Chode Picks - Week 2

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” Yes, that’s right, I’m starting this week’s edition of the Chode Picks off with a cheesy quote first attributed to the great Robert E. Lichty. Believe it or not, I’m actually not referring to the difficulty of filling up five pages of bullshit for the Chode Picks every week, or even the formidable task of memorizing a bazillion pages of notes for every exam in med school. Nope, I’m talking about the grueling journey that most of us began sometime between the ages of 8 and 12 years old: life as a Wisconsin sports fan. This cruel reality hit me smack in the face last weekend in between watching the Badger football team muster an entire seven points against mighty Oregon State and seeing the vaunted Packer offense stifled against Jim Harbaugh’s thugs on the sacred turf of Lambeau Field. It’s weekends like those that make me wonder why I spend so many of my waking hours following teams that have let me down time and time again. For those of you with inferior sports loyalties to the Vikings and Bears, you have no idea what it’s like to carry this burden. Each and every NFC North title, Big Ten Championship and Super Bowl victory contributes to the collective weight that we, as Wisconsinites must bear. You Minnesotans, in particular, have never been forced to carry the burden of success like we have. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Now, with that said, all of you Packer-haters can kiss my toned, muscular ass now that we’ve righted the ship after dispatching of Jay Cutler and the Bears. I don’t care if the Vikings go on to beat the Colts and take a brief, 2-0 lead in the NFC North, because we all know that eventually they’ll break down like Adrian Peterson’s knees. After two games against playoff-caliber teams, 1-1 isn’t a bad place to be. In summary, I’m not concerned about my Packers. Not at all. On the other hand…

I am VERY concerned about the Wisconsin Badgers. More specifically, I’m worried about our offensive line. For decades, the Wisconsin O-line has been one of the best units in the nation, producing 1000-yard rushers and NFL left tackles like nobody’s business. However, after watching them crumble like cellophane against two subpar defensive teams, you’ve got to wonder if the hogs up front have it in them this year, or if they just REALLY don’t like Danny O’Brien (my money is on the latter, which is why I’ll be screaming for Curt Phillips on Saturday at Camp Randall). After the game I decided on my usual coping strategy, drinking until I could convince myself that we lost to Oregon by three rather than Oregon State. Anyways, as long as they can find some semblance of continuity before Big Ten play starts in two weeks, we’ll still be in good shape to win the Leaders Division and make another trip to Indy this year. Look on the bright side, at least we didn’t lose to Iowa State for the second year in a row (amirite, Hawkeye fans? muhahahaha). Also, I’d like to congratulate the Badgers on extending their historic streak of 174 games without being shut out. Hold your head high, you miserable, disappointing bastards. God, I miss Russell Wilson. 

To cap things off last weekend, I lost in both of my fantasy leagues. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I blame Victor Cruz for dropping seemingly every damn ball that Eli Manning slung his way against the Cowboys, as well as Denarius Moore for sitting out against the Chargers. What a bitch. 

Chode’s All Stars (0-1) vs Fit Wrap Miss (0-1)

Since I already told you about my fantasy woes above, I want to spend a little bit more time on this Packer-Bear game. Two days before the game kicked off, Jay “Cheeks” Cutler told the Packer secondary to quote “bring it on”. Big words from who we already know is a not-so-big man. If you remember last season, he had a similar quote after throwing four interceptions to DeAngelo Hall of the Redskins: “If I could do it again, I’d throw it at him every time”. This guy is ridiculous. His confidence-to-ability ratio is reminiscent of Ryan Leaf. And his accuracy isn’t too far off either. Congratulations Jay, you’ve taken the early lead for Chode’s “Douche of the Year” award. Also, I’d like to salute Kenne for his fantasy team name this week. If my memory serves correctly “Fit, Wrap, Miss” is a perfect description of Kenne’s high school tackling technique.

Chode’s All Stars by 23

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (0-1) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3

Do my eyes deceive me, or did Mike Beaupre, stalwart of fantasy football success, actually lose his first game of the season? Hooray. It’s about damn time. As for you Dave, if you’re expecting me to eat my words about Griffin’s extensive suckitude, keep looking. Anyone can look like a superstar against a creampuff like the (searching…) oh shit, it was the Saints. Damn it. Well fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again, jackass.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 8

My roommate just made me home made granola. It’s delicious. Unfortunately, it’s made from “organic” ingredients, so if I don’t eat it all right now it’ll probably grow mold and infect my room with hippie stank. I feel dirty eating it.

Stafford Infection (0-1) vs No Names (1-0)

First of all, congratulations to Joo for managing to steal a win from me in week 1. Just know that if I wouldn’t have been an idiot and started Denarius Moore, I would’ve beaten you like my ex-wife. Also Eric, I like the new look for your team. Unfortunately, your entire team played like they were suffering from a Stafford Infection last week, and now you’re halfway to 0-2. 

