FRIDAY:
Ladies and near-gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I
present to you the 2012 Halloweekend edition of the Chode Picks!! The end of October is upon us and it’s
officially the most wonderful time of year in Madison, WI. Not only will the usual Freakfest debaucheries
be going on all weekend, but the UW football team also plays their homecoming
game against the Michigan State Spartans, who are just good enough to give the
Badgers a competitive, exciting game, but certainly not good enough to knock us
off at home. Combine that with a
near-certain win for the Packers at Lambeau on Sunday against the Jaguars, and
it makes for a perfect storm of awesomeness.
The sole downside of what otherwise could be a flawless weekend is that
the temperature dropped 30 degrees overnight, meaning I’ll need to be extra
drunk before the game tomorrow.
Shouldn’t be too difficult.
Since I’m sure you’re all dying to hear what my Halloween
costume and it’s too late for you to steal it from me now, I’d like to tell you
that I’ve finally found the perfect costume.
After running a through gamut of successful ideas in years past (King
Leonidas, Rocky Balboa, Adolf Hitler, Toad Stool and Barney Stinson, to name a
few), I finally settled on the perfect fit: Austin Danger Powers. It helps that the other two of the Three Best
Friends agreed to go as Vanessa Kenzington and Felicity Shagwell. Thanks, ladies.
Also, I thought of the perfect idea for any of you female
readers who haven’t come up with a costume yet (zero of you, I know). It’s simple, yet brilliant. Just strip down to your lingerie, carve a
jack-o-lantern, cut out the bottom, and put it over your head. You’ll be the most sought-after girl in the
whole damn city, even if you have an ugly face.
Trust me on this one.
Chode’s All Stars (3-4) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (3-4)
Don’t be fooled, Mike.
The Bears are not as good as they seem.
Chicago sports teams have been pulling this stunt for decades: win a ton
of games at the start of the season, win the division, get everyone’s hopes up,
and then implode in the playoffs (see: 2012 Bulls, 2011 Bulls, 2010 Bears, 2006
Bears, 2005 Bears... I can keep going).
My point is, no matter how impressive they’ve looked against the rest of
the league so far, we all know the truth: Green Bay owns Jay Cutler. I’m already excited to watch Matthews and
company rip him apart in January.
In the same way, I think it’s pretty obvious that my fantasy
team’s record is also misleading. This
is a three-win team that could easily be 7-0 if not for a few unlucky bounces
up to this point. Sooner or later, it
will all come together. Not that it
really matters, since I just discovered that out of the twelve teams in our
league, no fewer than twelve of us make the playoffs. That’s right, we’re playing a full 13-game
season just for seeding purposes.
Commissioner Kenne, I appreciate your efforts to ensure that my team
makes the postseason, but this might not have been your finest idea.
Chode’s All Stars by 401
Current Black Presidents (3-4) vs The Nation of Israel
Idonije (1-6)
While we’re on the topic of bad ideas, I want to share with
you all a couple of my lifelong dreams.
More specifically, they’re business plans that I’ve been sitting on for
a while, but don’t have the money to put into action yet. The reason I’m sharing them with you is so
when they finally do get rolling, you can all invest right away. First of all, this will probably surprise
absolutely nobody, but I want to open a strip club. And honestly, I can’t tell you how many times
I’ve been sitting in a strip club in front of some poor girl with daddy issues
that I couldn’t have gone for a delicious burrito at the same time. So my strip club will be the first to
incorporate a full Chipotle restaurant into its establishment. And yes, I’m going to name it Stripotle.
Now, if there’s one thing I love almost as much as naked
girls and delicious Mexican food, it’s bowling.
So as soon as Stripotle gets off the ground and starts making a profit,
I also plan on opening a bowling alley in Southern California. I’ll call it Smoke-a-Bowl. Genius, I know. By the way, if any of you are thinking about
stealing either of these brilliant ideas, just remember that I’m very good with
needles and in a few years I’ll have a full supply of potent drugs at my
disposal. What does all of this have to
do with fantasy football? Not a damn
thing.
Current Black Presidents by 34
Woodhead be considered cheating? (3-4) vs LeBroncore (3-4)
YES!!! Yes, yes, yes.
