Surprise! I’m back to kick your ass with eight to sixteen editions of man’s greatest accomplishment, the Chode Picks. I just put the finishing touches on a brilliant fantasy football draft, with Jimmy Graham and Ray “Iron Fist” Rice ready to carry me to another title. But let’s be honest: none of you give a shit about my fantasy football team. Let me fill you in on all of the sports-related happenings since the last time we met. Fair warning, this edition is going to have a slightly different tone than my usual confident, triumphant prose, mostly because my favorite teams have been getting shit on for the past two months. So if you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for years, waiting for me to get my comeuppance, this one’s for you. Enjoy it, Minnesota/Chicago fans. Let’s break it down by team.
GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)
It’s currently Friday afternoon in Madison, Wisconsin,
center of the known universe, and I’ve got that strange variety of hangover
that makes your entire body hurt except your head. It’s hard to tell if the
pain is beer-induced from last night’s bender or merely the aftereffects of a
season-opening ass kicking at the hands of Russell Wilson and his merry band of
dickheads. It pains me to admit this,
but the Seahawks are clearly a better team than the Green Bay Packers right
now. And you know what? After 40 odd
years of being terrible and losing the Supersonics to Oklahoma City, those fans
probably deserve it. Congratulations on your world championship banner,
Seattle. Just remember that the only reason we don’t hang them in Lambeau is
because THERE’S NOT ENOUGH SPACE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING STADIUM TO FIT THEM ALL!!
Even though I despise the Seahawks for what they’ve done to my beloved Pack over the past few seasons, I have to admit if they were in the AFC I’d probably root for them, and I’d trade rosters in a heartbeat if you gave me the chance. Unless you’re a Michigan State grad, I don’t see how anyone can honestly say they dislike Russell Wilson, and even Richard Sherman has grown on me. Over the years I’ve developed an appreciation for athletes who are talented enough to play at the highest level while still maintaining a good amount of intelligence. Other than Marshawn Lynch, the previous sentence describes pretty much Seattle’s entire roster. This, of course, makes them the polar opposite of the next football team we need to cover…
Even though I despise the Seahawks for what they’ve done to my beloved Pack over the past few seasons, I have to admit if they were in the AFC I’d probably root for them, and I’d trade rosters in a heartbeat if you gave me the chance. Unless you’re a Michigan State grad, I don’t see how anyone can honestly say they dislike Russell Wilson, and even Richard Sherman has grown on me. Over the years I’ve developed an appreciation for athletes who are talented enough to play at the highest level while still maintaining a good amount of intelligence. Other than Marshawn Lynch, the previous sentence describes pretty much Seattle’s entire roster. This, of course, makes them the polar opposite of the next football team we need to cover…
WISCONSIN BADGERS (0-1)
Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s the reason we’re 0-1 instead of 1-0 right now. Not because we’re less talented than LSU (although that’s also true). Over the past 20 years, Wisconsin football teams have compensated for a lack of talent by being smarter and more disciplined than their opponents, and the result has been consistent success with the occasional Big Ten title thrown in for good measure. This team seems ready to buck the trend by combining a modest amount of talent with the mental capacity of a sixth grader. Sadly, there’s one person to blame, and we can’t fire him. No, not Tanner McEvoy (I’ll get to him in a second). Bret Bielema. These are his recruits, and it shows in the worst possible way. Unfortunately, the one guy with a decent head on his shoulders, Joel Stave, is sidelined indefinitely with a mysterious injury. So we’re stuck with McEasilyintercepted (I’ll come up with a better name eventually) alternating between overthrowing receivers by 20 yards and chucking the ball into the turf on 3rd and 10. I came into this season with very low expectations for McErrantpass and he has failed to meet them. I don’t want to succumb to hyperbole here, but we would have beaten LSU with Allan Evridge under center. No, I don’t care how big and fast he is, because I’m fairly certain there are at least two people reading this blog that have a better passing arm. Move him back to safety and burn the redshirt on D.J. Gillins. Not that it matters for the next three games, because the rest of our nonconference schedule is softer than Michael Sam’s penis at the Playboy mansion. Here’s hoping we can drop 60 on Western Illinois tomorrow to make me feel better.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s the reason we’re 0-1 instead of 1-0 right now. Not because we’re less talented than LSU (although that’s also true). Over the past 20 years, Wisconsin football teams have compensated for a lack of talent by being smarter and more disciplined than their opponents, and the result has been consistent success with the occasional Big Ten title thrown in for good measure. This team seems ready to buck the trend by combining a modest amount of talent with the mental capacity of a sixth grader. Sadly, there’s one person to blame, and we can’t fire him. No, not Tanner McEvoy (I’ll get to him in a second). Bret Bielema. These are his recruits, and it shows in the worst possible way. Unfortunately, the one guy with a decent head on his shoulders, Joel Stave, is sidelined indefinitely with a mysterious injury. So we’re stuck with McEasilyintercepted (I’ll come up with a better name eventually) alternating between overthrowing receivers by 20 yards and chucking the ball into the turf on 3rd and 10. I came into this season with very low expectations for McErrantpass and he has failed to meet them. I don’t want to succumb to hyperbole here, but we would have beaten LSU with Allan Evridge under center. No, I don’t care how big and fast he is, because I’m fairly certain there are at least two people reading this blog that have a better passing arm. Move him back to safety and burn the redshirt on D.J. Gillins. Not that it matters for the next three games, because the rest of our nonconference schedule is softer than Michael Sam’s penis at the Playboy mansion. Here’s hoping we can drop 60 on Western Illinois tomorrow to make me feel better.
