Chode Picks - Week 2

“If it was easy, everyone would do it.” Yes, that’s right, I’m starting this week’s edition of the Chode Picks off with a cheesy quote first attributed to the great Robert E. Lichty. Believe it or not, I’m actually not referring to the difficulty of filling up five pages of bullshit for the Chode Picks every week, or even the formidable task of memorizing a bazillion pages of notes for every exam in med school. Nope, I’m talking about the grueling journey that most of us began sometime between the ages of 8 and 12 years old: life as a Wisconsin sports fan. This cruel reality hit me smack in the face last weekend in between watching the Badger football team muster an entire seven points against mighty Oregon State and seeing the vaunted Packer offense stifled against Jim Harbaugh’s thugs on the sacred turf of Lambeau Field. It’s weekends like those that make me wonder why I spend so many of my waking hours following teams that have let me down time and time again. For those of you with inferior sports loyalties to the Vikings and Bears, you have no idea what it’s like to carry this burden. Each and every NFC North title, Big Ten Championship and Super Bowl victory contributes to the collective weight that we, as Wisconsinites must bear. You Minnesotans, in particular, have never been forced to carry the burden of success like we have. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Now, with that said, all of you Packer-haters can kiss my toned, muscular ass now that we’ve righted the ship after dispatching of Jay Cutler and the Bears. I don’t care if the Vikings go on to beat the Colts and take a brief, 2-0 lead in the NFC North, because we all know that eventually they’ll break down like Adrian Peterson’s knees. After two games against playoff-caliber teams, 1-1 isn’t a bad place to be. In summary, I’m not concerned about my Packers. Not at all. On the other hand…

I am VERY concerned about the Wisconsin Badgers. More specifically, I’m worried about our offensive line. For decades, the Wisconsin O-line has been one of the best units in the nation, producing 1000-yard rushers and NFL left tackles like nobody’s business. However, after watching them crumble like cellophane against two subpar defensive teams, you’ve got to wonder if the hogs up front have it in them this year, or if they just REALLY don’t like Danny O’Brien (my money is on the latter, which is why I’ll be screaming for Curt Phillips on Saturday at Camp Randall). After the game I decided on my usual coping strategy, drinking until I could convince myself that we lost to Oregon by three rather than Oregon State. Anyways, as long as they can find some semblance of continuity before Big Ten play starts in two weeks, we’ll still be in good shape to win the Leaders Division and make another trip to Indy this year. Look on the bright side, at least we didn’t lose to Iowa State for the second year in a row (amirite, Hawkeye fans? muhahahaha). Also, I’d like to congratulate the Badgers on extending their historic streak of 174 games without being shut out. Hold your head high, you miserable, disappointing bastards. God, I miss Russell Wilson. 

To cap things off last weekend, I lost in both of my fantasy leagues. It doesn’t get much worse than that. I blame Victor Cruz for dropping seemingly every damn ball that Eli Manning slung his way against the Cowboys, as well as Denarius Moore for sitting out against the Chargers. What a bitch. 

Chode’s All Stars (0-1) vs Fit Wrap Miss (0-1)

Since I already told you about my fantasy woes above, I want to spend a little bit more time on this Packer-Bear game. Two days before the game kicked off, Jay “Cheeks” Cutler told the Packer secondary to quote “bring it on”. Big words from who we already know is a not-so-big man. If you remember last season, he had a similar quote after throwing four interceptions to DeAngelo Hall of the Redskins: “If I could do it again, I’d throw it at him every time”. This guy is ridiculous. His confidence-to-ability ratio is reminiscent of Ryan Leaf. And his accuracy isn’t too far off either. Congratulations Jay, you’ve taken the early lead for Chode’s “Douche of the Year” award. Also, I’d like to salute Kenne for his fantasy team name this week. If my memory serves correctly “Fit, Wrap, Miss” is a perfect description of Kenne’s high school tackling technique.

Chode’s All Stars by 23

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (0-1) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3

Do my eyes deceive me, or did Mike Beaupre, stalwart of fantasy football success, actually lose his first game of the season? Hooray. It’s about damn time. As for you Dave, if you’re expecting me to eat my words about Griffin’s extensive suckitude, keep looking. Anyone can look like a superstar against a creampuff like the (searching…) oh shit, it was the Saints. Damn it. Well fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again, jackass.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 8

My roommate just made me home made granola. It’s delicious. Unfortunately, it’s made from “organic” ingredients, so if I don’t eat it all right now it’ll probably grow mold and infect my room with hippie stank. I feel dirty eating it.

