Here we go again.
Welcome back readers, to the second annual Big Ten Championship Edition
of the Chode Picks!! It’s been about a
week since we’ve last meet, and I somehow managed to survive the tedious ordeal
that was Thanksgiving break in Menomonie.
First and foremost, I want to preview the colossal showdown that will
determine the Big Ten’s fate in January this year, so without further ado…
BADGERS!
CORNHUSKERS! MONTEE BALL, CURT
PHILLIPS, REX BURKHEAD TAYLOR MARTINEZ AND A BUNCH OF UGLY WHITE OFFENSIVE
LINEMEN!! That’s right, we’re less than
24 hours from the start of the 2012 Big Ten Championship game, brought to you
by Dr. Pepper. This year’s title tilt
features 12th-ranked, 10-2 Nebraska against unranked, 7-5, barely
bowl-eligible Wisconsin facing off in Indianapolis with a trip to the Rose Bowl
on the line. Now I realize that any
sane, rational Badger fan probably wouldn’t be optimistic about our chances
against the heavily favored Huskers tomorrow, but you’ve probably been reading
for long enough to know that I’ve already convinced myself that this season
will end with nothing less than a third consecutive Big Ten championship for my
alma mater. Honestly, I think Bret
Bielema has done a brilliant job of sandbagging the regular season, only doing
enough to get us a trip to the title game, only to unleash the full power of
the Wisconsin football machine upon the hapless Nebraskans. So yeah, I’m picking the Badgers to take home
the hardware, and to be honest, I don’t think it will be close either. Also, I think it would be hilariously awesome
if we finally won the Rose Bowl this season with five losses and no national
ranking. And since student tickets are
only $40 apiece and Indianapolis is a mere 6 hours away, I really can’t afford
not to make the trip. With two of the
most passionate college fan bases in the country confined in a half-mile radius
surrounding LucasOil Field, it should be a damn good weekend. Consider this my substitute for the Rose Bowl
this season, although I reserve the right to change my mind about going to
Pasadena again if (when) the Badgers win.
Wisconsin by 13
Also, Camp Randall’s Jump Around was voted as the best
tradition in college football by Sports Illustrated this week, so that’s
awesome.
On a more somber note, the Green Bay Packers dropped to 7-4
last Sunday night after getting demolished by the New York Fucking Giants. After the past few seasons, I didn’t think it
was possible for me to despise a sports team more than the Chicago Bears, but
Eli and his band of jackasses are making me think twice. I hate to admit it, but it really seems like
the Giants have the Packers’ number.
Their combination of relentless pass-rush and solid zone coverage gives
our offense fits, and without Clay Matthews in the lineup, we just can’t seem
to put any sort of pressure on Eli Manning.
Also, I don’t know who that mustachioed impostor was on Sunday Night
doing a poor Aaron Rodgers impersonation, but I’m counting my lucky stars that
December starts tomorrow and he’ll finally be able to remove that damn
caterpillar from his upper lip and torch that inferior team from Minnesota on
Sunday.
Chode’s All Stars (3-9) vs Current Black Presidents (7-5)
I. Give. Up. I
have now wasted nearly seven seasons attempting and failing miserably to win a
fantasy football title. My best finish
since 2006? Third place. Third fucking place. And that was when I played in an 8-team
league. Now most of you know me pretty
well, so you’re well aware that I’m a brilliant, motivated and talented
individual, but there are times when even I have to admit defeat. You win, fantasy football. I’m simply no match for your week-to-week
challenges. I’m about to lose to a team
quarterbacked by Carson Palmer’s corpse.
And to be completely honest, I really don’t care anymore. I place my sports happiness in the Packers,
Badgers, Heat and Brewers, and the only time I gain any satisfaction from
fantasy sports is when I can knock off one of you other assholes. So I propose that we disband the league and
start over with fantasy basketball. Or a
March Madness bracket challenge. I’m
good at those.
Current Black Presidents by 20
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-2) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks
(6-6)
Booooooooooooooo.
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 8
No Names (6-6) vs Stafford Infection (5-7)
In other college football news, a lesser conference from the
Southeast will be holding their championship game as well tomorrow when the #2
Alabama Crimson Tide face off against the #3 Georgia Bulldogs for the right to
steamroll Notre Dame in the BCS championship game. Personally, I’ll be pulling for the Bulldogs
because just the thought of watching an Alabama-Notre Dame title game makes me
want to strangle an orphan. Mostly
because I can’t stand watching the SEC win yet another national championship
after they seemed dead in the water a month ago, but also because it forces me
to root for the Fighting Irish. How
about that for a racist mascot, by the way?
How is that any less offensive than “Fighting Sioux”? When I hear the
term “fighting Irish”, I think of a bunch of obese, redheaded forty-year old
men beating the shit out of each other over a soccer match. It’s about damn time Jack Swarbrick and the
rest of the Notre Dame athletic administration showed some balls and changed
the name. How about the Notre Dame Patriots,
or the Notre Dame Saints? Hell, they
could even go way out there and pick the Notre Dame Ninjas. One of you liberal bastards ought to be on
this already.
No Names by 0.07
I’m thinking RBs (7-4) vs Mondolockdown (9-3)
Actual quote from my roommates last night: “Wait, are the
Heat playing the Saints tonight?”
No. No, they’re not, Katie. Believe it or not, the SA stands for “San
Antonio”, not “SAints”. By the way,
thank you Greg Popovich for deciding to send your four best players home yesterday
for rest. After the horrible game that
all of the Heat role players played tonight (everyone not named “LeBron”,
Chris” or Ray”, yes that includes you, Dwyane), they would have lost by 30 to
the actual Spurs. Fortunately though,
San Antonio decided to hold Senior Skip Day in Miami, which allowed Spoelstra’s
crew to hang on for a close victory over San Antonio’s B-team. I’m gonna be honest: even though we’re only
14 games in, the Heat’s (lack of) defense scares the hell out of me. Fortunately, we still have LeBron James. And just for fun, I’d like to point out that
Miami is now 6-0 in games decided by 6 points or less. So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you the most clutch team in the NBA: the Miami Heat!! Also Brandon, I hate to rain on your parade,
but despite your recent delusions of grandeur, you’re not winning the league
this year. My guess is you’ll come
tantalizingly close, making the semifinals or even the championship round, but
then the Broncos will rest Manning for the playoffs and your supporting cast
will go down in flames. All that effort
for nothing. Best of luck anyways.
Mondolockdown by 1848
Roddy White Suburban (7-5) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (3-9)
So this is how bad it’s gotten: I now have the same record
as Nate. Shit. Since that’s embarrassing, I’m gonna take a
moment to write about Penn State head coach Bill O’Brien instead. Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty damn
impressed with the job he did this season in guiding the Nittany Liars to eight wins this season. It takes a hell of a man to rebuild a program
that collapsed so spectacularly under the weight of Joe Paterno’s legend and
Jerry Sandusky’s genitals, especially after starting the season 0-2. And it’s going to take an even better effort by
his successor after O’Brien bolts for a head coaching job with the Eagles,
Chiefs, Jaguars or Cowboys next season.
Can’t blame him. After all, I was
always in favor of giving Penn State the death penalty, which the NCAA somehow
avoided by stating that their authority only extended to “matters of
competitive balance and fairness”.
Really? Well shoot. Maybe next time you can revise your criteria
to include a provision that takes “creepy old men anally raping young boys on
university property” into consideration.
Or not. Just my two cents.
Roddy White Suburban by $0.02
The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-10) vs Dalton’s Red Zone
(7-5)
In case you didn’t get a chance to catch the ACC/Big Ten
Challenge this week, it ended in the first tie in the history of the
event. Somehow, the heavily favored Big
Ten managed to piss away games against Miami, Boston College and Virginia and
waste what should have been an easy victory for the deepest conference in the
country. Unfortunately, there’s only one
man to blame for this travesty: Bo Ryan.
To put it simply, the Wisconsin Men’s basketball team sucks balls this
year. We’re too slow to create open
shots, nobody can get to the rim, and our leading rebounder is a 6-foot tall
white shooting guard. We’re just not
going to win a whole lot of games with Ben Brust as our only reliable scoring
option, and it doesn’t look like Sam Dekker is coming along fast enough to drag
us out of this mess. It’s going to be a
long season. I’ll consider it a success
if we can somehow keep our NCAA tournament streak of 14 years (fourth longest
in the country, by the way) intact. But
don’t hold your breath.
Dalton’s Red Zone by 1
Another brilliant quote from my other roommate yesterday: “I
think I still have a lot to learn about football. I mean, I know which one is the quarterback,
but I still couldn’t tell you which one is the wide end.” Yup.
This is the same one who gleefully texts me after every Packer loss,
completely unaware of the fact that the Vikings usually also got their asses
kicked on the same day. Ignorance is
bliss, I guess. But in all seriousness
friend, listen up. I’m only going to
type this once. Your team is shit, they
will always be shit, and their lives have less value due to the simple fact
that they live on the wrong side of the Mississippi River. Also, I let a large spider loose in your
room.
Hey did you know that the Mayan calendar ends in three weeks? You do now. I remember the first time I heard about the
whole 2012 apocalypse conspiracy back in my senior year of high school, and I
recall thinking to myself “that is absolutely the stupidest shit I’ve ever
heard”. Four years later, it still hasn’t
changed. Maybe if the Mayans hadn’t
spent so much time predicting the end of the world they could have focused more
on avoiding smallpox and being enslaved by the Spanish. Live and learn, I guess.
Until next time…
-Chode Out.
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