Chode Picks - NBA Playoffs Round 1

Hide your daughters and shoot your sons, the Chode is back in business!! After a painful three-month hiatus, the Chode Picks have made their triumphant return to add to your end-of-semester apathy. I don’t know if I can express how frustrating the last twelve weeks have been, without an outlet to express my creative genius. It’s been like three months of mental blue balls, if that makes any sense. Taking the analogy way too far, that means that writing the Picks is equivalent to my creative ejaculation, of which you are all the lucky recipients (Mom, I’m truly sorry for that analogy. You might want to stop reading).

Anyways, you might be wondering what I’m going to be writing about, since there’s no football to speak of until August. The answer is simple: NBA and NHL playoffs. With the first round of the NHL’s tournament coming to a close and the NBA postseason starting this Saturday, now is as good of a time as ever to start the picks up again. Also, I’ll be focusing more on the NBA, since I can’t take any professional league seriously that has multiple franchises in Canada. So go ahead and take a moment to prepare yourself for the magical ride to the NBA finals, courtesy of yours truly. I’ll be writing before every round starts, which should come out to once every two weeks or so. We’ve got a lot to cover since the last time I wrote, so let’s get started. 

First off, we’re one week away from the greatest day of the year. Better than Christmas, better than my birthday, even better than Halloween, that’s right: the Mifflin Street Block Party. Whatever personal, professional or legal obligations are keeping you from being in Madison next Saturday, you need to set them aside and get your ass here. If you’ve never been to Mifflin before, I’m sorry, but you’ve been robbed of what could possibly be the craziest days of your life. Last year, the Madison Police Department detox center was full by 8:00 AM. Imagine the wildest party you’ve ever been to, multiply it by 1,000, and stretch it out over 24 hours. That’s what you’ve been missing out on. Don’t make the same mistake again. Jared Sawle, I’m looking directly at you. Also, if any of the rest of you guys are coming down, hit me up.

Alright, time to get to sports. Time to tackle the biggest offseason sports story of the year. No, not the Saints. Not Peyton Manning. Not even Tim Tebow (I’ll get to all of those eventually). I’m talking about Ryan Joseph Braun. Props to the best baseball player in the National League for pulling a Lance Armstrong and an O.J. Simpson on the MLB. Honestly, I don’t know what to believe about PED use in professional sports anymore, but at the same time, I really don’t care that much either. If you play professional sports and want to shoot yourself up with drugs that could kill you in 20 years, go right ahead. You’ll probably hate your life after you retire anyways. Also, PEDs might be the key to staying in front of China this summer at the 2012 Olympics. Hell, if it were up to me, I’d make PED use mandatory for all professional athletes, and work towards making them less life-threatening. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but my point was this: Ryan Braun’s is innocent, and his innocence is surpassed only by his awesomeness. Go Brewers. Also, fuck you Prince.

By the way, the NFL Draft just started while I’ve been writing. Forgive me for a few outbursts.

I’m going to be honest with you. I had my doubts about this NBA season early on. The offseason lockout, combined with a compressed schedule made for some really shitty basketball in the first month of the season. Predictably though, the NBA’s star players rose to the occasion to dig David Stern out of the massive hole that he and the owners dug themselves. Thanks to fantastic seasons by Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Kevin Love, Rajon Rondo and others, the Association managed to rise back to relevance and pulled off one hell of a season. Also, some guy named LeBron James played pretty well. To put it in perspective statistically, LeBron just had the same kind of regular season that Aaron Rodgers did, and he’s about to win his third MVP for the effort, along with his first ever Finals MVP. Yeah that’s right. You heard it here first. The LeBron James-led Miami Heat are about to roll through the NBA playoffs and claim their second NBA title in the past decade. As a fan, watching the 2012 Miami Heat has been fantastic. Every time LeBron, Wade and Bosh take the court together, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Heat are going to win. In my lifetime, only three teams have instilled that kind of confidence in me: the 1996 Green Bay Packers, the 2011 Green Bay Packers, and the 2012 Miami Heat. One of those teams won a title, another lost their first playoff game, and the third has yet to be decided. If you can’t tell, I’m all in on the Heat this year. You see, when Miami was struggling a few weeks ago, I had two choices. I could either be cautiously optimistic and hedge my bets on the Heat, or go all-out, be cocky as hell and hope they don’t make me look like an idiot. If you’ve been reading the Chode Picks for a while, you already know what route I picked. So for the past three weeks, I’ve been verbally harassing anyone I see wearing a Chicago Bulls or New York Knicks jersey in Madison (there are more than you’d think). I even made a slap bet on it. That’s the kind of attitude you have to have when the stakes are this high. For the Miami Heat, anything less than a championship will be considered a failure. So if I’m Erik Spolestra, I’m saying “Screw it. We’re already the bad guys, might as well run with it. I want ridiculous, over-the-top player introductions. I want LeBron beating his chest and Bosh screaming his goofy-looking head off after every dunk. I want confetti falling from the rafters after every single playoff win, and I want a parade after every series. We’re the Miami Heat, and we’re better than you. Deal with it, America.”
Now, I realize that outside of South Beach, I might be one of the only people in the country that wants the Heat to win the Finals this year, and that’s fine with me. Everyone likes to root for the underdog, but the truth is that in real life, better people almost always win. The sooner that everyone else realizes it, the better off we’ll all be. I’m sick of watching the privileged elite being crushed under the heel of the common man. I’m the kind of guy who roots for the odds-on favorite, like the Kentucky Wildcats in the NCAA tournament or Cato in the Hunger Games. So to recap: screw everyone else, go Heat. Sometimes you’re the favorite because you fucking deserve it.