I cannot tell you how much I am enjoying both of your team names right
now. First of all Dan, that’s a damn
good question. I can’t give you a solid
answer. It really depends on the
situation. As for Jared’s team, this
segues perfectly into what I really wanted to write about this week…
That’s right, Chode’s own 2012-2013 NBA season preview!
As you should know by now, the NBA regular season begins in
exactly three days, and just in case you were locked in a closet or Northern
Minnesota for the past six months, you might not have heard that the Los Angeles
Lakers recently signed All-Stars Steve Nash and Dwight Howard, establishing
themselves as the media favorites to take home the title next summer. Well, as you also know by this point, I
rarely agree with the mainstream media when it comes to picking champions. And I am absolutely elated that my favorite
basketball team will be the underdogs while defending their hard-earned title
this season. Allow me to break down the
title contenders by conference.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Steve Nash. Kobe
Bryant. Ron “Metta World Elbow”
Artest. Pau Gasol. Dwight Howard. No, that’s not the 2009 All-Star team, it’s
this season’s starting lineup for the Lakers, widely presumed to be the best
team in the league. And to be completely
honest, they probably have more talent than anybody professional sports team in
the world. Most pundits have already
penciled in a Heat-Lakers Finals matchup for next June, and to be truthful with
you, I hope they’re right. I’ve been
waiting for this matchup ever since the fateful summer of 2010 when LeBron,
Dwyane and Chris took their talents to South Beach. Bring it on, motherfuckers. Unfortunately for Los Angeles though, talent
alone doesn’t win championships. Just
ask the Knicks. And I think we all know
that Kobe isn’t going to do well sharing with three other ball-dominant
stars. Which is why I’m picking the
following team to beat out the Lakers and the Oklahoma City Thunder to face the
best basketball team of our generation in the Finals…
The San Antonio Spurs.
Yeah, that’s right. Call me a
purist. Call me old-school, but I still
believe in teamwork and experience over pure talent. Also, I like teams that can reliably hit
three-pointers. Which is why the next
team that I’m going to write about WILL repeat as NBA champions…
EASTERN CONFERENCE:
The Miami Heat. Raise
your hand if you’re surprised. Didn’t
think so. You see, while everyone else
in the NBA loaded up on size this offseason, Pat Riley went out and acquired a
few more guys who are really good at putting the ball in the basket, and at
keeping their opponents from doing the same.
The New Big Three will be joined by Ray “I can shoot three-pointers in
my sleep” Allen and Rashard Lewis, two players who perfectly complement the driving,
slash-and-kick games of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh. I’ll admit it, there was a brief second where
I wondered if my beloved Heat could keep up with the star power in Los Angeles,
but then I remembered that my team still has the most unstoppable force of our
generation wearing black and red: LeBron Raymone James. If you haven’t been watching the NBA for the
past few seasons, I suggest you start now, because you’re about to witness the
most dominant season of one single player since the days of Michael Jordan (and
honestly, he might be better than Jordan in his prime this year. We’ll see.).
Also, Daniel Tosh is a Heat fan, so if that won’t convince you to root
for them, I don’t know what will.
Anyways, since I’m obligated to write about the WNBA by
Title IX, here’s my season recap:
THE MINNESOTA LYNX LOST!!! THE LYNX LOST TO INDIANA!!! SIMEONE AUGUSTUS IS A LESBIAN!!! MOST OF THEIR PLAYERS CAN’T EVEN DUNK!! ENJOY WORKING CONSTRUCTION IN THE
OFFSEASON!! STILL, NOBODY CARES ABOUT
THE WNBA!! WISCONSIN’S JV TEAM WOULD
EASILY WIN THE WOMEN’S WORLD “CHAMPIONSHIP”!!
Whoops. I went a
little bit overboard there. Regardless,
get ready for the LeBroncore this season.
LeBroncore by 23 (muhahaha)
I’m thinking RBs (5-2) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (1-6)
SIDEBAR: For the first time in the long heralded and sought
after “Chode Picks,” experience a pinch writer. That is correct, the great,
great Chode himself deemed it “safe” for an avid fan to give their input this
week. #WITNESS. For all those of you reading right now, you will now refer to
me as The Crowd Pleaser, Lady Teaser, Andrew F. Graves. I will not take too
much space here, but I have to get something out there that I am sure all will
appreciate: Fuck Chicago, and fuck Illinois. After graduating (worst mistake
ever) in May of last year, I regrettably moved to the shitty state to the south
otherwise know as Illinois. As far as I am concerned, even though the Chode
says that Minnesota is the worst state of all, Illinois is Minnesota’s
shithead, ignorant cousin that wont leave you alone on Christmas vacation when
all you want to do is open your presents and drink copious amounts of eggnog.
