Hello all, and welcome to a very special Thanksgiving
edition of the Chode Picks. Coming to
you from Menomonie, Wisconsin (recently named the 15th best small
town in America by the Smithsonian Institute), I’m back to fulfill your need
for all things sports related on the start of the 2012 holiday season. First off, in keeping with holiday tradition,
I’d like to tell you all about the things that I’m thankful for this holiday
season. In no particular order:
-
I’m thankful that I only have to spend two more
full days in Menomonie. I’m not sure who
was in charge of putting together the Smithsonian small town rankings that put
Menomonie at number 15, but I think it’s safe to say that they’ve never spent
more than a day in this city. I probably
shouldn’t be so hard on my hometown because after all, I grew up here and I
turned out to be pretty damn awesome, but it seems like every time I come back,
I’m ready to leave again after 24 hours.
-
I’m thankful for the ridiculously large bottle
of wine that my dear mother instructed me to finish this evening before I
started writing, mostly so she could etch it into another one of her art
projects. Seriously mom, I appreciate
your creativity, but not every glass object in the house needs to have “Quilling”
or some weird Chinese symbol etched onto it.
Nobody in our family speaks a word of Chinese anyways. Also, we’re white. About as white as it gets, apart from the
gorgeous tan that I usually acquire over the summer months.
-
I’m thankful that the Penn State Nittany Lions
and Ohio State Buckeyes are on probation this fall, because there’s no way in
hell the Badgers would have been able to make the Big Ten Championship game
otherwise. So thank you Jim Tressell and
Jerry Sandusky, for letting me take a trip to Indianapolis in two weeks. And if we find a way to get past Nebraska,
I’ll be thankful for the first unranked team in decades to make the Rose Bowl.
-
I’m thankful that Mark Sanchez isn’t our
quarterback.
-
I’m thankful for Gary Bettman, the one man dense
enough to destroy a professional sports league in America, robbing Minnesota of
their only source of hope in the process.
Well done, sir.
-
I’m thankful that Disney has taken over Star
Wars from George Lucas, if only because it became pretty clear in Episodes I,
II and III that the old man had lost his damn mind. It was a lot like watching Al Davis during
his last few years with the Raiders, except I’m pretty sure that Anakin
Skywalker could have thrown a better spiral than JaMarcus Russell. Anyways, if the three upcoming movies hold
true to the accepted Star Wars canon, Episode VII should be about the New
Republic’s liberation of Borleais, followed by the Battle of Coruscant in
Episode VIII, and finally Rogue Squadron’s emancipation of Thyferra from
Empress Ysanne Isard in Episode IX.
Don’t let me down, Disney. And
yes, you were all just on the receiving end of my glorious nerd-gasm. I’ll give you a moment to clean yourself
up. You’re welcome.
-
I’m thankful for the first snowfall of the
season. Just kidding. I fucking hate snow. I’ve lived in Wisconsin my entire life, and I
don’t ski, snowboard, snowshoe or do anything that gives me a use for this
miserable white crap that covers the ground for half the year. Don’t get me wrong, I love my state and I
appreciate the seasons, I just want to live in a place that skips over the
shitty ones.
-
Lastly, I’m thankful for all of my readers. More specifically, I’m thankful for the
eighteen devoted souls who actually read last week’s edition. Yes, that’s right. Only 18 out of the 63 people in the Chode
Picks group felt it was worth their time to take five minutes and read what I
thought was one of the best editions I’ve ever produced. Come on guys, throw me a fucking bone
here. If I’m going to take a few hours
out of my week to write four pages of bullshit, I’d appreciate it if at least
half of you followed along. Otherwise,
it’s just embarrassing. I even thought
about posting my blog on Facebook’s news feed just to get a few more readers,
but I decided that I’m not quite arrogant enough to think that all 800 of my
friends need to read my garbage. Also, I
think a lot of them would judge me.
Chode’s All Stars (3-8) vs No
Names (5-6)
One thing I’m not thankful for at
all: my fantasy football team. More
specifically, Elisha Nelson Manning.
He’s done this to me two seasons in a row now. He plays shitty all season long and torpedoes
my team, then turns it on in the playoffs when I can’t benefit from him. What an asshole. I’ll feel better after Casey Hayward and
company kick his ass on Sunday. As for
this week, I’m starting Colin Kaepernick instead out of respect for what he did
to the Bears on Monday night.
Chode’s All Stars by 2 (cities
that I’m going to burn down if Eli beats the Packers)
Current Black Presidents (7-4) vs
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (9-2)
Ugh. In case you weren’t paying attention, RG3
went off again for 37 points today. This
is getting ridiculous. Rookies aren’t
supposed to be this good. He’s like
Michael Vick in his prime, only much, much more accurate. Fortunately though, the Vikings were dumb
enough to win one game too many last season and miss out on the chance to turn
their franchise around by drafting him.
Of the 12 guys in our fantasy league, 11 of us now feel like idiots for
not grabbing him in the late rounds of our fantasy draft. Regardless, I’m not making the same mistake
with Geno Smith and Kansas City next year.
I’m calling dibs right now. Geno
is mine, you guys hear me?
