They didn’t listen.
Not even a little. All season
long, I tried to warn them. I tried to
explain how the Wisconsin Badgers were the best team in the Big Ten, despite
the five gut-wrenching losses that we had endured throughout the regular
season. I tried to tell them about how
our football team had improved throughout the season, going from a low-scoring,
dysfunctional squad to the finely tuned offensive machine that was on display
last weekend in Indianapolis. And still,
the sportswriters, analysts, coaches and pundits remained convinced that
Wisconsin had no chance in hell against the mighty Nebraska Cornhuskers. Content to rely on their computers and “BCS
rankings” rather than their eyes and brains, the sports world had effectively
written the Badgers off and penciled us in to the TaxSlayer.com Gator
Bowl. Until that glorious night in Indiana,
when Curt’s arm, James’s speed, Melvin’s elusiveness, and Montee’s balls
changed everything. Hold on a
second. I’m going to see if I can
capture the essence of the two events that rocked the college football
landscape this past week in a single sentence…
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH, THE BADGERS ARE BIG TEN CHAMPIONS
ONCE AGAIN AND WE STILL OWN THOSE INBRED HICKS FROM NEBRASKA, but DAMN IT ALL
BIELEMA WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO STAB US IN THE BACK YOU ASSHOLE!?!?!?!
Yup, I think that covers it pretty concisely. But just for fun, I’m going to break down my
trip to Indy last weekend, because it was probably the most fun I’ve had all
year, even including the party bus trip to Lambeau in November. First of all, I want to let you know that
despite not being home to a major college campus, Indianapolis is a pretty damn
fun town. The people are nice,
everything important is within walking distance, the bars are awesome
(including Tiki Bob’s, which gets the Chode Seal of Approval as the Best Bar in
the Midwest), and there are cougars EVERYWHERE.
Seriously. I guess that’s what
happens when you don’t have a large university to supply the party. No complaints here. As for the contest itself, I think my fellow
Badger fans would agree that it was by far the most fun game of the
season. Being in Lucas Oil Stadium with
a split crowd gave it a bowl-like atmosphere, which made it even more awesome when
we jumped out to a 42-10 halftime lead (Side note: by the end of the first
quarter, all of the older Nebraska fans absolutely HATED us, mostly due to our
collective inability to be gracious and show good sportsmanship. Whatever.
Deal with it, Huskers. Our Red is
bigger than yours.). In short, the game
itself was basically one giant three-hour long Badger victory party, and it
convinced me that I need to go back to Indy whenever our football team gives me
the chance. And despite the 48-hour
drinking binge that we subjected ourselves to, everyone in our group made it
back to Madison in one piece (Well, except for my friend Eric who managed to
get his reproductive organs stuck in a vacuum on Friday night. Don’t ask.).
Unfortunately, the sense of bliss felt by Badger Nation was
short-lived. On Tuesday afternoon, we
were blindsided by reports that Bret Bielema, a man who led us to three
consecutive Big Ten championships and was THIS CLOSE to stepping out of Barry
Alvarez’s shadow, was bailing on us for a bigger payday in Fayetteville,
Arkansas. Son of a bitch. The news was met with mixed reactions in
Madison, a combination of shock, disbelief, betrayal, anger, sadness, and even
glee for the small contingent of fans who still didn’t believe in him. Personally, I was stunned and dejected by
Bret’s decision, mostly because he had been leading us for the formative years
of my Badger fanhood. I may have grown
up under Alvarez, but I came of age under Bielema (insert your own homosexual
innuendo here). I hate to admit it, but
I’ll miss you, Bret. I’ll miss your
recruiting, your boldness, your inability to pull starters during blowouts,
your god-awful clock management skills, and your constant, self-assured
arrogance. I’ll miss your sharp red
blazers and khaki slacks, I’ll miss your Hawkeye tattoo, I’ll miss your
receding hairline and expanding waistline, and I’ll miss your musk. Now with all of that being said, I hope you
don’t win a single damn bowl game with the Razorbacks. I hope we meet you in the Capital One Bowl
next year and pound your rich, smirking ass into the turf. Best of luck in the $EC, God knows you’ll
need it. It’s the one part of the
country where your confidence and recruiting skills won’t mean a damn thing
when Nick Saban, Mark Richt and Les Miles are going after the same kids, mostly
because they’ve actually won BCS games.