FUCK ILLINOIS. From my experience, they are not only shitty fans, but they are
the worst type of shitty fans. Let me explain; first of all, they sincerely
believe that Jay “Cunt”ler will actually lead them to Superbowl glory. Please.
It’s hard to hear you with our 13 world championships. Sorry Chicago, not in
this lifetime, probably not in the next either. Second, regardless of if they
are playing fantasy football or betting $500 on the over with their bookie,
they will always root against another team, namely, the 13 time World Champion
Green Bay Packers. Obviously, this can only be chalked up to jealousy…we get
it, your team is not as good, never will be. Sucks to suck. If ever you take a
piece of advice from anyone, this is it: DO NOT LIVE IN CHICAGO. It is a filthy
city filled with dirtier people who have a massive misconception that their
teams and culture are relevant. Never again will I live in a city similar to
Chicago, and forever will I shout at the top of lungs while wearing my Clay
Matthews jersey and flipping the double bird to The Windy City, “The Bears
STILL suck.”
Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 26
Well, it’s 3:00 AM and I’m hammered, so I’ll write the rest
of this tomorrow hopefully.
SATURDAY:
Wow. I have
absolutely no recollection of writing the Chode Picks last night. However, after reviewing the previous few
paragraphs, I decided to leave them as is.
And I have no idea why I thought it was a good idea to let Andy write
for a bit there, but I completely agree with everything he said. Well done.
No Names (5-2) vs Mondolockdown (5-2)
Son of a bitch, I hate Michigan State. I really don’t understand how our offensive
line can look so dominant one week, then absolutely pathetic the next. Well, congratulations assholes, you just got
our starting quarterback knocked out of commission, and it doesn’t look like
he’ll be coming back anytime soon. More
importantly, your ineptitude just snapped our three-year home winning
streak. Tonight marks the first time
since my sophomore year of college that the Wisconsin Badgers have fallen on
the hallowed turf of Camp Randall. But
finally now, it’s clear to me what I have to do: have sex on the field again. Clearly, my protective Patronus charm has
worn off over the past three seasons, and it’s time to re-cast the spell. If any of my female readers would like to aid
me in this noble quest, hit me up on Twitter.
Or Facebook. Or just come find me. It’s not that hard.
No Names by 18
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (6-1) vs Stafford Infection (4-3)
You know, I was going to use this space to tell you about
why the Tigers are going to win the World Series, but then they went and blew
the first two games like a bunch of pansies.
Normally there’s no way I’d root for a Michigan team to win a
professional sports championship, but I really enjoy watching Detroit beat up
on the Twins and White Sox, so I’ve been pulling for them to win the American
League for the past few years. Also, I
still don’t like the Giants since they made Barry Bonds famous.
On an unrelated note, the Oregon Ducks rolled to a 56-point
victory today, but still probably won’t be able to jump over mighty Kansas
State in the BCS standings, which is absolute garbage. If anyone can tell you with a straight face
that they honestly think that the Wildcats are better than the Ducks, just do
them a favor, tie them up and ship their asses to the psych ward. I don’t care if KSU has beaten more ranked
teams, it’s obvious that Oregon is not going to be stopped until possibly the
national championship game. Even then, I
still think they can run past Alabama, and I’m going to keep betting on them
until they prove me wrong. Go Ducks.
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 18
A couple of more thoughts before I finish up:
-
As of today, the NHL lockout has not yet been
resolved, and the majority of the country still doesn’t give a damn. Well done NHL, you were already the
least-popular major sport in America, and you’re really not helping your case
right now.
-
Notre Dame still sucks.
-
It’s becoming more and more obvious every week
that Mike McCarthy simply made a clone of Al Harris and renamed him Davon House.
-
RANDALL COBB WILL RAIN FIRE UPON YOUR VILLAGE!!
- Chode Out.
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