Good God, Morris Claiborne is an idiot. A four on the Wonderlic? Out of fifty? Fucking four!?!?! Seriously? Congratulations Dallas, you just gave up a king’s ransom to trade up and take the stupidest player in NFL history. In a league with Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens, that’s saying something.

Before I get to writing about the first-round matchups in this year’s playoffs though, I want to take a moment to salute the Charlotte Bobcats, who just yesterday finished the regular season with the worst record in NBA history at 7-59. The Bobcats managed to lose the last 23 games of the regular season and set a new standard in professional sports futility. The best part is, the one man that shoulders the blame for this god-awful performance is none other than Michael Jeffery Jordan. Apparently not satisfied with being the greatest NBA player of all time, Jordan set out to claim the title of worst owner of all time as well. Well played, Michael. The sad part is, I watched some of those Bobcat games, and they were actually trying to win, unlike the Wizards, who started blatantly tanking for Anthony Davis sometime in late February.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

San Antonio Spurs (50-16) vs Utah Jazz (36-30)

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: The top-seeded Spurs, after revamping their roster, surge to the best record in the league only to face a young, athletic eight-seed with a loaded frontcourt. Yup, I’ve already seen this movie. It doesn’t end well for Tim Duncan and company. You heard it here first; UPSET SPECIAL JAZZ OVER SPURZZZZZZ!!!!!

Jazz in six.

Oklahoma City Thunder (47-19) vs The Team From The West That Shall Not Be Named (36-30)

Fuck you, Dirk. 

Thunder in five.

Shit. Bears got Shea McClellin. I wanted him.

Los Angeles Lakers (41-25) vs Denver Nuggets (38-28)

I, along with the rest of the country, am deeply disappointed that we didn’t get to see a Lakers/Clippers first round matchup, if only because it would have been fun watching Kobe jack up terrible shots on one end while Chris Paul schooled him by playing super-efficient on the other. At this point in his career, you can practically see Kobe counting down the number of career points that he needs to pass Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. The Laker’s dirty little secret this season is that Kobe is playing the least efficient ball of his career, while Andrew Bynum is becoming the 2nd best big man in the game. When the Lake Show pounds the rock down low with Bynum and Pau Gasol, they’re almost impossible to beat, but Kobe won’t let it happen. I’m still picking them to win this series, just because the thought of James Harden and his beard exacting revenge on Metta World Peace in round 2 makes me giggle with excitement.

Lakers in six.

BOOM!! Nick Perry!! Great pick. If I remember correctly, the last pass-rusher we took from USC turned out pretty well.

Memphis Grizzlies (41-25) vs Los Angeles Clippers (40-26)

Ah yes, the Grizzlies, everyone’s “sleeper” team. Well, I hate to be the one to rain on their parade, but once LITERALLY EVERYONE starts calling you a “sleeper”, you’re not exactly flying under the radar anymore. Also, if Zach Randolph isn’t at 100%, I don’t trust these guys. And I know this sounds like something that no sane, rational and sober person would ever say (two out of three ain’t bad), but I trust the Clippers. More specifically, I trust Chris Paul. With the clock winding down and the game on the line, there’s no one else I’d rather have with the ball. So the Clippers are my “sleeper” team for the 2012 playoffs. I’ve got them making it to the Western Conference finals, at least. And if Blake Griffin ever decides to stop dunking for like, five fucking minutes and learn how to play some defense, they could go further.

Clippers in five.

Quick side note: I woke up at 8:30 this morning. It’s now 2:56 and I feel like absolute shit. I haven’t gotten out of bed that early since sophomore year. Is this what normal people do every day? I thought about taking a nap and writing the rest of the picks later, but I settled on eating a handful of espresso beans and powering through it instead. You’re welcome.

EASTERN CONFERENCE:

Chicago Bulls (50-16) vs Philadelphia 76ers (35-31)

First off, congratulations to the 76ers for successfully tanking the last week of the season in order to avoid playing Miami in the first round. Seriously. Evan Turner even admitted last week, when asked what the 8 seed would mean to them that “it means we dodged the better team”. At least he’s honest. Unfortunately for Philadelphia though, they don’t have a chance in hell against the Bulls either, even if Derrick Rose is less than 100%. I hope I’m wrong, because there’s nothing I enjoy more than watching Chicago teams choke away their seasons (here’s to you, Bears, Cubs and Blackhawks!), but I don’t see it happening here.

Bulls in six.

Miami Heat (46-20) vs New York Knicks (36-30)

Damn it, this is the one team that I wanted to avoid in the first round. As bad as New York has been this season, they’re the one team in the conference that has the star power to match up with LeBron, Dwyane and Chris. I don’t think they’ll be able to get their shit together and take four games from Miami, but there’s always the threat of Carmelo going off for 40 points per game, and that worries me a little. Also, I have a bet on this series. One of my good friends is a Knicks fan, and we came to the agreement that whoever loses this series has to yell the opposing teams star player’s name during sex. So I’m crossing my fingers and knocking on wood that my Mifflin experience next week won’t end with a cry of “JEREMY LIN!” coming from my bedroom.

