Chode Picks – Week 2

Hello “friends”, and welcome back to the 9^th season of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Chode Picks! It’s been seven days since I shat out the last edition in the narcissistic writing hobby that has spanned my entire adult life, so let’s get back to it.  I just finished possibly the easiest week of school I’ve had since undergrad, so that calls for a celebratory drink, and wouldn’t you know it, but there just happens to be most of a case of Four Loko left in my kitchen.  Good God, I have no idea how I used to drink this shit four years ago. Oh that’s right, it was caffeinated back then and made me feel like a drunken superhero.  Luckily, 24-year old Chode has nearly an unlimited supply of energy in pill form at his disposal, so rigging up a couple of bottles of the good stuff really isn’t all that hard.  Huzzah!

It wasn’t the greatest week for my fantasy team, mostly because I forgot to take Ray Rice out of my lineup and subsequently my team was beaten, bitch-slapped and knocked out by nearly 60 points.  Expect team Rice Beaters to return to form by smacking around this week’s competition.  I’m counting on abusing the next sorry soul to cross my path by at least 20 points.  And yes, I’m going to keep making Ray Rice jokes for the foreseeable future.  And not because I think Ray is some kind of monster. Obviously he made a morally indefensible decision in that Atlantic City elevator and deserves a suspension, but the person who really disgusts me in this mess is Roger Goodell.  This is the man who has allowed players facing charges for sexual assault (Ben Roethlisberger), manslaughter (Donte Stallworth and Josh Brent) and straight-up murder (Ray Lewis, who by the way is getting a motherfucking statue built in his honor) to continue playing in the NFL.  But somehow Ray Rice, who has been completely honest and apologetic about his mistake (unlike Goodell) is the most reprehensible player in the league.  Bullshit.  If the NFL is going to come down on Ray Rice, it should come down on all violent crimes, not just the ones that get headlines.  Also, Penn State was released from probation this week, so that tells you a lot about where our priorities are as a society.  Something tells me that if TMZ had gotten a video of Jerry Sandusky, things might be a little different.

Whew.  Sorry, I’ll get down from the soapbox now.  At least there are no other players in major legal trouble right now…

Oh, Jesus.  You’ve got to be shitting me.  Way to go Adrian Beater-Son.  Let’s move on to the picks.  First up…

NEW YORK JETS (1-0) at GREEN BAY PACKERS (0-1)

One of these teams is winless and favored by 9 points.  The other is undefeated and a 9-point underdog.  Gotta love the first week of the season.  And honestly, I think that line is still too low.  A lot of my fellow Packer fans are worried after a poor showing last Thursday, but it’s easy for a good team to look shitty against Seattle.  Just ask Peyton Manning.  We’ll rebound, kick New York in the balls and all will be right in world again.  Also, I don’t care how much the Seahawks win by this week, I’ve already decided that we’re taking home our 5^th Lombardi Trophy this year.  Deal with it.

GREEN BAY by 14

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (0-1) at MINNESOTA VIKINGS (1-0)

LOL.  Two more teams that will be 1-1 on Sunday afternoon, especially with Adrian being sidelined with a case of ADD (Awful Dad Disorder).  Expect Darth Belichick and his minions to drop 40 on the poor Vikes.

NEW ENGLAND by 24

CHICAGO BEARS (0-1) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS (1-0)

Either way, this game will make me happy.  I get to watch Patrick Willis and company bring the motherfuckin’ ruckus on Jay Cutler’s fat, diabetic ass, or I get to see Colin “I eat orphans and poop them out in the shape of swastikas” Kaepernick go down in the tender embrace of Jared Allen.  I’m gonna have to go to the Red Zone bar on Regent St so I can watch all 3 of these games at once.  Did you know that the Red Zone gives out free shots for every Packer touchdown? And that they have the best nacho platter in southern Wisconsin?  This paragraph was brought to you by the Red Zone Bar and Grill.

SAN FRANCISCO by 3

In other sports news around the world, Oscar Pistorius was found not guilty.  And guilty. So in his honor, I challenge you all to play the Pistorius drinking game this weekend: any time someone goes to the bathroom, you take four quick shots.

On to lesser football teams…

Wisconsin Badgers (1-1) vs BYE WEEK (0-0)

You know for a brief, insane minute there I thought we were going to fall to 0-2 against Western Illinois.  Then at halftime the dumbest group of gentlemen on campus must have realized “Oh shit, we’re a Big Ten team” and throttled the Leathernecks in the 2^nd half.  Regardless, I’m already counting this season as a disappointment, and it has nothing to do with on the field results.  You see, between the “neutral site” game against LSU and this week’s bye, we ended up with just ONE measly warm-weather home gameday this season.  For those of you unlucky enough to not have experienced one of these magical occasions, that’s like canceling Christmas.  Twice.  Damn you, Barry Alvarez. 

Also, I think it’s fair to declare the “Gordon for Heisman” campaign officially dead.  It went into a fatal arrhythmia sometime during the first half last Saturday and flatlined as MGIII finished with 38 yards on the game.  Thirty-eight fucking yards.  On 17 carries.  Are you kidding me?  Todd Gurley would have eclipsed that in the 1^st quarter.  At least Tanner McINT put up decent numbers on the two-dozen screen passes Coach Andersen called to boost his confidence.  I’d trade quarterbacks with literally any other school in the Big Ten. 

WISCONSIN by default 

WORLD CUP OF BASKETBALL FINAL:  USA  (162-8) vs SERBIA (88-44)

Yes, I actually added up Serbia’s national basketball team record.  Because I’m a giant fucking nerd, I know.  But despite the fact that Spain isn’t playing on Sunday at 2:00, you’re all still required to watch.  We’re going for 4 straight world championships here, fellas.  Don’t let the terrorists win.  U-S-A!!  U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA by 31

Well, time to call it a wrap on this week’s issue.  I’ll be back next weekend to give you 5-10 minutes of entertainment, depending on how slow you read.  Also, sometime this year I’m thinking about compiling a “Best of the Chode Picks” where I compile all of my favorite bits from the past 8 years for your reading pleasure.  Let me know in the comments if you’re interested.

This week’s edition is dedicated to my late uncle Bob.  I’ve been told that in heaven there is no beer, but if there is I’m confident that he’s already found it. Rest in peace, big fella.

What do the Ravens listen to in the locker room?

Beats by Ray.

Sources: Ben King (Adrian Beater-Son) and Kenne Koehler (Beats by Ray).  Five Chode Points for you both. 

Also, if you’re like me and you have a weird sense of humor, you should watch the movie below.  It’s 15 minutes long and made by 3 guys who are much more creative than I’ll ever be.

DID YOU DRINK MY GINGER ALE?!?! HANNAH?!?!

- Chode Out.