And now, ladies and gentlemen of ChodeNation, STAAAAAND UP,
AND MAKE SOME NOOIIIIIISE, FOR YOUR WEEK SIX EDITION OF THE CHOOOOOOOOOOODE
PICKS!!!!! It’s been approximately six
days since we last met, and I’m back in the lovely city of Madison, Wisconsin,
ready to fill you in with all the knowledge and wisdom that springs forth from
my brilliant mind. Here we go.
First off, I feel like I should inform all of you that I ran
the Haunted Hustle half-marathon in Middleton yesterday morning, bringing my
lifetime marathon total to 2.5. This
time around, there were no injured heroics or lengthy kegstands involved, just
approximately an hour and 40 minutes of me running through the rain dressed as
Rocky Balboa. Going into the race, I had
my doubts about my ability to put up a competitive time, considering that my
training regimen has consisted of exactly one seven-mile run every week in
between my usual studying/drinking binges.
However, my superior race strategy proved to be more than sufficient. For the first seven miles, I deliberately
went at a slower-than-normal pace, and then kicked it in over the last six and
passed all of the idiots who went out way too fast. I ended up getting 13th place in
my age group, along with a new t-shirt, a finisher medal, and some free beer,
which helped me forget about how my feet hurt FROM KICKING SO MUCH ASS!! Also, I got my exam scores back this week,
and you better believe that I crushed all them bitches. Combined with the Badger’s dominating victory
at Purdue yesterday, it’s made for a pretty great week. By the way, congratulations to Montee Ball on
breaking Ron Dayne’s all-time Big Ten touchdown record today. Where the hell has this offense been all
season?
Really, the only bad parts of this week were on Thursday
night, when I went out for “a few drinks” with my friends and ended up missing
all four of my classes the next day, and earlier today when the Cardinals beat
the Nationals to advance to the NLCS.
For the life of me, I will never understand why the Nats shut down
Strasburg before the playoffs started.
It would be like if the Falcons went on to finish the season 15-1 and
decided “You know what? Matt Ryan’s had
a good year so far. Let’s not risk him
getting hurt in the playoffs. We can
always win the Super Bowl some other time”.
Ridiculous. Anyways, enough about
my week. Let’s get to the picks.
Chode’s All Stars (3-2) vs I’m thinking RBs (3-2)
After two straight victories, America’s Team now finds
itself just one game out of first place, with what should be an easy victory
over Boom’s gang of mediocrity.
Considering that I’m coming off of the largest-ever victory of the Chode
era (you’re welcome for the 77-point shit-stomping, Will), I don’t see The
Streak coming to an end anytime soon. My
only worry is that the Saints’ bye week might screw me over in both of my
leagues, since I have Drew Brees, Jimmy Graham, Marques Colston and Darren
Sproles spread between the two.
Chode’s All Stars by 77
Current Black Presidents (2-3) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers
(0-5)
Props to Kenne for coming up with the only SNL celebrity
Jeopardy-themed team name this year. On
the opposite side, you have no idea how gratifying it is seeing our defending
league champion Nate without a win almost halfway through the regular
season. He’s on track to pull a Ruxin
and go from first to worst. That reminds
me, we really think we ought to refer to the league championship game this year
as “the Chode Bowl”, in the vein of The League’s “Shiva Bowl”. The winner gets an autographed, framed
picture of me, or a lifetime supply of Q-Bombs.
Your choice. And if you have no
idea what I’m talking about because you don’t watch The League on FX, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
Current Black Presidents by 27
Forgetting Brandon Marshall (2-3) vs Mondolockdown (3-2)
Yup, that really happened.
In case you weren’t paying attention, Brandon had a one-point victory
turn into a two-point defeat earlier this week when the NFL credited a 17-yard
reception to Nate Washington that had been given to Darius Reynaud in
error. Apparently the NFL is fine with
overturning the outcome of fantasy games after the fact, but not, you know,
games that actually take place in real life.
