Chode Picks - Week Six

Hello again friends, and welcome to another late, half-assed edition of the Chode Picks!  It’s currently Sunday evening, nearly all of the week’s football games have already been played, and I’m in the painful process of recovering from yet another devastating hangover brought on by 48 hours of drunken debauchery.  Shocker, I know.  Every week around this time, I promise myself that I’m going to respect the reasonable limits of my stomach and liver the next weekend, and unfortunately, every week I prove myself wrong.  Sigh.  Post-exam weekends, what are you gonna do?  Anyways, this weekend gave me the chance to do something I don’t get to do often: get hammered with my classmates.  There’s really nothing more inspiring than watching the future doctors of Wisconsin throw up all over my house, but the downside is that everything now smells like a mixture of stale beer, tequila and stomach acid.  Regardless, thank God we’re done with exams for a month or so.  Let’s get to the good and bad from this week’s sports action.

GOOD: WISCONSIN FOOTBALL TEAMS

Well, I’ll be damned.  The Badgers and Packers found a way to both win for the first week all season.  I had nearly forgotten what it feels like for all of my teams to play well at the same time.  I imagine this is the opposite of what Minnesotans feel every weekend in the fall.  And speaking of that team in purple, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I have nothing but sympathy for Adrian Peterson and his family.  Sometimes, people are evil and life just plain sucks.  And if there’s a line that not even I will cross when it comes to making immature jokes, this is it.  There’s probably a lesson to be learned here other than “don’t beat up your children”, but I can’t think of it right now. 

While we’re on the subject of Wisconsin football, I need to admit that I’m starting to give up on Joel Stave.  The lopsided win over Northwestern overshadowed his less-than stellar play, but I can’t possibly imagine how Curt Phillips and Bart Houston could be any less accurate than Joel has been this year.   I can’t even make fun of Taylor Martinez in good conscience anymore because Stave is making him look like Peyton Manning by comparison.  Luckily, as I discussed last week, the schedule only gets easier from here on out until we sneak our way back into the Rose Bowl to get demolished by Oregon, Clemson or Florida State.  Can’t wait.

BAD: RANDALL COBB’S KNEE, CLAY MATTHEWS’ THUMB AND JAMES JONES’ LEG

Uh-oh.  This is trouble.  As much faith as I have in Jordy Nelson to catch anything and everything thrown in his direction, we need all three of these guys healthy to contend for a title.  Luckily, we have what amounts to an extended two-week bye with games against Cleveland and Minnesota next on the schedule.  So let’s all cross our fingers and hope that none of the three decide to pull a Derrick Rose on us and sit out for an extended period. 

Also, now seems like a good time to point out that Eddie Lacy is a much better NFL running back than Montee Ball.  I wonder who would have seen that coming before the season? Oh, that’s right.  Me. 

GOOD: BOSTON SPORTS TEAMS

Big day for Beantown today, with the Patriots knocking off the previously unbeaten Saints on a last-second touchdown pass and the Red Sox coming back from four runs down against the Tigers in the ALCS.  I’m not gonna lie, I was rooting against them both.  For reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me, I sort of despise Boston sports teams.  Not to the extent that I hate Chicago or Minnesota, but enough to make me root for just about anyone else instead.  Maybe it’s because of their stupid accents.  Or their shitty baseball stadium that they’re so damn proud of.  Or maybe I just don’t like Rajon Rondo’s face.  Either way, I’m pulling for the Tigers and the Cardinals to meet in the World Series.  Yes, the Cardinals.  Don’t judge me.  They’re the Packers of baseball. 

BAD: THE WASHINGTON INDIGENOUS PEOPLE OF THE POTOMAC RIVER BASIN

So I’m watching the ‘Skins-Cowboys game right now, and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that nobody on defense is allowed to make contact with Robert Griffin III when he’s within five yards of the sidelines.  I’m just gonna assume this is Emperor Goodell’s doing.  Thanks again Roger, for your continued efforts to turn my favorite sport into soccer.  And no, I don’t think the name “Redskins” is overly offensive.  Washington D.C. has bigger problems anyways, namely high poverty, high crime rates and a bunch of shitheads in Congress running the country into the ground.  Maybe we should re-name them the Fighting Whiteys instead.

GOOD: MATT FLYNN

Yes, we’re going there.  For those of you who don’t know, I have a bit of a man-crush on Flynn.  Back when he rode the bench behind Aaron Rodgers, I knew it was only a matter of time before he’d find his own break as a big-time NFL quarterback.  Then in week 17 of the 2011 season, it happened.  With Rodgers sitting out because we had already clinched the #1 seed, Flynn broke just about every single-game passing record in Packer history against the Lions.  Since that game, he’s started one NFL game, but signed TWO massive contracts with Seattle and Oakland, only to be beaten out for the top job by Russell Wilson and Terelle Pryor each time.  This season, Flynn will make a little less than ten million dollars for playing a single football game in Oakland, more than the salaries of Wilson, RG3, Andrew Luck, Brandon Weeden and Ryan Tannehill COMBINED.  Well played, Matt.  Remember this moment next year when Josh Freeman is murdering the Vikings’ season and Flynn is leading the Jaguars to the playoffs.  Until further notice, he’s the most valuable quarterback in the NFL. 

FANTASY FOOTBALL: KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG (4-1) vs A GIANT DOUCHE (3-2)

If you had told me yesterday that Jimmy Graham wouldn’t have a single damn catch all day and I’d still be winning by 15 points going into Monday, I would have called bullshit.  But that’s the benefit of having your quarterback face the Vikings’ porous defense.  Thanks, Cam Newton.  So unless T.Y. Hilton turns into Jerry Rice overnight, I think my lead is safe here.

KIDDIE KIDDIE BANG BANG by 8

Quick narcissistic side note: a picture of me made the front page of the Chive last week.  It’s from the 2012 Mifflin block party and I have no idea who stole it from my Facebook wall and sent it to the Chive.  But thank you, whoever you are.  The link is here.  And I don’t have a funny video for you this time, somebody help me out.  Not you, Bianca. 

Welp, it’s midnight, time to see if I can fall asleep sober for once on a Sunday night.  I’m getting too old for this.

- Chode Out.