FRIDAY:
It was just a matter of time. We all knew it was coming. There are a few times a year when everything
falls into place, when you can do no wrong, your enemies are helpless to stop
you, and there’s only one thing left to say to all of the doubters: “Shhhhhhh” Do you know the feeling? Aaron Rodgers does. The reigning NFL MVP was left for dead and
buried last week by the majority of the national media, facing the
seemingly-unbeatable and undefeated Houston Texans on their own turf, under the
bright lights of Sunday Night Football, only to come out and produce possibly
the greatest “eff you” performance we’ve seen in past two decades, silencing
all of the critics who had been waiting for over a full year to unleash their
bitterness and jealousy upon him.
Unfortunately for the rest of the NFL, it seems like he’s just getting
warmed up. The Green Bay Packers, having
worked through the most difficult part of their schedule, are poised to make a
dominating run throughout the rest of the regular season and into the
playoffs. It’s going to be a lot of fun
watching them catch and surpass both Minnesota and Chicago over the course of
the season. In fact, I’d almost prefer
to lose early in the season and come from behind rather than start the season
with perfection and have a target on my back every week. Minnesotans, I hope you enjoyed your fleeting
moment in the sun, because briefly holding a 4-1 record will, sadly enough, go
down as your team’s greatest accomplishment over the past three seasons. Congratufuckinglations. The Lambeau Atrium STILL holds one Vince
Lombardi trophy for every victory you’ve achieved this season. Hey, speaking of reasons why your state is
inferior…
BADGERS!! The battle
for Paul Bunyan’s axe, the most one-sided rivalry in college football, renews
again TOMORROW at 11:00 AM in Madison, Wisconsin. Those of you who made it here for the game, I
guarantee that you will not be disappointed.
Consider this weekend as sort of a “dry run” for next weekend’s
Halloween festivities. Except there’s
nothing really “dry” about it since it’s been raining all week and the entire
campus is going to be drunk by 9:00 AM tomorrow. Of course, I stocked up on the necessities
before I sat down to write the Picks this evening, namely a 36 pack of Boxer
Lager, a handle of ten-dollar vodka and four pounds of bacon. It’s really disturbing to me how I’ve been
going to the same liquor store for three years now, yet they still look at me
with those fucking judgmental eyes when I walk up to the counter with the
cheapest beer and liquor in the store.
Assholes. Anyways, tomorrow will
mark the 9th consecutive year that the Wisconsin football team has
defeated their inferior counterparts from Minnesota. To put that in perspective, starting Badger
quarterback Joel Stave was in 5th grade the last time the Gophers
laid their hands on the Axe. And
considering that Minnesota lost their only decent offensive player to injury
last week, I think it’s safe to say that it won’t be heading back to
Minneapolis anytime soon. Enjoy your
empty trophy case and second-rate education.
You’re welcome.
Oh by the way, Kevin Love has a broken hand. Out for 6-8 weeks. Shitty.
The T-Wolves might actually be forced to put a black dude in their
starting lineup for a while. Racist
bastards. Go Fever.
Well, I suppose it’s about time to update you all on my
march to a fantasy football championship.
Picks incoming…
Chode’s All Stars (3-3) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (5-1)
I will spare you my harsh criticism this week David, if only
because your team’s namesake handed the Vikings an embarrassing loss last
Sunday, which made me giggle while I was pretending to be nice and not rub it
in my roommate’s face. And considering
that your team is far more talented than mine, I’m just going to assume that
you’re going to beat me on Sunday, so I will be exacting my revenge in advance
by force-feeding you Q-Bombs tomorrow.
In the immortal words of Larry Bird, merry fucking Christmas.
Chode’s All Stars by 3.141
Forgetting Brandon Mondlock (2-4) vs Current Black
Presidents (3-3)
Nice adjustment, Jared.
Subtle, yet brilliant. It doesn’t
matter that roughly 4 out of 5 people reading this don’t know who Brandon
Mondlock is (consider yourselves lucky).
Yet as good as your team name is, I can’t pick you to win this week, for
one reason: YOU NEED TO REPLACE PHILIP RIVERS!
Not just this week during his bye, either. The man is a cancer, and he will kill your
team. Season after season, he finds ways
to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, and the Chargers never make the
playoffs, despite having one of the most talent-laden rosters in the NFL. In a certain sense, he’s the anti-Tebow. Hey speaking of Touchdown Timmy…
Current Black Presidents by 22.4
Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-6) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije
(1-5)
WAKE THE HELL UP, Rex Ryan.