Also, you’re going to be at an enormous disadvantage when it comes to
game management. Saban coaches like a
serial killer. You coach like a drunk
driver. Both deadly, but one is far more
efficient.
Anyways, now that The Coach Who Shall Not Be Named has left
Madison, Wisconsin Athletic Director/Living Legend Barry Alvarez has a lot on
his plate. I’m sure you all heard that
Barry agreed to take on the formidable task of leading the Badgers to their
first Rose Bowl victory since 2001 after Curt Phillips and Mike Taylor
approached him earlier this week and asked for his guidance in Pasadena. Personally, I couldn’t be more excited about
watching him prowl the sidelines one last time on New Year’s Day. You couldn’t make this shit up, it’s like
something out of a sports movie. And
unfortunately for Stanford, this particular movie is going to end with the
Badgers bringing the Hammer of Alvarez down on the hapless Cardinal. To put it simply, Barry doesn’t lose Rose
Bowls, and he’s about to become the first coach to claim four Rose Bowl
championships in three seasons. It’s
also worth noting that Alvarez was inducted into the College Football Hall of
Fame in 2010 (two years AFTER the Chode’s name made it’s way into the Hall, by
the way), making this the first time that a Hall of Fame member will be
coaching in a BCS game.
After bringing home the hardware from Pasadena, Barry’s next
priority will be finding a new head coach.
It shouldn’t be too hard, considering the consistent success that the
program has enjoyed over the past two decades.
Unfortunately, Alvarez has already stated that he won’t pursue former
offensive coordinator Paul Chryst, since he just started coaching at Pitt this
year, and unlike that fucker who went to Arkansas, Barry actually has enough
class to respect Chryst’s commitment. So
since Chryst and Dave Doeren are off the table, there’s really only one logical
choice to take the reins next season: me.
That’s right, I said it. After a
five-year sabbatical from my time in the coaching ranks, I’m ready to lead the
Wisconsin Badgers to unprecedented heights.
I plan on submitting my resume to the athletic offices later this week,
and I think my accomplishments speak for themselves. During three seasons as a head coach in the
Dunn County Parks and Recreation Youth Flag Football League, I complied a
flawless record of 18-0, with three league championships. I attribute this success to superior game
planning, ingenious play calling, and the fact that our high school football
coach was kind enough to put his son and all of his talented friends on my
team’s roster. Also, I once led the
Wisconsin Badgers to five consecutive national championships in NCAA Football
’05 for Playstation 2, so I think that proves that I’ve mastered our offensive
system. Last but not least, I’m very
photogenic, I look good in red, and I have a winning smile. Did I mention that I’m in the College
Football Hall of Fame? Case closed. Mr. Alvarez, I await your call.
In the unlikely event that Barry doesn’t pick me to take
over the program, I think we’ll probably hire Seahawks offensive coordinator
and former UW quarterback Darrell Bevell, or just promote current defensive
coordinator Chris Ash. Either one would
be a solid choice. And to be honest, I’m
actually glad we’re not trying to bring Paul Chryst back, for one reason: Matt
Millen thinks we should hire Chryst. And
Matt Millen (architect of the Detroit Lions’ record setting 0-16 season) hasn’t
made a sound football decision in decades.
On an unrelated note, congratulations to the Minnesota
Golden Gophers on accepting a bid to the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas. Remember when you guys used to have a good
football program? Yeah, neither do
I.
Enough about college football. PICKS INCOMING!!
Current Black Presidents (8-5) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (8-5)
Holy shit, the playoffs started this week? Damn.
I honestly had no idea. Well,
good season I guess, since my team’s playoff hopes went down in flames sometime
around week 9. Maybe next year. But probably not. Anyways, I don’t think I can pick against
Jared this week, since he’s on a five-game winning streak. Also, I don’t want to pick against him, since
he’s my only ally in my NBA fandom, a devoted disciple of the Miami Heat. The Heat ended their brief, 2-game losing
streak tonight with a victory over the New Orleans Hornets. And in case you don’t pay attention to the
NBA (you really should, it’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than baseball),
Tom Benson, owner of both the New Orleans Saints and Hornets, decided to change
his basketball’s team name to the Pelicans next season. Yup, that’s right. The New Orleans Pelicans. Beautiful.
The best part about this is that the Hornets/Pelicans have the best
rookie center the league has seen in two decades in Anthony Davis, which means
that in six or seven years, when Dwyane Wade is retired and LeBron is past his
prime, there will be a team named the Pelicans competing for an NBA title
behind Davis and his fearsome unibrow.