No Names by 7

Mondolockdown (1-0) vs I’m thinking RBs (1-0)

Since I don’t really care much about this matchup, I’m just gonna go ahead and write about the most overblown college football story of the past week: Notre Dame’s move to the ACC. Honestly, I hate to contribute to the Irish hype machine, since it really irritates me when I have to wade through a million bullshit articles every fall claiming that this is the year Notre Dame returns to prominence. Bitch, please. I’m only going to say this once, so listen up: NOTRE DAME IS NOT GOING TO MATTER THIS SEASON!! Although next year they might be able to make some noise in the ACC, since trying to find mediocre teams to beat in the ACC is like trying to pick out a stripper with low self-esteem.

I’m thinking RBs by forty thousand

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (1-0)

I forgot to mention this earlier, but congratulations to myself for successfully managing to jinx four major sports teams last week. After I endorsed the Packers, Badgers, Arkansas Razorbacks and Oklahoma State Cowboys, all four teams went on to suffer embarrassing losses within 48 hours. Perhaps the most humiliating defeat of all belonged to 7th-ranked Arkansas, who paid an unranked FCS team from Louisiana-Monroe to come beat their asses at home. Call it the curse of the Chode. Maybe I should stick to picking basketball and soccer. 

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 12

Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-0) vs Moore is Less (0-1)

Forgetting Brandon Marshall: exactly what the rest of the NFC should do after his disappearing act in tonight’s loss to Green Bay. It seems like every year the Bears make a big free agent acquisition that’s supposedly going to put them over the top. It’s been almost a decade, and we’re still waiting. And no, I don’t care that Matt Forte got hurt. I’d rather lose a player in fantasy and get a Packer win any day. By the way, Cutler’s QB rating tonight was 28.2. If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a rating of 36.3. Congratulations Jay, another fantastic outing against Green Bay. Now eat your stupid, bitter words.

Moore is Less by 6

By the way, I’d like to let you all know that I wrote this entire edition BEFORE the Packer-Bear game (Except for Cutler’s QB rating, of course. Couldn’t have seen those coming). That’s how confident I was in a Packer victory tonight. Sucks to suck, Chicago. Also, that fake field goal was awesome. Score one for McCarthy.

Dean’s Cup update! After our Frisbee dominance last Saturday, the med students went on to sweep the law dickheads in tennis, dodgeball and tug-of-war this week. We’re now up by approximately 40 points, and with only a quarter of the events in the books, it doesn’t look like the lawyers have the balls to close the gap on us. They’re rapidly proving that not only are we smarter and more likely to get jobs after graduation, but we’re more athletic as well.

ESPN’s Ultimate Franchise Rankings came out last week, and I’ll let you guess who the top-ranked NFL team was. Yup. Green Bay was ranked #2 overall behind the Oklahoma City Thunder, which makes absolutely no sense, considering the Thunder have been in the NBA for less than half a decade, and their greatest accomplishment in franchise history was losing to the Miami Heat in the Finals this past June. Ridiculous. Also, it’s worth noting that none of the four Minnesota franchises (Vikings, Twins, T-Wolves, Wild) cracked the top 80.

No hilarious new video for you this week, sorry. Just one of the classics.

If you’re in Madison this Saturday, stop by 1206 Bowen for some kegball and stacon before the game against Utah State. Kickoff is at 7:00 PM, so we’ve got plenty of time for fun and games beforehand.

How many interceptions did Cutler throw tonight? Not one, not two, not three…

The Bears still suck.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks - Week 1

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends, enemies and my fellow Americans, welcome to the extraordinary, unprecedented SEVENTH season of the Chode Picks!!! It’s been one hell of an offseason, but since most of you (hopefully) stuck it through all of my ranting about basketball and the Olympics, I actually don’t have a whole lot of new sporting events to run through, so with one exception, I’ll skip over the bullshit and get to the goods. 

Naturally, I want to write about the second-most shocking sports story of the year, only behind the Penn State rape scandal: Lance Armstrong quitting the fight against his doping allegations. To be honest, the fact that Armstrong probably cheated isn’t all that surprising, the shocking part is that he’s giving up the fight, considering that the words “quit” and “Lance Armstrong” don’t belong in the same sentence. Thank you, USADA, for tainting the most inspiring athlete of my lifetime. For the record, I really don’t give a damn if Lance doped himself before races, for two important reasons. First, it’s become pretty obvious by now that competitive cycling is the most corrupt sport on the planet. If my math is correct (and it might not be, I’m pretty buzzed right now and don’t feel like double-checking), 14 of the past 17 Tour de France winners were later stripped of their titles. So who really gives a damn if Lance was cheating along with the rest of them? The second and more important reason is that Lance Armstrong has probably done more for the advancement of cancer research than anyone in the history of the world. If he had to cheat his way to a few cycling titles to do it, that’s fine with me. The ends justify the means. End rant.

