Chode Picks – Week 3

They said we couldn’t do it. They said we were past our prime, washed up and might as well tear up the blueprint to start over. The sportswriters, media talking heads and even most fans could all agree on one thing: we were finished. No Leaders Division championship, no Big Ten title, and certainly no Rose Bowl. Boos rained down upon the famed Camp Randall turf, foreshadowing a return to the mediocrity that plagued Wisconsin in years past. The Badger football team, down 14-3 at halftime to the mighty Aggies of Utah State, were all but left for dead. Inside the Wisconsin locker room, 120 men were faced with a choice: either accept their fate as the team that brought UW back down to earth, or turn down the suck, turn up the awesome and come out and kick some Western Athletic Conference ass. The rest is history. 
I’m sure you all watched as freshman quarterback Joel Stave and sophomore receiver Kenzel Doe rallied the Badgers to a momentous victory over the vaunted Aggies, so I’ll spare you the recap of the second half, except for the final few seconds, as Utah State kicker Josh Thompson wilted under the pressure of attempting to hand Wisconsin their first home loss since 2008. After the miss, the majority of the crowd let out a huge sigh of relief, gave a few quick “Let’s get drunk!” chants, and hustled their asses out of the stadium. However, if you were watching carefully, you may have been able to see one drunken asshole at the top of section L screaming like a maniac and frantically high-fiving any other remaining fans without shame.

Chode: WE DID IT!!! WE BEAT UTAH STATE!!!!!
Less drunk fan: uh, congrats?
Chode: NOBODY BELIEVED IN US!!!
Asshole McBuzzkill: You can’t be serious
Chode: BRING ON UTEP!!!
Security guard: What the hell’s your problem kid?
Chode: I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY MORE TIMES I’LL GET TO DO THIS!!

Regardless, I am determined not to let the collective pessimism of BadgerNation ruin my football season. As of right now, we’re 2-1, we’ve got one of the best players in the country in Montee Ball, and the Big Ten opener is still over a week away. No reason to panic, there will be plenty of time for that later. Also, I’d like to thank our fine offensive line for turning UW’s preseason slogan, “This fall belongs to Ball” into a complete joke. Thanks guys. I propose we change it to something more fitting like, “This road belongs to Chode” (it’s really a shame that there aren’t more words that rhyme with Chode). Anyways, we should be in for one hell of a game tomorrow against the UTEP Miners, so make sure you drag yourself out of bed in time for kickoff. As always, there will be a plentiful supply of beer, Stacon and Q-Bombs at 1206 Bowen. By the way, this week’s edition of the Chode Picks is brought to you by Shock Top Belgian White. I don’t often drink good beer, but when I do, I prefer it to be leftover from the 40-year olds that tailgate in my backyard. Much appreciated.

Chode’s All Stars (1-1) vs Stafford Infection (1-1)

That’s more like it, Eli. He might be the most unathletic player in the NFL, but there are some days when I forget that I’m watching the “inferior” Manning. He’s almost been good enough to distract me from the depressing reality that both of my starting RBs are injured. I guess that’s what I get for drafting Matt Forte. I won’t say that I wasn’t warned. Never underestimate the futility of Chicago sports teams. By the way, I’m calling dibs on Andre Brown. Nobody else can pick him up. I’m serious. Don’t test me.

Chode’s All Stars by 400

Team Beaupre Jared Sucks (0-2) vs Star Performer (0-2)

Stop the presses! Mike Beaupre is 0-2!! Over the past five years, there have been precious few weeks that ended with Team Beaupre looking up at Chode’s All Stars in the league standings, and frankly I don’t expect it to last much longer, so I might as well savor it while I can. Personally, I think he’s suffering from what I like to call “married athlete syndrome”. I can’t count the number of superstar athletes in my short lifetime that have gotten hitched and seen their production fall off of a cliff. Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Chad Johnson, Rory McIlroy, Caroline Wozniak, Chris Bosh… the list goes on. I really think I’m on to something here. Wait… shit. LeBron got engaged this offseason. Son of a bitch. Let’s hope Aaron Rodgers stays single forever. Also Kenne, you spelled “Starr” wrong.

Star Performer by 15

ABC – It’s Easy as RG3 (2-0) vs Mondolockdown (2-0)

I tried to tell you about Griffin. You didn’t listen. The truth is, he’s just not an NFL-ready quarterback yet. Until he learns how to be a pocket passer and make plays with his arm instead of his feet, the Redskins will remain shitty. It’s that simple. He’s a lesser version of Scam Newton, and you saw what happened to Carolina last night. To make matters worse, Griffin is already bitching about getting hit too much. Best case scenario is he turns into a homeless man’s Mike Vick (minus the dogfighting), and worst case scenario is he turns into Jay Cutler with dreadlocks. Either way, it’s not going to be pretty. Anyways, in what world does it make sense that Mondolockdown is 2-0? Maybe the Mayans were right.