Anyways, Ben Roethlisberger was also retroactively awarded a 13-yard
touchdown pass to Rashard Mendenhall that was previously ruled a rushing
touchdown. This one extra score was
enough to change the records of roughly 70,000 fantasy owners in America. So relax Mondlock, you’re not alone, just
cursed. Also, you’re probably losing
again this week. Sorry, man.
Forgetting Brandon Marshall by 4
Moore is Less (1-4) vs Stafford Infection (3-2)
Free win for Eric.
Stafford Infection by 30
I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (3-2) vs Team Beaupre Jared
Sucks (2-3)
Well, this matchup is boring, so I’m going to write about
next week’s upcoming battle border for Paul Bunyan’s axe. The most one-sided “rivalry” in college
football will meet for the 122nd time, with Wisconsin having won the
past eight years in a row and 15 of the last 17. In fact, it’s been over a full calendar year
since the Gophers have laid claim to any of the four rivalry trophies that they
play for. It’s going to be especially
gratifying watching the Badgers stomp the cake eaters after Minnesota opened
the season 4-0 against inferior competition and I had to listen to a few of my
less-intelligent friends from the U of M tell me that the Badgers suck (despite
the fact that, you know, we just won the Big Ten two years in a row). Get ready for another dose of Montee’s Balls
in and around your mouth, assholes.
Also, if any of you are coming down to Madison for the game, let me
know. Should be a good time.
Team Beaupre Jared Sucks by 2
Wisconsin by 17
No Names (4-1) vs ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (4-1)
Just kidding, Dave.
For obvious reasons, I really want Griffin to do well today.
ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 by 6
Well, this ended up being kind of a short edition of the
Chode Picks, so I feel like I should share with you a personal goal that I
reached this week. This accomplishment
was neither physical nor academic, but it was something I’d been working
towards for a long time and thus, I’m pretty damn proud of it. Hold on, I want to savor this for a minute…
IT WORKED!! THE
ALPHABET LINE FINALLY WORKED!! THE
CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS FULFILLED ITS PURPOSE!!
IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME!! I ATE A POUND OF STACON THIS MORNING IN
CELEBRATION!! HALF OF YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT BUT I DON’T CARE!!
Random thoughts:
Last night my friend and former roommate invented what might
just be the most awesomely ridiculous drinking game of all time. I don’t even think I can put it into words,
so there’s really not a good reason for me to be writing about it, but I told
him I’d put it in the Chode Picks. So
here’s your shout-out.
Congrats to John Calipari for adding the #5 recruit in the
nation, James Young, to Kentucky’s already sterling 2013 recruiting class. I know a lot of people despise Kentucky
basketball, but I think it’s a refreshing change to see a coach that’s
completely honest about the fact that his players are going to college for one
reason only: basketball. It’s about time
we stopped pretending with “amateurism” and just let these kids get themselves
ready for the NBA, and that’s exactly what Calipari does. The results speak for themselves: over the
past three years UK has amassed 102 wins to just 14 losses, won three SEC
titles, one national championship, and sent 15 players to the NBA. So yes, I’ll be semi-rooting for the Wildcats
to cut down the nets again this year. Of
course, if they end up knocking Wisconsin or Marquette out of the tournament
I’ll be pissed, but I can’t help but respect them. To put it in perspective, the Wisconsin
Badgers are the love of my life, but the Kentucky Wildcats in basketball and
the Oregon Ducks in football are the hot girls you meet at the bars who make
you think “damn, if only I was single…”
That was a terrible analogy.
I’m blaming it on my current sobriety.
Holy shit, I just realized Halloween is only two weeks
away. Hooray.
Something smells weird in my room (which from this point on
will be referred to as the Chamber of Secrets) and I have no idea where it’s
coming from.
Felix Baumgartner. 128,000 feet. One man, one parachute, ten minutes, and one
enormous pair of testicles.
Don’t miss the picks next week, when I rejoice over the
upcoming Badger victory and break down why the Chode Picks are far superior to
Pucking Sports.
- Chode Out.
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