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 11
(dudes that I will stab if I don’t get Smith in next year’s draft)
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (5-6) vs
I’m thinking RBs (7-4)
Alright, time for a more positive
subject: med school! As I told you a
couple of weeks ago, I recently had a brutal stretch of five exams in three
days. Afterwards, I decided to reward
myself with one of my patented drinking sprees over the next week or so. Following a few days’ worth of celebrations,
I felt guilty about my lack of productivity, so I decided to check my exam
scores online to either make myself feel better or provide motivation to get my
ass back in gear. Much to my surprise,
it turns out I did very, very well on this set of exams too. Feeling secure with this knowledge, I decided
to start my Thanksgiving break two days early by having one of those nights
where I take way too many shots, yell at strangers on State Street, wake up in
strange places and miss all of my classes the next day. Naturally, after shaking off the hangover I
turned around and did the same thing the following night, leading to a
semester-high streak of 9 days of drinking, which I should be able to stretch
to 12 by the end of this weekend. That
might not seem like much to you, but you have to believe me when I say that I’m
pretty damn proud of myself. Hooray for
beer, poor decisions and a state that celebrates them both. On Wisconsin.
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 12
Stafford Infection (5-6) vs Roddy
White Suburban (6-5)
Hmm. I hate to admit it, but the Lions really got
screwed today. Not quite Packers-Seahawks
screwed, but the refs still missed an easy call that would have taken away a
Houston touchdown, then called a 15-yard penalty on Jim Schwartz for throwing a
challenge flag, since all scoring plays are reviewed by the booth automatically
(Unless of course, you throw the red flag.
Then apparently they rule against you, take away your challenge, move
you back 15 yards, steal your car and bang your wife). Tough break, Detroit. In other NFC North news, Green Bay coach Mike
McCarthy has stated that he’ll stand by beleaguered kicker Mason Crosby,
despite the fact that right now Crosby couldn’t hit shit if he fell into a
cesspool. Also, I feel like now is a
good time to point out that Nate Kaeding, one of the most accurate kickers in
NFL history, is currently on waivers.
Speaking of guys who need to be
fired, Chiefs coach Romeo Crennell announced this week that Brady Quinn will
start in place of Matt Cassell, which means that Kansas City has officially
started tanking for the #1 pick in June.
I suppose you could make the argument that Quinn might be able to inject
some life into a stagnant offense, but I’d counter that Quinn is marginally
better than Cassell in the same way that a condom full of fire ants is
marginally better than castration in terms of contraception.
Mondolockdown (8-3) vs The Nation
of Israel Idonije (2-9)
Big Ten update! The Greatest Conference of All Time added two
new members this week in Maryland and Rutgers, looking to expand into the
lucrative east coast TV markets. That must
be the reason anyways, because there’s no way this moves makes the conference
better at sports or academics. Either
that or commissioner Jim Delany thinks college football is a giant game of
Risk, and will soon be adding North Dakota, Montana and Washington to fulfill
the Big Ten’s manifest destiny of stretching from coast to coast. Regardless, both Maryland and Rutgers will be
added to Wisconsin’s division, as Illinois crosses over to the other. So in essence, we traded one shitty team for
two, which doesn’t really affect our conference title hopes from year to
year. Meh. In other Big Ten football news, Minnesota’s
leading receiver AJ Barker quit the team last week citing abusive treatment
from head coach Jerry Kill. Normally
this is where I’d invite Barker to come down to Madison and play for a winning
team, but after reading more about the story and looking up Barker’s Twitter
profile, I’ve come to the conclusion that the kid is kind of a whiny
bitch. No thank you AJ, stay away from
my team.
Mondolockdown by 23
Red Hot Chodey Peppers (3-8) vs
Dalton’s Red Zone (6-5)
Every now and then in the course
of human history, God looks down from upon his mighty throne, points his finger
at a small child and declares, “this one shall have balls carved out of fucking
granite”. Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you the early leader for Chode’s Athlete of the Year Award: Jack
Taylor of Grinnell College. Located in
small-town Iowa, Grinnell is home to a private liberal arts college that can
now call itself home to a basketball player who shattered the national record
by scoring 138 (ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT!!) points in a 40-minute
basketball game. Taking 108 shots at an
absurd 66% true shooting percentage, Sir Jack led his team to a 178-104 win
over Faith Baptist College on Tuesday night.
Insane. That’s the kind of stat
line I’d expect to see from Kevin Durant playing against a bunch of middle
schoolers, not from a 5’ 10” white dude from Black River Falls. Damn.
Dalton’s Red Zone by 138
Congratulations to the Stanford
Cardinal on upsetting the #2 ranked Oregon Ducks last week, setting up what
will probably be the most lopsided national championship game in recent memory
between Notre Damn and Alabama. Damn it
Oregon, all you had to do was win out to keep the SEC from extending their
streak to 7 BCS titles in a row. And now
Ohio State will end up as the only undefeated team in the country, and we’ll
have to listen to them talk about how they could have totally beaten the
Crimson Tide if it weren’t for the bowl ban.
Bullshit. On the bright side
though, this means the Badgers have a slim chance of playing Stanford or UCLA
in the Rose Bowl if everything breaks right.
Both of those teams are beatable.
On the other hand, if we get Oregon again, we’re losing by 50.
More congratulations to Baylor’s
Brittney Griner on the 8th dunk of her college career last week,
which apparently is a big deal if you’re a women’s basketball player. Way to go, Brittney. Blake Griffin gets 8 dunks literally every
day of his life.
- Chode Out.
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