Mondolockdown by 17

No Names (1-1) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-2)

Apparently I was right. Levi legitimately didn’t know that he was in our league until a few days ago. Just goes to show you that the less you know about fantasy football, the better off you are. Either that or he was too busy taking his talents to South Beach to pay attention. Regardless Joo, I’m going to get more and more bitter as it gets colder up here in Wisconsin. It was awful nice of your Vikings to let Andrew Luck get his first win last week. And don’t give me any shit about the Gophers being 3-0. I refuse to acknowledge them as a real football team until they win at least one of their four “rivalry” games. The Axe stays here, for now and forever. Anyways, Nate is due for a win.

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 3

I’m thinking RBs (1-1) vs Forgetting Brandon Marshall (1-1)

I’m really not all that excited about this matchup, so I’m just gonna skip it and write about the Packers-Seahawks Monday night game instead. In case you were trapped under a rock last week, Russell Wilson guided Seattle to his first career NFL win over Dallas. It was a moment that made us here in Madison feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like watching one of your children learn to walk, or something like that. In fact, I think I’m naming my first kid (boy or girl) Russell Wilson Quilling. Has a nice ring to it. However, despite my gigantic man-crush, this week poor Russell is playing against a legitimate contender, and I fully expect Clay Matthews to plant Wilson’s charismatic ass into the turf at Qwest Field. Bill Simmons even picked the Seahawks to win, and if you’ve learned anything from the Chode Picks, it should be that Bill Simmons is never right about anything. Ever. 

Forgetting Brandon Marshall by 19
Packers by 20

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (2-0) vs Moore is Less (1-1)

Hockey. That’s what I wanted to get to next. The most uninteresting major sport in America. Unless you’re Canadian or even worse, Minnesotan, you might not have heard that the NHL lockout has officially overlapped with the start of the regular season. It’s beautiful. The state to our immediate west finally got their shit together and signed a couple of superstars (Zach Parise and Ryan Suter), only to see their chance at contending for a real man-sports championship sail wide right like a Gary Anderson field goal. Friends, it’s probably best just to face the truth at this point: God does not want you to be successful. Time to throw in the towel and go buy a cheesehead. You’ll thank yourself later.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 4

Time for the latest on the premier sporting occasion of the fall, the 2012 Dean’s Cup. After opening up a 38-point lead on those J.D. a-holes through half of the events, we split the past four, despite the fact that I was too hungover to make it to volleyball, flag football or the 5k run. At this point, we’d have to lose just about every remaining competition for the lawyers to have a reasonable chance at catching up. Not happening. In a related story, I feel like I should apologize to you all for the Chode Picks so far this year. The sad truth is, I simply don’t have enough free time to write seven pages a week like I did during the summer. There’s just too much damn schoolwork to be done, and unfortunately, I don’t see myself making a living as a writer. The only alternative would be skipping Badger or Packer games, and you sure as hell know that’s not happening. All in all though, it’s been a pretty good life since school started, since most of my classmates are pretty cool (surprisingly athletic too), and school actually poses a challenge for once, which is strangely refreshing. The best part of all though, is the reaction I get from people at bars when they ask what I’m going to school for. Apparently “society” has the perception that you can’t stay out until barclose on a weekday, drink all day on Saturday and still go to school to become a doctor. The truth is, most of the older med students I talk to tell me that they wish they had partied more during their first year while they had the chance. Trust me when I say that I will not have the same regret. One of my favorite things to do now when I meet strangers is to tell them I’m in med school, and then find the stupidest, most ridiculous thing I can say without them calling bullshit. So far, the best two I’ve had are “I never learned to read analog clocks” and “I can never remember if my birthday is on the 18th or 19th.” This should be a warning to all of you not to ask me about your health problems. At this point, I don’t know shit, and I’m going to tell you something retarded. Anyways, it’s completely possible to drink three nights a week in med school, as long as you’re like me, a blistering hurricane of efficiency for the other four days. Also, I’ve noticed that saying “I’m in med school” is a hell of a lot more effective than saying “I’m pre-med” when it comes to picking up girls. Just don’t abuse it, otherwise you come across as a douchebag. 
With that said, next weekend is the weekend before our first block of exams, so I imagine that the Chode Picks will be shorter. Sorry in advance.

Before we call it a wrap this week, I’d just like to say that the idea of trusting the Badger offense to a 19-year old kid had me scared to death, up until last night, when I found this video. Enjoy.

- Chode Out.