Since it’s been at least a month since we last met, I feel like I need to update you all on the new developments in my life, since you all care so much. About a month ago the Chode relocated from my longtime home on Fahrenbrook Court to a few blocks further south of campus. More importantly, I moved in with two girls (from this point on I’ll refer to us as “The Three Best Friends”) It’s been working out pretty well, despite their ridiculous insistence that I need to start doing things like “wearing clothes”, “washing dishes instead of using a million styrofoam plates”, and “cooking real food” (even though anybody with just a little bit of brainpower knows that if you can’t make it on a Pizzaz pizza oven then ITS NOT WORTH EATING!). Regardless, there are a few things I’ve learned that come with the territory when you start living with girls.
- Your house is much cleaner and smells nicer
- There’s usually less beer in your fridge
- When you walk home from the bars with your roommates, everyone thinks you’re a stud (which I totally am, ladies)
- They’re much smaller and scare easily

More importantly, convinced the DirecTV guy to include NFL Sunday Ticket in our TV package, which is going to make my fantasy team even more unstoppable this year. So when your team gets stomped by Chode’s All Stars, direct your complaints to her. On to football.

Congratulations to the Wisconsin football team, who set a school record with their 16th consecutive home victory by eking out a 5-point win over powerhouse Northern Iowa last weekend. I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried after watching our offensive line get manhandled by a bunch of FCS scrubs, but luckily Bielema and Alvarez had the foresight to schedule three more games against nonconference creampuffs to help the team get their collective shit together. On a more positive note, at least we weren’t dumb enough to think we could play with the best team in the country in their own backyard (here’s to you, Michigan!). Anyways, as long as we’re on the topic of college football, I’d like to try something different this year. In past seasons of the Chode Picks, I’ve usually waited until December to make my college bowl predictions, but considering my recent streak of brilliance in predicting sporting events, I think I’ll just go ahead and tell you all who’s going to be playing in the BCS bowls right now. In order of least important to most important:

ORANGE BOWL: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES vs ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Yeah, I think this is the year that FSU finally plays up to their talent level and wins the ACC. In the immortal words of Lebron James, “It’s about damn time”. It seems like a ritual of the fall every year when the ‘Noles start the year in the top 10 only to suffer a few embarrassing losses and end up in a second-tier bowl game. Considering how laughably easy their schedule is this year though, I think they can manage to get by with just one loss. Should be enough to put them in position to get Sandusky’d by the third-best team in the SEC.

FIESTA BOWL: WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTANEERS vs NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS

Quick note: I don’t think Nebraska will make it to the Big Ten Championship game this year. However, taking second in their division should be enough to vault them past the loser of the championship game for an at-large bid, just like Michigan last year. Also, congratulations to West Virginia on claiming the Princeton Review’s #1 party school ranking for 2012. I’ve never been to Morgantown, WV, but I imagine it’s probably a lot like Madison, only smaller with more inbreeding and fewer teeth.

SUGAR BOWL: LSU TIGERS vs OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS

First of, congrats to the Cowboys on their glorious, 84-0 victory over Savannah State last Saturday. You sure showed those cocky Division 1-AA assholes! Stay classy, Mike Gundy. You might have noticed that I’ve already put two SEC teams in the BCS, and we haven’t even gotten to Alabama yet. Yes, it pains me to admit this, but the Southeastern Conference really is that much better than the rest of college football. As much as I despise Nick Saban and all of the arrogant SEC fans (believe it or not, I was actually CHEERING FOR MICHIGAN last Saturday), they’re right. In fact, I think there’s only one team with the balls to put an end to the SEC’s reign of terror, and I think most of you are going to be pretty pissed when you find out who in the next paragraph.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE vs OREGON DUCKS

Yup. Before you punch your computer screen, let me explain. For a very long time, I have held a deep admiration for Oregon football. I love their lightning-fast style of play, I respect their players for being honest enough to publicly admit that they all smoke pot, and honestly, they’re just fun as hell to watch. And yes, for a few months after New Years Day 2012, my admiration turned into a deep, seething hatred due to events that I’m not comfortable discussing at this time, but I think with the start of a new season, I’m ready to forgive them and move on. Also, I found this video last week, and I could not stop laughing (you're damn right I learned how to use hyperlinks). Don’t get me wrong, if we end up playing them in Pasadena again, I’ll flip the hate switch right back on, but for now, Go Duc..(cough). Ahem. Go Du..(ack!). Whoops. Maybe not just yet. I’ll give it some time.

ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: WISCONSIN BADGERS VS USC TROJANS

Son of a bitch. We have to win one eventually, right?

Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the main course, fantasy football. First of all, I’d like to congratulate the winner of the 2012 Sorry For Partying league draft, me. Take a look at my team. It’s magnificent. Truly a work of art. I pity the fools who cross my path this year. Finally, after six seasons of disappointment, Chode’s All Stars are poised to take home the league championship. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Chode’s All Stars (0-0) vs No Names(0-0)

Its fitting that I’m starting my title run against my oldest rival, Levi “eye of the Joo” Hartz. To be completely honest though, our once-intense rivalry has lost some of its luster in recent years, mainly due to his incompetence as a team owner. Come on Joo, pull it together for old time’s sake. I could use a challenge. Not this week though. In Jimmy Graham we trust.

Chode’s All Stars by 14

ABC – Its Easy as RG3 (0-0) vs Duck Hunter (0-0)

First of all, congratulations to Commissioner Kenne for missing his own fantasy draft last week. Your dedication knows no boundaries. Somehow though, you ended up with a pretty damn good team, which is more than I can say for Dave. Listen up Radcliffe, because I’m only going to say this once: “ROBERT GRIFFIN IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STARTING FANTASY QUARTERBACK!” Good Lord. Winning this league is going to be even easier than I thought.