Mark Sanchez is not a winner. He
will not lead the Jets to the playoffs this year, or the next. In fact, roughly one year ago, Tim Tebow was
serving as a backup to yet another incompetent quarterback, only to win the
starting job and lead his team to a division title and a playoff victory over
the heavily-favored Steelers (by the way Jared, you’ve still got two slaps
coming from that bet. I will find
you). There is absolutely no doubt in my
mind that he can do the same thing for New York this season. To make a long story short, the man has
balls. Large balls. You would too if you were a 25-year old
virgin. Regardless, both of these fantasy
teams suck (which explains why you have a combined 1-11 record), so I’m not
picking either of you to win. Deal with
it.
TIE
SATURDAY:
Mondolockdown (4-2) vs I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (3-3)
There’s nothing I love more than watching the Badgers prove
me right. I just got back from the 38-13
ass-whooping that Wisconsin laid on Minnesota, and I really feel like we just
saved our season. Now, at 3-1 in Big Ten
play, it will be pretty much impossible for Purdue, Indiana or Illinois to
catch the Badgers for the Leaders division championship. Book your hotels in Indianapolis now, because
the entire season is coming down to one game in December against Michigan,
Nebraska or Iowa with a trip to the Rose Bowl on the line. Also, I just decided that I’m taking a trip
to Minneapolis next season to watch the Badgers win their 10th
straight border battle game. That’s
right, a full decade of dominance. No
way in hell I’m missing it. By the way,
I’m gonna go ahead and say what we’re all thinking: James White and Melvin
Gordon are the second and third-best running backs in the Big Ten. On Wisconsin.
Mondolockdown by 16
By the way, congratulations to Jerry Kill on making it
through the game today without having his customary third-quarter seizure.
Stafford Infection (4-2) vs I’m thinking RBs (4-2)
Quiz time! Who leads
the NFL in passer rating right now?
Nope, not Tom Brady. Or Matt
Schaub. Or Peyton Manning. Not RG3 either. That’s right; Aaron motherfucking
Rodgers. With a rating of 105.4, Rodgers
has been statistically the most effective passer in the league through six
games. And since we’re on the topic of
his greatness, I’d like to take a moment to point out that in four of his five
seasons as a starter, Rodgers has posted a better QBR than ANY of Brett Favre’s
seasons. Just more proof that someday
Favre will be remembered as the guy who came before Aaron Rodgers, not the
other way around. The Joe Montana/Steve
Young comparisons just don’t apply anymore (mostly because Rodgers is better
than Favre ever was, but also because Jo Montana never texted pictures of his
junk to sideline reporters).
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (3-3) vs No Names (4-2)
Congratulations to the North Dakota Fighting Injuns on
taking a 14-point lead at halftime over the powerful Montana Grizzlies. The Redmen are looking to improve their
record from a pathetic 3-4 to a slightly less pathetic mark of 4-4. Normally I’d wait until after the game to
write about this, but I really don’t feel like staying awake for another hour
and a half waiting on the Mohawks while I could be napping instead. It’s been a long day. But regardless, I promised wide receiver John
Heimler of the Savages that I’d give his team a shout out in this week’s
edition. Best of luck in the second
half.
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 80
BONUS PICK!!
Now that we’ve settled on a league trophy in my second
fantasy league (the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Goddess Statue), I think it’s
only fair that I write about it a little bit.
Oddly enough, both of my teams are 3-3, with all of my wins and losses
coming in the same weeks. I’m pretty
sure that trend won’t hold this week though, since I’m playing the league
leader in my first league and facing off against the Bianca Miceli (who drafted
possibly the worst fantasy football team of all time) in the second. I’m projected to win by 41, but I’ll be
disappointed if I can’t manage a 50-point margin of victory. Suck it, Biceli.
Victorious Hymen (don’t ask) by 51
EXPANDERS LEAGUE STANDINGS
Leaders Division:
Squirts MacIntosh (4-2)
Fuck it! We’ll Do It
Live (4-2)
Montee Balls in Your Face (3-3)
Mrs. Rodgers Neighborhood (3-3)
Team Stahl (3-3)
Fuck Charter (0-6)
Legends Division:
He’s Fancy, He’ll Go Glove (stupidest fucking team name
ever, 5-1)
Victorious Hymen (3-3)
Touchdown My Pants (3-3)
My Peyton Man-thing (3-3)
Aaron Is Gay With Clay (3-3)
Poopy Balls (2-4)
By the way, the 2012-2013 NBA season starts on October 30th,
so don’t miss my season preview next week, when I reveal who will lift the
Larry O’Brien Trophy next June (hint: it’s a team from Florida and it’s not the
Magic). Also, Adidas released their
newest shoe this week, the Derrick Rose 3.0.
So if you want to tear your ACL in style, go out and get yourself a
pair.
-Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment