Chode Picks - Week 9

Hello again friends, and welcome back to yet another holiday edition of the Chode Picks.  First and foremost, I’d like to congratulate you all (and myself) for surviving the carnage that was Halloween 2012, and I also wish you the best of luck this weekend, as we approach not one, but two of my favorite holidays.  First and foremost, tomorrow is my birthday.  I appreciate all of you who have already sent gifts, and am eagerly awaiting offerings from the rest of you.  Thanks in advance.  In return, I have decided to grace all of you with an extra hour of partying (if you’re me) or sleeping (if you’re lame) on Saturday night.  That’s right, Daylight Savings Time is back.  You’re welcome.  Spend it wisely, and remember: whatever happens in that extra hour doesn’t count.  Another reason this weekend is awesome is that I’m headed to Green Bay on Sunday to witness the Packers’ continued march to a championship.  The Green and Gold seem to have shaken off their sluggish 2-3 start and despite a mounting list of injuries, have ripped off three straight wins.  Don’t expect it to change this week either.  Even with injuries keeping Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Chuck Woodson, Cedric Benson and Desmond Bishop out of the lineup, we should roll into the bye week with a 6-3 mark, for the following reasons:

-       Green Bay is undefeated in my last 6 trips to Lambeau

-       There’s only one starting quarterback in the league terrible enough to turn Larry Fitzgerald into an afterthought, and his name is John Skelton

-       RANDALL COBB WILL RAIN FIRE UPON YOUR VILLAGE!

In other news, the Chode took the next step forward in his illustrious career this week when I scored my first interview as a sportswriter.  That’s right guys, I’m finally hitting the big time, and I’d like to thank you all for your support along the way.  Someday when I get my big writing contract and start raking in the tens of hundreds of dollars a year, I’ll think of you (let’s all just ignore that my interview is with an English student (who may or may not live with me) and that the only person who will see it is some useless professor).  Yes, I just used double parentheses. 

Chode’s All Stars (3-5) vs Mondolockdown (6-2)

Well, looks like I might be up shit creek without a paddle here, since Brandon went with the brilliant strategy of “start whatever defense is playing against the Chiefs” this week.  To make things worse, commissioner Kenne went ahead and cut the number of playoff teams down to 8 from 12, which puts me on the outside looking in.  Now I know what you’re probably thinking. If I can’t finish in the top 8 of a 12-team league where half of the guys don’t bother to set their starting lineup every week, then I don’t deserve to play for the title.  And you know what? You’re probably right, but I don’t have time for your logic.  Screw fantasy football, and screw this league.

Chode’s All Stars by 270

Woodhead be considered cheating? (4-4) vs Current Black Presidents (4-4)

It’s time to admit it: the dreaded Madden Curse has struck again.  One year after putting up historically great numbers on an elite Detroit offense, Calvin Johnson has dramatically crashed back down to Earth, hauling in just one touchdown pass over the first half of the season, and aggravating a nagging knee injury in last week’s game against Seattle.  Just how famous has the curse gotten?  For the past two seasons Green Bay fans have been actively voting against Aaron Rodgers to grace the Madden cover, just to protect him from the malicious voodoo that radiates from EA Sports’ most famous game.  Fortunately, there’s a simple explanation for the origin of the curse, and it has nothing to do with superstition, magic, or even jolly old John Madden himself.  It’s all about regression.  You see, when a guy ends up on the Madden cover, it’s because he just had a monster breakout season the year before.  Nearly all of these prodigious involve some element of good fortune, which tends to balance itself out as time goes on.  Also, once you have a brilliant season like Megatron did last year, defenses start keying on you and making the rest of your teammates beat them instead.  So when Matt Ryan wins next year’s Madden cover vote and his passer rating promptly falls off a cliff, don’t act surprised.  It’s natural.  Either that or Ethan “Red Beard” Albright wasn’t fucking around.

Woodhead be considered cheating? (of course not) by 19

The Nation of Israel Idonije (1-7) vs I’m thinking RBs (6-2)

Good lord, this is going to be a massacre.  Thanks Will, I can always count on you to make me feel better about my team’s mediocrity.  On a completely unrelated note, is there ANYTHING more irritating than that new Toyota commercial with the fucking Prius jingle?  I had to listen to it EIGHT TIMES during the first half of last night’s Heat-Knicks game.  Now I don’t have anything against hybrids (other than the fact that they’re eerily quiet and there’s no way to drive one without looking like a douchebag), but that commercial makes me want to punt a baby.  Either that or it was watching the Heat play terrible defense and give away a win to those New York assholes.  I suppose that’s what happens when your team wins a championship: you expect to win every single game the next year.  The playoffs can’t get here soon enough.

I’m thinking RBs by 75

End the Obamination, subMitt a vote (3-5) vs No Names (5-3)

Well, I wonder who Jared is voting for?  In all seriousness, this should be one hell of an election, with most national polls split down the middle headed into Tuesday’s showdown.  Just a friendly reminder, remember that politics and Facebook don’t mix, and if your candidate somehow loses, the sun will still come up the next day, and your day-to-day life really won’t change much, if at all.  What you might not know though, is that this election will likely be decided on the turf at Browns Stadium in Cleveland, Ohio.  You see, most pundits agree that the Buckeye state will be they key to putting either candidate over the magical number of 270 electoral votes, and the current polling margin shows a razor-thin advantage for Obama.  However, it’s also been proven that when the home football team in a state loses the week before an election, the line typically swings about 2% away from the incumbent party.  So a loss by the Browns gives Ohio to Romney, while a Cleveland win all but seals the deal for Obama.  So all of you Democrats can sleep soundly tonight, knowing that your president’s fate lies in the capable hands of Brandon Weeden and the Brow… bahahahaha.  Whoops, couldn’t type that sentence with a straight face.  Sorry, Mr President. The Browns are playing the Ravens this week.  You do the math.

End the Obomination, subMitt a vote by 5

Mittens Romney and Paul Ryan by 12 electoral votes

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (1-7) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (7-1)

I really don’t know what to tell you, Nate.  It’s not your fault.  Hell, your players aren’t even bad, they just find a way to score a few less points than whoever you’re playing every week.  Tough shit, dude.  Time to do the manly thing and trade Aaron Rodgers so he can finish the season with a contender.  Don’t worry, I’ll give you Eli in return so nobody calls us out on collusion.  And no, my team isn’t exactly a contender right now, but it will be after you send me Rodgers.  Do the right thing.

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 12

Stafford Infection (4-4) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (4-4)

I’m not gonna lie, it feels really weird writing the Picks on a Saturday afternoon without being under the influence of alcohol or Stacon.  Unfortunately, in addition to Daylight Savings Time, this weekend is also the Badgers’ bye week, which comes around once every fall and robs us of our usual gameday festivities.  It’s a shame.  However, the upside to following a loss with a bye week is that ticket prices for the Ohio State game have dropped from the $100-$120 range to somewhere around $70-$80.  For a night game against the Buckeyes (hoping it’s a night game anyways), that’s a steal.  Maybe today I’ll just pregame for the Oregon-USC and Alabama-LSU games instead.  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  Go Ducks and Geaux Tigers. 

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 8

Oregon by 17

Alabama by 10

LESS-IMPORTANT FANTASY LEAGUE STANDINGS:

Legends Division:

He’s Fancy, I’m a Douche (7-1)

My Puny Man-thing (5-3)

Poopy Balls (4-4)

Victorious Hymen (4-4)

Touchdown His Pants (4-4)

Garrison Is Gay With Clay (4-4)

Leaders Division:

Squirts DownMyLeg (5-3)

Fuck It!  We’ll Do It Limp(4-4)

Team Scrotum (4-4)

Montee’s Balls In My Face (3-5)

Mrs. Rodgers Neighborhood Is Not Mifflin (3-5)

Fuck Charter (1-7)

As you can see, we’ve got a bit of a logjam in the Legends division at 4-4.  I really don’t like my chances of rising above it either, since apparently nobody in this league wants to take Larry Fitzgerald off of my hands for a decent RB.  Hell, I’ll even throw in Reggie Bush or Darren Sproles, too.  Make me an offer.  But for the love of God, don’t act like Jonathan Dwyer or Danny Woodhead is a “decent RB”.  I’m not an idiot.

Notre Dame is losing to Pittsburgh right now, that’s always fun.

Congratulations to the North Dakota Fighting Racists on defeating Southern Utah on Senior Day in Grand Forks.  At 5-5, the Stereotypes have one more game against Northern Colorado that will determine whether they finish with an embarrassing record of 5-6, or a slightly less humiliating mark of 6-5.  GOOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!  In the meantime, wrap your mind around this:

Wisconsin beats Utah State by 2

Utah State beats New Mexico State by 34

New Mexico State beats Sacramento State by 30

Sacramento State beats Cal Poly by 6

Cal Poly beats North Dakota by 18

Therefore, the Wisconsin Badgers beat the North Dakota Guilt Trip by 90.

Once again, I’d like to apologize in advance for next week’s shortened version of the picks, since I’ll be studying for my next round of exams.  Hey, nobody ever said it was going to be easy.  Otherwise, we’d call it law school.

- Chode Out.