Duck Hunter by 10

I’m thinking RB’s (0-0) vs Team Beaupre Go Pack Go (0-0)

Damn it, Boom. You know I can’t pick you after you heartlessly stole Russell Wilson from me in the draft. Unforgivable. Anyways, I know I might be a little late to join the bandwagon, but between Wilson, Matt Flynn and Darrell Bevell on the Seahawks’ staff, I can’t help but root for them this year. Despite only spending one year in Madison, Russell is probably one of my favorite Badgers of all-time. His leadership and charisma remind me of Tim Tebow, only if Tebow could actually throw an accurate pass. Between the Thunder losing in the NBA Finals and Wilson’s arrival, things might actually be looking up in Seattle.

Team Beaupre Go Pack Go by eight hundred

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (0-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (0-0)

Wow. Color me shocked that Eric didn’t manage to get either Matt Stafford or Calvin “Madden Curse” Johnson on his roster. I’m really not sure if he knows he’s still in the league. Somebody should probably give him a heads-up. Other than that, both of these teams look pretty damn good. Except we all know Vick is going to miss at least three games. And we all (should) know that there’s no way Cam Newton can rush for 8 touchdowns again this season. I’m expecting a pretty big sophomore slump from Cam. You heard it here first.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 5

Moore is Less (0-0) vs Mondolockdown (0-0)

Monster matchup here. (Announcer voice): In the red corner, we have Brandon Mondlock, who finished with two wins last season and hasn’t updated his fantasy team in approximately three years!! And in the blue corner, we have Will Brydon, the only man to finish in the bottom third of the league every year of its existence, and who is a confirmed Bear fan!! LETS GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMMMMBLLLLEEEE!!!!! Ah, what the hell. I’m flipping a coin.

Moore is Less by $0.25

Boobs (0-0) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-0)

Touche, Nate. Truly a brilliant fantasy team name. A nod to one of my favorite bands that also strokes my ego. It almost makes me want to acknowledge your league “championship” last season. Almost. Maybe if you trade me Greg Jennings we’ll get there. Anyways, you’re probably going to win again this week, because that’s what you do, you jackass.

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 13

Chode Sports Update!! Today was the start of the Dean’s Cup competition between the UW Med School and Law Schools. The Dean’s Cup is an annual tradition of sporting events between UW’s future doctors and lawyers, designed to promote camaraderie and good sportsmanship while allowing the good people of the med school to assert their dominance over those scumbag ambulance chasers from the start. Anyways, the first event today was Ultimate Frisbee, which some genius decided to schedule at the ungodly early hour of 10:00AM. Luckily, I managed to roll out of bed at 9:45 this morning and drag my still-drunk ass to the fields for the game. Despite my less-than-perfect condition, we beat the holy hell out of the bloodsuckers, racing out to a 6-0 lead before letting up and coasting to a 9-2 victory. Don’t let the final score fool you, this was a true dismantling. Like, an Alabama over Michigan style beat down. Score one for the good guys.

Before we call it a wrap this week, I’d like to invite all of you in Madison to come pregame at the casa de Chode before Badger games this year. The Three Best Friends threw our first pregame fiesta this past Saturday, and it was outstanding. I probably underestimated how much fun it would be living in the epicenter of the Wisconsin Gameday experience, but now I think I’m starting to appreciate it. Also, if you show up and willingly admit to reading the Chode Picks, I’ll hook you up with some free Stacon. What the hell is Stacon? Well, I’m glad you asked. Stacon is possibly the most delicious food ever conceived by man. Stacon covers the entire food pyramid, and then some. On the eighth day, God created Stacon and passed it down to Chode to bless the gracious citizens of BadgerNation. In short, Stacon is bacon fried with steak seasoning. And it’s motherfucking delicious. Unless you’re a vegetarian. And in that case, you can lick my taint.
Stacon and Q-Bombs: the breakfast of champions.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Olympic Recap

All good things, no matter how awesome and entertaining, must eventually come to an end.  The games are now finished, and it’s going to be a long time before that level of greatness comes our way again.  All we have left are the memories forged during the recent past, some sunburn, a few more friends, and a brand new set of scars on my liver.  As you may have gathered by now, I’m not referring to the London Olympics.  I’m telling you about the unfortunate fact that the greatest period of my life is very rapidly coming to a close.  You see, classes at The University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health start this upcoming Monday, which will bring a screeching halt to the three-month long fiesta that I’ve been referring to as the “Summer of Chode”.  Sad times, indeed.  My only solace is that I’m fully prepared to go out in a magnificent blaze of glory this weekend.  Now that it’s (almost) over, I’d like to share with you all a few things I learned this summer:

-       Running a marathon is fucking easy

-       Telling girls that you can give them “genetically pure Aryan babies” isn’t the best strategy

-       “Team Physician for the Dutch Women’s Field Hockey Team” has replaced “Team Physician for the Green Bay Packers” as my dream job description

-       Mark Titus is a poor man’s version of Chode

-       Q-Bombs are probably the greatest shots known to man.

