Chode Picks - Week 1

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, friends, enemies and my fellow Americans, welcome to the extraordinary, unprecedented SEVENTH season of the Chode Picks!!! It’s been one hell of an offseason, but since most of you (hopefully) stuck it through all of my ranting about basketball and the Olympics, I actually don’t have a whole lot of new sporting events to run through, so with one exception, I’ll skip over the bullshit and get to the goods. 

Naturally, I want to write about the second-most shocking sports story of the year, only behind the Penn State rape scandal: Lance Armstrong quitting the fight against his doping allegations. To be honest, the fact that Armstrong probably cheated isn’t all that surprising, the shocking part is that he’s giving up the fight, considering that the words “quit” and “Lance Armstrong” don’t belong in the same sentence. Thank you, USADA, for tainting the most inspiring athlete of my lifetime. For the record, I really don’t give a damn if Lance doped himself before races, for two important reasons. First, it’s become pretty obvious by now that competitive cycling is the most corrupt sport on the planet. If my math is correct (and it might not be, I’m pretty buzzed right now and don’t feel like double-checking), 14 of the past 17 Tour de France winners were later stripped of their titles. So who really gives a damn if Lance was cheating along with the rest of them? The second and more important reason is that Lance Armstrong has probably done more for the advancement of cancer research than anyone in the history of the world. If he had to cheat his way to a few cycling titles to do it, that’s fine with me. The ends justify the means. End rant.

Since it’s been at least a month since we last met, I feel like I need to update you all on the new developments in my life, since you all care so much. About a month ago the Chode relocated from my longtime home on Fahrenbrook Court to a few blocks further south of campus. More importantly, I moved in with two girls (from this point on I’ll refer to us as “The Three Best Friends”) It’s been working out pretty well, despite their ridiculous insistence that I need to start doing things like “wearing clothes”, “washing dishes instead of using a million styrofoam plates”, and “cooking real food” (even though anybody with just a little bit of brainpower knows that if you can’t make it on a Pizzaz pizza oven then ITS NOT WORTH EATING!). Regardless, there are a few things I’ve learned that come with the territory when you start living with girls.
- Your house is much cleaner and smells nicer
- There’s usually less beer in your fridge
- When you walk home from the bars with your roommates, everyone thinks you’re a stud (which I totally am, ladies)
- They’re much smaller and scare easily

More importantly, convinced the DirecTV guy to include NFL Sunday Ticket in our TV package, which is going to make my fantasy team even more unstoppable this year. So when your team gets stomped by Chode’s All Stars, direct your complaints to her. On to football.

Congratulations to the Wisconsin football team, who set a school record with their 16th consecutive home victory by eking out a 5-point win over powerhouse Northern Iowa last weekend. I’m not going to lie, I was a little worried after watching our offensive line get manhandled by a bunch of FCS scrubs, but luckily Bielema and Alvarez had the foresight to schedule three more games against nonconference creampuffs to help the team get their collective shit together. On a more positive note, at least we weren’t dumb enough to think we could play with the best team in the country in their own backyard (here’s to you, Michigan!). Anyways, as long as we’re on the topic of college football, I’d like to try something different this year. In past seasons of the Chode Picks, I’ve usually waited until December to make my college bowl predictions, but considering my recent streak of brilliance in predicting sporting events, I think I’ll just go ahead and tell you all who’s going to be playing in the BCS bowls right now. In order of least important to most important:

ORANGE BOWL: FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES vs ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Yeah, I think this is the year that FSU finally plays up to their talent level and wins the ACC. In the immortal words of Lebron James, “It’s about damn time”. It seems like a ritual of the fall every year when the ‘Noles start the year in the top 10 only to suffer a few embarrassing losses and end up in a second-tier bowl game. Considering how laughably easy their schedule is this year though, I think they can manage to get by with just one loss. Should be enough to put them in position to get Sandusky’d by the third-best team in the SEC.

FIESTA BOWL: WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTANEERS vs NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS

Quick note: I don’t think Nebraska will make it to the Big Ten Championship game this year. However, taking second in their division should be enough to vault them past the loser of the championship game for an at-large bid, just like Michigan last year. Also, congratulations to West Virginia on claiming the Princeton Review’s #1 party school ranking for 2012. I’ve never been to Morgantown, WV, but I imagine it’s probably a lot like Madison, only smaller with more inbreeding and fewer teeth.

SUGAR BOWL: LSU TIGERS vs OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS

First of, congrats to the Cowboys on their glorious, 84-0 victory over Savannah State last Saturday. You sure showed those cocky Division 1-AA assholes! Stay classy, Mike Gundy. You might have noticed that I’ve already put two SEC teams in the BCS, and we haven’t even gotten to Alabama yet. Yes, it pains me to admit this, but the Southeastern Conference really is that much better than the rest of college football. As much as I despise Nick Saban and all of the arrogant SEC fans (believe it or not, I was actually CHEERING FOR MICHIGAN last Saturday), they’re right. In fact, I think there’s only one team with the balls to put an end to the SEC’s reign of terror, and I think most of you are going to be pretty pissed when you find out who in the next paragraph.

BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE vs OREGON DUCKS

Yup. Before you punch your computer screen, let me explain. For a very long time, I have held a deep admiration for Oregon football. I love their lightning-fast style of play, I respect their players for being honest enough to publicly admit that they all smoke pot, and honestly, they’re just fun as hell to watch. And yes, for a few months after New Years Day 2012, my admiration turned into a deep, seething hatred due to events that I’m not comfortable discussing at this time, but I think with the start of a new season, I’m ready to forgive them and move on. Also, I found this video last week, and I could not stop laughing (you're damn right I learned how to use hyperlinks). Don’t get me wrong, if we end up playing them in Pasadena again, I’ll flip the hate switch right back on, but for now, Go Duc..(cough). Ahem. Go Du..(ack!). Whoops. Maybe not just yet. I’ll give it some time.

ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY VIZIO: WISCONSIN BADGERS VS USC TROJANS

Son of a bitch. We have to win one eventually, right?

Okay, enough bullshit. Let’s get to the main course, fantasy football. First of all, I’d like to congratulate the winner of the 2012 Sorry For Partying league draft, me. Take a look at my team. It’s magnificent. Truly a work of art. I pity the fools who cross my path this year. Finally, after six seasons of disappointment, Chode’s All Stars are poised to take home the league championship. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Chode’s All Stars (0-0) vs No Names(0-0)

Its fitting that I’m starting my title run against my oldest rival, Levi “eye of the Joo” Hartz. To be completely honest though, our once-intense rivalry has lost some of its luster in recent years, mainly due to his incompetence as a team owner. Come on Joo, pull it together for old time’s sake. I could use a challenge. Not this week though. In Jimmy Graham we trust.

Chode’s All Stars by 14

ABC – Its Easy as RG3 (0-0) vs Duck Hunter (0-0)

First of all, congratulations to Commissioner Kenne for missing his own fantasy draft last week. Your dedication knows no boundaries. Somehow though, you ended up with a pretty damn good team, which is more than I can say for Dave. Listen up Radcliffe, because I’m only going to say this once: “ROBERT GRIFFIN IS NOT A LEGITIMATE STARTING FANTASY QUARTERBACK!” Good Lord. Winning this league is going to be even easier than I thought.

Duck Hunter by 10

I’m thinking RB’s (0-0) vs Team Beaupre Go Pack Go (0-0)

Damn it, Boom. You know I can’t pick you after you heartlessly stole Russell Wilson from me in the draft. Unforgivable. Anyways, I know I might be a little late to join the bandwagon, but between Wilson, Matt Flynn and Darrell Bevell on the Seahawks’ staff, I can’t help but root for them this year. Despite only spending one year in Madison, Russell is probably one of my favorite Badgers of all-time. His leadership and charisma remind me of Tim Tebow, only if Tebow could actually throw an accurate pass. Between the Thunder losing in the NBA Finals and Wilson’s arrival, things might actually be looking up in Seattle.

Team Beaupre Go Pack Go by eight hundred

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself (0-0) vs Its on like Ndamukong (0-0)

Wow. Color me shocked that Eric didn’t manage to get either Matt Stafford or Calvin “Madden Curse” Johnson on his roster. I’m really not sure if he knows he’s still in the league. Somebody should probably give him a heads-up. Other than that, both of these teams look pretty damn good. Except we all know Vick is going to miss at least three games. And we all (should) know that there’s no way Cam Newton can rush for 8 touchdowns again this season. I’m expecting a pretty big sophomore slump from Cam. You heard it here first.

I Plaxidentally Shot Myself by 5

Moore is Less (0-0) vs Mondolockdown (0-0)

Monster matchup here. (Announcer voice): In the red corner, we have Brandon Mondlock, who finished with two wins last season and hasn’t updated his fantasy team in approximately three years!! And in the blue corner, we have Will Brydon, the only man to finish in the bottom third of the league every year of its existence, and who is a confirmed Bear fan!! LETS GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMMMMBLLLLEEEE!!!!! Ah, what the hell. I’m flipping a coin.

Moore is Less by $0.25

Boobs (0-0) vs Red Hot Chodey Peppers (0-0)

Touche, Nate. Truly a brilliant fantasy team name. A nod to one of my favorite bands that also strokes my ego. It almost makes me want to acknowledge your league “championship” last season. Almost. Maybe if you trade me Greg Jennings we’ll get there. Anyways, you’re probably going to win again this week, because that’s what you do, you jackass.

Red Hot Chodey Peppers by 13

Chode Sports Update!! Today was the start of the Dean’s Cup competition between the UW Med School and Law Schools. The Dean’s Cup is an annual tradition of sporting events between UW’s future doctors and lawyers, designed to promote camaraderie and good sportsmanship while allowing the good people of the med school to assert their dominance over those scumbag ambulance chasers from the start. Anyways, the first event today was Ultimate Frisbee, which some genius decided to schedule at the ungodly early hour of 10:00AM. Luckily, I managed to roll out of bed at 9:45 this morning and drag my still-drunk ass to the fields for the game. Despite my less-than-perfect condition, we beat the holy hell out of the bloodsuckers, racing out to a 6-0 lead before letting up and coasting to a 9-2 victory. Don’t let the final score fool you, this was a true dismantling. Like, an Alabama over Michigan style beat down. Score one for the good guys.

Before we call it a wrap this week, I’d like to invite all of you in Madison to come pregame at the casa de Chode before Badger games this year. The Three Best Friends threw our first pregame fiesta this past Saturday, and it was outstanding. I probably underestimated how much fun it would be living in the epicenter of the Wisconsin Gameday experience, but now I think I’m starting to appreciate it. Also, if you show up and willingly admit to reading the Chode Picks, I’ll hook you up with some free Stacon. What the hell is Stacon? Well, I’m glad you asked. Stacon is possibly the most delicious food ever conceived by man. Stacon covers the entire food pyramid, and then some. On the eighth day, God created Stacon and passed it down to Chode to bless the gracious citizens of BadgerNation. In short, Stacon is bacon fried with steak seasoning. And it’s motherfucking delicious. Unless you’re a vegetarian. And in that case, you can lick my taint.
Stacon and Q-Bombs: the breakfast of champions.

- Chode Out.