Chode Picks – Week 11

Welcome back friends, family, followers and internet stalkers, to the 11^th edition in the seventh season of humanity’s greatest achievement to date, the one and only CHODE PICKS!!  Coming to you from ground zero of the college football landscape, the Picks are back after a week-long hiatus to prepare you for the last great weekend of the year.  First and foremost…

BADGER FOOTBALL!!  That’s right, the unranked, 7-3 Wisconsin Badgers play host to the undefeated Ohio State Buckeyes tomorrow afternoon in the latest contest of what has become one of the most heated rivalries in the nation over the past decade.  Wisconsin, having already locked up a trip to the Big Ten Championship game, will be looking to spoil Ohio State’s undefeated season and knock them out of the national title hunt… whoops, sorry about that.  What I meant to say is that despite the Buckeyes’ superior record this season, the Badgers have already won due to their ability to win games without being a bunch of cheating assholes.  That’s right, Ohio.  Fuck your Buckeyes, Browns, Bengals, Indians and Cavaliers.  Hey, speaking of disappointment…

SHITTY MOVIES!!  The fourth installment of the Twilight series comes out this week.  The only reason I bring this up is to point out that over the past three years or so, while the rest of the world was going nuts over shirtless vampires, werewolves and whatever the hell else goes on in those stupid movies, I managed to avoid learning anything about the franchise.  Literally the only things I’ve gathered is that there are two terrible actors named Jacob and Edward who fight each other over some pale, skinny whore.  Also, it’s been proven that if you watch all four movies in a row you’ll cut your body’s natural testosterone production in half.  The lesson as always: kids are idiots.   Go watch Skyfall instead.  Hey speaking of things that aren’t worth watching…

KITTENS!!  Yup.  I know earlier this fall I told you all about how I was adjusting to being the only male in the household this semester, but I feel like you all should know that no less than twice this week, I’ve come home to one of my roommates watching a live stream of kittens or puppies online.  Seriously?  This is what you do with your free time!?!?  You have nothing better to do than watch small animals stumble around and shit themselves all day!?!?  Ridiculous.  I continue to lose faith in humanity every day.  Sadly, there’s only one way to cure our society’s cat-obsessed ADHD: get rid of all of the kittens.  Or at least put them all in zoos.  Then when the droves of morons all flood to the cages to see them, we can do the world a favor by disposing of them all efficiently in a terrifying display of power and masculinity.  ‘Merica!

Chode’s All Stars (3-7) vs Roddy White Suburban (5-5)

Son of a bitch.  I think it’s finally time for me to admit something that I’ve been hiding for a long time: I suck at fantasy football.  And as long as I’m making confessions, I might as well tell you all that the unthinkable finally happened two weeks ago: I lost at Super Smash Brothers.  Please, try to contain your shock and disappointment.  After an unprecedented winning streak of nearly two years, I finally found an opponent who was just straight-up better than me.  I’m not even going to pretend that it was a close game, because I struggled to get even a single kill.  It was a true raping.  Just like what I’m going to do to Dan’s team this week.  See the attached video for further demonstration.  Also, props for the team name.  Doesn’t matter that you, me, Jared and Levi are the only ones who understand the significance of the White Suburban.  But in all seriousness, I’m going to rape you this week.

Chode’s All Stars by 400

No Names (5-5) vs Current Black Presidents (6-4)

So I’m watching the Friday night Badger-Gopher hockey game right now, which is tied at 2 in the third period in spite of rampant cheating on the part of Minnesota.  I’ve had the unfortunate experience of watching the Wisconsin defenders lay vicious-yet-legal hits on the weak-assed Minnesotans, only to see them draw dubious penalties that have allowed the Gophers to stay in the game.  Garbage.  I can’t be too upset about it though, since nobody really cares about hockey now that the NHL doesn’t exist anymore.  Thank you Gary Bettman, for robbing the mud-ducks of the one source of pride in their miserable existence. 

And that is the very last time I will write about hockey this year (crossing fingers).

No Names by 6

I’m thinking RBs (7-3) vs RG3 – ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (8-2)

YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!  DAVE FINALLY LOST!!!! AND NOT ONLY DID HE LOSE, BUT HE LOST TO THE WORST DAMN TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!!!!!  WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? DOES IT MEAN I WAS RIGHT ABOUT GRIFFIN?? YES! YES! YES IT DOES!!!  Whew.  Alright.  Sorry man, had to do it.  And as long as you’re your current losing streak, I can’t pick you again until you prove me wrong.  I never believed in that Doug Martin guy anyways.