Dalton’s Red Zone by 10
ABC-It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks
(7-6)
I’m not sure how you snuck your sorry ass into the playoffs
Mike, but don’t worry, your bid for a fantasy title will be over quickly. Let’s be honest. We all know that Dave’s team is head and
shoulders above the rest of the league, and barring a catastrophe, he’s going
to take home the hardware this season. Arian
Foster and Doug Martin are scoring machines, Griffin is a freak and the rest of
his roster is good enough to get the job done.
And yes, I’m writing this entire paragraph in a blatant attempt to jinx
his team. In all sincerity, I hope he
loses by 100.
ABC-It’s Easy as RG3 by eleventy billion
Stafford Infection (6-7) vs Mondolockdown (10-3)
In case you haven’t been paying attention, Johnny Capitalism
from Texas A&M just won the Heisman trophy, becoming the first freshman to
win college football’s most prestigious honor.
I can’t say I’m surprised, considering he was going up against a
linebacker and a no-talent quarterback from Kansas State. Unfortunately for Johnny though, he’s now
going to fall victim to the Curse of Montee Ball, meaning that the year after a
record-setting season, you’re almost guaranteed to have much less impressive
stats the next year. But damn, can you
imagine what it must feel like to win the Heisman trophy at 20 years old? Ridiculous.
I suppose we’ll probably have to wait at least a full year to see it
happen again when Melvin Gordon takes it home next fall (Just to be clear, I’m
starting up the Melvin Gordon for Heisman bandwagon right now. Jump on while there’s still room.) Hey, speaking of Badgers, since I haven’t
written enough about my school this week…
Mondolockdown by 6
Roddy White Suburban (8-5) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-6)
The Wisconsin Men’s Basketball team continued their recent
stretch of futility with an embarrassing 10-point loss to Marquette last night. Sometime during the first half, it became
glaringly obvious that the Badgers just don’t have the athleticism to keep up
with teams like the Golden Eagles. We
finished the first half with a whopping total of 20 points, and managed to do
slightly better in the second period, bringing our final score to a still-pathetic
sum of 50. Worse than the actual
beatdown on the court though, was being forced to listen to those jack-offs in
the Marquette student section all game long.
I realize that most of them are bitter because they couldn’t get into UW
for undergrad, but was it really necessary to chant “Fuck the Badgers” all for
60 minutes on national TV? And then just
to prove even more deeply how much they wish they could switch places with us,
they went ahead and played Jump Around at the end of the game. So to summarize, despite their superior
basketball team, Marquette is still (and always will be) UW’s inbred
cousin. Go ahead and wave around your
“Better Dead Than Red” signs all you want, just know that if you spend enough
time in downtown Milwaukee, that’s exactly how you’ll end up. Just like Rick Majerus (Too soon? I don’t care, fuck you Marquette). Also, we still can’t hear you over here in
Madison because OUR EARS ARE FULL OF ROSES!!
Roddy White Suburban by 13
Also, I’d like to point out that the famed “Curse of the
Breuser” is alive and well in Madison, considering that Mike Bruesewitz sat out
last night’s loss with a concussion. In
case you’re new to the Chode Picks, the Curse of the Breuser refers to the bad
karma brought on Bo Ryan’s squad by the floppy-haired forward two years ago
when he spilled my drink all over me at a bar and not only failed to buy me a
new one, but stared me right in the face and then walked away without even
apologizing. Since that fateful evening,
the Badgers have failed to advance past the sweet sixteen or win a Big Ten
Championship. And until that ginger
asshole either finds me or brings me a new gin and tonic, the curse lives on.
Oh shit, I completely forgot to write about the ass-kicking
that the Packers put on Minnesota last week.
Wow. I guess that’s how one-sided
this rivalry has gotten, it doesn’t even count as a noteworthy event anymore
when we beat the Vikings. So just this
once, I’ll spare you my excessive taunting, because let’s be honest; you know
you’re inferior, and there’s no real need to rub it in. Anyways, expect more of the same tonight from
the Pack against the struggling Detroit Lions.
And I swear if Ndamukong Suh tries to kick Rodgers in the crotch, I’m
going to burn Ford Field to the ground.
Just kidding. But seriously Suh,
stay away from my quarterback, damn it.
Barry Alvarez for president.
- Chode Out.
No comments:
Post a Comment