Some things are bigger than sports. I know we all like to pretend that football
games are a life-or-death situation, but every now and then we’re faced with
the kind of tragedy that makes us take a step back and re-evaluate what’s really
important in life. These horrific events
send shockwaves throughout the country, as we all struggle to deal with the
fallout and devastation left behind. By
now you’ve probably gathered that I’m talking about the disaster that struck in
Madison, this past week, when Wisconsin defensive coordinator Chris Ash and
defensive line coach Charlie Partridge left UW to join Benedict Bret at the
University of Arkansas. It’s difficult
for me to even think, much less write about this topic in the wake of the unspeakable
carnage that has wracked the Badger coaching staff in the past two weeks, but I
feel like I owe it to you, dear readers, to help you get through these
difficult times by publishing another edition of the Chode Picks. First though, I’d like us all to observe a
moment of silence for the demise of the Wisconsin coaching tree.
(……………………….)
Thank you. The Picks
must go on.
On a much more positive note, the Green Bay Packers came
back from a surprising 14-point deficit against the Detroit Lions last Sunday
to improve to 9-4 on the season.
Combined with Chicago’s embarrassing loss to Adrian Peterson last week,
this puts the Pack in position to lock up the NFC North title with a win over
the suddenly punchless Bears at Soldier Field tomorrow. I’ll admit that I had my doubts about Green
Bay’s chance at winning the division after a dismal 2-3 start to the season,
especially when Chicago ran out to a 7-1 start at midseason, but it appears
that order and sanity has finally been restored to the NFC North pecking
order. Well, except for the Lions. I have absolutely no idea what happened to
them this year. Anyways, I probably
should have seen this coming, since there was a very good reason that the Bears
won 7 out of their first 8 games: sheer, dumb luck. Seriously.
In the first half of the season, Chicago scored seven defensive
touchdowns, and appeared poised to shatter the single-season record of nine. In the five games since then however, they’ve
recorded exactly zero defensive touchdowns and suffered four defeats. Now I suppose you could make the argument
that the Bears’ early defensive scoring was more a product of smart play and
talent rather than luck, but then I’d have to counter with the argument that no
it wasn’t, and you’re a fucking moron. Regardless, I don’t expect Chicago to be able
to summon up enough good fortune to seriously challenge Rodgers’ crew tomorrow,
especially with Clay Matthews back in action.
Ring up another concussion for Jay Cutler.
Packers by 14
CHAMPIONSHIP BRACKET SEMIFINALS:
Stafford Infection (6-7) vs Dalton’s Red Zone (8-5)
Another thing I forgot to mention about the upcoming
Packer-Bear game: Jermichael Finley.
More specifically, the stupid things that come out of Jermichael
Finley’s mouth. Earlier this week, the
drop-happy tight end claimed that the Bears’ defense was “probably better off
without” Brian Urlacher. You know, the
same Brian Urlacher who’s played in eight Pro Bowls (important note: Jermichael
has yet to make one Pro Bowl) and acts as the quarterback of Chicago’s
defense. The next day, Urlacher’s
teammate Lance Briggs fired back, saying about Finley: “he’s an idiot”. Well, I never thought I’d write this, but Mr.
Briggs, I could not agree with you more.
Normally I’d suggest that the Packers trade Finley for a draft pick, but
unfortunately the rest of the league caught on to the fact that his hands
turned to stone two years ago. So
Jermichael, if you’re reading this (you’re not), please keep your damn mouth shut
until your contract is up and we can all pretend that you were never part of
this team.
Sincerely,
Every Single Packer Fan
Dalton’s Red zone by 14
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (10-3) vs I’m thinking RBs (7-6)
This is why you don’t rely on a rookie running quarterback
to carry your fantasy team. Because when
he gets hurt in week 14 and forces you to throw Philip Rivers into your
starting lineup for the fantasy playoffs, you’re all kinds of fucked. RG3’s injury was the dominant story of the
NFL week, even edging out the breaking Adrian Peterson human growth hormone
scandal for the top slot on SportsCenter this evening. America loves this dude. But if he keeps getting hurt at this pace and
never learns to avoid the hard hits, he’ll never fulfill his potential and in
all likelihood end up as the next Michael Vick (minus the dog-murdering
business). Regardless, I’m rooting for
the Redskins for the rest of the season, because they’re the only team standing
between the New York Giants and an NFC East title. And as I’ve written about before, the Giants
scare the piss out of me.