-       What’s a Q-Bomb?  I’m glad you asked.  A Q-Bomb consists of two parts cheap vodka, two parts cheap gin, and should be chased with beating your chest while screaming “I AM ALL THAT IS MAN!!”  Ask for Q-Bombs at your local bar/tavern/brothel.  And if the bartender attempts to drop your Q-Bomb into a glass of Red Bull, throw it back in their face and tell them to get you a new one.

-       Taking too many Q-Bombs may result in being woken up by the police in front of the Kohl Center, facedown in a pile of your own vomit.  Binge responsibly.

-       Seriously, go get yourself a Q-Bomb.  In fact, I’ll give you 100 Chode Points for every Q-Bomb you take.

Anyways, now that I’m starting medical school, I still plan on fulfilling my promise to keep writing every week throughout the NFL season.  I won’t have as much free time to spend on the Picks as I did this summer, but I’ll do my damndest to keep up the creative brilliance that you all know and love.  After all, I’d feel like a fool if I stopped writing and then the Packers or Badgers went on to win a championship without me.  Also, now is a good time to point out that it’s completely possible that Green Bay could win the Super Bowl while Wisconsin wins the Big Ten Championship this season.  After two admittedly poor preseason performances, I’ve found that there are now two types of Packer fans.  The first group is worried about losing two meaningless games because they think that it means we “have no depth”.  Coincidentally, these are also the type of people that get worried about being eaten by sharks when they go swimming in an ocean.  The second group is completely unfazed, because you know, we just went 15-2 last season, we won the Super Bowl the year before, we’re the motherfucking Green Bay Packers and we have Aaron Rodgers.  Obviously, I belong to the second group.  Until we stop dominating the NFC North, I see no reason to be concerned.

As for the Badger Football squad, many ESPN analysts have suggested that the negative press around Montee Ball after his recent assault may affect the Wisconsin’s locker room this season.  Bull.  Shit.  Everyone on the UW campus loves Montee, and nobody more so than his teammates.  He’s one of the nicest, most humble athletes I’ve ever met (aside from one night at the Kollege Klub when he was hammered and declared that he would score 90 touchdowns this year).  Regardless, even if Ball had went pro after last season, Wisconsin would still have more quality running backs than the rest of the Big Ten combined.  Seriously.  James White, Melvin Gordon, Jeff Lewis and Vonte Jackson would all start on most of the teams in the country.  You probably don’t recognize most of them yet, but a year from now, one of them will pick up right where Montee leaves off.  Also, no matter who wins the quarterback competition between Danny O’Brien, Curt Phillips and Joel Stave, we’re going to get solid play from the QB position.  Combine that with the fact that we’ve pretty much got a free pass to the Big Ten Championship game (Ohio State and Penn State are suspended, leaving us to beat Illinois, Indiana and Purdue.  Book your trip to Indianapolis now), and it seems like the 2012 Big Ten Championship will come down to one game between Wisconsin and either Michigan, Michigan State or Nebraska.  In short, it’s a good time to be a football fan in Wisconsin.

Alright, time to get back to the Olympics.  First off, I want to pat myself on the back for making the brilliant prediction that the USA would take home the basketball Gold.  I knew I was going against the grain by picking a plucky underdog like the Americans, but I also knew that the positive energy and team chemistry of Team USA would be enough to offset their glaring talent deficit.  And I knew that LeBron could dunk over all of Europe if necessary.  Great pick by me.  Hooray.  By the way, over the past two years, I have successfully predicted ALL of the following sporting events:  USA Basketball winning the 2010 World Championship and 2012 Olympic Gold, Spain winning EuroCup 2012, the Miami Heat winning the 2012 NBA Finals, Wisconsin winning the Big Ten title in both 2010 and 2011, and of course, the Green Bay Packers winning Super Bowl XLV.  Bow before the brilliance of the Chode.  This may not be the peak of WINsconsin, but it’s probably the peak of CHODEsconsin, so I plan on riding it for as long as I can.

Also, Mike Krzyzewski became one of my favorite coaches of all time last week during an interview the day before the gold medal game.  When asked by a Spanish reporter if it really takes any preparation when you’re coaching team USA, Coach K replied “No.  No preparation at all.  I’ll be out until 6AM tonight, drunk as a skunk.  And then we’ll just roll the damn ball out.”

In other Olympic Sports news, Michael Phelps made a fool out of me by outperforming Ryan Lochte and taking the all-time lead in both gold and total Olympic medals.  At this point, there’s no sense denying it anymore: Phelps is the greatest Olympian of all time.  He single-handedly made swimming relevant around the world and gave hope to all of the delusional high school pothead swimmers who think they can win a gold medal someday.  The only two other men in the world who can compete with Phelps in terms of Olympic legacy are Carl Lewis and Jesse Owens (‘MERICA!), and although Michael never got a chance to tell Hitler to shove it up his ass like Owens did, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that he would have done something equally awesome.

