I wasn’t going to write this week. I really wasn’t. After seven long seasons, four years of
college, one semester of medical school, approximately eight million picks and
more immature jokes than I care to remember, I was finally ready for the
end. After cramming a lifetime full of
awesomeness into just 23 precious years, I was fully prepared for the end of
the world, and the sweet oblivion it would bring. After all, some of the smartest people on the
internets had assured me that the Mayans couldn’t be wrong, that the apocalypse
had to occur exactly two days after my birthday. So in preparation for our impending doom, I
decided that after finishing all of my in-class finals I wanted to go out in
style, doing what I do best: drinking to excess. Unfortunately, after a wild end of
semester/Christmas/Armageddon on the 20th, I woke up the next
morning with three crushing realizations.
1)
Sadly, the sky had not exploded
2)
I had a devastating hangover, and…
3)
I still had to finish an online Biochem final
and write this edition of Chode Picks before the end of the week.
Yes, that’s right. An
online exam in medical school. How, you
ask? Hold on. Let’s rewind a bit, back to December 18th,
also known as the day before the Greatest Day of the Year. As you probably didn’t know, the 18th
was also the day of my first two exams this week, which just happened to be the
only two that I needed to do halfway decent on in order to secure a passing
grade. Despite this, afterwards I was
planning on being “responsible” and “studying” for genetics the next day. Fortunately, my friends had other plans for
me. After being dragged downtown for
“just a couple of drinks”, I was about to call it a night and try to salvage a
decent night’s sleep before my final the next morning, when my buddy (whom I’ll
call GD because he doesn’t deserve to have his name in the Chode Picks) threw
down the following challenge:
GD: (setting a pitcher of beer in front of me) Happy
birthday.
Chode: What the hell is this?
GD: Pitcher race
Chode: You realize I have a final tomorrow
GD: Yes, but according to the Chode Picks, “past Quilling
kicked enough ass to make up for it”.
Drink up.
Chode: … you’re an asshole.
I’ll have you all know that I won that damn pitcher
race. And despite waking up the next
morning with a nasty headache, I’m pretty sure I dominated that exam too,
leaving me with just one the next day before a glorious, two-week Christmas
break. Then the unthinkable
happened. You see, late that afternoon,
it became obvious that the largest snowstorm in the past decade was headed
directly towards Madison, Wisconsin, with an expected snowfall upwards of 11
inches. This led the brass at the
university to cancel ALL of the undergraduate finals scheduled for Thursday and
gifted us with the single most magical occurrence of the year: a UW-Madison
snow day. And as is customary on a snow
day, the entire student body made the logical choice to drink ourselves silly,
start massive snow fights and block major city streets with giant snowballs
rather than study for any remaining exams on Friday or Saturday. I don’t know if I’ve ever been prouder of my
school. (I suppose this is where I
should apologize for my derogatory comments towards the weather a couple of
weeks ago. Just this once, we’re on good
terms, snow.) So in summary, my birthday was awesome and I’d like to thank
everyone who helped me celebrate and ease the pain of turning 23 and officially
becoming old as shit. Damn it, that’s
almost a quarter of a century. This
sucks. I wanted to stay 22 forever (and
no, I’m not going to link you to that God-awful Taylor Swift song).
Regardless, after the snow day, I had until the 23rd
at noon to take my online exam, which seemed like a bit of a joke even after
our professors asked us very nicely not to consult our notes or the
internet (Did I use mine? Of course not, I’m a man of integrity*), but
now that it’s over, I have literally nothing to do except sit around in the
middle of fucking nowhere, also known as rural Western Wisconsin. It’s gonna be a long two weeks. But enough about me. Time to break down the tremendous ass-kicking
that the Packers put on Tennessee today.
First of all, I want to congratulate the entire team on a
spectacular performance. For the past
two months, seemingly every commentator on TV has been talking about how Green
Bay has been learning to “win ugly”. Now
up until today I wasn’t entirely sure what the hell they were talking about,
because every Packer win looks pretty damn good to me. After this afternoon though, I think I get
it, due to the pure, flawless beauty of the show Rodgers and company put on
today. In all honesty, there are very
few things in this world more beautiful than that 20-yard strike that A-Rod
fired to Randall Cobb in the first quarter.
And I’ve always maintained that there isn’t a finer sight in sports than
a goose egg on your opponent’s side of the scoreboard (I refuse to recognize
the Titan’s bullshit garbage-time touchdown at the end). So bravo, you gorgeous gentlemen, you green
and gold supermen, you gods of the gridiron.
Long may you reign over the NFC North.
Expect more 48-point blowouts in week 17 and into the playoffs next
month.
Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the fact that
MASON CROSBY MADE BOTH OF HIS FIELD GOAL ATTEMPTS TODAY!!!! Thank God.
Hopefully he’s finally getting back some of the confidence that you lose
when you miss half of your kicks on the season.
For the past month, every time the Packers crossed the opponents 30-yard
line, the broadcast crew doing the game would cut to Crosby on the sidelines,
looking like he’s about to shit his pants.
No longer (crossing fingers).
Hey, speaking of guys who should have been fired a long time
ago, Joe Buck. I don’t think I need to
elaborate.
Also, I’d like to apologize for not getting the Picks out
before Sunday night. But let’s be honest
here; nobody actually reads them for legitimate football analysis anyways.
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: I’m thinking RBs (7-6) vs 711 s 9th
st 101C (8-5)
Not sure what’s going on with your team Jared (not sure why
anyone would ever want me to post their address in the Chode Picks), but it
doesn’t matter. What does matter is that
unless Vernon Davis scores 18 points for you tonight, you just lost the league
championship. So congratulations to the
new king of fantasy football, Kevin “Boom” Boerboom. Despite losing nearly half of your regular
season games and barely sneaking into the playoffs, you managed to knock off
three very good teams in the past three weeks.
