Salutations!! Welcome
back, ladies and gentlemen, to the final 2012 edition of the Chode Picks! That’s right, although my primary fantasy
football league’s season may be over, the picks will go on. More specifically, the picks will go on for
as long as the Green Bay Packers are still alive in the NFL Playoffs. With any luck, I’ll be writing into early
February. Cross your fingers. I’ll get to the Packers’ playoff prospects in
a moment, but first I know you’re all dying to hear about the wild shenanigans
that have been going on in my hometown over winter break. And I know that this might come as a shock to
some of you, but somehow this city managed to become even more boring in the
month between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It’s really astounding. I don’t
understand why anyone between 18 and 30 years old would choose to live
here. Imagine going to a bar on a Friday
night where the only thing on television is the Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas
and re-runs of “Wheel of Fortune”. Now
fill that bar with 40-something alcoholics and all of the kids that dropped out
of your high school class. Now dim the
lights way down so you can’t quite tell just how ugly everyone is, and load up
the jukebox with shitty country songs.
Welcome to Menomonie.
Luckily, I’m getting the hell out of here for New
Year’s. A couple of friends and I
decided to head over to the armpit of the Midwest (also known as
Minneapolis-St. Paul) tomorrow morning in an attempt to scalp tickets to the
Packer-Viking game and enjoy some end-of-the-year festivities the next
night. This means I’ll most likely be
watching the Rose Bowl in Gopher territory on New Year’s Day, which gives me
the wonderful opportunity to do what I do best: rub my team’s success in the
face of the Minnesotans. Just thinking
about it makes me giggle. I suppose
there is a faint possibility that the Badgers could lose to Stanford and ruin
it for me, but then I can always take solace in the Gophers’ tremendous failure
last night against Texas Tech. Allow me
to explain.
With just about two minutes left in their season, the 6-6
Minnesota Golden Gophers had somehow, miraculously managed to take a seven
point lead over the Texas Tech Red Raiders, needing only a defensive stop to
secure their first bowl victory in over a decade. True to form however, the Gopher defense
promptly gave up a 35-yard touchdown strike from Raider quarterback Seth
Doege. This however, left Philip Nelson
and the Gopher offense with 70 seconds left to move down the field and kick the
winning field goal. Nelson and company
were remarkably efficient on the drive, working all the way down Texas Tech’s
40 yard line, just outside of field goal range.
Unfortunately though, Philip apparently picked that moment to tell
himself “Wait a minute. This isn’t
right, we’re supposed to lose these games” and promptly threw an interception
that was returned to Minnesota’s own 20-yard line, setting up the winning field
goal for Texas Tech as time expired.
Truly an outstanding performance.
But I think it’s time to write about the successful teams in college
football, so without further delay I present to you…
Chode’s Third Annual BCS Bowl-O-Rama!! That’s right, it’s the end-of-year tradition
where I preview all of college football’s most prestigious games and correctly
pick the winners. Let’s get to it, in
order of least to most important:
DISCOVER ORANGE BOWL: #15 NORTHERN ILLINOIS (12-1) VS #12
FLORIDA STATE (11-2)
Did you know that Dave Doeren, Northern Illinois’ recently
departed head coach, used to be the running back coach at Wisconsin? Did you know that he stupidly accepted a job
at North Carolina State just before the head coaching job at UW opened up? Did you know that former UW-Stout assistant
coach Rod Carey is now leading the Huskies?
Did you know that Rod Carey is a jackass and a shitty coach? Did you know that Northern Illinois has
absolutely no chance of winning this game?
You do now. Place your bets
accordingly. Winner gets a giant glass
bowl full of delicious oranges.
Florida State by 35
ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL: #3 FLORIDA (11-1) VS #21 LOUISVILLE
(10-2)
Here we have the third-ranked Florida Gators, the tough-luck
one loss team in the SEC that got left out of the National Championship game,
despite fielding the best Gator squad since the days of Tebow and Urban
Meyer. Standing in their way are the
Louisville Cardinals, who benefited from winning the Big East, which apparently
still gets you an automatic BCS bid.
