Chode Picks - Week 10

FRIDAY:

Gentlemen, these are dark times.  It’s officially the worst week of the season.  You know what I’m talking about.  The one weekend every fall where we’re deprived of the glorious green and gold scoring orgy known as the Green Bay Packers.  Yes, the bye week has returned, and I don’t know if I can put into words the emptiness that I feel inside.  To make matters worse, I have no less than FIVE exams in three days starting on Monday.  So here I sit on a Friday night, mostly sober, writing the Chode Picks because I can’t bring myself to read another page of immunology.  Even more depressing than that, the rest of campus apparently didn’t get the memo that I have to study this weekend, so I’ve been forced to endure the sights and sounds of the greatest party school in the country passing by just outside my window all night.  Loud music, the sweet sound of freshly opened beers, girls in stripper heels and miniskirts… it’s enough to drive a man insane.  Damn you, Dean Golden.  Damn you for insisting that I get a real education before I can cut people open.  It’s just not fair.  My only solace is that Curt Phillips and my beloved Badgers are incredibly still playing for a spot in the Big Ten Championship game tomorrow against the Indiana Hoosiers.  Apparently, Coach Bielema finally took my advice to heart (screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT PHILLIPS IN!” from the stands all season) and decided to give our fifth-year senior with two broken ACLs a chance to lead the Wisconsin offense.  It’s about damn time.  I don’t care if Phillips is a less athletic version of Tim Tebow, the man has some guts, and he deserves a shot to bring us back to Pasadena.  Just run the fucking Wildcat for all I care.  Everyone knows we can’t throw the ball anyways.  Anyways, that’s enough depressing news for one week, time for some silver linings.

First of all, I’d like to proudly point out that the Green Bay Packers have now won SEVEN games in a row at home when the Chode has been in attendance.  And make no mistake, this was no ordinary trip to Lambeau.  You see, one of my friends had the brilliant idea of renting a party bus from Madison to Green Bay last Sunday, which turned a typical Packer gameday into the greatest party your favorite writer has seen since the illustrious summer of 2012.  It.  Was.  Awesome.  I don’t think I can even put into words how much fun I had last Sunday, so I’ll just tell you that even after the bus broke down outside of Beaver Dam and we had to wait for an hour for another to come pick us up (resulting in me missing the first quarter), it was without a doubt the most fun I’ve ever had at a professional football game.  In fact, I’ve decided that it would be irresponsible of me not to plan a similar trip next season, so let me know if you’re interested in tagging along.  You won’t regret it.

Also, count me as a fan of the new renovations at Lambeau Field.  After using the shareholders’ hard-earned money to enclose the upper bowl of the stadium, I can confidently say that it was worth every penny they extracted from us.  It really does trap in the sound.  Even better, our seats now have a ledge over them, which keeps the freezing wind and rain away so I can focus on the game instead of how bitter upper Wisconsin is in November.

In other great sporting news this week, the Wisconsin Men’s basketball team finished off their preseason schedule with a 96-54 massacre of UW-Oshkosh on Wednesday night.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A 52-point margin of victory.  Fifty-two.  From the Wisconsin “hold the ball until the very last second and then shoot” Badgers.  I’m not sure if that says more about how good the Badgers are or how terrible Oshkosh is, but it’s still pretty damn impressive.  Mark my words, Wisconsin is going to light up the scoreboard this year in the Big Ten.  In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and even say that they’ll make their first Final Four since 2000 now that Jordan Taylor is gone.  Thank God.  I hated watching that guy.  Probably because he’s so damn ugly.  Or maybe it’s because he would routinely steal girls away from me at campus bars.  Whatever.  Enjoy your professional career and the millions of dollars that come with it, JT.  I’m still here, studying myself smart and drinking myself stupid.  I think we both know who came out ahead.

Chode’s All Stars (3-6) vs I am Default (4-5)

I.  Am.  Default.  Well done, Jared.  It doesn’t matter that only three or four of the people reading this know the spirit behind it, I still appreciate an inside joke from sophomore year of high school.  In fact, I feel like I should share with you my own running joke that I’ve been enjoying for the past few weeks.  It’s called “hide a large purple dildo on my roommate”.  Yes, that’s right Sobes.  I took your favorite toy and put it in a place where it will turn up at a very inopportune moment.  Consider yourself warned. 

Chode’s All Stars by 6 or 7.

SATURDAY:

Current Black Presidents (5-4) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-2)

Well, since the Packers aren’t playing and I don’t feel like writing about fantasy football right now, I’m going to tell you about my latest ingenious idea.  It came to me on Thursday when I was sitting in the library studying histology slides.  Now, the library at the medical school has projector screens set up in study rooms specifically for this purpose, which you can hook your laptop up to for a bigger, higher-quality image.  Up until this point, I had never taken advantage of this feature because to be honest, putting a million pictures of liver cells on a bigger screen doesn’t make me want to look at them any more.  However, I do have a subscription to NBA League Pass on my computer, and If there’s anything I love more than watching the Heat dominate on my laptop, it’s seeing LeBron, Wade, Bosh and Ray win in HD on a widescreen.  So for the next five days, in between diagramming gluconeogenesis pathways and memorizing the symptoms of mitochondrial diseases, I’ll be watching Dwyane’s World on the projector screen in Ebling Library.  Winning.

I’m thinking RBs by 34

No Names (5-4) vs Woodhead be considered cheating? (4-5)

Well, looks like the Wisconsin offense has continued its Jekyll and Hyde act in Indiana this week, bouncing back from an awful performance against Michigan State to dominate the Hoosiers (what the fuck is a Hoosier?).  All that’s left now is a home game against Ohio State and a road contest at Penn Rape to close out the regular season.  And all that stands between Ohio State and an undefeated season is a trip to Camp Randall next Saturday afternoon.  Either the Badgers will find a way to pull the upset and send Madison into a frenzy, or the Buckeyes will finish off the greatest season ever that didn’t count.  Either way, it’s gonna be a great day, especially since its the last home game of the season, which means its also the last hurrah for pregame parties and Stacon at 1206 Bowen.  Get here.

Woodhead be considered cheating? by 25

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (8-1) vs The Nation of Israel Idonije (1-8)

Son of a bitch.  Griffin and Jordy Nelson are finally on a bye week, and then the Colt’s defense goes ahead and rings up 25 points to give Dave a huge lead anyways.  Not only that, he’s playing the worst team in the league.  Bullshit.  This league is rigged.  I want my money back.

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 23

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (4-5) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (1-8)

Congratulations Nate Kalscheur, on becoming the first person in the league to be mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 60

Stafford Infection (5-4) vs Mondolockdown (7-2)

Haha.  Touchdown Badgers.  That makes for seven (SEVEN!) rushing touchdowns on the day.  Also, we just broke the school record for rushing yards.  At Wisconsin.  Think about that for a minute.  I guess it helps that we’ve got a glorified running back under center.  I’m sure Urban Meyer and company are absolutely terrified right now.  Also, now that the Packers have passed up the Vikings in the NFC North standings, I’d like to point out that while the Badgers are going to win the Leaders division for the second season in a row, Minnesota has fallen to dead last in the Legends division with a pitiful 1-4 Big Ten record.  Can’t we kick them out of the conference and bring in Montana already?

Stafford Infection by 9

-       Does anyone else think it’s irritating that every big football stadium in the country is stealing Baltimore’s tradition of playing “Seven Nation Army” over the PA system when the home team is on defense?  I’m looking right at you, Michigan.

-       Election Update! Obama won.

-       This week’s picks are once again dedicated to me, because I’m awesome and you’re not.  That shit cray.

- Chode Out.