Coming to you LIVE from the (temporary) center of the
Universe; Oshkosh, Wisconsin, welcome to week five of the legendary Chode
Picks!! Yes that’s right. Shortly after med school exams finished on
Wednesday this week, the Chode was kidnapped by a band of hooligans from UW-O
(or as I’m calling it: Madison North) for the weekend, leaving me no choice but
to write this week’s edition from the friendly confines of the Fox River
Valley, otherwise known as “where college dreams go to die”. Yes, I know it means that I’ll be missing
this Saturday’s college football showdown with Illinois in Madison, but after
last weekend’s debacle in Nebraska, I’m honestly not all that sad about missing
it, for the following reasons:
First of all, our offensive line just put together the most
pathetic five-game stretch I’ve ever seen in my 14 years of watching Badger
football. They don’t deserve the support
that our raucous fan base gives them week after week, and I’ll be damned if
they’re going to sucker me in for another mediocre performance on the sacred
turf of Camp Randall. And if they don’t
have it figured out in two weeks for the Minnesota game, I’m going to
personally hunt them all down and cock-punch them until they get the message.
Secondly, I’m fairly certain that the two remaining members
of the Three Best Friends and company will be able to fry up some pretty decent
Stacon in my absence. Don’t let me down,
friends.
Lastly, I’ve only been to Oshkosh twice in my college
career, and I feel like it’s only fair to the second-best party school in
Wisconsin to grace them with my presence at least one more time. My fellow Badgers, you have my sincerest
apologies, but I know you’ll do fine without me.
Anyways, time for some professional football analysis. I’m sure you all watched as the Green Bay
Packers knocked off the struggling-but-dangerous Saints last Sunday, improving
their win-loss ratio to 3-1*, while dropping New Orleans to a pathetic 0-4,
despite the referees’ continued best efforts to dethrone the once and future
champions. Hold on a minute. I want to savor this…
THE SAINTS ARE OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS!!! THE SAINTS ARE OUT OF
THE PLAYOFFS!!! THE SECOND-BEST
QUARTERBACK IN THE NFC IS NO LONGER A THREAT!!
AARON RODGERS IS ROCKY BALBOA (CUT ME, MICK)!! THE LIONS ARE 1-3!! WE ALREADY CRUSHED THE BEARS AND THE VIKINGS
ARE STILL PRETENDERS!!
Yeah, that’s right, Minnesota. I said it.
Your merry band of idiots may have won three games in the first month of
the season, but you still know the truth.
It’s been ingrained in your puny, undersized brains. Minnesota sports teams have followed the same
pattern since our childhood: start the season strong, get your fans’ hopes up,
then collapse in devastating fashion and miss the playoffs, or even better yet,
make the playoffs and suffer an embarrassing defeat on the national stage (see:
1999 Vikings, or 2003 Vikings, or 2003-2004 Timberwolves, or 2005 Golden
Gophers, or 2010 Vikings, or 2011-2012 Timberwolves. I’m probably forgetting a few). I’ve seen this movie before. It doesn’t end well for the mud-ducks. Enjoy your short-lived success. In the meantime, be sure to tune in and watch
the Packers beat the hell out of the Indianapolis Colts this Sunday. Go Pack Go.
In a completely unrelated story, the WNBA finished their
first round of playoffs this week, and still, nobody gives a shit.
Also, the 2012 presidential debate is going on right now,
which might just end up being the biggest waste of time for American TV viewers
this year. Personally, there are two
reasons I’m not watching it. First, my
roommate challenged me to drink every time I hear the words “Obamacare” or
“Bain Capital”, which would probably take me from already drunk to passed out
in less than thirty minutes. Secondly,
I’m sure I’ll hear enough of the rhetoric bullshit and clichés from both parties
in ads between football games from now until November, and like most of the
country, I already know who I’m voting for (unless of course, one of them
promises to overturn the outcome of the Packers-Seahawks travesty). I’ll catch the replay on Saturday Night Live. So to recap, Barack Obama is a feeble,
freedom-hating socialist driving our country to the brink of bankruptcy, and
Mitt Romney is an out-of-touch elitist who wants to enslave the poor. There, everybody happy? No?
Everyone is pissed at me now?
Alright, close enough.