Heat in five.

Indiana Pacers (42-24) vs Orlando Magic (37-29)

Good God, Dwight Howard. Are you trying to make sure no one ever buys your jersey again? Sadly, I think we all know where this tired saga is headed: another full year of D12 trade rumors and mediocre basketball from the Magic. This team used to be fun to watch, too. Fortunately, there’s a simple solution to this problem, but I don’t think that Magic general manager Otis Smith has the balls to pull the trigger on it: trade Dwight Howard for Chris Bosh. Yes, Orlando is losing that trade, but it’s better than any other trade offer they’re getting, and it’s a hell of a lot better than losing Howard for nothing in free agency next summer. Come on Pat Riley, I know you’ve got one more blockbuster move in you. Make it happen. As for the other team in this series, the Pacers have quietly become one of the best teams in the NBA, behind good coaching, solid defense and unselfish play. In fact, if they weren’t in the same conference as Miami, I’d probably pick them to make the Finals. They’re that good. Also, Danny Granger turned his house into a Batcave, which is awesome. The Dwight-less Magic are about to end up on the wrong end of a four-game sweep.

Pacers in four.

Boston Celtics (39-27) vs Atlanta Hawks (40-26)

See if you can follow me here. Boston is seeded fourth, since they won their division, while Atlanta is fifth even though the Hawks have a better record. But the Hawks have home court advantage in this series, despite being a lower seed. In summary, the NBA’s playoff seeding makes absolutely no sense. Anyways just about everyone at ESPN has already penciled the Celtics into the second round against Chicago, despite the fact that the Hawks have been on fire lately and the combined age of Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce is somewhere around 167 years. So yeah, I’m gonna go against the grain here and pick Atlanta, even if it violates the cardinal rule of NBA gambling: Never Trust The Hawks. Up yours, Bill Simmons.

Hawks in seven.

A couple more thoughts before we wrap it up this week.

Congratulations to the Wisconsin Badgers Men’s Basketball team for advancing to the sweet sixteen for the second year in a row. I’m fairly certain that Wisconsin was the only school in the country that played in a BCS bowl game and made it to the round of 16 this year. So that kicks ass. However, it’s become increasingly obvious to me that the Badger basketball team is cursed. Let me explain. You see, two years ago, the Chode was hanging out, drinking and doing Chode things at one of his favorite bars just off of State Street. At a certain point, he ordered a gin and tonic and began to make his way to the upstairs of the bar, only to be run into by a very tall, red-haired gentleman, who managed to spill Chode’s drink all over him. Rather than graciously apologizing and offering to buy Chode a new drink, the big, gangly asshole just looked him in the face, paused, then walked away without saying a word. At that moment, Chode swore to himself that as long as Mike Bruesewitz was on the Wisconsin basketball team, they would not advance past the sweet sixteen. Call it the Curse of the Brueser. Now, if by some strange turn of events that ginger dick ends up reading this, a simple apology is all it would take to reverse the curse. And perhaps a gin and tonic. I don’t ask for much.

Holy shit. Six pages. That might be a Chode Picks record.

This week’s Chode Picks are brought to you by dollarshaveclub.com.

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Requiem

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I’m not sure that my mere words are capable of describing the shocking, improbable upset that we all witnessed last week. In any field of competition, upsets are to be expected, but there’s a big difference between the garden-variety “upsets” that we see every year, and the kind of momentous, earth-shaking underdog victory that took place last weekend. Unbelievable. Just in case you’ve been completely cut off from society for the past seven days, I’ll fill you in on the most shocking contest that I’ve ever witnessed in my life, one that redefined the very essence of victory and gave the state of Wisconsin it’s finest hour.
Of course, I’m referring to Miss Wisconsin’s glorious victory in the 2012 Miss America Pageant. Despite being a heavy underdog, Laura Kaeppeler (from here on referred to as the Goddess of Wisconsin) worked her way through the preliminary elimination rounds, surviving with a combination of veteran savvy, unflappable confidence, and a smokin’ hot body. The Goddess of Wisconsin soon found herself facing a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the final round, going up against heavily favored Miss New York. Like a true champion though, she beat the odds and emerged victorious, solidifying Wisconsin’s claim to the title of Greatest State of All Time. 

Also, I think there was a football game on last weekend, but I’m not sure. Moving on.

Just kidding. I need a second to compose myself, otherwise my head is going to explode in anger. The hatred that I feel for Elisha Nelson Manning and his band of idiots is a raging inferno that has only been doused over the past seven days by a river of Natural Light. To be completely honest though, I wasn’t totally shocked by the Green Bay loss on Sunday. By the end of the regular season, it had become apparent to me that the Packers had peaked WAY too early, probably sometime around week 10. It was also obvious that our defense wasn’t anywhere near championship-caliber. For 15 weeks, Aaron Rodgers and company were spectacular enough to compensate, but when luck finally turned against the Packers in the form of fumbles, questionable calls and dropped passes (Seriously, Finley? Catch the fucking ball), it wasn’t enough. And even though I could see the loss coming from a mile away, it didn’t make it any less painful. Watching the final seconds of our season tick away as the Giants celebrated in Lambeau was a worse feeling than realizing my fly is still up after I’ve started urinating. The one thing that did take some of the sting away was knowing that less than a year ago the Green and Gold claimed their thirteenth NFL title, and at least for the next two weeks, we’re still World Champions. Also, at 15-2, the Green Bay Packers will finish the 2011-2012 season with the best winning percentage in the league, regardless of who wins the Super Bowl.