After looking at your roster, how the hell you pulled it off is beyond
me. It hurts my head just thinking about
it. Way to go, champ. And congratulations on a fine playoff run by
our runner-up: Jared Horatio Sawle.
I’m thinking RBs by 9
THIRD PLACE GAME: Stafford Infection (6-7) vs ABC – It’s
Easy as RG3 (10-3)
As badly as I want to rub salt in the wound of losing in the
semifinals, I’m gonna show some restraint here.
After all, finishing third or fourth out of 12 teams isn’t bad. So instead I’ll give a shoutout to Calvin
Johnson. Apparently I was wrong about
the whole Madden Curse thing. It’s
really astounding how everyone in the stadium knows that the Lions have only
one reliable offensive weapon, but he somehow gets open over and over again
anyways. And even after breaking Jerry
Rice’s single-season receiving yardage record, he still seems to be
improving. Ridiculous. But hey, speaking of guys who put the team on
their back…
Stafford Infection by 81
FIFTH PLACE GAME: Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Roddy White
Suburban (8-5)
I’ll be the first one to point out the obvious: Adrian
Peterson is not going to break the rushing record in week 17. There is absolutely no way that the Packer
defense is allowing over 200 yards to a single running back, not even one as
talented and motivated as Peterson. If
San Francisco wins tonight and Green Bay decides to rest their starters, he
might come close. But I wouldn’t bet on
it. Especially since the Seahawks are
about to take down the Niners and give us every reason to win next week and
keep the Vikings out of the playoffs. In
fact, I can’t think of a better way to end the regular season than by knocking
Minnesota out and keeping AP out of the record books next Sunday. Consider it one final “fuck you” from your
superior neighbors to the east in 2012.
By the way, wouldn’t it be HILARIOUS if the Vikings or Bears ended up
missing the playoffs because of Seattle’s fraudulent victory over the Packers
in week 3? Considering how irritating
and smug all of their fans were afterwards, it seems like poetic justice. Hey, maybe with your extra time in the
offseason your teams can swap quarterbacks, so Christian Ponder (can’t hit open
receivers) and Jay Cutler (always hits open defensive backs) can find creative
ways to suck the life out of new fanbases.
Cross your fingers.
By the way, Aaron Rodgers’s fiancé is hotter than Ponder’s
wife.
Roddy White Suburban by 12
SEVENTH PLACE GAME: Current Black Presidents (8-5) vs Team
Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)
So aside from the Packers’ total domination today, there was
another awesome development in the NFL today when ESPN reported that Tim Tebow
will most likely play for the Jaguars next season. About damn time. After the Broncos signed Peyton Manning, it
was obvious that the best place for Tebow to land was Florida, where he can
sell tickets, fill seats and provide an instant upgrade over Blaine Gabbert,
but for some reason last summer Rex Ryan felt like he needed to trade for Tebow
instead and let one of the league’s most exciting players rot on the bench
behind Mark “three turnovers or your money back” Sanchez. So congrats to Tim on
escaping the vortex of continual failure that is the New York Jets. May you lead Jacksonville to unprecedented
heights next year, perhaps four or even five wins. You consistently give me material to write
about, and for that Timmy, I thank you.
The Chode Picks haven’t been the same with you on the bench.
NINTH PLACE GAME: Chode’s All Stars (3-10) vs The Nation of
Israel Idonije (2-11)
That’s right, motherfuckers.
It’s finally here. The day I’ve
been dreaming about all season. The one
glorious Sunday where I can finally put this season behind me, and better yet,
do so by claiming my first-ever (consolation) FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYOFF
CHAMPIONSHIP, WOOOOO!!!!!! Say what you
want about the regular season, just know that I finished the year as a
winner. Special thanks to Colin
Kaepernick for helping me salvage my season.
I’d also like to take this moment to announce that I am officially
breaking up with my fantasy quarterback of the past two years, Eli
Manning. And we are never, ever, ever
getting back together (nope, not linking to that song either). Eli, I’m deleting your number. Don’t call me, don’t text me and I don’t care
how far you fall in next year’s fantasy draft, I am not taking your sorry ass
back again. Colin is my quarterback now,
and we’re very happy together.
Chode’s All Stars by 7
Oh by the way, I won my playoff game in my other league this
week too, setting up a rematch with the jackass who beat me last week for
another consolation championship. Time
for a little payback. Double or nothing
on the Everclear shot. Deal? Deal.
LAST PLACE GAME: No Names vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers
In the spirit of this game, and because I have absolutely
nothing to say about it, here’s a list of things that I hate for no particular
reason:
-
Country music
-
Christmas music
-
Country Christmas music
-
People who wear sweaters over a dress shirt and
tie
-
That color halfway in between blue and purple
-
Dubstep
-
The phrase “epic fail”
-
Hippies
-
People who are intolerant of other people’s
cultures
-
The Dutch
That is all.
No Names by 30
Final thoughts before I wrap it up:
-
Seahawks win!!
Green Bay is now in the driver’s seat for a first-round playoff
bye. You know, because that worked out
so well for us last season.
-
The biggest reason I’m glad about finals week
being over? I don’t have to see
everyone’s stupid, self-pitying Facebook statuses about how unprepared they are
for finals. Nobody feels sorry for
you. Shut up and go study.
-
Considering how well Adrian Peterson and Ricky
Rubio have played coming off of ACL surgery, maybe the Twins should go ahead
and wreck Joe Mauer’s knee just to be safe.
- Chode Out.
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