I hope you all got a chance to watch the US Women’s soccer team avenge their World Cup loss to Japan in the Olympic final.  If you didn’t, I’ll recap it for you quick: Han Solo’s daughter made five ridiculous saves, Carli Lloyd snuck two goals past the Goalkeeper of the Rising Sun, and Alex Morgan is still one of the hottest athletes on the planet.  And to be completely honest, I have no idea how the men’s team did.  It’s gotten to the point now where the women’s national team is just as if not more popular than the men’s team in America.  Obviously if they ever played each other the men’s team would beat them like a bunch of hoodrats, but as long as the US women keep contending for the World Cup and Olympic gold and the men keep losing to tiny African countries every four years, the women are going to get better ratings.  In the words of Tupac Shakur, that’s just the way it is.  Hey, speaking of female-dominated sports…

GYMNASTICS!!  Before these Olympics started, I was fairly certain that there wasn’t a single sport on the planet that women were straight-up better than men at.  Whoops.  After watching the Fab Five fly through the air on their way to a dominating gold medal performance, I actually think they could kick any of the men’s teams asses.  So there you go, women are officially better at one sport (unless of course you’re using the Koehler definition of “sport”, which states that if a female can fairly compete in an activity and beat a man of similar skill level, the activity cannot be referred to as a “sport”).

Also, watching the women’s team has led me to two sad conclusions.  The first is that at 22 years of age, it’s no longer socially acceptable for me to find female gymnasts attractive.  The second is that at 5’2” and approximately 90 pounds, McKayla Maroney scares the shit out of me.  Regardless, on to more important events, like track and field.  More specifically…

USAIN BOLT!!  Good Lord.  Somebody offer this guy an NFL contract already.  Unless his hands are literally made of stone, he’d be the best deep threat in league history.  Imagine a faster version of Calvin Johnson.  In fact, if the Jamaicans were to put together a team, they’d probably have the best receivers in the NFL.  Unless they wanted to put Yohan Blake at running back, which is almost as scary.

Congratulations to Oscar Pistorious for becoming the first double amputee to qualify for an Olympic event.  Although he lost pretty badly in the 400m dash due to the fact that all of his competitors had two functional legs, he’s still the type of underdog story that makes everyone feel good for a minute or two.  Unless of course, you think Pistorious is cheating and somehow has an unfair advantage (again, the dude has NO LEGS).  In that case, I suggest you go to your nearest grocery store, buy two sticks of butter, lube up your dominant forearm, and rapidly fist yourself.  Especially if your name rhymes with “hat-trick shady”.

Son of a bitch.  I just checked my email, and apparently I’m supposed to dress in “business casual” for my first day of class because we’ll be “meeting actual patients”.  Bullshit.  I guarantee that UW has cherry-picked the nicest, most easygoing patients that they can find, because they don’t want us to know the truth: a lot of patients are assholes.  In fact, the entire first day is kind of a gimmick that UW uses to tell prospective students “you get to see patients on the first day!”  What they don’t tell you is that you can’t do a damn thing for them because you don’t learn anything of clinical importance until your third year.  Screw it, I think I’ll just show up in athletic shorts and a cutoff shirt.  And a tie, or course.

Now that Olympiad XXX has come to its conclusion, it’s time to sit back, and wait to see just how many future gold medalists were conceived in the Olympic Village over a two-week period.  The IOC reportedly put in an order for over 10,000 condoms to be delivered before the games started.  Personally, if I were managing the US Olympic team, I’d put a halt to all shipments for the Americans.  We want them pumping out as many future studs as possible.  And for the love of God, someone needs to convince LeBron and Serena Williams to have a kid.  In fact, stopping at one would be too risky.  So just how many kids should LeBron and Serena have?  Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven…

Anyways, it’s about time to call it a summer for the Chode Picks.  I’ll be back for week 1 of the NFL season, ready to dominate those of you foolish enough to play fantasy football with me, and entertain those of you wise enough to keep away.  Some final thoughts:

-       Okay, I invented Q-Bombs.  But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try one.

-       Last night I received possibly the greatest compliment of my life.  A guy who lived on my dorm floor freshman year told me “When I watch Archer, I think of you.”

-       Fuck you too, Dwight Howard.  Damn it, I hate Los Angeles.

-       Graham Harrell is a terrible quarterback, but B.J. Coleman just might be the worst quarterback in the NFL

Until next time,

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Olympic Preview

Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the first-ever Olympic edition of the Chode Picks!! It’s been nearly three weeks since we wrapped up the NBA season, and my lazy ass has literally been itching for the past twenty days (thank you, women of Madison!) to get back to writing senseless rants about life and sports, so let’s get to it. First up…