Anyways, here are the main takeaways from the 2011-12 season from an NFC North perspective. If it seems like I’m grasping for straws and desperately trying to find a silver lining, it’s because I am.

- The Green Bay Packers are going to be Super Bowl contenders for at least another five years. At least.

- If you would have told me at the start of the season that the Packers would finish 15-2, with Aaron Rodgers having the best regular season in NFL history and claiming the MVP, I would have taken it, even if I knew we weren’t winning the Super Bowl again. My friends, we just enjoyed one hell of a season. Even with the disappointing finish, we have a lot to be proud of.

- Jay Cutler will never be a championship-caliber quarterback.

- The Detroit Lions have replaced the Chicago Bears as the primary threat to the Packer’s divisional dominance.

- Minnesota, welcome to ANOTHER decade of irrelevance! It’s a bit depressing that a Packer playoff loss and a WNBA championship were the highest points of your year. Also, if you were looking for a sign of weakness, I apologize. The only feelings that I have these days are A) Drunk, and B) Awesome. And I can’t help but love the haters, because let’s be honest, we made you.

With that, it’s time to close the book on the Packers’ 2011 season. Until next fall, you stay classy Green Bay.

Speaking of fantastic seasons, Tebow Time finally came to and end last week against the Patriots. I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually expect Denver to win, but I thought they’d at least keep it within two touchdowns. However, it’s obvious to me now that the Broncos can only do two things: win close games in the last minute, or get blown out. There is no in between. As for Tebow himself, his 2011 season was even more polarizing than Michael Vick’s resurgence last year, which is odd when you consider that Vick murdered puppies and Tebow simply loves Jesus and sucks at throwing. Personally, I can’t wait for the sequel (Tequel?) next year.

By the way, if you’re wondering who’s going to take home the Lombardi trophy now that the Packers have been eliminated, I’ll give you a hint: its not the Giants. Or the Patriots. Or the Ravens. That’s right, you better get used to hearing the phrase “Super Bowl MVP Alex Smith”.

Now, I realize that in a few weeks a wave of post-Super Bowl depression is going to hit most of you, along with the false idea that there are no more sports worth watching until next August. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m probably more excited for this offseason than I have been any other year, for more than a few reasons.

First and foremost, the 2012 Olympics. There are two Olympic sports that you absolutely must watch this summer. The first is women’s 2-on-2 sand volleyball, for obvious reasons. I’d like to meet the man who invented that sport (It has to be a man. There’s no other logical explanation) and shake his hand. The second is Olympic basketball. There’s no other sport on Earth that the United States has such a distinct advantage in, and there’s almost nothing as gratifying as watching the USA beat the living hell out of countries like Iran, Syria, China and France. Also, Spain. Fuck Spain. In short, if you don’t watch USA Basketball this summer, you’re a terrible citizen and should probably move to Canada, especially since this year’s team is probably the best the world has seen since the original Dream Team in 1992.

Secondly, I think this is the year that Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will finally fight. It seems more than a little ridiculous that the two best boxers in the world are in the same weight class, yet have never fought each other. Personally, my money is on Pacquiao, but I might be a little biased because I think Mayweather is an arrogant douchebag. Even if you don’t follow boxing, you should watch this fight. It should be the Ali/Frazier of our generation. Cross your fingers that they’re both man enough to make it happen. This fight would make both of them far too much money for them to turn it down.

Last but not least, the NBA. If you’re not watching professional basketball this season, you should be. The league hasn’t had this much talent since the Jordan Era, and there are more than enough elite teams to make for a great season. And if you don’t like watching the NBA because the Bucks are terrible and you don’t know who to root for, just pick a team, for instance Oklahoma City, Miami or the L.A. Clippers. Just don’t pick the Bulls. Or the Lakers. Actually, don’t pick the Clippers either. I’m starting to despise them, because if there’s one thing I can’t stand in sports, its when superstars put aside personal statistics, take less money and join other great players to try to win championships. Just kidding. The real reason that I hate the Clippers is because they beat the Heat last week. In fact I was watching the Clippers-Timberwolves game last night and found myself rooting for the Wolves for most of the game, before I realized it and asked myself “wait, that the fuck are you doing?” And that’s when I realized how much I’ve committed myself to this Heat team; I was rooting for a MINNESOTA SPORTS TEAM JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE PLAYING A TEAM THAT BEAT MIAMI!! Never again, I swear. 

Before I wrap up this season’s final edition of the Chode Picks and head into my offseason activities of mailing heroin to children and making omelets from bald eagle eggs, I want to take a minute to thank all of you for reading and making this such a special season. I honestly think its been the best year in Chode Picks history, and I wouldn’t write if it weren’t for you guys. So thanks again.