I’m thinking RBs by 6
Well, it’s 9:16 PM on a Saturday night, I’ve been studying
all day, and my roommate just reminded me that if I’m writing the Chode Picks,
I’m required to be at least buzzed. Damn
it all. I was really going to try and
stay sober for a two-week period until finals were over, but for the past four
nights now my friends have been finding creative ways to fill me with booze
instead. Anyways, since my exams don’t
start until Tuesday, and I only need to score 50% or higher on three of them
(thank you Past Quilling, for kicking ass on the previous exams), looks like
I’m taking a half-hour break to get suitably drunk. Screw it, I don’t know why I was studying
anyways when the world is ending in less than a week. See you back here in a bit.
And we’re back! I
feel much better. Time to write about
the part of the fantasy season that absolutely NOBODY cares about, the playoff
consolation bracket. First up…
Mondolockdown (10-3) vs Current Black Presidents (8-5)
First of all, congratulations to Brandon Mondlock for
becoming the first #1 seed in league history to lose to the eighth seed in the
first round of the playoffs. Truly an
outstanding effort. I’ll do my best not
to rub it in your face next week, but I can’t make any promises. By the way, that reminds me of another #1
seed that lost a playoff series in the NBA this past summer: the Chicago
Bulls. Oh shit Brandon, you’re a Bulls
fan too, aren’t you? Well, I’ll be
damned. What are the odds? At this point, I’m sure you’ve grown
accustomed to continued disappointment and heartbreak anyways, so it probably
came as no surprise when your fantasy title hopes were torn to shreds faster
than the ligaments in Derrick Rose’s knee.
Damn, that was a fantastic metaphor.
High five for myself.
Current Black Presidents by 1
Roddy White Suburban (8-5) vs Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (7-6)
So I’m sitting here writing, listening to my roommates and a
couple of friends talk about all of the possible doomsday scenarios that could
wipe us off of the face of the Earth on Friday (you know, that whole retarded
Mayan apocalypse thing) and I can’t help but be reminded of another
ridiculously dumb quote that my close friend Sobe gave me last week, which went
as follows.
Sobe: So I found out last night that my friend’s dad was a
pro hockey player.
Chode: Oh really?
Sobe: Yeah, he played in the NFC.
Chode: Ummm… the NFC?
You sure?
Sobe: Yeah, the National… wait that’s not it. The NHC?
Chode: (laughing)
Sobe: Please don’t write about this.
I’m sorry friend. I
really am. Maybe you shouldn’t talk
about sports. Just sit there and stare
at the game on TV with a confused look on your face like most other girls. Also, I’m blaming our recent spell of shitty
weather completely on you. I don’t know
why you were so damn eager for snow to get here for the winter, but I assume
you’ve learned your lesson now that we all have to walk to class in the
freezing cold with soaking wet feet (especially for us men folk, who apparently
aren’t allowed to wear comfortable furred boots without being ridiculed). As for the rest of you that wanted a white
Christmas, I hope you’re happy now, damn it.
That was incredibly short-sighted of you.
Roddy White Suburban by 4
Instead of breaking down the matchups in our double
consolation bracket (in which Nate, Levi, Will and myself are locked in a
vicious battle for 9th place), I’m just going to go ahead and award
myself the consolation championship for the season. If any of you other three
have a problem with it, let me know in the comments below, and we’ll reconcile
it with a cagefight to the death (which by the way, is how I settle most of my
arguments). Also, the 9th
place finish marks the end of my best fantasy football season in three
years. So hooray for me.
Well, I think I’m gonna have to call it a wrap for this
week’s edition. My apologies to all of
you who were expecting a longer version from me this week. I promise that once my exams are over I’ll be
able to put some more time and effort into it
A couple more thoughts before I shut it down:
-
You’re an asshole, Garrison. I was going to shut my team down for the week
and let you win in the other fantasy league, but then I checked on your fantasy
team name, and I have henceforth decided that you deserve no such sense of
satisfaction or happiness for the rest of the season. I hope you trip over your gown and fall
face-forward off of the stage at graduation tomorrow. Also, we should put a bet on this matchup
before the games start tomorrow. Loser
takes a shot of Everclear. Deal? Deal.
-
Congrats to my friends Jon, Caitlin and the
jackass mentioned above for graduating this weekend.
-
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for the
night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm
for the rest of his life.
-
Sorry, I don’t have a video for you all this
week. Somebody bail me out and post one.
- Chode Out.
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