I’m thinking RBs by my MCAT score.

Also, the Knicks lost tonight.  About damn time.  I hope you enjoyed your moment in the sun New York, because it won’t be long before Amar’e comes back and you come back down to Earth as first-round fodder in the Eastern Conference.  #LeBroncore2012.

The Nation of Israel Idonije (2-8) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (6-4)

There’s just one more reason why this week has been awesome.  Quick! Name the Bears’ 49ers’ and Eagles’ starting quarterbacks this week!  I’ll save you some time: Jason Campbell, Colin Kaepernick and Nick Foles.  They’re all career backups, and none of them are fit to carry Aaron Rodgers’s jockstrap.  And that friends, is why the Green Bay Packers still own the National Football Conference.  If you don’t believe me now, you will in January, because Jay Cutler now has had exactly one concussion for every testicle that me, Kenne Koehler, Cody Stanton and Lance Armstrong have in our pants.  Don’t get me wrong, concussions are no laughing matter.  Unless of course, they happen to the Bears.  Then they’re hilarious.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven (SEVEN!!) concussions.  Do yourself a favor and hang it up Jay.  Trust me, I’m almost a doctor.

Dalton’s Red Zone (5-5) vs Stafford Infection (5-5)

Leave it to the ginger to make a joke about Andy Dalton’s disability.  Not cool man, not cool at all.  There are approximately 30 million people affected by gingervitus in the United States, and my heart goes out to each and every one of them.  It’s not your fault that God chose not to bless you with impeccable good looks like he did for me.  In fact, I feel obligated to inform all of you that you should go ahead and get an NFL Network subscription, along with their RedZone option, only because ten percent of the profits go towards finding a cure for this debilitating disease.  Someday we’ll find a cure. 

Dalton’s Red Zone by 13

Red Hot Chodey Peppers (2-8) vs Mondolockdown (8-2)

I would feel remiss this week if I didn’t write about the earth-shaking college football upset that occurred last Saturday while I was locked in the Chamber of Secrets studying my life away.  I hope you all watched as “Johnny Football” and the Texas A&M Aggies knocked off the defending champion Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa.  As much as I enjoyed watching Nick Saban’s crew go down in flames, I have to admit that it sincerely annoyed me when I found out that Johnny Manziel’s family attempted to trademark the nickname “Johnny Football” after the victory.  First of all, the kid is nineteen years old.  You don’t get to claim fame to a very common first name after just one season.  Secondly, the name “Jonny Football” has already been bestowed upon another great athlete in our lifetime.  His name is Jon Heimler, and he’s about to wrap up his illustrious career with a victory over Northern Colorado as the North Dakota Casino Wranglers finish a historic 6-5 season.  So from this point on, John Manziel will be referred to simply as “Johnny Capitalism” by the Chode Picks.  Also, congratulations on getting into medical school, Jon.  I know you’re a bit too humble to do what everyone else does and post a gloating Facebook status about it, so I’ll go ahead and blow your horn anyways.  No homo.

Mondolockdown by 80

Random thoughts before I post the Chode Picks and go to sleep on this fantastic Friday night:

-       Aaron Rodgers is engaged.  I had to save this for the end because I know that all of my female readers just gave up on life.

-       Casey Hayward eats lightning and shits thunder.

-       After exams wrapped up this week, the administration at the UW Medical School decided it would be a good idea to hold a mandatory “poverty simulation” at 7:45 AM the next day.  While this may have been a good idea for getting privileged medical students to appreciate what it’s like to seek out heathcare in the United States when you’re too poor to buy groceries, it was the absolute worst decision when you force me to come to school after a night of excessive libations and expect me to act mature about it.  Make no mistake. I won the “poverty simulation”.  Mostly by robbing my fellow classmates with a squirt gun, which left me with fat stacks of cash, and everyone else sick, poor and hungover as shit.  Chode 1, Med School 0.  The biggest lesson I learned: don’t be poor.

-       Hello! I've just now made your acquaintance, and it is agreeably unpsychologically balanced, but here are the digits to reach my estate, call upon me perhaps?

-       If you’re in Madison today, there is absolutely no excuse for not making it to the greatest pregame party in the country tomorrow morning.  1206 Bowen Court.  Beer, drinking games, beautiful women, Q-Bombs, and a whopping EIGHT POUNDS OF STACON!!!  See you all in six hours.

- Chode Out.