Chode’s All Stars (2-2) vs Moore is Less (1-3)
Yeah, that’s right.
After an embarrassing 0-2 start to the season, Chode’s All Stars have
surged to two straight victories, marking the beginning of my first legitimate
fantasy football winning streak since the 2010 season. Don’t expect it to stop anytime soon either,
since my opponent, Will Brydon has conveniently decided to start two players on
bye weeks and two more who aren’t playing due to injury. Thanks for the free win, dude.
Chode’s All Stars by 40
Mondolockdown (3-1) vs I’m a little Cuntler (1-3)
HAHA!! Finally, a
loss for Brandon after three weeks of improbable success. I’m not going to stroke my ego by telling you
that I called it a week ago, but let’s be honest: I totally did. You can go ahead and say that I jinxed you
Mondlock, but we both knew that your futility would eventually catch up with
you. Welcome to your new losing streak.
I’m a little Cuntler by 5
Stafford Infection (2-2) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-4)
Don’t worry Nate, there’s no shame in being 0-4, especially
after a tough loss to the best team in the league. Just ask the Saints. However, falling to 0-5 would be pretty
humiliating, especially since Aaron Rodgers is on your team. He deserves better than the heap of
mediocrity you’ve surrounded him with.
Also, fuck you for stealing Jackie Battle off of the waiver wire from
me. Anyways, I’m picking Eric this week
in an attempt to make him feel better about the sorry state of football in his
home state of Michigan. It’s been over a
full decade since the Lions won the NFC North, or the Wolverines won the Big
Ten. Hail to the victors?
Stafford Infection by 13
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (2-2) vs Forgetting Brandon
Marshall (1-3)
Teams heading in opposite directions here. Beaupre and company dropped the first two
games of the season, only to rebound and climb back into the playoff hunt in
weeks 3 and 4. Jared’s team on the other
hand, looked really impressive in a week 1 victory, only to implode and lose
three straight. And if there’s anything
I’ve learned from my dismal gambling track record, it’s that you keep riding a
team until they make you look like a fool.
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by eleventy billion
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (3-1) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself
(3-1)
I know it’s early, but I have not picked Dave to win a game
this season. I am not going to pick Dave
to win a game this season! I will not
pick Dave to win a game this year!! I AM
NOT PICKING DAVE TO WIN A SINGLE DAMN GAME THIS YEAR!!!
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 6.626*10^-34
Also Dan, thanks for jinxing the US in the Ryder Cup. Much appreciated. If there’s anything I hate more than losing
to Illinois, Michigan or Minnesota, it’s losing to fucking Europe. We’re the United States of America, that’s not
supposed to happen. And I think we
invented golf. If I’m wrong, don’t
correct me.
No Names (3-1) vs I’m thinking RBs (3-1)
So. A couple of
things. First off, it’s 9:00 PM on
Sunday night and I haven’t posted the Chode Picks yet. My apologies.
While I very much appreciate all of your concerns, I am in fact alive
and well, so there’s no need to call the authorities or organize a search
party. The fact is, I started writing
this week’s edition on Friday afternoon, and simply couldn’t find the time to
finish it during my 48-hour drinking spree in Oshkosh. Also, I woke up today with what just might be
the worst hangover in the history of the world, and just recently regained my
ability to think and type. So to recap:
this weekend thoroughly kicked my ass and I’m never drinking again. That’s why the Chode Picks are late. Deal with it.
What does this have to do with fantasy football? Not a damn thing.
I’m thinking RBs by 9
Also, I don’t want to hear your stupid jokes about the
Packer loss today. Yes, I’m fully aware
that Minnesota has a better record than Green Bay. Congratulations, you now have exactly one win
for every Packer Super Bowl Championship.
And I’m having difficulty hearing you because I HAVE A LOMBARDI TROPHY
IN MY EAR!!
A couple more random thoughts before I wrap it up this week:
-
At 4-2, the Wisconsin football team now needs
only two more victories over Purdue and Indiana to lock up a spot in the Big
Ten Championship game.
-
In just over four seasons, Oregon’s Chip Kelley
has amassed 40 wins to only six losses.
-
My Stacon brings all the boys to the yard, and
Caitlin, it’s still better than yours
-
Seriously, what the fuck Mason Crosby!?
- Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment