Chode Picks – Week 7

Surprise!  Welcome back to an extra-special EARLY edition of the Chode Picks!!  That’s right, it’s Thursday in Madison, center of the known universe, and there has not yet been a single game of football played this week.  As such, given my recent half-assed approach to the Picks, I’ve decided to get back to my roots and publish this garbage on the day I originally intended.  For those of you who have been reading me for the entire eight-year saga (all three of you), you might remember that the Chode Picks used to be faithfully submitted on Thursday every week for your reading pleasure (seriously).  Sadly, over the many years, school, girls, laziness and my love of sweet, sweet alcohol has usually gotten in the way of instead.  But not this week, damn it.  This week, you get nothing less than the full-frontal Chode experience.  You’re welcome.

And in the spirit of my renewed commitment to my readers, I’m bringing back an old tradition: Chode Points.  So for every week until the end of the season, I’ll be issuing a challenge to all of you for a specified amount of points.  The lucky reader who ends up with the most points at the end of the year will receive one of three fantastic prizes from yours truly.

1)   A six-pack of the nicest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

2)   A case of the shittiest beer I can purchase at Miller’s Liquor.  OR…

3)   A shot of your choosing provided you can find me at a bar in Madison, Menomonie or anywhere in between.  Yes, any shot.  Wild Turkey, Patron, Grey Goose, Q-Bombs sprinkled with my tears and flecks of sterling silver, you name it.  I’ll buy it. 

For this week’s challenge, we’ll start with an easy one because I know my readers, and asking more than bare minimum effort isn’t going to get us anywhere.  So for ten Chode Points, name the athletic director who preceded Barry Alvarez at UW in the comments below.  Simple, easy and you’ve got a headstart on the race towards a case of Beer 30 Ice.  Just kidding.  Miller’s Liquor doesn’t sell beer that shitty, unfortunately.  By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is sponsored by Miller’s Liquor on University Avenue. 

Anyways, I want to thank everyone reading this for sticking with me through what were admittedly two subpar editions of the Chode Picks the past two weeks.  Just know that I will immediately retract this apology after you soil yourself reading this week’s edition from its sheer awesomeness.  You see, I’m taking a break from studying tonight, because a thousand pages of pathophysiology over the past two months have succeeded in leeching the humanity from me and nearly made me forget why I wanted to become a doctor in the first place: to make a fuckload of money.  Hey, at least I’m honest.  During my freshman year of college (WAY back in the day) I realized that all I really wanted from life was enough money to let me get drunk whenever I wanted.  Shallow, yes I know.  But five years later, now that I’ve grown into an adult, I’ve discovered the one thing that will bring me true joy: enough money to get drunk off single-malt scotch on my luxury yacht whenever I want.  You know, sometimes in life it’s the big things that matter the most.  Like money.  Sweet, sweet money.  Hey, speaking of rich dudes…

BO RYAN!!  No, it’s not college basketball season yet.  But the highest-paid public employee in Wisconsin held a fundraiser named “Shooting Down Cancer” today at the Kohl Center a couple miles from my house.  Every UW student was invited to show up this afternoon and raise money for cancer research by shooting a free-throw and a half-court shot.  If you make the free throw, Bo donates $10.  If you make the half-court shot, he donates $1,000.  And for just showing up, he donates $1.  So naturally, I decided to run over after class and show off my sick basketball skills while taking a small bite out of Coach Ryan’s salary (the dude makes over $2 million a year).  I got there about 20 minutes early, so I was one of the first 20 people to shoot.  As I stepped to the free throw line, I could feel the anticipation building in the crowd.  Point guard George Marshall handed me the ball and muttered something that I’m going to assume was “good luck” (honestly, I can never understand a word he says).  I calmly took two dribbles, spun the ball in my hands, did my LeBron deep-knee bend… and bricked that sonofabitch off the side of the rim.  Damn it.  No matter.  I still had the half-court heave to redeem myself as a world-class athlete.  After jogging to midcourt and skillfully catching a pass from Sam Dekker, I gathered myself, took a running start, launched it straight at the basket and... SWISH!!!  THREE POINTS FOR CHODE AND A THOUSAND DOLLARS FOR BO RYAN!!  The crowd went nuts.  After taking a celebratory picture with Bo and respectfully declining a spot on the team, I jogged home with the warm, happy glow of knowing that I made a difference in the battle against cancer.  In fact, with over $66,000 raised today for cancer research by UW, I think that might just be enough to put an end to the world’s most ubiquitous illness once and for all.  LOL.  Just kidding.  We’re at least thirty years from anything that could be considered a “cure” for cancer.  Hopefully it’s here by the time we’re all old.  But don’t hold your breath.  And don’t smoke.  It causes cancer. 