Poop break. Back in
10-15 minutes.
MIAMI HEAT (0-0)
Let’s hear it. I know you’ve been waiting for years. Deep down, we all knew LeBron was eventually going back to Cleveland, and I must say I’m quite disappointed in all of you for not making more of an attempt to rub it in. After four years of me being a cocky asshole about my team, I deserve it. That being said, I was moderately offended by the number of people who assumed I was going to drop my team and root for the Cavs. You must think I’m some kind of amoral monster. And while I’m certainly going to enjoy watching LeBron kick the Bulls out of the playoffs next spring yet again, I’ll enjoy it even more when Bosh, Wade, Luol Deng and company beat Cleveland in seven games, go back to the Finals for the 5th season in a row and LOSE TO THE DAMNED SPURS IN FIVE GAMES! You heard it here first. Bosh for MVP.
MIAMI HEAT (0-0)
Let’s hear it. I know you’ve been waiting for years. Deep down, we all knew LeBron was eventually going back to Cleveland, and I must say I’m quite disappointed in all of you for not making more of an attempt to rub it in. After four years of me being a cocky asshole about my team, I deserve it. That being said, I was moderately offended by the number of people who assumed I was going to drop my team and root for the Cavs. You must think I’m some kind of amoral monster. And while I’m certainly going to enjoy watching LeBron kick the Bulls out of the playoffs next spring yet again, I’ll enjoy it even more when Bosh, Wade, Luol Deng and company beat Cleveland in seven games, go back to the Finals for the 5th season in a row and LOSE TO THE DAMNED SPURS IN FIVE GAMES! You heard it here first. Bosh for MVP.
USA BASKETBALL (159-8)
Most of you were probably unaware that the World Cup of
Basketball is going on in Spain right now.
It’s a lot like the World Cup of soccer, except we’re Germany, Brazil,
Argentina and the Netherlands all rolled into one. The knockout round starts tomorrow with USA
squaring off against Mexico, and you’ll be shocked to hear that we finished
pool play undefeated rolling out our B-team of Anthony Davis, Kyrie Irving,
Steph Curry, James Harden and Kenneth Faried.
The only reason I mention this is because a final matchup with Spain
(Pau and Marc Gasol, Serge Ibaka, Ricky Rubio and Juan Carlos Navarro) is
looming next Sunday at 2:00 PM. If you don’t watch, you’re a shitty patriot and
that’s all there is to it.
MILWAUKEE BREWERS (73-67)
Current losing streak: nine games and counting. Assuming we find a way to sneak into the playoffs, I can pretty much guarantee we’re getting our asses handed to us by the Cardinals. I’ve seen this movie before. At least we’re not the Cubs.
Current losing streak: nine games and counting. Assuming we find a way to sneak into the playoffs, I can pretty much guarantee we’re getting our asses handed to us by the Cardinals. I’ve seen this movie before. At least we’re not the Cubs.
This week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by
one of my all-time favorite sponsors, Four Loko. I picked up a case of the new formula for the
dirt-cheap price of $9.99 last week, and somehow I’m still disappointed. Drinking decaffeinated Loko is like watching
Michael Jordan play for the Wizards; I know how much better it used to be.
Before we wrap it up this week, I want to touch on a more
serious note. As some of you know, I
recently finished my surgery rotation in med school. In between feeling
miserable, hungry and sleep-deprived for 8 weeks, I got to do some pretty cool
shit. But the most awesome thing I got to be a part of wasn’t cutting open a
dude’s skull or helping amputate a leg (although those both kicked ass). It was talking to a 52-year old man in
perfect health who decided to donate his kidney anonymously to a stranger
because “someone needs it more than me”.
That man is a hero in a way that none of the men we cheer for on
Saturday or Sunday ever could be. So I want to ask you all a favor. Go to
donorregistry.wisconsin.gov and sign up to be an organ donor. The orange dot on
your driver’s license actually isn’t legally binding. I know it’s not the most pleasant thing to
think about, but I’d like to think that if I kick the bucket sooner than
expected, someone else can keep living with my lungs, heart and kidneys
(Probably not my liver though. Sorry).
PACK!
GO!
- Chode Out.
- Chode Out.
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