And with that, I’d like to announce my decision on a couple of issues that I’ve been debating with myself for a while now: where I’m going to medical school next year, and more importantly, if I’m going to write the Chode Picks again next fall. I think the major factor major reason in my decision was the best opportunity for me to win and to win now and to win into the future also. 

And winning is a huge thing for me. You know ever since I was a rookie or even in high school, we always talked, that was the number one thing for me: Help my teammates get better and just wanting to win. And I've done some great things in my seven years, and I want to continue to do that. So this fall, man this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to keep my talents in Southern Wisconsin and continue to write the Chode Picks at the University of Wisconsin. That was the conclusion I woke up with this morning.

So I hope I can count on you guys to come back again next year. I really think that I’ll be able to maintain the Chode Picks at their current level during the first year of medical school. At the very least, I’m going to try. At this point, if I lost the Chode Picks, I feel like I’d be losing part of myself. Probably the best part of myself. So as of right now, the odds of me not writing the Chode Picks next fall are about the same odds that you have of meeting a real lesbian in a lesbian chatroom. Also, I might write a few times in the offseason. Maybe for Olympic basketball or the NBA Finals. Let me know what you guys think.

Until next season…

-Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Divisional Round

Ladies and gentlemen (mostly gentlemen), welcome to the first-ever NFL Playoff edition of the Chode Picks. After a week off (did you miss me?), I’m back to bring you all of the sports knowledge that you desperately crave. It’s been an eventful two weeks, so let’s get to it.

First off, I am not going to wish any of you a happy new year. Do you know why? Because IT HAS NOT BEEN A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, for a number of reasons. First off, New Year’s Eve kicked my ass. I had to work until 10:30PM, which meant that I was forced to play catch up in regards to drinking (never a good idea). This, combined with bars being open all night, turned me into Drunkasaurus Chode before I knew what hit me. My last coherent memory was yelling “No, YOU put on some pants!” at a police officer before I blacked out. Somehow, I woke up on my friend’s futon at 9:06 AM the next morning. Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem, but unfortunately, I had booked a bus ticket to the airport for 9:00 AM. I sprinted home to grab my bags, then ran to the bus station, all the while fighting the growing sense of dread that told me I might not make it to the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio after all. Luckily, after missing the first bus, I was able to get a spot on the next one, which still gave me enough time to catch my flight. Crisis averted. Unfortunately, the next day I was caught in another disaster, more specifically known as Wisconsin’s defense (or lack thereof). If you didn’t watch the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio, I’ll quickly summarize for you: those Oregon bastards are FAST. To be honest though, I think we all knew this was coming. After watching our defense get torn up by Michigan State, it was pretty obvious that we were going to struggle trying to slow down the Ducks. So to compensate, I stepped up my trash-talking in the hours leading up to the game, insulting and belittling anyone dressed in green and yellow that was dumb enough to cross my path. Oddly, they were a lot more clever and offensive than TCU fans in response, but I put them to shame with rants that would have made Dan LeBatard proud. An example:

“You have injury-prone LaMichael James! We have Heisman finalist Montee Ball!”
“You have the Portland Jailblazers! We have the world champion Green Bay Packers!”
“You have Sam Bowie! We have Vince Lombardi!”
“You have Greg Oden! We have Aaron Rodgers! DISCOUNT DOUBLECHECK!!”
“You live next to Washington! We live next to Minnesota! Shit, you win that one”
“Chip Kelly looks like a homosexual leprechaun!”
“Not a lot of people know this, but Bin Laden went to Oregon!”
“De’Anthony Thomas can’t even read! How did he get into college? Oh wait, he goes to OREGON!!”
“How the hell do you get to play in the Rose Bowl when you’re the third-best team in your own conference?!?”
“You have ugly-ass trees, we have delicious cheese!”
“We’re gonna blow you out like Brandon Roy’s knees!”

And so on. For the most part, they didn’t like me. But I did get a couple of Oregon girls to give me free shots because they thought I was clever. So I’m counting that as a win.

As for the actual game, I know what the rest of the world is saying. Bret Bielema “can’t win the big one”. Bullshit. The Badgers have won a lot of big games over the past three years. Yes, we lost to an inferior TCU team last year, but we also beat a pretty damn good Michigan State team in the Big Ten Championship game. And if I remember correctly, we knocked off the #1 team in the nation last year in the regular season (I noticed that game didn’t make your top 10 Wisconsin sports moments from 2011, Dave. It should have.). Overall, I’m not going to complain about back-to-back Big Ten championships, even if I walked out of the Rose Bowl Game presented by Vizio for the second time in 366 days with the sting of defeat. Its also worth noting that no Big Ten team has ever played in the Rose Bowl game presented by Vizio three years in a row. And in response to the two of you jackasses that blamed me for losing the game because the crowd convinced Bielema to waste a timeout, you’re welcome. You’re welcome for losing the game and thus convincing Montee Ball to come back for his senior season. You can thank me again after he wins the Heisman next December.

