

Nobody wins.  Nobody.

FANTASY FOOTBALL:  ROBERT GRIFFIN THE TURD (3-1) vs TEAM ZIEGELE (0-4)

There’s really only one thing you need to know about Mike Ziegele’s team this year: he has Peyton Manning and has still found a way to lose all four games so far.  Simply stunning.  Needless to say, I’m going to treat him like a three-year old Rottweiler in Michael Vick’s backyard.  I win. 

ROBERT GRIFFIN THE TURD by 7

GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-2) vs DETROIT LIONS (3-1)

Mike McCarthy is 6-1 following a bye week.  The Detroit Lions are 0-20 over the past two decades in Lambeau.  Enough said.

PACKERS by 10

Once again, my apologies for an abbreviated version of the Chode Picks.  I promise to do better next week.  But I really need to study some more.  After all, you might just wind up in my care sometime over the next few decades.  Good Lord, that’s terrifying.

- Chode out.