Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to week 4 of the 2012 NFL
season, where the rules are made up, and the points don’t matter! This week, I’m not going to beat around the
bush, but rather get into the heinous crime that occurred four nights ago: the
Inaccurate Reception. Senseless in
Seattle. Touception. The 250 Million-Dollar Missed Call. GoldenGate.
Replacement Refs Shitting All Over Professional FootballGate. Whatever you want to call it, there’s no
denying that the Green Bay Packers, the very pinnacle of everything that is
virtuous and great about the game of football, were bent over by what might go
down as the worst play in the history of professional sports. What makes it worse is that there is only one
man responsible for this atrocity. In
fact, I’m not sure if I can even call him a “man” anymore after his continued
cowardice and blatant arrogance since Monday.
You know who I’m talking about.
He entered the league not too long ago, with the purpose of sustaining
the NFL’s continued prosperity, only to let his greed and hunger for power
overshadow America’s true pastime. He
has filled us with promise time and time again, only to let us down at the
biggest moments. I can honestly say that
with the exception of Osama Bin Laden, I have never felt more disgust towards
one person than I do towards this ugly jackass.
Just hearing his name fills me with rage. He might truly be the antichrist. No, not Lance Easley. Not Golden Tate. Certainly not M.D. Jennings. No, the sickening person responsible for
tarnishing football with the worst scandal since Penn State is none other than…
Russell Wilson.
Filthy, spineless, spawn of everything wrong in the world,
the former Badger quarterback has finally shown his true colors. We should have known better. I can’t count the number of times that
Russell has deliberately filled the good people of Wisconsin with hope, only to
tear us down in the cruelest way imaginable.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt after last year’s Michigan State
game. He sucked me back in after the Big
Ten Championship, only to embarrass us in the Rose Bowl once again. Regardless, I wished him well, and even
rooted for him to win the starting job in Seattle over my beloved Matt Flynn. But now, Russell has done the
unforgivable. He literally STOLE a game
from the GREEN BAY PACKERS on MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, and the dirty bastard
DOESN’T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO ADMIT THAT HE THREW A FUCKING
INTERCEPTION!!! Russell Wilson, as of
right now, you are dead to me. You may
very well be the worst person in the world.
I hope you never complete a pass for the rest of your career. And if I ever see you back in Madison, I’m
going to shove a baseball bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle. You’ve been warned.
So, now that everybody’s pissed off at me, I have a few more
thoughts about last week’s disaster:
-
You know it was a terrible call when Viking and
Bear fans are admitting that the Packers got hosed
-
Normally I laugh at the idiots who jump to
conclusions about games being rigged when their team loses. But honestly, the fact that the it was the
same official who made the bogus pass interference call on Sam Shields, missed
the blatant pass interference on Golden Tate, and then signaled for the winning
“touchdown”, gives me a little bit of doubt.
Especially since that one call shifted 250 million dollars in Vegas
bets. By the way, his name is Lance
Easley, and his phone number is 920-279-2013.
Don’t ask how I got the number, just flame away. You’re welcome.
-
I hate to say it, but if any city other than
Cleveland deserved a break, it was Seattle.
Think about it. Decades ago, we
stole the Seattle Pilots and turned them into the Brewers. Then we ripped their hearts out in the “we
want the ball, we’re going to score” game.
Then the Seahawks got screwed in Super Bowl XL. Then Seattle’s basketball team moved to
Oklahoma City and turned into the most likeable team in the NBA. Honestly, if the refs had done the right
thing and overturned the call on the field, there may have been a full-scale
riot. And it would have been awesome. Speaking of near-riots…
-
The concerted “BULLSHIT!!” chants at the
Patriots-Ravens game were glorious. Well
done, Baltimore.
Anyways, last Monday’s game was only part of what ended up
being a disastrous week for me. Normally
I don’t like to tell you all about the shitty things that happen to me, since I
don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch, but after all of my gloating and
self-promotion over the past few years, I think you might get some pleasure out
of hearing about my shitty week. First
of all on Sunday night, I played my first flag football game of the season,
which was going spectacularly until I attempted to grab the flag of a guy on
the other team at the same moment he decided to see if his head could fit
inside my mouth. To make a painful story
short, his forehead ended up knocking two of my upper teeth out of place and
left me spitting up mouthfuls of blood for a solid half-hour. Luckily, I was able to get some gauze from
the trainer and push my teeth back into place (yes, it hurt like a motherfucker)
and went to see a dentist on Tuesday.
Unfortunately, he informed me that I’m probably looking at a double root
canal to remove two damaged nerves in a couple of weeks. Hooray.
The next day, I was riding my bike back from class (after my moped died
the week before, taking away my only motorized transportation to class two
miles away) when my handlebars decided to break free from the frame of my bike
just as I was cutting across traffic.
Needless to say, I ate shit on the pavement in front of an oncoming car
as my bike landed on my legs. Fortunately,
my knees and hands broke my fall, and I walked away with only a few minor
scrapes and bruises (thank God that guy driving the Prius was alert enough to
slam on his brakes), along with a healthy dose of embarrassment and a newfound
sense of my own mortality. Combined with
the Monday Night Football travesty and the fact that our first block of exams
starts in two days, it’s made for a fairly awful seven-day stretch. Also, my headphones broke today as I started
writing this and I’m fairly certain the Badgers are going to get their asses
handed to them tomorrow night in Nebraska.