On top of Wisconsin’s football failure, the basketball team has dropped three in a row over the past two weeks, including a particularly awful home loss to the Iowa Hawkeyes, the worst team in the Big Ten. Right now, this team only does two things well: play defense and shoot three-pointers. Lately, the three-pointers haven’t been falling. It’s like watching a bunch of Kenne Koehler clones play basketball (actually, considering the majority of our team is slow and white, that’s a really good comparison). I’m still expecting Wisconsin to make the NCAA tournament, but it doesn’t look like we have what it takes to make a deep run this year, unless we catch fire from downtown. We’ll have to wait for Sam Dekker (the white Blake Griffin) next season to take us to the Final Four.

Damn it. As if things weren’t already bad enough, it’s snowing now. All I wanted was one damn winter without any snow. Is that too much to ask? Apparently this is only the start, and tomorrow we’re supposed to get pounded like a nine year-old in the Penn State showers. Ugh.

Fortunately, the state of Wisconsin still has one sports team that can wipe away all of our recent anguish with just three more victories. The Green Bay Packers begin their title defense this week against the New York Giants. Honestly, out of the three teams that the Packers could have played this week (Falcons, Lions and Giants), New York worries me the most. The Falcons and Lions are predictable; they beat bad teams and lose to good teams. With the Giants though, you never know what you’re getting. They could take the Packers down to the wire again, or they could shit the bed and lose by 30. My feeling is that after two weeks off, Rodgers is going to annihilate the Giants’ secondary, and the defense will do enough to keep a comfortable lead. Also, there’s no way this team is losing after dedicating the game to Joe Philbin and his family.

Packers by 10

On a related note, I’d like to call attention to the fact that I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT MATT FLYNN!! You probably laughed to yourself when I said that he would torch the Lions and lead the Packers to victory in week 17. Well who’s laughing now, asshole? Not only did Flynn win, he broke EVERY single-game passing record in franchise history. So I think I’m more than justified in saying that Matthew Clayton Flynn is the greatest quarterback in Packer history. In fact, he played nearly as well as my other personal favorite...

TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TEBOW DID IT AGAIN!! TE-BOW! DID! IT! AGAIN!!
As impressive as Flynn was against Detroit, Tim “Tesus” Tebow was even better against the defending AFC champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Timmy Terrific threw for 316 yards and two touchdowns with a passer rating of 125.6 in addition to rushing for another touchdown and kicking three field goals*. His 80-yard strike to Demaryius Thomas in overtime was purely magical. Slowly but surely, the doubters are turning into believers (Except for you, Jared. Take your “Tebow is the antichrist” theory and shove it up your ass.) When he was drafted, people said “Tebow can’t play in the NFL because he can’t throw”. Later they said “Tebow can’t win games”. Then it was “Tebow can’t lead a team to the playoffs”. Then he “couldn’t win a playoff game”. Just imagine what Tebow “can’t” do next. My prediction: Tebow is going to lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl. And the World Series. And the NBA Finals. 

Also, the Chode would like to thank Tebow and the Broncos for allowing me to win a slap bet with my foolish friend Jared Sawle last week. If I were you Jared, I’d start growing a beard out now, and maybe in three or four years you’ll have enough cushion to save your face from my furious palms.

In fantasy news, I am refusing to acknowledge the winner of the Sorry For Partying league championship, and I request that the commissioner strikes this entire season from the record books on account of Nate’s blatant cheating. Also, I have a few more suggestions to improve the league for next year. First and foremost, we need a trophy. Or a championship belt. Between all of us, I’m sure we can find or build something suitably awesome. Second, we should put money on the league. Nothing huge, but I think throwing in around $15 per person would raise the stakes and make everyone try harder. Third, I think we should do an auction instead of a draft. Just throwing it out there. Let me know what you guys think.

I’ve got a couple more random tangents before we wrap it up this week:

Dear University of Minnesota students, please stop referring to your school as “The U”. That nickname has belonged to University of Miami for over three decades now. If for some reason you’d like to tell somebody where you go to school (I can’t imagine why you would), feel free to tell them that you study at “Hell on Earth”, or “Where Dreams go to Die”, or “The Worst of the Big Ten”, or “The University of Gary Anderson’s Loserville” or even “Not Wisconsin”. Anything but “The U”. The only thing “U” stands for in Minnesota is underachievement. Also, ugly. Like Goldy Gopher.

Speaking of ugly things, baby-faced Eli Manning. All babies are ugly. If you don’t think that babies are ugly, it only means that you haven’t seen enough of them. Stupid, illiterate, jobless leaches. The absolute worst part of my job is when I have to take blood from babies. First they’re laying there in the crib, all smug and shit. Then when you poke them they start crying and making a scene. I want to punt every single one of them. I have a feeling that pediatrics isn’t going to be my specialty. Also, I want to punt Eli Manning’s face. I’m not sure why.

Shout out to the greatest weekend in the history of The Crevice. Thanks to everyone that made it happen. Unfortunately, I probably won’t be able to return until sometime in the late spring or summer. I trust that those of you back home will carry on the tradition proudly.

- Chode Out.