CHODE SPORTS!! Admit it. You knew I was going to start off this post with a little bit of unabashed self-promotion. And since my marathon training season is over for the next five months or so, I’m writing about possibly the least athletically impressive and most frustrating “sport” in the world, Ultimate Frisbee. As you may or may not know (and if you don’t know, I suggest you go back and read a few more posts), I’ve been deeply involved with an amateur Frisbee team this summer. Last time I updated you, we were 3-3 with most of the regular season waiting to be decided. Since then, the city of Madison has been wracked with a historic drought, which destroyed the grass playing fields of the Madison Ultimate Frisbee Association. These unfortunate circumstances resulted in most of our remaining games being cancelled, which left us with just five legitimate games on our schedule. Luckily, team Electro-Flow-V was able to win three of them, bringing us to a final record of 6-5 headed into the playoffs, which was good enough to clinch the 3-seed in an sixteen-team playoff. Luckily for our team, the Chode should be present for all of our playoff games, which greatly enhances our chances of capturing the league title this season. As it stands right now, my team has a fantastic record of 5-3 when I play, compared to a dismal 1-2 mark when I am absent. This leads me to one fair, unbiased conclusion: I am the greatest Frisbee player of all time. Seriously. On the field, I am a cross between Usain Bolt and Jerry Rice. My speed and catching abilities routinely make men drop their jaws in amazement, and make women soil their panties with desire. In summary, I fully expect our team to take home the league title, at which point my adoring teammates may or may not carry me off the field between spurts of orgasmic joy. However, to humbly honest with you, this probably isn’t even my best sport, which has become glaringly obvious during what I like to call “the Summer of Chode”. Allow me to explain.

You see, for the past eight months or so, I’ve been living the dream. My only real goal as an undergraduate student at UW-Madison was to gain admission to the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health for an MD degree. I couldn’t care less about my B.S. degree (which is why I famously Tebowed on stage during my graduation ceremony and told my father to take my diploma home and “fucking bury it”). Ever since I accomplished my goal, I’ve been living the life that every college student wants to: sleeping in, skipping class, drinking every night, partying until the sun rises, and generally just having an awesome fucking time as a 22-year-old. Needless to say, after my last classes officially ended in May, I stepped it up a bit. With the knowledge that medical school starts on August 20th, I decided to stick to a glorious schedule of working two days a week, and spending the other five days doing whatever the hell I want. As you can probably imagine, this leaves me with a lot of free time on my hands, which has allowed me to develop my fourth-greatest skill in life (behind dominating standardized tests, magic tricks and seducing young college co-eds): 90’s video games. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Montee Ball.

As you may or may not know, last semester Montee “Heisman” Ball publicly challenged any brave UW student to a showdown in Mario Kart 64. My sources tell me that he remains undefeated to this day. And since he’s clearly the most popular football player on campus, and I’m probably the most popular blogger on campus, I’d like to issue a similar challenge: Super Smash Brothers on N64. That’s right. I dare any UW student to take me on in a one-on-one game of Super Smash. In fact, I will bet you one delicious Chipotle burrito that I will thoroughly kick your ass. Accept my challenge if you dare. Just know that if you do, you will lose, most likely in embarrassing fashion due the brilliance of Fox McCloud’s vicious aerial assault. You’ve been warned. 

Anyways, enough about me. It’s time to get to the most important story of the football offseason. No, not the recent love child between Erin Andrews and Aaron Rodgers. Not even the persistent rumors about Adrian Peterson buying undetectable steroids from India. Nope, it’s time to get to the real goods…

WE ARE… (STILL)… PENN RAPE!!!

Joseph Vincent Paterno. The one man on the planet who I used to wish was coaching the Badgers, had his true colors revealed last week. As you all know by now, “Uncle Joe” was revealed to be part of the massive cover-up operation than allowed Jerry Sandusky to continue anally raping young boys for over a decade. Luckily for Paterno, God decided to give him a merciful death rather than have him face the atrocities that occurred under his nose in State College, PA. In fact, the only thing more ridiculously stupid than Paterno’s oblivious nature is the idiot Penn State students who still defend his actions. Allow me to put it in perspective. I’ve been a diehard Badger fan for as long as I can remember. I literally bleed red and white. Barry Alvarez was one of my childhood heroes. I will never forget watching him raise the Rose Bowl Championship trophies in 2000 and 2001. But if I ever found out that he had helped cover up a child abuse crime like the one that occurred in Happy Valley, I would personally walk to Camp Randall, rig up his statue with M-80s, blow it all to hell, and piss on the ashes. Some things are more important than sports. Unfortunately, there’s a simple explanation for the PSU students who feel compelled to defend Paterno: they’re idiots. I’m not terribly surprised, either. After all, we have our fair share of morons here in Madison, and I can imagine that there are even more at an academically inferior institute like Penn State.

Well, now that I got that rant off of my chest, let’s move on the main focus of this post, Olympiad XXX (Yes, I’m using roman numerals, only because it makes the 2012 Olympics look like a clumsily-titled porno). As you probably didn’t know, the Chode flew to London four days ago to cover the Games on behalf of Fox Sports Network. Since then, I’ve been spending most of my time touring around the city, drinking gin and tonic with Paul McCartney, and ruthlessly heckling the Canadian Olympic team. Also, I feel like this is a good time to remind you that the Chode Picks usually consist of roughly 40% fact, 50% biased opinion, and 10% utter bullshit. I’ll let you determine which category this paragraph belongs in.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate the obvious winners of the opening ceremonies: the People’s “Republic” of China. If for some reason you felt the need to watch this year’s proceedings from start to finish, you probably came to two conclusions:
1) You have way too much free time on your hands and seriously need to re-evaluate your life (again, this is coming from a guy who works a total of 16 hours a week)
2) England has neither the motivation nor resources (slave labor in particular) to match the Chinese in terms of global spectacle. 
Regardless, now that the God-awful opener is out of the way, it’s time to get to the actual sports, from least to most important. First up…