All of this however, pales in comparison to the sheer terror
I felt four days ago when CBS News reported that a global bacon shortage is
“unavoidable”. Good Lord, that’s
terrifying. What the hell did I do to
deserve this!? I think we can all agree
that a world without Saturday Stacon would be a very, very depressing place,
and if there’s one thing I’m damn sure of it’s that I AM NOT GOING TO EAT
TURKEY BACON! So to be safe, I went out
and bought five pounds of bacon today.
Perhaps God is finally getting even with me for an entire summer worth
of laziness and debauchery on my part.
So forgive me if I sound a little bitter this week. Anyways, enough bitching. Time for the picks.
Chode’s All Stars (1-2) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-3)
Yeah that’s right, Nate.
How does it feel to be looking up at me in the standings after three
solid seasons of success? Not good, I
hope. On my part, this must be what it
feels like to be a Viking fan. A glimmer
of hope, with the certain knowledge that it can’t last for long. Just for the sake of my continued relative
sanity, let’s hope it does anyways.
Chode’s All Stars by 23
I’m a little Cuntler (0-3) vs Stafford Infection (2-1)
Congratulations, Kenne.
For the first time in the history of the Chode Picks, you made me think
about censoring somebody’s team name for a brief second. I’m really not sure what it is about the
letters c, u, n, and t in succession that makes them so offensive. Then again, I’m also not sure what it is
about Jay Cutler’s face that makes me want to beat him with a sock full of
batteries, so I guess it’s all fair.
With that said, there’s no way I can pick you to win until Finley proves
to me that his hands aren’t actually made of stone. Come on Jermichael, get it together. And fire your agent, too.
Stafford Infection by 11
Mondolockdown (3-0) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (1-2)
Can somebody explain to me what the hell happened to Peyton
Manning? In week 1 against the Steelers,
he looked like his usual Pro-Bowl self, but ever since then he’s looked like a
slower, older, uglier version of Danny O’Brien.
He’s missing open recievers, making poor reads, and can’t throw further
than 40 yards anymore. If he doesn’t
improve and the Broncos end up missing the playoffs this year, Denver fans are
going to be raging pissed that Elway got rid of Tim Tebow, and rightly so. Anyways, I’m picking Team Beaupre this week
because I refuse to be part of a league in which Mondlock is 4-0.
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 18
Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-2) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3
(2-1)
HAHA!! GRIFFIN LOSES
AGAIN!! I’m not going to say “I told you
so”, because that would be condescending and unnecessary, but I may have warned
you once or twice. It won’t be long
before Redskin fans develop a disgust reflex to the mere mention of his name,
the same way Viking fans do when you say “Gary Anderson”, or the same way I do
when I walk into my bathroom (it reeks of vomit right now, and I have
absolutely no idea why. I haven’t thrown
up since my infamous graduation bender, and really I doubt that somebody broke
in last night, threw up and left. Really
not sure why I’m sharing this with you all, but you’re welcome. Gary Anderson).
Forgetting Brandon Marshall by 1
Moore is Less (1-2) vs No Names (2-1)
Oh, come on Will.
It’s week 4 and you’re already starting 5 injured guys and one with a
bye week. Act like you care a
little. This isn’t fun. Also, I forgot to mention this earlier, but
if anyone is heading from Madison to Oshkosh next weekend, let me know. I need a ride.
No Names by 807
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (3-0) vs I’m Thinking RBs (2-1)
If I cared about golf, I’d probably tell you about the USA
taking a commanding lead in the Ryder Cup this afternoon, but I don’t, so
that’s the last I’m going to say about it.
Also, it’s being held in Illinois, so I don’t know if it officially
counts for anything. And if I cared
about this fantasy football matchup, I’d probably tell you that Dan is going to
lose because he’s down in Baja Wisconsin, watching Phil Mickelson and furiously
masturbating.
I’m Thinking RBs by 6
Happy Oktoberfest to all of you who made it to LaCrosse this
weekend. I was planning on attending the
festivities this year, until I realized that exams started the following
Monday. Maybe next year. I’ve been told that Oktoberfest is to
Lacrosse as Halloween or Mifflin is to Madison.
Honestly, I have a hard time believing that, because everyone knows that
whatever another UW school can do, UW-Madison does ten times better. Did I mention that Halloween is just over a
month away?
Well, the Big Ten football season is finally upon us, and it
couldn’t have come at a better time.
Saying that the Big Ten did poorly in the nonconference schedule would
be like saying that France did poorly in World War II. The list of embarrassing losses for Big Ten
teams stretches longer than the line of people who expected me to make a joke
about my penis size here. Personally, I
think the decline of Big Ten football can be traced back to the sad fact that
we’re the only BCS conference that still puts some emphasis on the “student”
part of “student-athlete”. Come on Jim
Delany, time to loosen it up a bit. We
all know Montee Ball and Braxton Miller aren’t going to make a living with a
com-arts degree anyways.
Just two more thoughts before I close up shop this week:
-
I have a feeling that I’m REALLY not going to
like Andrew Maxwell for the next four years
-
This week’s video is dedicated to me, since I
spent two or three precious hours writing when I should have been studying.
- Chode Out.
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