Chode Picks – Week 17

Hello again, ChodeNation, and welcome to the fantasy championship edition of the Chode Picks, brought to you by the bitchin’ Verizon Droid RAZR that I got for Christmas. We’re finally here. After sixteen long weeks of imaginary football struggle, the field has been whittled down to the last two teams standing. Various combinations of injuries, bad luck, poor performances and stupid roster moves have knocked 10 of the 12 teams in the league out of championship contention and into one of the absurdly plentiful five consolation games (seriously, NFL.com? We really need a game to differentiate between 11th and 12th place? Now I have to make up more shit to write about, thanks). Anyways, the winner of this week’s championship game lays claim to 3,000 Chode Points, in addition to eternal bragging rights. That should be all the motivation you guys need. TO THE ‘SHIP!

Championship: Donald Drivehers (14-1) vs Duck Hunter (10-5)

It’s time for me to give credit where credit is due. For the past four years, I’ve been insulting and dismissive when it comes to Nate’s fantasy football team. This year, I’ve repeatedly discounted his league-best record and attributed his success to luck, divine intervention, voodoo, or some combination of all three. However, as the season wore on, it became increasingly clear that one team in this league was head and shoulders above everyone else, and that team’s victories were a result of smart roster moves, innovative strategy and sheer fantasy football brilliance. Nate, I won’t deny it any longer; your team is fantastic, and absolutely deserves to lay claim to the Sorry For Partying league championship. So am I finally going to pick you to win? No fucking way. Do you even read the Chode Picks? As for you Kenne, this may be the most important moment of your young life. You must do everything you can to save us all from the collective humiliation of watching Nate win a championship. LET’S GO KAK!!

Duck Hunter by 1 (I’ll give you more on the Ducks later)

3rd place game: Team Beaupre (10-6) vs No Names (9-6)

Rough week, Mike. First the Pack ends the Bears’ playoff hopes in spectacular fashion (Rodgers threw for 5 TDs for the first time in his career), and then Kenne ends your fantasy title hopes the next day. Sucks to suck. But hey, happy birthday! Actually, I’m not going to lie, turning 22 is kind of a bummer. That’s nearly a quarter of a century. Think about it. Almost a third of your life is gone. Man, getting old is depressing. But do you know what’s more depressing? Adrian Peterson’s left knee. Hahahaha. Sorry Joo, I had to go there. Looks like karma came back to bite Viking fans in the ass after they spent last week celebrating the Packer loss. It brings me great joy to announce that the Packers are now better than the Vikings at every position. It brings me even more joy to announce that Wisconsin is better than Gary Anderson’s Loserville at every sport that people actually care about. Packers over Vikings, Badgers over Gophers in football and basketball, Brewers over Twins, and Bucks over Timberwolves. That’s a clean sweep. And honestly, nobody cares about hockey or women’s basketball. 

Team Beaupre by 22

5th place game: I Plaxidentally shot myself (8-8) vs Weekend at Bernie’s (5-11)

Good God, this is depressing. There’s a 5-11 team that’s competing for 5th place in my fantasy league. How did we let this happen? Regardless, I’m not going to write about this matchup because it makes me want to go cry in a corner. Instead, let’s talk about the most intriguing NFL game this week: Denver Broncos vs Kansas City Chiefs. One one hand, we have Denver fighting to hold off the Raiders for a playoff spot, while the Chiefs are merely playing for pride. On the other hand, Kyle Orton gets a chance to beat the man that took his starting spot in Denver: Tim “The Hammer” Tebow. By the way, I think it’s only appropriate to recognize the fact that Tebow was voted to the Pro Bowl this past week. I can’t help agree with my friend Jared, who told me “that’s retarded”. Agreed. It’s retarded that anyone would vote for Tebow to play in the Pro Bowl, knowing that he’s obviously going to be preparing for Super Bowl XLVI instead. Haha! Anyways, I fully expect The Big Tebowski to succeed where Aaron Rodgers failed and tear apart the Chiefs defense this week. Go ahead. Hate all you want. It’s going to happen.

Broncos by 14 (Weekend at Bernie’s by 3)

7th place game: Chode’s All Stars (8-8) vs Walking a Fine Line (8-7)

Son of a bitch. I don’t understand how this happens every year. I spend weeks researching for the fantasy draft. I follow ESPN religiously to decide who should start in my lineup every week. I NEVER play anyone who’s injured or on a bye week. I make smart free agent pickups. I probably spend more time on fantasy football than anyone else in this league. And yet here I sit at 8-8, playing for 7th place. I have literally nothing to show for my efforts. I hate this game. Well, at least only one of the teams that I own is cursed with the stink of losing. The other team that I own happens to be the defending champions and has a record of 14-1. That’s right. The Chode is now a proud owner of the greatest franchise in sports history, the Green Bay Packers. I have a stock certificate to prove it, and I can literally feel your jealousy bleeding through my computer screen. Anyways, after the Packers win their 14th NFL championship this season I will own exactly 14/112000 of a championship. In case you suck at math, that’s 0.000125 of one NFL title. More importantly, it’s 0.000125 championships more than any Viking has ever claimed.

Chode’s All Stars by 0.000125

Also, at the risk of jinxing my favorite team and drawing the ire of most of my readers, I’m planning to continue writing the Chode Picks throughout the Packers’ playoff run. For those of you that aren’t as cognitively gifted, that means I won’t be writing next week for the wild card round, but the Picks will return for the divisional games, the NFC Championship, and Super Bowl XLVI. Naturally, the Picks will be shorter because I’m only writing about one game, but I’ll try to make them worthwhile still. You’re welcome.