Olympic Sand Volleyball

I feel robbed. For the past two Olympics, I was operating under the assumption that the USA had the hottest sand volleyball team in the world with Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. However, after actually watching a few matches this year, it’s become obvious that if medals were awarded on pure sexiness rather than athletic ability, the Americans wouldn’t be anywhere near the podium. Seriously, have you SEEN the Brazilian team!? Or the Russians?? Good Lord. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even watch sand volleyball at work anymore because it’s nearly impossible to hide an erection while wearing scrubs. Nevertheless, from this point on I’ll be rooting for Brazil to make the Gold-medal game, only because I don’t want to miss a second of watching those babes jumping around in bikinis.

GOLD: USA
SILVER: Brazil
BRONZE: China (boo!, ugly)

Olympic Swimming

Can we all agree to pretend that the USA’s silver-medal performance in the 400 freestyle relay never happened today? Good. I refuse to acknowledge that Phelps, Lochte and company were beaten by a bunch of European surrender-monkeys from a smelly disgusting country that rhymes with “dance”. Anyways, since swimming is more of an individual sport, I’m picking these medals for specific swimmers rather than countries. I know it makes absolutely no sense, but bear with me. Also, because I’m an arrogant douche, I feel like I need to point out that in a 2008 version of the Chode Picks, I predicted that Ryan Lochte would win more gold medals than Phelps in 2012. Add it to my ever-growing list of brilliant forecasts.

GOLD: Ryan Lochte (4 gold medals)
SILVER: Michael Phelps (3 gold medals)
BRONZE: Who the fuck cares?

Olympic Track and Field

This is the part of the Olympics that convinced me to never have children. Rather than passing on my admittedly brilliant genes, I’ve decided that the first thing I’m doing when I turn 30 is traveling to Jamaica, holding 100-meter dash tryouts for 11 year-olds, adopting the fastest one, and bringing him back to America. I’m sick of watching the Jamaican flag being carried around the track after every sprinting event. Unfortunately, nobody from the USA has caught on to my genius scheme yet, so we’re probably going to have to watch the green, black and gold dominate the podium again this year.

GOLD: Yohan Blake
SILVER: Usain Bolt
BRONZE: Tyson Gay

Olympic Basketball

Finally. A sport where the United States of America can dominate in spectacular fashion, the way God intended. Until the International Olympic Committee gets off their high horse and adds football and competitive eating to the event list, this will be our best bet to watch the good guys kick some serious foreign ass. After All-Stars Dwight Howard, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Derrick Rose and Blake Griffin dropped out of the Games due to injury; many pundits declared that Spain was the new favorite to take home the gold this year. ESPN.com’s own Michael Wilbon even claimed that if starting center Tyson Chandler got into foul trouble, we wouldn’t be able to stop the feared Spanish frontcourt of Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol and Serge Ibaka. Well thanks Wilbon, but that’s exactly what I’d expect from a pessimistic Chicago asshole. In fact, when The USA faced off against Spain in an exhibition match last week, Chandler somehow found a way to foul out after just eight fucking minutes on the court, while LeBron, Kobe, Durant and company still won in a blowout. So unless the Americans suffer another freakish rash of injuries or Coach K gets assassinated, I think it’s fair to say that the gold is still ours to lose. And in all honesty, I think that this team could compete with the original Dream Team. I’m not saying that they’re better (although Kobe and LeBron showed some serious stones by declaring that they would beat Jordan’s squad), but I think if they played ten games against ’92 team, they would win at least three. 
By the way, that brings me to a point that I’ve wanted to make for the past eight months, which most of you are going to vehemently disagree with, mostly because you don’t know what you’re talking about; right now, LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan ever was in his prime. Go ahead and call bullshit, just know what you’re using the same logic as people who say that Favre in his prime was better than Rodgers. It’s revisionist history, and it’s about as logical as huffing OFF to keep mosquitoes away.

GOLD: USA
SILVER: Argentina
BRONZE: Spain

Time for a few more nuggets of wisdom before we call it a wrap:

- These Games became a lot less exciting when I found out that unfortunately, there will not be an event where 12-to-18 year-old children are thrown into an arena and forced to fight to the death
- Ryan Lochte probably became my new favorite Olympian last week when he capped off an interview about the Olympic culture by giving the following quote: “I had a girlfriend while I was in Beijing. That was a big mistake.”
- The international three-point shot is pretty much a layup for Kevin Durant. He’s a taller, more efficient version of Kobe. It’s really not fair.
- Sorry, but I don’t have a hilarious YouTube video for you this week. Somebody bail me out and put one up. Otherwise, I’ll be forced to post a video of my roommate lip-synching “I Want Candy”. Don’t make me do it.
- CREVICE FOR LIFE!

- Chode Out.