Winner gets a fantastic insurance policy from Allstate that will be
enough to cover your meds after you develop type II diabetes from guzzling the
winner’s share of granulated sugar.
Anyways, since I think the Gators are the only team in the country that
might be able to beat Alabama, I’m obviously picking them to win by a number
that’s too high for most Florida grads to count to.
Florida by 13
TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL: #4 OREGON (11-1) VS #5 KANSAS STATE
(11-1)
First of all, thank God that Oregon didn’t make the Rose
Bowl again. That would have been
embarrassing. Secondly, thank God that
Collin Klein didn’t win the Heisman.
That would have been equally embarrassing. He won’t even be the best quarterback on the
field in this one. After somehow being
held to 14 points against Stanford, look for Marcus Mariota and the Ducks to
get back on track and steamroll the Wildcats.
Oregon is just too damn fast.
Also, their bowl game jerseys are always awesome. Apparently this year’s version is supposed to
be perfectly matched to the color of the turf in Glendale, making the Ducks
nearly invisible to the naked eye.
Kansas State has countered by equipping their players with infrared
goggles that detect body heat instead.
It won’t be enough. Winner gets
showered with Tostitos chips and salsa rather than confetti and Gatorade.
Oregon by 10
DISCOVER BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: #1 NOTRE DAME
(12-0) VS #2 ALABAMA (12-1)
One game is all that stands between this Notre Dame squad
and a perfect season. One game is all
that stands between quarterback Everett Golson and immortality. One game is all that stands between Manti
Te’o and a fairytale ending before he goes on to a career of mediocrity in the
NFL. Unfortunately for the Fighting
Irish, that one game is against Nick Saban and Alabama. And I’m fairly certain that Saban sold his
soul for total college football dominance a while ago. Damn it, I hate the SEC. Not only did they steal my coach, they’re
forcing me to root for Notre Dame in the biggest game of the year. Winner gets a beautiful crystal football and
a million-dollar bonus.
Alabama by 7
ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: WISCONSIN (8-5) VS #6
STANFORD (11-2)
So apparently, there are a few “people” at ESPN that think
Wisconsin doesn’t “deserve” to be in a “BCS bowl game” after “losing” five
games and being “unranked” in the BCS standings. If any of you end up reading this, I suggest
that you kindly “go fuck yourselves”.
There are plenty of reasons that we deserve to be here, and even more
that we’re going to run the Cardinal off of the damn field on New Year’s
Day. Here are a few:
-
We’ve been here before. Twice in the past two seasons, actually. Consider it Camp Randall West. The last time Stanford played in the Tournament
of Roses? January 1st, 2000,
when they lost to, yep the Wisconsin Badgers.
-
Stanford has a lot of experience shutting down
an elite running back. Unfortunately for
them, we have not one, not two, but THREE elite running backs. Montee, James and Melvin, don’t make a fool
out of me.
-
Joel Stave is cleared to play again, giving us
not one, not two, but THREE mediocre quarterbacks. Beat that, Stanford.
-
I won’t be at the game this year, which means
we’ll probably win, because that’s how these things work.
-
Barry.
Fucking. Alvarez.
Wisconsin by 3
Well, that wraps up the college football season. I’ll be back to gloat later after the Badgers
take care of business in Pasadena, but now it’s time to get to the NFL
landscape, and in particular the most meaningful Packer-Viking game in recent
memory.
GREEN BAY PACKERS (11-4) VS MINNESOTA VIKINGS (9-6)
First of all, I’d like to console my Minnesotan friends by
pointing out that this isn’t a true elimination game for the Vikings. After the Packers win, Minnesota can still
make the playoffs if the Bears, Cowboys and Giants all lose. So not all hope is lost. You have roughly a twelve percent chance of
making the postseason. Now, whether your
players will want to play another game after the ridiculous curb-stomping
they’re about to suffer tomorrow is a completely different question. We’ll see.