11th place game: Mondolockdown (2-13) vs rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout (7-8)

Well, this game has absolutely no significance to anyone, so I’m going to write about the NFL equivalent instead: this week’s titanic matchup between the Colts and Jaguars. Let me ask you this: As a Colts fan, would you rather have your team finish 2-14 and draft a future franchise quarterback, or finish 3-13 and draft an offensive tackle? There’s only one right answer to that question, by the way. If you’re an intelligent football fan, you probably realize that the best thing that could happen to the Colts this week is for them to lose intentionally and secure the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. So naturally, that means that if you’re a Colts fan, you should root for the Jaguars this week, right? WRONG. I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention. If you EVER find yourself rooting for your team to lose a game, you are no longer allowed to call yourself a true fan. Do you hear me, Viking fans? Rams fans? So-called Colts fans? I don’t care if you’re get to draft the greatest player in NFL history, you’ve still sold your soul as a sports fan. There’s no coming back from that point.

Rockinoutwithmybigblacklockout by 12

NBA Update! Your 2012 World Champion Miami Heat are now 3-0 after dominating victories over the Mavericks, Celtics and Bobcats. Despite David Stern’s best efforts to screw the Heat over with the toughest schedule in the league, Miami appears primed to make a run at the ’96 Bulls all-time winning percentage record (by the way, if you’re a true Wisconsin fan you should be rooting for them to break it. Do you really want Illinois to be able to claim the greatest basketball team ever? Didn’t think so). It appears that LeBron, Dwyane, Chris and company have finally realized that they’re faster and more powerful than anybody, ever. Also, Miami has finally found it’s long-term solution at point guard, Norris Cole. Norris Cole, the guy who threw down a 40 point, 20 rebound game at Cleveland State last year. Norris is an ice Cole killer. Norris Cole shaves with an axe. Norris Cole once played with Legos as a child, and the Egyptians have been grateful to him ever since. Norris Cole galvanizes the masses.

Also, Kevin Durant had a pretty sick game-winning three-pointer tonight for the Thunder. Even if you don’t like basketball, you’ve got to appreciate that kind of performance under pressure.

Rose Bowl Update! Less than three days until I board the plane for sunny Pasadena, and less than four days until the Badgers shut everybody’s mouths by beating the hell out of the Oregon Ducks. I’ve literally pissed myself in excitement three times in the past week. The official University of Wisconsin slogan for the Rose Bowl is “Quack is Whack”. I find it disappointing that the upper brass at the University decided to reject my suggestion: “Fuck the Ducks”, which I think is much more concise and effective. Oh well. Won’t keep me from being any less rude and offensive to the Ducks’ faithful once I set foot in California. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Finally, this week it was time for me to address an issue that’s been lingering over my head since early in the season. You see, a certain portion of the Chode followers have been calling to me to debate ESPN’s Skip Bayless for quite some time now. Honestly, I don’t know why, because Skip and I have absolutely nothing in common. He went to Vanderbilt, while I go to Wisconsin. He thinks Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL, while I know that Aaron Rodgers’ left testicle holds more skill than the entire Patriots’ roster. He thinks LeBron is overrated, while I think that the human brain hasn’t evolved far enough to understand how great LeBron is. Also, he’s ugly. Regardless, to appease my readers, I sent Skip the following email this week:

Dear Mr Bayless,

My name is Alex Quilling. I am the writer, editor and publisher of the Chode Picks, the Midwest’s premier source of sports analysis. My readership spans from the vast expanses of North Dakota to the dense forests of Michigan. Recently, my readers have been requesting that I engage you in a live debate about various topics in the world of sports, including but not limited to: Aaron Rodgers’ superiority to Tom Brady, the all-time greatness of the Miami Heat, the Big Ten’s dominance of the SEC, Vanderbilt’s overrated academic reputation, and of course, Tim Tebow’s awesomeness. If you would be so kind as to pay my travel expenses to Bristol, Connecticut, I would gladly debate you on your own show, First Take (I’m sure I’ll make a better co-host than that jackass Stephen A. Smith). Otherwise, I would be glad to host you for a debate in Madison, Wisconsin, provided that you bring a camera crew to capture our epic debate. I sincerely hope that you will not rob from both of our fans this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You may contact me at aquilling@wisc.edu, or follow me on Twitter at @chodepicks.

Best Regards,

Alex Quilling

I really hope he has the balls and sense of humor to respond. Otherwise I’ll have to go after Bill Simmons.

A few more thoughts before we wrap it up this week:

Does anyone else think it’s odd that Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady and Andrew Luck all wear #12?

The best strategy for the Packers to beat the Lions this week? Put lipstick on Matthew Stafford and watch Erik Walden beat the living hell out of him.

It took Jay Cutler five seasons to develop a nagging injury that will make him ineffective for the rest of his career. Christian Ponder got it done in less than one season.

Jimmer Fredette is the Tebow of the NBA.

Vodka + Tequila = Vodquila. It tastes exactly how it sounds.

You know how time seems to pass more slowly when you’re on shrooms? No? Okay, well I think the opposite occurs when you’re hammered. It took me four whole hours to write the Chode Picks this week. That’s a personal record.

Lastly, I leave you with… skydiving midgets!!

-Chode Out.