Oh by the way, I actually missed the half-court shot.  It wasn’t close.  I’m a shitty basketball player.  Just wanted to feel cool for a second.  Sorry guys. 

Alright then.  Let’s get to the picks, okay?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (5-1) vs ARIZONA CARDINALS (3-4)

Yes, this game has probably already ended.  But I didn’t watch it, and I haven’t checked the score on ESPN yet, so I’m writing about it anyways.  Mostly because I want to explain how stupid it is to play NFL games on Thursday night.  First and foremost, it distracts me from being productive and/or drinking.  Secondly, it’s clearly a money grab by the NFL in their attempt to expand NFL games to every night of the week.  Third, it’s not good for players.  It’s been a long time since I played high school football, but I think I’m still right when I say that it takes more than three days to recover from repeatedly slamming yourself into the biggest, fastest, strongest athletes in the world while wearing only a plastic hat for protection.  So if Roger Goodell truly cares even a little about player safety, he ought to limit NFL football to Sunday and Monday, the way God intended. 

Oh by the way, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m still subconsciously rooting against Russell Wilson.  I can’t help it.  I know he gave UW the best season we’ve had in over a decade and he’s a class act.  I hope someday I get over that game but realistically, it probably won’t happen until we beat those a-holes in the playoffs.

Seattle by 10

DETROIT TIGERS vs BOSTON RED SOX

I know.  I know the Red Sox won tonight.  I know they’re up 3-2 in the series now and just a win away from going to the World Series.  I know they’ll probably close out Detroit in game six.  But I still HATE BOSTON FOR REASONS THAT AREN’T CLEAR TO ME!  Shit, I even stayed there once for a research conference and had a great time.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Go Tigers.

Detroit in 7

MIAMI HEAT (2-1) vs REST OF NBA (1-2)

Ha.  Just kidding.  Not going there yet.  I’ll get to my NBA preview in the next couple of weeks.  But I’m just gonna throw this out there now: I’ll bet any amount of money (or slaps) on the Heat this year.  Pick any other team you want.  Thunder, Spurs, Bulls, Pacers, Lakers (HAHA!), Rockets, it doesn’t matter.  Name the bet and I’ll take it.  Ten Chode Points for anyone with enough balls (or ovaries) to challenge me. 

Miami by three-peat

DEOMCRATS vs REPUBLICANS

Congratulations to both sides on working out a deal before their own dick-headed stubbornness completely screwed us all over for years to come.  No, not really.  You all suck.  See you again in January.

Still, nobody wins.  Quilling for President.

Okay, time to get to fantasy football.  I’m giving you two of my matchups this week, just so you can bask in the glory of my managerial brilliance.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (5-1) vs I WONDERLIC-ED HER (2-4)

Sole possession of first place through six weeks.  It’s time to recognize that my team is more than just a fluke.  And despite missing Randall Cobb and Jimmy Graham to injury this week, the pain train is gonna keep on rolling through my Madison league.  To make a long story short, I’m going to murder Garrison like Adrian Peterson’s illegitimate son this week. (Too soon?)  And I’d like to extend to him my sincerest congratulations on finding a way to lose four of six games so far despite having Peyton Manning.  I don’t know how you do it.  Oh wait, yes I do.  It’s because you skipped the auction and auto-drafted Montee Ball as your first RB.  Sucks to suck.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 18

TEAM ERICKSON (5-1) vs JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX (5-1)

Yes, I changed my team name again.  But I thought it was appropriate, given that Jon and I are about to face off for the Midseason Championship in my med school league.  I’m not quite as confident about this game, since his team is projected to score 160 and mine* is only set for 120.  Whatever.  As long as Jordy Nelson scores enough to make up for James Jones and Cobb, I’ll be good.  By the way, I’m going as Jordy for at least one night of Halloween this year.  I’ve been told that we look a lot alike, except for the obvious fact that I’m taller and more athletic. 

JON ERICKSON PAYS FOR SEX by 87

Okay.  Time for a couple more thoughts before I call it quits for the week.

-       The UW football team is going to kick the living shit out of Illinois on Saturday.  Thank God it’s an away game, so I can spare myself from the difficult task of waking up at 6:00 AM and drinking until 11:00 just to watch us rush for 400 yards against the FIBs. 

-       Oregon is wearing pink uniforms on Saturday.  Because everyone knows that wearing ridiculous uniforms while playing a football game is the best way to prevent breast cancer, right?  I just feel bad for Washington State, because there are very few things more humiliating than losing to a team dressed in women’s clothing.  Quack.

-       Country music is a lot like anal sex.  If it’s forced upon you as a child, you won’t enjoy it as an adult.

- God Bless America.  Chode Out.