Also, I’d like to revise a prediction that I made last week; I now think
that Adrian Peterson will break 208 yards.
In fact, I think he’ll rush for 209 yards leading up to the last play of
the game, when the Vikings have a fourth and goal on the Packers’ one-yard
line, trailing by five with eight seconds left in the game. Then I predict B.J. Raji will break through
the line of scrimmage and stuff him for a three-yard loss. It will be the most glorious play in the
history of the Packer-Viking rivalry.
Anyways, more than a few of my Packer friends have been
questioning how much we have to gain by winning this game, since it seems like having
a first-round bye can sap some of the momentum a team builds going into the
playoffs. Personally, the way I look at
it is that we need to win four consecutive games to become Super Bowl champions
again, and we can take care of one of them tomorrow. Might as well do it against shitty
competition. And if you’re gambling on
this game, remember the cardinal rule of NFL betting: never, ever wager on
Christian Ponder in a big game.
Packers by 5
As for the NFL MVP race, there’s been a lot of chatter
lately that Peterson could take home the NFL’s most coveted regular-season
award. Personally, I don’t think he can
get it if the Vikings don’t make the playoffs.
That’s pretty much a prerequisite, you have to be able to lead your team
to the postseason. Even if he does
though, I really think the “valuable” part of “Most Valuable Player” is going
to hurt his chances. The truth is, in
the NFL today, having an elite quarterback is more valuable than anything else,
even a 2,000 yard rusher. So I’m
guessing the award is going to Peyton Manning.
He deserves it just as much as anyone.
Normally Aaron Rodgers would have a shot at it, but his stats are a bit
down from his all-time great season last year, so unfortunately that’s going to
hurt him. I guess he’ll have to settle
for another Super Bowl MVP. Damn.
By the way, I completely forgot to write about new Wisconsin
football coach Gary Andersen last week.
My bad. First of all, I’d like to
express my deep disappointment that Barry passed me up for the job. I didn’t even get a courtesy interview. Jackass.
However, the defensive coordinator job is still very much available, and
I plan on being more aggressive in my pursuit of that job. If any of you have connections in the
athletic department, help me out here.
I’m sure I’ve got to be on their radar at least by this point. Anyways, when I found out about the Andersen hire
two weeks ago, I had the same reaction as most Badger fans: “Gary who?” But after doing a bit of research, he seems
like a winner, a hard worker and a legitimately good guy overall, which is more
than I can say about that prick who went to Arkansas. In fact, I’ll go ahead and guarantee that
Andersen’s Badgers will make more BCS bowl games in the next decade than
Bielema’s Razorbacks. You hear me, Bret? You do not get to dump Wisconsin for some
rich, slutty SEC bitch and get away with it.
Also, your growing deposits of visceral fat are greatly increasing your
risk of coronary heart disease.
By the way, if any of you are looking for a belated
Christmas gift for me, I’ve got the perfect idea. I'd like Bret Bielema, my former coach, right here tonight. I
want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there in Fayetteville with
all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon
on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him
what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking,
dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing,
brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged,
spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit!
Where's the Tylenol?
Sorry, I can’t take credit for the previous paragraph. I watched National Lampoon’s Christmas
Vacation the other night and I wanted to find a way to work Clark Griswold’s
rant in.
Three more thoughts before I call it a day:
-
Congratulations to the 2012 NFL Least Valuable Player: Mark
Sanchez.
-
Best of luck to Brian and Miceli as they duke it
out for the fantasy title and Shiva trophy in our Madison league this
week. Also best wishes to Jeff and Megan
in the Sacco Bowl, in which the loser will be required to display the Purple
Thrasher in their home until next season.
-
Jared Mondlock, here’s your damn shout-out. Congratulations, you’re famous.
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