Stafford Infection (0-1) vs No Names (1-0)

First of all, congratulations to Joo for managing to steal a win from me in week 1. Just know that if I wouldn’t have been an idiot and started Denarius Moore, I would’ve beaten you like my ex-wife. Also Eric, I like the new look for your team. Unfortunately, your entire team played like they were suffering from a Stafford Infection last week, and now you’re halfway to 0-2. 

No Names by 7

Mondolockdown (1-0) vs I’m thinking RBs (1-0)

Since I don’t really care much about this matchup, I’m just gonna go ahead and write about the most overblown college football story of the past week: Notre Dame’s move to the ACC. Honestly, I hate to contribute to the Irish hype machine, since it really irritates me when I have to wade through a million bullshit articles every fall claiming that this is the year Notre Dame returns to prominence. Bitch, please. I’m only going to say this once, so listen up: NOTRE DAME IS NOT GOING TO MATTER THIS SEASON!! Although next year they might be able to make some noise in the ACC, since trying to find mediocre teams to beat in the ACC is like trying to pick out a stripper with low self-esteem.

I’m thinking RBs by forty thousand

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (1-0)

I forgot to mention this earlier, but congratulations to myself for successfully managing to jinx four major sports teams last week. After I endorsed the Packers, Badgers, Arkansas Razorbacks and Oklahoma State Cowboys, all four teams went on to suffer embarrassing losses within 48 hours. Perhaps the most humiliating defeat of all belonged to 7th-ranked Arkansas, who paid an unranked FCS team from Louisiana-Monroe to come beat their asses at home. Call it the curse of the Chode. Maybe I should stick to picking basketball and soccer. 

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 12

Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-0) vs Moore is Less (0-1)

Forgetting Brandon Marshall: exactly what the rest of the NFC should do after his disappearing act in tonight’s loss to Green Bay. It seems like every year the Bears make a big free agent acquisition that’s supposedly going to put them over the top. It’s been almost a decade, and we’re still waiting. And no, I don’t care that Matt Forte got hurt. I’d rather lose a player in fantasy and get a Packer win any day. By the way, Cutler’s QB rating tonight was 28.2. If a quarterback drops back and fires every pass straight into the ground, he gets a rating of 36.3. Congratulations Jay, another fantastic outing against Green Bay. Now eat your stupid, bitter words.

Moore is Less by 6

By the way, I’d like to let you all know that I wrote this entire edition BEFORE the Packer-Bear game (Except for Cutler’s QB rating, of course. Couldn’t have seen those coming). That’s how confident I was in a Packer victory tonight. Sucks to suck, Chicago. Also, that fake field goal was awesome. Score one for McCarthy.

Dean’s Cup update! After our Frisbee dominance last Saturday, the med students went on to sweep the law dickheads in tennis, dodgeball and tug-of-war this week. We’re now up by approximately 40 points, and with only a quarter of the events in the books, it doesn’t look like the lawyers have the balls to close the gap on us. They’re rapidly proving that not only are we smarter and more likely to get jobs after graduation, but we’re more athletic as well.

ESPN’s Ultimate Franchise Rankings came out last week, and I’ll let you guess who the top-ranked NFL team was. Yup. Green Bay was ranked #2 overall behind the Oklahoma City Thunder, which makes absolutely no sense, considering the Thunder have been in the NBA for less than half a decade, and their greatest accomplishment in franchise history was losing to the Miami Heat in the Finals this past June. Ridiculous. Also, it’s worth noting that none of the four Minnesota franchises (Vikings, Twins, T-Wolves, Wild) cracked the top 80.

No hilarious new video for you this week, sorry. Just one of the classics.

If you’re in Madison this Saturday, stop by 1206 Bowen for some kegball and stacon before the game against Utah State. Kickoff is at 7:00 PM, so we’ve got plenty of time for fun and games beforehand.

How many interceptions did Cutler throw tonight? Not one, not two, not three…

The Bears still suck.

- Chode Out.