Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome back to
week 3 of the world’s foremost authority on all things sports, alcohol and
otherwise, the Chode Picks! Week 2 was a
success, with the Green Bay Packers asserting their dominance over the
powerhouse New York Jets and the Wisconsin Badgers finding a way not to lose
over the bye week. High-fives all
around. Furthermore, the Minnesota
Vikings and Detroit Lions both got waxed by a couple of bottom feeders, putting
the Pack in a tie for 1st place in the NFC North. The only blemish on the week was Colin
Kaepernick throwing approximately 1,342 interceptions against the Bears,
allowing Chicago to pull out an unlikely victory, but that’s alright because
hey, fuck that guy too. So let’s get to the picks. First and foremost…
ADRIAN PETERSON (0-1) vs TEXAS COURT SYSTEM (1-0)
This is what happens when you make a deal with Satan to come back from a torn ACL and win the MVP nine months later. Or rather, this is what happens when you’re a shitty father and you live in a society that puts athletes on a pedestal and allows them to act like entitled pricks with no repercussions. ‘Merica. At least my team’s players only drink codeine like Kool-Aid, pop Vicodin like Skittles and grope high school girls in hot tubs (here’s to you, Chmura!).
ADRIAN PETERSON (0-1) vs TEXAS COURT SYSTEM (1-0)
This is what happens when you make a deal with Satan to come back from a torn ACL and win the MVP nine months later. Or rather, this is what happens when you’re a shitty father and you live in a society that puts athletes on a pedestal and allows them to act like entitled pricks with no repercussions. ‘Merica. At least my team’s players only drink codeine like Kool-Aid, pop Vicodin like Skittles and grope high school girls in hot tubs (here’s to you, Chmura!).
TEXAS COURT SYSTEM by five years with parole
GREEN BAY PACKERS (1-1) at DETROIT LIONS (1-1)
Jordy Nelson is better than Calvin Johnson. There, I said it and I’ll never take it
back. And I know this means at least one
of my friends just stopped angrily closed his laptop and mentally flipped me
off. Whatever. Every so often, God looks down from his
eternal perch, points at a newborn and says “this one shall have balls carved
out of fucking granite”. As is the case
with Jordan Raymond Nelson. One of the
proudest days of my life was this past summer when a random guy told me “you
could pass for Jordy”. You know
what? My first child, boy or girl, will
be named Jordan Nelson Quilling.
Sorry, I got a but sidetracked there. My point is, the Packers are going to stomp
the Lions and take our rightful place at the top of the division.
GREEN BAY by 14
BOWLING GREEN FALCONS (2-1) at #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (1-1)
Normally I would call this a trap game for the Badgers since Bowling Green beat Indiana last week, but we all know the Hoosiers are horseshit, so I’m actually not all that concerned. Especially coming off of a bye week during which I can only assume the team worked on perfecting those two-yard hitches and screen passes that are the hallmark of every efficient passing offense. Either way, if Gordon and Clemente don’t both crack 100 yards in this game I’m going to be somewhat disappointed. Maybe we’ve been spoiled over the past five years, but I miss watching a Badger running back take a handoff and not be touched until he reaches the end zone 60 yards downfield. More importantly, I’m waking up at 6:00 AM to enjoy one of the last warm-weather party atmospheres of 2014. So if you’re in Madison, make your way to 45 Lathrop early in the morning for some beer and shenanigans. Tell them the Chode sent you.
WISCONSIN by 28
GREEN BAY by 14
BOWLING GREEN FALCONS (2-1) at #19 WISCONSIN BADGERS (1-1)
Normally I would call this a trap game for the Badgers since Bowling Green beat Indiana last week, but we all know the Hoosiers are horseshit, so I’m actually not all that concerned. Especially coming off of a bye week during which I can only assume the team worked on perfecting those two-yard hitches and screen passes that are the hallmark of every efficient passing offense. Either way, if Gordon and Clemente don’t both crack 100 yards in this game I’m going to be somewhat disappointed. Maybe we’ve been spoiled over the past five years, but I miss watching a Badger running back take a handoff and not be touched until he reaches the end zone 60 yards downfield. More importantly, I’m waking up at 6:00 AM to enjoy one of the last warm-weather party atmospheres of 2014. So if you’re in Madison, make your way to 45 Lathrop early in the morning for some beer and shenanigans. Tell them the Chode sent you.
WISCONSIN by 28
THIS WEEKEND (0-0) vs MY LIVER (0-82)
Ha. Biggest mismatch of the season. Let’s see, warm weather Badger home game plus a ton of friends from undergrad coming back to town plus my girlfriend’s 17th birthday equals one small step for New Belgium Brewing company and one giant leap towards cirrhosis when I’m 60.
Ha. Biggest mismatch of the season. Let’s see, warm weather Badger home game plus a ton of friends from undergrad coming back to town plus my girlfriend’s 17th birthday equals one small step for New Belgium Brewing company and one giant leap towards cirrhosis when I’m 60.
Just kidding. She’s
22. Happy birthday Dana, you’re famous
now.
THIS WEEKEND by 36
USA BASKETBALL (163-8) vs REST OF WORLD (who cares??)
Raise your hand if you watched the World Cup final. Put your hands down, you dirty liars. I may have been the only man in Wisconsin watching the title game last Sunday, but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make me proud of my country to watch Kyrie Irving, Boogie Cousins and company smack around the helpless Serbians like Ray Rice’s wife in a casino elevator. ‘MERICA!! You’re all shitty patriots. Ten Chode Points to the first person to name all twelve members of the 2014 USA Basketball roster.
THIS WEEKEND by 36
USA BASKETBALL (163-8) vs REST OF WORLD (who cares??)
Raise your hand if you watched the World Cup final. Put your hands down, you dirty liars. I may have been the only man in Wisconsin watching the title game last Sunday, but I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make me proud of my country to watch Kyrie Irving, Boogie Cousins and company smack around the helpless Serbians like Ray Rice’s wife in a casino elevator. ‘MERICA!! You’re all shitty patriots. Ten Chode Points to the first person to name all twelve members of the 2014 USA Basketball roster.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA by infinity, forever.
This is kind of off-topic, but did any of you guys watch the
video I posted in week 1? Because those
guys are coming to play at Memorial Union in Madison in February. I’ve been told tickets are gonna be pretty
cheap too. 2 Cellos. Look them up on YouTube, they kick all kinds
of ass. If only we could book someone
nearly as good for Halloween on State Street.
Hey, that gives me another idea.
Thirty Chode Points to anyone who writes to Dave Grohl and asks the Foo
Fighters to play in Madison on Halloween next year. One thousand Chode Points if he agrees to do
it. That would make my life.
A couple more random thoughts before I call it a week:
One-fifth of the beer sold annually in the
United States is Bud Light. Good God,
that’s depressing. A couple more random thoughts before I call it a week:
I was reading today about a new jetpack designed to make soldiers run faster. I’ll bet the French are fucking ecstatic.
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never sneak up
On Oscar Pistorius.
I apologize for the short edition, but I have some beer to drink.
Until next time,
-Chode Out.
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